My new girlfriend is Christian and I am not? [updated]

[Tribble]

Thank you very much, and yes I am very young we both are. However, I don't know if I'm ready to be lonely again if I end up leaving her. Which is why I told her to leave me instead me ending it right then and there.

 

I know it's hard but don't stay with her just because you don't want to be lonely. That's not fair to either of you. I know it's easier said than done and I'm the worst for it! But staying in a relationship where it isn't going to work out (if that is indeed the case) will end up doing more damage than good. You're very young at 19 and past relationships can leave their mark emotionally. Only take the risk if there is a chance it is worth it.

[Quokka]

As long as you hang on to what is a temporary, dead end relationship, you won't be open to finding someone else who is a better fit for you.

Fair enough

 

You can be with someone and still be very much alone.

Very true

I know it's hard but don't stay with her just because you don't want to be lonely. That's not fair to either of you. I know it's easier said than done and I'm the worst for it! But staying in a relationship where it isn't going to work out (if that is indeed the case) will end up doing more damage than good. You're very young at 19 and past relationships can leave their mark emotionally. Only take the risk if there is a chance it is worth it.

So most everyone is saying I should end it. Is that honestly what I should do? Should we talk about it first? How do I go about this? I will end it if I have to. I just need to know how to go about it.

[smudge21]

Talk to her first, as up until now, it seems only she's been doing the talking and you the listening. Make it clear what you want from her. You're not asking her to change her religion or drop it entirely, but just accept you the way you are, the same way you've accepted her the way she is. If she refuses to change her stance, then you have to decide whether it's worth being with someone who cares more about her beliefs than her relationship with you.

[Miss Clavel]

So I have this new girlfriend, we've been dating for about three weeks as of now. We have great chemistry, she digs me, I dig her. Things are well. When we first started talking she asked if I believed in God. So I'll explain what I told her and what exactly I believe.

 

I told her that I don't not believe in God but when I think about it rationally and logically it seems very unlikely. It's possible but likely? no.

 

Don't get me wrong, I tried it out. I was saved when I was about 14, attended church camp, my entire family is Christian. Once I started thinking for myself and went through what I would call an existential crisis I realized that God is most likely a fairy tale. Not to be offensive to anyone who believes.

 

I should also say I have no problem with people who believe in Christianity and I truly believe in loving everyone no matter what race or religion they are affiliated with.

 

However, about four nights ago, I go up to her work to see her when she got off (we always do this) she was in a bad mood due to a conflict between her and another person that happened while she was working. We got in her car to chat and she said this: "you know I can't have a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't believe in God. If you ever ask me to marry you I could not do it because you are not a Christian." I was taken back by this and quite frankly insulted. I live in the bible belt region of America so it's a pretty big deal when someone doesn't believe in God where I'm from so I know where she is coming from. But at the same time she doesn't care to listen to my point of view on the issue. She just wants to focus on me not being a Christian. Anyway, I replied with "Well maybe you should date someone else who believes because they're a way better person than me" I was hurt and frustrated at her and I just jumped out of her car and left in mine.

 

I told her I'm not going to just stick around and get closer to her when I ultimately know our relationship is going to end and I told her to just leave me. She refused and we are still together and things went back to how they used to be. We still have great sex, meaningful conversations, and she still looks at me the same way. However, she has made it clear we will end up breaking up simply because our religion doesn't match so I'm debating on breaking up with her before I end up falling for this girl because I really do like her a lot.

 

I'm at a loss as to what to do and that is why I am coming here. I would really appreciate a reply on what I could/should do. I don't want to break up with her but I also don't want to get closer. It's a really big dilemma.

 

Thanks if you read this book

-Quokka.

 

 

i'm sure i'm wicked, in fact i'm positive, but hearing about unmarried christians doing the deed, makes my day.

 

however, you are in a bad bad spot, a painful one at that.

 

and even tho you do not believe in god, you are going to have to have a little faith. sorry.

 

have faith that the right woman for you is still out there.

 

she is not the one, it will only get worse, as in, rip off the bandaid, stay out of her bed.

 

if she keeps on trying to ignore all that was said in the car that day, just tell her that it's god's will that you two split up, and further, you heard it directly from him.

 

 

 

 

 

good luck

[Phoenician]

It is your personnel decision not to believe in God ;

 

She loves you may be , but in the future she will choose some believer to marry .

 

You are not compatible ; and in the future you will find many issues in accepting what you believe / not believe in .

[LookAtThisPOst]

I told her to just leave me. She refused and we are still together

 

This doesn't surprise me, even with the devout Christian ladies. I recall going to a singles ministry some time back, and there were a ton of guys that would get irritated at the fact that these "Christian" women would bring their new, non-believing boyfriend with them to church on occasion.

 

The fact that they saw this would eat them up.

 

It is surprising that since you live in the Bible belt that she didn't decide to end things with you. Chances are she's just settling or just desperate.

 

Personally, I'm surprised atheists would even live in the Bible belt region. I had come across a couple of women's online dating profiles in my rural area who were atheists...and I thought, "Man, I bet it's a pain for them in this neck of the woods to find other single atheists."

 

I bet they are likely reclusive and don't get out much even socially or just leave town to attend outside events. Usually their profiles are quite abrasive in nature.

[LookAtThisPOst]

 

 

No, the problem is not religion, the problem is she doesn't see a future. A couple of those friends are either married or in LTR with non-Christians. Without sex. They work through their differences together because they love each other and want to stay together. For whatever reason (religion or something she isn't telling you), she doesn't want a future with you. All that remains is for you to decide your boundaries. If you're up for some short term relationship that you enjoy, enjoy it. Not every relationship has to be forever. But if you are looking for long term, this is not the girl for you. Walk away now before you're in too deep.

 

 

I know a female friend, single mother in her mid-40s, that's "seeing" a guy that isn't Christian...well, he's not an atheist, but just doesn't care for church.

 

She's a devout, but yet non-Bible beater...she's the church instrumentalist and partakes in some of her kids church weekend activities and trips. So she's very involved in church activities.

 

Real nice woman.

 

They've been "seeing" each other for a while, but she hasn't referred to him as a "boyfriend"...no labels. He is talking marriage, with her...and she doesn't love him...so won't marry him, but...she keeps seeing him regardless because they consider each other each others' "support system."

 

Friends with benefits obviously. She told me he's gone OUT with other women, but kept wanting to get with her in the end as she puts it "Because I'm more fun!"

 

So as a non-believer, but he's getting his physical needs likely met. Since she sees no marital future with him, it appears to be that way and she's okay with that, regardless of what God thinks of her actions.

Edited April 11, 2016 by LookAtThisPOst

[bu2002]

You need to end the relationship. The explanation is a difference in values/ideologies that will be too much to overcome long term. I think we saw an illustration of that after her tough day at work. A person with a similar religious idelogy as her may have been better able to emotionally support her in that moment. You're not wrong. She's not wrong. Both of you are just not compatible at this time.

 

Now, if both of you still want to have sex with each other, then feel free to continue with a FWB arrangement. But a deep long term emotionally intimate relationship shouldn't be in the cards.

[katiegrl]

Just saw this. So manipulative. Trying to make you feel guilty! She basically said she doesn't see a future if you aren't Christian. You aren't Christian and you can't change that. What else is there for you to do? Try and convince her to stay with you regardless of religion? Why bother? She drew her line in the sand and you're on opposite sides with no chance of crossing. And she's mad at you because you respect her viewpoint?

 

Actually he *can* change that, he could choose to become Christian again, not that he should.

 

Which was her whole point for saying it!

 

An attempt to manipulate OP into becoming a Christian.

 

People do that all the time, my cousin converted to Judism when she met her future husband!

 

My boss (an attorney) became a Christian when he met his now wife.

 

With this chick it was a covert ultimatum. I will not have a LTR with you unless you are Christian.

 

Hopng OP would consider becoming Christian again.

 

OP, you didn't fall for it, good for you!

 

Now she is backtracking (still wants to be with you) because she never meant it in the first place.

 

She was just trying to manipulate you.

 

That's my take anyway.

Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[LookAtThisPOst]

There's also this woman that moved to my area on OK Cupid, said she's Christian and "serious about it" and is looking for the same in a match.

 

She said she's been separated for 2 1/2 years and I had advised here, from one Christian to another, that should she not at least wait until the divorce is final before you start dating?

 

As it completely contradicts the very idea of Christian dating.

 

She said she is aware of it. *shrug* Guess she's not letting that stop her.

[jasmineb]

Yeah I don't understand that either. I told her to leave me and she said no we're not breaking up. Anybody got ideas as to why she doesn't want to leave me yet?

 

Perhaps I am being obtuse, but why is it that you cannot just leave HER? Why does SHE have to break up? To be frank, this seems a little wimpy and passive to me. If you know there is no future, then just cut the cord.

[katiegrl]

Perhaps I am being obtuse, but why is it that you cannot just leave HER? Why does SHE have to break up? To be frank, this seems a little wimpy and passive to me. If you know there is no future, then just cut the cord.

 

I agree with this (OP being passive) which she may sense too, which may be why she thought she could manipulate him (as stated in my previous post).

[Tribble]

Actually he *can* change that, he could choose to become Christian again, not that he should.

 

Which was her whole point for saying it!

 

An attempt to manipulate OP into becoming a Christian.

 

People do that all the time, my cousin converted to Judism when she met her future husband!

 

My boss (an attorney) became a Christian when he met his now wife.

 

With this chick it was a covert ultimatum. I will not have a LTR with you unless you are Christian.

 

Hopng OP would consider becoming Christian again.

 

OP, you didn't fall for it, good for you!

 

Now she is backtracking (still wants to be with you) because she never meant it in the first place.

 

She was just trying to manipulate you.

 

That's my take anyway.

 

Fair enough point. What I meant was, he can't suddenly decide to believe in God. He can say he's a Christian sure, but really, it's just a lie. It's not a new religion to him. He's been there and done that. It's not about exploring some new ideas and thinking 'hey, I think that's a really cool thing, lets explore that'. I know people switch, convert, become whatever when they meet people where it is a deal breaker but I'd like to think these people are agnostic or at least believe in some kind of God first. OP stated Christianity is not for him to his gf already. What does she expect, to threaten him into changing his mind? Not very Christian...

[katiegrl]

Fair enough point. What I meant was, he can't suddenly decide to believe in God. He can say he's a Christian sure, but really, it's just a lie. It's not a new religion to him. He's been there and done that. It's not about exploring some new ideas and thinking 'hey, I think that's a really cool thing, lets explore that'. I know people switch, convert, become whatever when they meet people where it is a deal breaker but I'd like to think these people are agnostic or at least believe in some kind of God first. OP stated Christianity is not for him to his gf already.

 

 

---

 

What does she expect, to threaten him into changing his mind?

 

Not very Christian...

 

Threaten, manipulate, whatever you wish to call it, yes I think that is precisely what she was attempting to do!

 

Why else has she backtracked and acting like that convo never even happened?

 

Because she never meant it in the first place.

 

And no it is not very Christian at all!

 

THAT we agree on.

 

JMO.

Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[losangelena]

She seems fishy to me. A woman who's so hung up on marrying another Christian, but will go ahead and regularly have sex with you. Seems to be talking out of both sides of her mouth.

 

Dump her, OP. You can do better.

[katiegrl]

Threaten, manipulate, whatever you wish to call it, yes I think that is precisely what she was attempting to do!

 

Why else has she backtracked and acting like that convo never even happened?

 

Because she never meant it in the first place.

 

And no it is not very Christian at all!

 

THAT we agree on.

 

JMO.

 

^^ETA -- If she were serious about what she said, she would have ended it right then and there, and focused her energy on finding a Christian guy.

 

Not kept OP as FWB, while she searched for a Christian guy. Like losangelina just said.

 

Which isn't very Christian-like either.

 

Fishy is right!

Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

She's just trying to convert him, and because she's very young, she's doing it in her puppy way.

 

My BF is exactly the same. I'm starting to think most of our problems are actually coming from this... He's constantly swinging between being ok with non-Christian stuff like living together, and being ashamed etc.

 

I think if OP wants to stay with this woman he should be aware she'll ask him to become a Christian. Which is not necessarily bad - if he wants it too, but it should be at his own will.

 

She seems fishy to me. A woman who's so hung up on marrying another Christian, but will go ahead and regularly have sex with you. Seems to be talking out of both sides of her mouth.

 

Dump her, OP. You can do better.

[Jersey born raised]

I recall in past presidential elections the issue of wether or not a person could vote for a Mormon or a muslin discussed. My response was I don't care so much about the why in this case but rather the end result. Some extreme examples: I don't care about how a person comes to believe murder orb adultery is wrong, only that they believe it.

 

I would urge you if a person's faith informs them in matters that you agree with, you need to support and protect their faith. If that means going to church every Sunday do so. Not because you believe in a God, but because you support the principles her faith upholds and to show her your respect for her.

 

Most people are well aware of the differences between the different Christian faiths. The truth is most faiths are as equally divided. A friend and I had a long conversation about why someone vote for an individual who engages in adultery. Bottom line most "progressives" and "conservatives" react the same on a personal level. It is the disagreement that how a politician adultery effects their choices on public policy and if they will do to the public what they did to their spouse the argument becomes heated.

 

You both need to consider if her faith will enable her to fight to improve the relationship or encourage her to move on. If it will encourage her to move on, end this relationship and move on. I do have some advise on how to determine this but it is lengthy and so I will hold back from now.

[Sunlight72]

she said this: "you know I can't have a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't believe in God. If you ever ask me to marry you I could not do it because you are not a Christian." ... I replied with "Well maybe you should date someone else who believes because they're a way better person than me" I was hurt and frustrated at her and I just jumped out of her car and left in mine.

I certainly understand you felt judged, but now that you're in a calmer place, please realize that she didn't say (in what you quote) that you're not good enough.

 

She said she won't marry a non-Christian.

 

I dated a Christian woman for almost 4 years, and even though we had the best relationship of either of our lives, I would Strongly urge you to break it off with this woman. It really is a sad feeling (for me) to feel like I'm pulling a loving, generous person away from their beliefs just by not participating, which is the way it ended up feeling in my relationship.

 

You sound like a positive-minded and positive-hearted person, so I think you can understand that I don't believe you would pull her away from her faith purposefully. It just feels sad to not share this if you get serious with someone whose life is truly built on their religious faith.

 

Best Wishes,

Sunlight

[GorillaTheater]

She seems fishy to me. A woman who's so hung up on marrying another Christian, but will go ahead and regularly have sex with you. Seems to be talking out of both sides of her mouth.

 

 

I don't think it's that unusual in these situations; I went through it with the girl/woman who became my wife. She knew what she "should" do, according to all of the precepts she was raised with and yes, pretty much embraced. But then there were those pesky hormones that no amount of religious training could do much with.

 

 

Not specific to this case, but very generally speaking, such relationships can work. My wife and I have been married a very long time. It probably depends on how dogmatic the two people in the relationship want to be and how much they're willing to compromise.

[Gaeta]

It's not about religion or being Christian or not.

 

The problem is both of you have no respect for each other. You look down on her for being a religious southern girl and she looks down on you for being marginal and not believing in god.

 

I know plenty of couples that are from different religion or couples where one of them isn't religious and they make it just fine by being respectful of each other's choice.

 

My boyfriend is highly religious and I am not at all. I respect his belief and would never in a million years make him feel he's an idiot for believing in god and I never would challenge his spirituality. I even attend church with him because I know it's important to HIM. So until your girlfriend and you reach this level of respect for each other don't even think of long term.

[jasmineb]

Honestly, this problem is more on her than on you in my opinion. She wants to follow what the Bible says about who she should marry (another Christian) but not what the Bible says about sex (reserved for marriage)? She knows she cannot marry you and be in line with her faith, but she will not break up with you?

 

This girl is like many other Christians these days. She wears the label and goes to church and wants the happy Christian family someday, but she cherry-picks which parts of her faith she wants to follow, and she is a hypocrite. If she was REALLY serious about following God's guidelines in the Bible about relationships, sex, and marriage, she wouldn't be sleeping with you.

 

She's practicing what we used to call "missionary dating." In other words, she wants a convert. I would walk away if I were you.

[Quokka]

Honestly, this problem is more on her than on you in my opinion. She wants to follow what the Bible says about who she should marry (another Christian) but not what the Bible says about sex (reserved for marriage)? She knows she cannot marry you and be in line with her faith, but she will not break up with you?

 

This girl is like many other Christians these days. She wears the label and goes to church and wants the happy Christian family someday, but she cherry-picks which parts of her faith she wants to follow, and she is a hypocrite. If she was REALLY serious about following God's guidelines in the Bible about relationships, sex, and marriage, she wouldn't be sleeping with you.

 

She's practicing what we used to call "missionary dating." In other words, she wants a convert. I would walk away if I were you.

 

So I have news on this issue, I sat her down and talked to her and she said we are not breaking up over this and she wises I would believe but that she respects that I'm open minded about it and wants us to work it out.what do you guys think on her reply?

[katiegrl]

So I have news on this issue, I sat her down and talked to her and she said we are not breaking up over this and she wises I would believe but that she respects that I'm open minded about it and wants us to work it out.what do you guys think on her reply?

 

I'm not surprised since I never believed she meant what she originally said in the first place (see my previous posts).

 

She only said it as a way to get you to convert.

 

Now that she knows you won't (at least right now), she wants to forget the whole conversation.... or take it back.... and continue on just like before.

 

Having sex, a RL, etc.

 

She may bring it up later though, if or should you guys get more serious.

 

I don't think she's done trying to get you convert though.

Edited April 12, 2016 by katiegrl

[Larryville]

I know some will grind their teeth at what I am going to say, and I am late to this thread, but when it comes to religion and when you enter into a relationship if you truly care about the other person and their is long term potential LIE, LIE you ass off!

 

I don't believe in god or any "higher being" but when it comes to a significant other (using two ex wives as an example and my kids) I supported their commitment and passion and faith because I cared about them and I wanted to support them. Even my kids to this day or grandkids know that I don't believe in god because I did not want to influence.

 

First wife was Mennonite, he mother was a minister, awesome lady. Second wife was Catholic, I attended the classes, had first marriage annulled (with first wife's blessing) was about support my partner, who I loved.

 

People get caught up in bull**** because of pride and ego. It is freaking hard to find someone worth a damn these days don't let human frailties screw up a relationship.

 

What G said earlier about RESPECT is important. So many of the issues here boil down to basic respect, people need to do some examining as to what that means. Too many humans piss away the good in life because so many lack the ability to respect one another, or their fellow man in general.