Jump to content

My new girlfriend is Christian and I am not? [updated]

Quokka

By Quokka
in Dating

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
Posted

So I have this new girlfriend, we've been dating for about three weeks as of now. We have great chemistry, she digs me, I dig her. Things are well. When we first started talking she asked if I believed in God. So I'll explain what I told her and what exactly I believe.

 

I told her that I don't not believe in God but when I think about it rationally and logically it seems very unlikely. It's possible but likely? no.

 

Don't get me wrong, I tried it out. I was saved when I was about 14, attended church camp, my entire family is Christian. Once I started thinking for myself and went through what I would call an existential crisis I realized that God is most likely a fairy tale. Not to be offensive to anyone who believes.

 

I should also say I have no problem with people who believe in Christianity and I truly believe in loving everyone no matter what race or religion they are affiliated with.

 

However, about four nights ago, I go up to her work to see her when she got off (we always do this) she was in a bad mood due to a conflict between her and another person that happened while she was working. We got in her car to chat and she said this: "you know I can't have a long-term relationship with someone who doesn't believe in God. If you ever ask me to marry you I could not do it because you are not a Christian." I was taken back by this and quite frankly insulted. I live in the bible belt region of America so it's a pretty big deal when someone doesn't believe in God where I'm from so I know where she is coming from. But at the same time she doesn't care to listen to my point of view on the issue. She just wants to focus on me not being a Christian. Anyway, I replied with "Well maybe you should date someone else who believes because they're a way better person than me" I was hurt and frustrated at her and I just jumped out of her car and left in mine.

 

I told her I'm not going to just stick around and get closer to her when I ultimately know our relationship is going to end and I told her to just leave me. She refused and we are still together and things went back to how they used to be. We still have great sex, meaningful conversations, and she still looks at me the same way. However, she has made it clear we will end up breaking up simply because our religion doesn't match so I'm debating on breaking up with her before I end up falling for this girl because I really do like her a lot.

 

I'm at a loss as to what to do and that is why I am coming here. I would really appreciate a reply on what I could/should do. I don't want to break up with her but I also don't want to get closer. It's a really big dilemma.

 

Thanks if you read this book

-Quokka.

  • Like 1
PegNosePete Established Member

PegNosePete

Posted
Posted
I told her to just leave me. She refused and we are still together

This doesn't really make much sense to me.

 

She has made it clear the relationship is not going to be a long-term one, but is happy to maintain the status quo for now.

 

So you have a choice, you can either carry on with the status quo but be prepared to be dumped when a nice Christian guy comes along, or you can end it now and find someone more compatible.

  • Like 3
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted

Sounds like she's pretty much made her choice and you have to either accept it or move on. It seems a bit off that she would continue the relationship after telling you that eventually it will end. To me that says "I'm not too bothered about you, but if you want to hang out then that's fine". Sounds more like a FWB deal, although not really that friendly. If you have feelings for her now, then maybe you should get out whilst you can. Further down the line, it may be harder to cut those emotional bonds.

 

 

I'm not religious either - was brought up to be, but I guess I just moved away from it (there's plenty more I could say here, but I'll bite my tongue out of respect to others). However I do not get why people would make choices that affect their lives based on their beliefs. If she's happy with you, wants you, then surely that matters more than religion. Clearly that's not the case, but for me personally I just don't get it. However, that's the choice she's made and you need to now make your own choice. Can you treat her as just a FWB? Can you walk away? Can you really stay knowing that she could end it at any time? Tough call.

Emilia Established Member

Emilia

Posted
Posted

Difference in values. For me it's the other way round, I'd struggle to take someone seriously who believed in father christmas.

  • Like 2
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted
I'd struggle to take someone seriously who believed in father christmas.

 

What are you saying?... :(

  • Like 1
  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sounds like she's pretty much made her choice and you have to either accept it or move on. It seems a bit off that she would continue the relationship after telling you that eventually it will end. To me that says "I'm not too bothered about you, but if you want to hang out then that's fine". Sounds more like a FWB deal, although not really that friendly. If you have feelings for her now, then maybe you should get out whilst you can. Further down the line, it may be harder to cut those emotional bonds.

 

 

I'm not religious either - was brought up to be, but I guess I just moved away from it (there's plenty more I could say here, but I'll bite my tongue out of respect to others). However I do not get why people would make choices that affect their lives based on their beliefs. If she's happy with you, wants you, then surely that matters more than religion. Clearly that's not the case, but for me personally I just don't get it. However, that's the choice she's made and you need to now make your own choice. Can you treat her as just a FWB? Can you walk away? Can you really stay knowing that she could end it at any time? Tough call.

 

I honestly feel like she is getting more and more attached to me and she wanted to bring up that fact. After the argument she texted me "You're really good at running away when things get tough, thanks for ruining my night" I mean I know she likes me. She has taken me to meet her family. I just don't know how to handle it. I guess I'm just gonna sit her down and discuss it with her and if we're still together by the end of the discussion it worked out, if not then **** it, move on. What do you think?

Tribble Established Member

Tribble

Posted
Posted

The problem isn't that she's a Christian I don't think. Every person is an individual and interpret their beliefs to live their lives to a certain code. I also was brought up Christian, went to camp blah, blah, blah, but now I'm not. I have many friends who are Christian so I think I know what I'm talking about. Most of my very (for want of a better word) Christian friends will not have sex without marriage. Clearly your girl will.

 

 

No, the problem is not religion, the problem is she doesn't see a future. A couple of those friends are either married or in LTR with non-Christians. Without sex. They work through their differences together because they love each other and want to stay together. For whatever reason (religion or something she isn't telling you), she doesn't want a future with you. All that remains is for you to decide your boundaries. If you're up for some short term relationship that you enjoy, enjoy it. Not every relationship has to be forever. But if you are looking for long term, this is not the girl for you. Walk away now before you're in too deep.

  • Like 1
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted

Bottom line: you don't have compatible values. The relationship will fall apart. You may as well bite the bullet and end things before you get in any deeper.

 

I'm a little floored that she's opting to drag out the inevitable after pointing out the basic issue.

  • Like 3
  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
The problem isn't that she's a Christian I don't think. Every person is an individual and interpret their beliefs to live their lives to a certain code. I also was brought up Christian, went to camp blah, blah, blah, but now I'm not. I have many friends who are Christian so I think I know what I'm talking about. Most of my very (for want of a better word) Christian friends will not have sex without marriage. Clearly your girl will.

 

 

No, the problem is not religion, the problem is she doesn't see a future. A couple of those friends are either married or in LTR with non-Christians. Without sex. They work through their differences together because they love each other and want to stay together. For whatever reason (religion or something she isn't telling you), she doesn't want a future with you. All that remains is for you to decide your boundaries. If you're up for some short term relationship that you enjoy, enjoy it. Not every relationship has to be forever. But if you are looking for long term, this is not the girl for you. Walk away now before you're in too deep.

 

Well that's a very harsh response but also a logical one. I never thought of it from that angle but that is also a possibility. Just didn't expect to hear it like that.

Tribble Established Member

Tribble

Posted
Posted
After the argument she texted me "You're really good at running away when things get tough, thanks for ruining my night"

 

Just saw this. So manipulative. Trying to make you feel guilty! She basically said she doesn't see a future if you aren't Christian. You aren't Christian and you can't change that. What else is there for you to do? Try and convince her to stay with you regardless of religion? Why bother? She drew her line in the sand and you're on opposite sides with no chance of crossing. And she's mad at you because you respect her viewpoint?

  • Like 2
Tribble Established Member

Tribble

Posted
Posted
Well that's a very harsh response but also a logical one. I never thought of it from that angle but that is also a possibility. Just didn't expect to hear it like that.

 

Sorry if it's too harsh - didn't mean it to be. But sometimes it just needs bluntly pointing out. Often in these cases, your too close and some tough love is needed. Honestly didn't mean it to be horrid and please don't take it personally!

  • Like 1
  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Bottom line: you don't have compatible values. The relationship will fall apart. You may as well bite the bullet and end things before you get in any deeper.

 

I'm a little floored that she's opting to drag out the inevitable after pointing out the basic issue.

 

Yeah I don't understand that either. I told her to leave me and she said no we're not breaking up. Anybody got ideas as to why she doesn't want to leave me yet?

smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted
I honestly feel like she is getting more and more attached to me and she wanted to bring up that fact. After the argument she texted me "You're really good at running away when things get tough, thanks for ruining my night" I mean I know she likes me. She has taken me to meet her family. I just don't know how to handle it. I guess I'm just gonna sit her down and discuss it with her and if we're still together by the end of the discussion it worked out, if not then **** it, move on. What do you think?

 

 

Sorry but if a girl who I'd been dating suddenly told me that our relationship wasn't going to last (no matter what the reason) then I'd have been pi**ed off too. Okay you walked off, but we all react in different ways. That was your way. If she can't see that your actions were a direct result of her words due to the emotional connection you have, then clearly she's not considering your feelings very much. Plus that text about ruining HER night... surely it was a night for BOTH of you, and she ruined it by telling you this wouldn't go anywhere. People have to learn that if they're going to throw stones, something's going to get broken. Sit her down if you must, but make it clear that this isn't just about her and her feelings, it's about you too. She can't play on/off with you like this. You really need to consider if it's worth chasing someone who has told you they don't want to be caught.

  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Just saw this. So manipulative. Trying to make you feel guilty! She basically said she doesn't see a future if you aren't Christian. You aren't Christian and you can't change that. What else is there for you to do? Try and convince her to stay with you regardless of religion? Why bother? She drew her line in the sand and you're on opposite sides with no chance of crossing. And she's mad at you because you respect her viewpoint?

 

Sorry if it's too harsh - didn't mean it to be. But sometimes it just needs bluntly pointing out. Often in these cases, your too close and some tough love is needed. Honestly didn't mean it to be horrid and please don't take it personally!

 

It's not too harsh and I don't take it personally. I just haven't been in a relationship for such a long while. I had a lot of one night stands and was feeling very lonely up until I met her so I was really hoping this would work out.

 

I don't really understand what she plans on doing about this tbh. But she doesn't want me to leave. and she gets jealous over any girl that looks my way.

  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Sorry but if a girl who I'd been dating suddenly told me that our relationship wasn't going to last (no matter what the reason) then I'd have been pi**ed off too. Okay you walked off, but we all react in different ways. That was your way. If she can't see that your actions were a direct result of her words due to the emotional connection you have, then clearly she's not considering your feelings very much. Plus that text about ruining HER night... surely it was a night for BOTH of you, and she ruined it by telling you this wouldn't go anywhere. People have to learn that if they're going to throw stones, something's going to get broken. Sit her down if you must, but make it clear that this isn't just about her and her feelings, it's about you too. She can't play on/off with you like this. You really need to consider if it's worth chasing someone who has told you they don't want to be caught.

 

Completely agree with this. Very nice advice. I am glad I am not in the wrong here. She made me feel as if it was my fault. But deep down I knew it was not like that.

  • Like 1
angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted
Yeah I don't understand that either. I told her to leave me and she said no we're not breaking up. Anybody got ideas as to why she doesn't want to leave me yet?

 

It only takes one to break up! Why do you think you need her permission?:confused:

  • Like 2
  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
It only takes one to break up! Why do you think you need her permission?:confused:

 

It's not that I need her permission, I really just don't want to because I like her:(

Tribble Established Member

Tribble

Posted
Posted
Yeah I don't understand that either. I told her to leave me and she said no we're not breaking up. Anybody got ideas as to why she doesn't want to leave me yet?

 

Any number of reasons. She doesn't like to be alone. She likes having you around and doesn't want to lose you, despite there being no future for you guys. She's confused and doesn't know what she wants. To be fair, probably the latter. I have great respect for religion and religious people. But often, it can instil great guilt on someone who follows it. She may be trying to reconcile what she was brought up with (be a Christian, marry a Christian etc.) and what is happening (liking someone who isn't Christian). But at the end of the day, she isn't handling it right. These are issues that affect you as a couple, not just her. She can't push you away and expect you to just take it. If this is going to go anywhere, she needs to handle it more maturely and communicate. How old are you two by the way?

  • Like 1
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted (edited)
Completely agree with this. Very nice advice. I am glad I am not in the wrong here. She made me feel as if it was my fault. But deep down I knew it was not like that.

 

 

She sounds very manipulative and clearly wants her cake, and you to feed it to her too. Look at the facts, she's clearly told you that she can't be with you, but then gets annoyed when you walk away, gets annoyed when you look at others and still sleeps with you. Yeah, if ever there was a reason to talk and work this out, it's now. Don't play the victim her (and let her make you one). She made the call, she decided to push you away, she kept on sleeping with you. You've pretty much just agreed to whatever she decided to do. How about you do what you want to do, not what you feel you should do to keep her happy. Isn't your happiness worthy too?

 

 

I once had a girl tell me when we were out that she'd met up with her ex and they'd got intimate, not sex but close. I just got up and left her. Then later I get all the abuse from her and her friends/family that I'm the bad guy for leaving her alone. Seriously? People are screwed up some times - they get so used to being the victim that they fail to see when they're the ones causing the problems.

Edited by smudge21
more
  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Any number of reasons. She doesn't like to be alone. She likes having you around and doesn't want to lose you, despite there being no future for you guys. She's confused and doesn't know what she wants. To be fair, probably the latter. I have great respect for religion and religious people. But often, it can instil great guilt on someone who follows it. She may be trying to reconcile what she was brought up with (be a Christian, marry a Christian etc.) and what is happening (liking someone who isn't Christian). But at the end of the day, she isn't handling it right. These are issues that affect you as a couple, not just her. She can't push you away and expect you to just take it. If this is going to go anywhere, she needs to handle it more maturely and communicate. How old are you two by the way?

Very good reasoning behind it thank you for being so attentive to my replies by the way both you and smudge:)

 

I am 19 and she is 21.

 

She sounds very manipulative and clearly wants her cake, and you to feed it to her too. Look at the facts, she's clearly told you that she can't be with you, but then gets annoyed when you walk away, gets annoyed when you look at others and still sleeps with you. Yeah, if ever there was a reason to talk and work this out, it's now. Don't play the victim her (and let her make you one). She made the call, she decided to push you away, she kept on sleeping with you. You've pretty much just agreed to whatever she decided to do. How about you do what you want to do, not what you feel you should do to keep her happy. Isn't your happiness worthy too?

 

My happiness is worth it but I am the type of person to avoid conflict and just go with the flow. I hate conflict which is why I got out of her car and just walked away because I knew it would just get messier if I stuck around. When I am offended or insulted I tend to just walk off to blow off steam (usually smoke a cigarette) and I take time to grasp the situation and look at it from all angles which is why I wrote this so I could bring in other opinions. So with all that said, I just go with the flow and I am very indecisive.

smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted

I actually like that you walk away and give yourself time to think about things - many people just steam in and then regret things they said later. What you did wasn't wrong, you only reacted in an emotional way to her harsh words and choices. This wouldn't be easy for anyone, but at 19 you're still so young. You really need to decide if she's worth this level of hassle and upset.

Tomwill New Member

Tomwill

Posted
Posted

Hi ,

If you feel she really loves you and if you feel you truly love her , and if both of you can't live without each other ; no need here any of you play clever .

Put all black on white and both of you try to compensate .

If your family is Christian and you were born and baptized as Christian ; no harm dear to make your wedding at church as she dreams.

Within yourself , your heart , believe what you want . Nobody will be pushing you to go church or to pray , and as well don't try to convince her with your concept .

That way both of you will be together , each believing or not believing ; this is your choice both of you

  • Author
Quokka Established Member

Quokka

Posted
  • Author
Posted
I actually like that you walk away and give yourself time to think about things - many people just steam in and then regret things they said later. What you did wasn't wrong, you only reacted in an emotional way to her harsh words and choices. This wouldn't be easy for anyone, but at 19 you're still so young. You really need to decide if she's worth this level of hassle and upset.

Thank you very much, and yes I am very young we both are. However, I don't know if I'm ready to be lonely again if I end up leaving her. Which is why I told her to leave me instead me ending it right then and there.

angel.eyes Established Member

angel.eyes

Posted
Posted

As long as you hang on to what is a temporary, dead end relationship, you won't be open to finding someone else who is a better fit for you.

  • Like 1
smudge21 Established Member

smudge21

Posted
Posted
Thank you very much, and yes I am very young we both are. However, I don't know if I'm ready to be lonely again if I end up leaving her. Which is why I told her to leave me instead me ending it right then and there.

 

You can be with someone and still be very much alone.

  • Like 2
 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...