tilton Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 So I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching over the last couple of weeks and I've had a bit of a eureka moment - just not sure where it leaves me. Bit of background. I had my first love when I was 17, spent most of my 20's sleeping around and avoiding relationships. Got married at thirty and had three relationships since the divorce. Currently really struggling with the break-up of my last relationship. I can see now that in all these relationships, I've gone out of my way to make them happy and putting them first. However, not long after I start getting the feeling that they have feelings for me etc... I seem to push them away. Sometimes I'm even aware of it and can't work out why and it's not even like I want to push them away. When I say push away it usually entails me not showing them the attention I did at the start of the relationship etc... Then, to top it all off, when they eventually have enough and leave me I'm left heartbroken, devastated etc.... Anyone else have this issue? Is this normal?
Marco Valerio Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 It seems to me there's some contradiction (behaviour) in your post, it's hard for me to say I have loved with all my heart, but I have never pushed away any SO when I get their love in return.
SammySammy Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Sabotaging relationships? I can't say it's normal, but it is common. Sometimes it takes a while for us to realize the truth about ourselves. To understand the direction we need to take in future. Whether that is acquiring better relationship building skills and habits. Or acknowledging that some of us just need to be alone.
keiji Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 So I've been doing a lot of thinking and soul searching over the last couple of weeks and I've had a bit of a eureka moment - just not sure where it leaves me. Bit of background. I had my first love when I was 17, spent most of my 20's sleeping around and avoiding relationships. Got married at thirty and had three relationships since the divorce. Currently really struggling with the break-up of my last relationship. I can see now that in all these relationships, I've gone out of my way to make them happy and putting them first. However, not long after I start getting the feeling that they have feelings for me etc... I seem to push them away. Sometimes I'm even aware of it and can't work out why and it's not even like I want to push them away. When I say push away it usually entails me not showing them the attention I did at the start of the relationship etc... Then, to top it all off, when they eventually have enough and leave me I'm left heartbroken, devastated etc.... Anyone else have this issue? Is this normal? You basically retold my life here, including the relationships post-divorce and the sleeping around part. In my case, it's fear of abandonment, according to my therapist (the third one to say so). When I was 1-year old, my parents had to send me away with my uncles for six months due to health problems (both were seriously ill). That was obviously a very traumatic experience. I've found myself subconsciously staying in relationships I didn't care so much about while shooing away girls I was really in love with so I didn't have to worry about a possible breakup. Problem is, when those I don't care so much about get fed up because I basically ignore them or don't give them enough, I feel equally heartbroken, as is the case now.
Author tilton Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 You basically retold my life here, including the relationships post-divorce and the sleeping around part. In my case, it's fear of abandonment, according to my therapist (the third one to say so). When I was 1-year old, my parents had to send me away with my uncles for six months due to health problems (both were seriously ill). That was obviously a very traumatic experience. I've found myself subconsciously staying in relationships I didn't care so much about while shooing away girls I was really in love with so I didn't have to worry about a possible breakup. Problem is, when those I don't care so much about get fed up because I basically ignore them or don't give them enough, I feel equally heartbroken, as is the case now. Hey thanks for this, it's at least some comfort to know that other people do the same thing. I've got another session with my counsellor this Thursday so will see what they say. I know my mom was diagnosed with MS at the same time as I split with my first love which was the reason why I avoided relationships for a long time. Will need to do some thinking.
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