Resignation to endings

April 11, 2016

"... You can get addicted to a certain kind of sadness,

Like resignation to the end, always the end ..." - Gotye

I've become aware of something lately when dating.

I've developed an almost nihilist outlook that goes something like this;

"No matter what I do, no matter how much I want this, I will lose this relationship just as I have every other relationship in my life. Nothing lasts and the more attached I become, the more pain and suffering I will have to endure when the end comes. People use a lot of pretty words, but in the end, their actions prove otherwise. Those that said they love you, will turn around, walk away and pretend you never existed. They will edit you out of their life, while you struggle on with the memories. You will become nothing more than a foot note to them."

Needless to say, the above thinking is really starting to become a serious issue. Has anyone encountered this kind of thinking before? How did you manage it it? Change it? I know that in the end, it can lead to self sabotaging behaviour, but in my heart.. it's all I can feel.

Every wonderful moment tinged with sadness. This sense that this will pass and some day soon, I'll be alone again.

I've lost faith in having a love that lasts for me. Of having someone in my life who'll stay, who'll have my back. I've lost faith in my ability to be the kind of man to attach and keep that kind of woman in my life.

I wish I could figure out how to get it back.

April 11, 2016

I 100% believe a thought process like this will become a self-sabtoguing pattern. I wish I had some great insight on how to fix it. My best suggestion is fix your thought patterns, core belief system, while simultaneously experimenting with new behaviors in the real world. New behaviors that test out the altered thoughts. Try to gather evidence that is DIFFERENT TO WHAT YOU CURRENTLY BELIEVE. Start small. You can even start by observing others. If you actually look around, purely on a statistical basis alone, you will see that others DO succeed in relationships. Try to study other couples, if only to tell yourself that if it was possible for them, it will be possible for you. You will see that a lot of flawed people still manage to make it into relationships. You may have much more to offer on paper, with looks, material success, in your heart but if your belief system is throwing up a roadblock, you will struggle. I think you can even find a bit of evidence HERE on this site that others do somewhat succeed in relationships. Keep in mind though that a lot (most?) of people come here when there is a problem or relationship is failing--but it still doesn't negate the fact that they got into one. I think smart and thought driven people often overthink their way out of getting started in a relationship but once they are actually decently far enough along in one, they will be fine. Maybe that scenario fits you.

I think even using this site as an example of a place to start to gather evidence that will at least bring you back to neutral, you can see from reading the threads that almost everyone has problems in their relationships--some people take on these conflicts as if something is 'wrong' with them, while others just see it as not a match for me and keep moving. On the spectrum, try to make sure that you swing the other way that when something is not working out that it just isn't meant for you rather than adopting the belief that something is wrong with you. That said, you sound (have always, I think) introspective enough that if there are valid things to work on, then by all means work on them. But yeah the fatalistic belief will win 99% of the time. Believe in yourself more. You are normal and flawed just like everyone else--and most of those people manage to find their way into a relationship, thus so can you!

April 11, 2016

One only has to look at this site to realize what the OP said is the norm. As an older person I can tell you this is how life goes. There isn't soneone out there for everyone. You aren't going to find the one. Feeling change overnight. Sometimez yours and sonetimes theres. It all becomes a waste of time. Stay alone and try to find happiness.

April 11, 2016

"No matter what I do, no matter how much I want this, I will lose this relationship just as I have every other relationship in my life. Nothing lasts and the more attached I become, the more pain and suffering I will have to endure when the end comes. People use a lot of pretty words, but in the end, their actions prove otherwise. Those that said they love you, will turn around, walk away and pretend you never existed. They will edit you out of their life, while you struggle on with the memories. You will become nothing more than a foot note to them."

Neo, I thought your issue was moreso that you walked away from relationships (by not investing), not that others did?

Anyway I've encountered that thinking in a big way - that was my BF when I first met him a few years ago, only worse. Much like I assume with you, he wasn't sappy or self-pitying about it. (I mention that only bc I think it's easy for ppl who haven't seen it to assume it's just a big "poor me" cry - it isn't.) He even tried to poo-poo it and dismiss the significance but he was genuinely hopeless, albeit generally accepting and positive. Not happy-positive, just resigned and not fighting it. He functioned ok, he just wasn't all there.

I suppose our circumstances are unusual bc I was kinda drawn to all that in him, as opposed to what I think would be the more common reaction to run the other way. But bc of that I kinda 'saved' him by grabbing him by the collar and dragging him back up. The thing is, that was a limited success bc I couldn't rebuild him, I just had to accept him for being that way. But at least he wasn't just out there in orbit somewhere. But still I addressed it by accepting he was like this half person as opposed to trying to rescue him in a way that he couldn't be rescued. So to answer your question, I managed it by not changing it. It works for both of us.

I don't know if you can find someone who'll view you similarly or accept you the way you are and it seems less likely that someone will just spontaneously come along like I did, but that would be the angle I'd play anyway. Don't try to be sth you're not if you're really incapable of it, and look for ppl to include in your life who can accept that (and hopefully thrive on it).

If you're really salvageable I don't want to discourage you from getting any help you might need but I think it can be liberating to realize you don't actually have to do anything or feel like you're coming up extra short. Stuff happens, we are who we are bc of it, and it is what it is.

April 11, 2016

Neo, I thought your issue was moreso that you walked away from relationships (by not investing), not that others did?

It's true that's been the case in the past.

Sometimes, despite my best intentions, the feelings just won't come.

Other times, I just end up in these complicated and difficult situations that make the whole relationship difficult to the point one or both of us is forced to walk away.

My current situation is a bit like that.

I met a women, the first woman in a very long time that I really felt a strong, mutual connection with. We enjoy each others company and things just kind of flow. It's amazing really.

After getting to know her better, I've learnt that she's no longer able to carry children. She's already had a child of her own. A 14 year old son (who I get along great with, so not really an issue).

So here I am at 37, asking myself.. is a great relationship with a woman I connect with.. or children of my own.

I always thought having children would be a give in for me. It's the first time I've had to be confronted with the question. If this were any other woman, I would have simply walked away from her.

But.. she really isn't.

So, once again I find myself in this place, wondering what the hell to do. Trying to decide to whether to let this person go.. despite it being well over 10 years since I met anyone remotely like her.

April 11, 2016

I 100% believe a thought process like this will become a self-sabtoguing pattern. I wish I had some great insight on how to fix it. My best suggestion is fix your thought patterns, core belief system, while simultaneously experimenting with new behaviors in the real world. New behaviors that test out the altered thoughts. Try to gather evidence that is DIFFERENT TO WHAT YOU CURRENTLY BELIEVE. Start small. You can even start by observing others. If you actually look around, purely on a statistical basis alone, you will see that others DO succeed in relationships. Try to study other couples, if only to tell yourself that if it was possible for them, it will be possible for you. You will see that a lot of flawed people still manage to make it into relationships. You may have much more to offer on paper, with looks, material success, in your heart but if your belief system is throwing up a roadblock, you will struggle. I think you can even find a bit of evidence HERE on this site that others do somewhat succeed in relationships. Keep in mind though that a lot (most?) of people come here when there is a problem or relationship is failing--but it still doesn't negate the fact that they got into one. I think smart and thought driven people often overthink their way out of getting started in a relationship but once they are actually decently far enough along in one, they will be fine. Maybe that scenario fits you.

I think even using this site as an example of a place to start to gather evidence that will at least bring you back to neutral, you can see from reading the threads that almost everyone has problems in their relationships--some people take on these conflicts as if something is 'wrong' with them, while others just see it as not a match for me and keep moving. On the spectrum, try to make sure that you swing the other way that when something is not working out that it just isn't meant for you rather than adopting the belief that something is wrong with you. That said, you sound (have always, I think) introspective enough that if there are valid things to work on, then by all means work on them. But yeah the fatalistic belief will win 99% of the time. Believe in yourself more. You are normal and flawed just like everyone else--and most of those people manage to find their way into a relationship, thus so can you!

You make some excellent points. I guess, as you say, you have to just be mindful when you start to feel or think in that pattern and pull yourself up.

Also, learning to .. and be willing to let go sooner of situations when you feel they're not going to work, rather than lament them.

April 11, 2016

It's true that's been the case in the past.

Sometimes, despite my best intentions, the feelings just won't come.

Other times, I just end up in these complicated and difficult situations that make the whole relationship difficult to the point one or both of us is forced to walk away.

My current situation is a bit like that.

I met a women, the first woman in a very long time that I really felt a strong, mutual connection with. We enjoy each others company and things just kind of flow. It's amazing really.

After getting to know her better, I've learnt that she's no longer able to carry children. She's already had a child of her own. A 14 year old son (who I get along great with, so not really an issue).

So here I am at 37, asking myself.. is a great relationship with a woman I connect with.. or children of my own.

I always thought having children would be a give in for me. It's the first time I've had to be confronted with the question. If this were any other woman, I would have simply walked away from her.

But.. she really isn't.

So, once again I find myself in this place, wondering what the hell to do. Trying to decide to whether to let this person go.. despite it being well over 10 years since I met anyone remotely like her.

hmmmm, well actually my advice applied because i thought you were having difficulty finding a relationship--although i still think it applies. maybe you are looking for perfection? As in a perfect situation?

With what I bolded, everyone should be so lucky!!! That's pretty awesome. You should roll with it. I mean with her. Maybe you do have a bit of a fatalistic streak, in that, here is this amazing person in front of you, who you acknowledge is amazing yet you are thinking of throwing her away. I know having kids is super important. But maybe you don't know her side of it. Maybe she would be willing to adopt, do in-vitro or surrogate? Then you can have both--this wonderful person and a child.

I work with a great lady and she was in a similar situation when she met her now-husband. They now have a beautiful 5 year old boy (via donor egg). I suppose if he had just walked away without really exploring her thoughts on it, he would have missed out on both. I think the next step is to find out her thoughts--only with the full picture could you really make your decision anyway without regrets. in the case that you can't get on the same page with her, yes you most definitely will be facing one of the hardest decisions of your life.

Back to your original post, that's not fate or some doomed curse on you though, that's you getting to one of the difficult forks in the road that lots of people face (or various sorts) and making a tough decision that hopefully will bring you to the life you want. It's not your character or something 'about you' or bad luck that has brought you to this place. You could take your exact same facts of your situation and someone else with a more optimistic outlook would say that what GOOD luck you have to have found someone so amazing. And that there must be a lot good and amazing about yourself to have attracted this person into your life. Perspective is everything.

April 11, 2016

Neo - you are clearly hurting.

Been there and what I did was I went out and every couple that looked happy I watched. All those gooey eyed teenagers jesting about, the old couples enjoying a meal in silence together. Every couple that looked happy I watched and paid attention to.

I also stopped looking at unhappy couples or reading about it or allowing any negativity near me.

If its "anti" love then I just pushed it away.

Seemed to work for me and gradually restored my faith.

Sometimes you have to look for the good. Once you know how its actually a heck of a lot easier than looking for the bad. The good just isn't as sensational so we do not see it so often.

April 11, 2016

"No matter what I do, no matter how much I want this, I will lose this relationship just as I have every other relationship in my life. Nothing lasts and the more attached I become, the more pain and suffering I will have to endure when the end comes."

I've lost faith in having a love that lasts for me. Of having someone in my life who'll stay, who'll have my back. I've lost faith in my ability to be the kind of man to attach and keep that kind of woman in my life.

What you wrote above is a bit contradictory to what you wrote below:

So, once again I find myself in this place, wondering what the hell to do. Trying to decide to whether to let this person go.. despite it being well over 10 years since I met anyone remotely like her.

There was a reference you made several times about the first relationship which was the deepest one. And that level of connection you have been searching for a long time too.

And if you feel that kind of connection with the one you are seeing currently, then that makes you a very lucky person to have found something after waiting for this long.

People use a lot of pretty words, but in the end, their actions prove otherwise. Those that said they love you, will turn around, walk away and pretend you never existed. They will edit you out of their life, while you struggle on with the memories. You will become nothing more than a foot note to them.

And who are you talking about? Whose ideas are you projecting?

If you feel that the memories of your ex's stay with you with pain and suffering, then why do you presume that you have become a mere footnote in their minds?

Now, this person you have met, with whom you have connected,

dont' be so hasty to turn her into a footnote in your life then.

On a final note,

of all of your posts I've read, this one is the most devastating one. I hear your pain.

But you seem to follow a pattern of occasional "blip", then seem to bounce back up rather quickly--that's a compliment btw!

So hopefully you will ride it out sooner than you think.

But don't walk away so quickly yet. The regrets over wondering about "what it could have been…" could be more painful to struggle with than to explore what it can be now.

April 11, 2016

What you wrote above is a bit contradictory to what you wrote below:

There was a reference you made several times about the first relationship which was the deepest one. And that level of connection you have been searching for a long time too.
And if you feel that kind of connection with the one you are seeing currently, then that makes you a very lucky person to have found something after waiting for this long.

The original thought is more about a fatalistic sense that no matter what I do, all my relationships eventually end. This new relationship is no different.

For 10 years, I wonder around, entering into relationships with women whom, while lovely, I didn't share a deep connection with. Now, I find one, only to discover that it's "Choose the relationship, or your future children".

The unfairness of it all stings, even though I'm grown up enough to accept that life isn't and never will be "fair".

And who are you talking about? Whose ideas are you projecting?
If you feel that the memories of your ex's stay with you with pain and suffering, then why do you presume that you have become a mere footnote in their minds?

Because I have never once, ever turned my back on an ex. If those women showed up at my doorstep needing help, I'd help them. Perhaps that's a character flaw of my own. But just because a relationship doesn't work out, doesn't mean I automatically stop caring about the person. It just feels like people discard one another so easily. Treat each other as disposable. None of the women in my life have been "disposable".

Now, this person you have met, with whom you have connected,
dont' be so hasty to turn her into a footnote in your life then.

Trying very hard not too... yet I don't want to lead this wonderful woman on either. I need to figure out what I want and were I stand quickly. I don't want to cause any more pain.

On a final note,
of all of your posts I've read, this one is the most devastating one. I hear your pain.
But you seem to follow a pattern of occasional "blip", then seem to bounce back up rather quickly--that's a compliment btw!

So hopefully you will ride it out sooner than you think.

But don't walk away so quickly yet. The regrets over wondering about "what it could have been…" could be more painful to struggle with than to explore what it can be now.

Generally speaking, I try to avoid these kinds of posts. Normally I manage with a lot of this stuff myself. There just comes a point where I need another perspective and you guys, all of you, have always offered new perspectives, wisdom and points of view.

I'm just.. tired. Tired of losing. Tired of having to let things go that I really care about.. I feel like there's so many stories in my mind. People I've known, loved. All gone. I just don't know why it has to all be so hard.

April 12, 2016

Having just gone through a break-up I have felt the same. I think "why do people keep leaving me?" It must be something I'm doing. I know I have things to work on, improve myself but it's not just us. The people that leave have issues too. I often feel like I must be unloveable, especially after my break-up. We have to fight our own negative thinking. It's hard but stay in the fight.

April 17, 2016

From your initial post. Yes, I have that nihilistic feeling all the time. That just seems to be the nature of relationships now?

Some of the dating advice I see on-line suggests you shouldn't even go into a romance thinking it's going to be anything but temporary.

It's a sad and lonesome culture we live in.

April 18, 2016

I am completely through with romantic relationships. I'm too old and there is not a lot left of my heart. I have dedicated my life to my two best girlfriends, one of which is raising her two small grandchildren (I never had children of my own). I am at peace with this decision and the fact that the circle of people I trust has gotten humongously smaller.

The love, actions, intimacy, expeditures, outpouring of affecion, etc. Natrually, we expect the other person to reciprocate. Nope. It doesn't always work that way.

In my case, in a nutshell, my ex lost his home and had no one to turn to. He racked up a $6,000 bill for back rent. He is paying me back (if you want to know how I have strong-armed him into a payment plan, message me). But he basically "ghosted" me. No thank you, no I'm sorry. Not even a "have a nice life." Jeez. He has a little boy. Teach him to leach of of women too, daddy-o. (Sorry ... I digress.)

The point is, establish boundaries. Don't be too quick to trust. And ask questions. Was this person always the victim? Did they portray themself as the hero? I mean, there are a lot of lessons to be learned from meeting people.

Here's a big one: If they, within a short amount of time, shower you with adulation, affection, etc., take a step back. Because as fast as someone can profress that the are falling in love with you, they can fall out of love just as fast.

God Lord, I have rambled. Sorry! But your post has been therapeutic for me.

Thank you.

Strength and honor.

Edited April 18, 2016 by SixxChick

Sign In

Resignation to endings

Recommended Posts

neowulf

Versacehottie

Frank13

jen1447

neowulf

neowulf

Versacehottie

Toodaloo

burnt

neowulf

Elwood

TalesoftheWireMonkey

SixxChick

What's New

My Activity Streams

More...