zack121 Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Been thinking about the term closure How many people wanted it? How many people got it? How many people did'nt want/need it? How many people did not give it to other person? and why?
laRubiaBonita Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 it is nice to have closure to move on. otherwise, you kinda hang on to a pipe dream that since it was never TECHNICALLY said to over....maybe it is not. But there are times, i have been there, that i do not even know exactly why things had to end, but it was not right for me. Maybe the other person and i just were not the best match, it does not mean they did anything wrong....but Just being who they are/ were was not what i wnated. How do you tell someone that with out sounding like you are attacking them for being an individual? That is a problem i have had for myself.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by zack121 Been thinking about the term closure How many people wanted it? Always, yes. How many people got it? Usually, but not this time. Sometimes you have to give yourself closure. How many people did not give it to other person? and why? I always give closure on principle.
Author zack121 Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 RR : how do you give closure to yourself... its something, that appears, then goes I find myself saying its better this way , but then later I feel that I need it. I can on speculate, as I have never had to do this before. But I am at a loss as to why I did not get closure, or perhaps I did, jesus I can't remember remember being yelled at and told that it was all my faut. Did'nt feel like closure to me, more like f**k you. Amazes me how people can just change almost overnight. Changes for the better are respected, but if you change for the worst (subjective mind you) then how do you respect that Sometimes I feel that she did not want to give me closure, so she could have me hang on or perhaps leave her options open? Sometimes I feel like she did this on purpose to f**k me up (which she succeded in doing) having said that I am also responsible for the way I feel... sometimes I thik she did not do this so I would hate her and therefor do someting dumb, call and abuse her, sometimes I think she is just heartless and is doing to me what has been done to her. I guy did the EXACT same thing she did to me, cheated on her and left her overnight! packed his bags and just left! I have had no contact in months, becuase I can not bring myself to get it now. i asked once. I think about it though allot. I wish I new her motivations for not doing it! I have posted my thoughts on why people lie/cheat, and I thinkit has to do with the ablility to justify ones own conscious, if you can do that, does not matter what pain it inflicts on others.
beejsea2 Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Zack, I think everyone wants closure. I wanted it for a long time. Now I'm at the point in my break-up that I don't think I would believe what my ex would have to say so it's not important to me anymore. I have friends that keep asking me "don't you want to know the real reasons?" I reply that it won't make a difference in where I'm at so no I don't need closure any more. I was with my ex for 4 1/2 years and within weeks of his disappearance he was on-line posting on all the dating sites. For me finding out that information gave me some closure because prior to finding that information I thought me might be struggling with his choice to walk-out. Does it matter what her motivations were?? Someone posted the following passage that I have written out and have posted to my computer to work that gives me strength. "When people can walk away from you: let them walk. Your destiny is never ties to anybody that left." As far as the pain others inflict on others. Well I think some people don't care what their actions do to others...just as long as it doesn't inflict pain on them they're okay with it.
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by zack121 Been thinking about the term closure How many people wanted it? I'd rather have a little TLC. If not that, then let's just end it now. No hugs, no tears, no nothing. It's over. Even if it initially hurts to stand on my own, I'll manage. How many people got it? See above. How many people did'nt want/need it? See above. How many people did not give it to other person? and why? I certainly didn't do it the last time, but she was a bitch and had it coming. Had she been sincere, I'd have been more sympathetic. In this case, she only cried when she couldn't get her way. Made me respect her even less.
Author zack121 Posted June 17, 2005 Author Posted June 17, 2005 Originally posted by westernxer I'd rather have a little TLC. If not that, then let's just end it now. No hugs, no tears, no nothing. It's over. Even if it initially hurts to stand on my own, I'll manage. See above. See above. I certainly didn't do it the last time, but she was a bitch and had it coming. Had she been sincere, I'd have been more sympathetic. In this case, she only cried when she couldn't get her way. Made me respect her even less. Dude, have seen some of yoir posts... I like your style... love to hear what you have to say re: my story see sig, its long, but if u have time oneday... love your take on it..
westernxer Posted June 17, 2005 Posted June 17, 2005 Thanks for the compliment. I'll make a note to check out your others posts (kinda hard when I'm supposed to be "working";) ).
moon Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 Be careful what you wish for. I just recently asked for closure from my ex and he basically asked me to get back together with him. He even thinks maybe I could move in with him. He's going off the deep end. He's losing his mind.........??? I think you really have to weigh who you dated. You have to look at their past and what they usually do after break ups. I think a lot of it is well developed patterns of dealing with things. I have a pattern of running away. I bolt asap. I don't contact the person much afterwards, I look for closure from with in. But in my past two relationships I was the one who got broken up with. But both guys came back to me later asking for a second chance----so what's up with that? I guess the first break up with my ex ex was very situational and he wanted to move and I think he felt I couldn't fit into the new world he was going to---his move was job related. But then he came back six months later because I didn't contact him once. He contacted me one time and wanted to go to lunch and I tried to act aloof about it. Then I dated a lot when he went away again and then he came back again.............It's the games people play man, I tell you. Actually in this past relationship I had I broke up once, he broke up once with me. But sometimes it's hard to really find closure from with in when the guy's been a totally a**hole towards you. It's tricky. I think break ups happen and if they want to come back to you they do. If they don't then 9 times out of 10 you're the luckier person. You get to move on. When they come crawling back with their tail between their legs---now that's when you start losing sleep. Seriously. Because it's back on the roller coaster ride. Trying to rebuild trust, trying to understand why they had to hurt you like they did. Well, I guess I'll just have to find out. I am seeing my ex next weekend. I pray he doesn't try to strangle me in my sleep. I think he actually bought it when I told him he'd regret breaking up with me. I don't know why he's back. WHY??? WHY???? I don't know. Maybe he just simply needs me again. Maybe I want to go see him so I can show him my bruises and tell him I'm not the same chick he dated. Maybe I just want to rub it into his face that I'll be moving again in a few months. Cruel, cruel games we can play with these exes. My advice: Don't look for closure. If they want to give it to you they will call. At that point you can go from there. Then you can see for yourself if they really want another relationship with you or not. Otherwise, there is probably a reason they aren't contacting you. I mean a short worded letter asking for closure months later (after most of the pain is gone) is probably okay. But if they don't answer........you might consider yourself lucky. They are probably torturing some new person.....better them than you. Good luck.
smile95 Posted June 19, 2005 Posted June 19, 2005 I finally got the closure I needed today. I tried to give myself closure, but it did not work. I needed to hear from him. Did NC a month and he called today and explained a lot.....I know that this was not my fault. I know that he loves me and I love him, we just cannot be together. I had to have closure. I got it. So, sometimes they say what you fear most and sometimes it calms your fears and you feel better. Depends on the situation.
iwishiknewthen Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 i got most closure. not fully though. i think he got off the hook too much too easily. but really, i just wish i had him and he had me and we were together again. just one more time so this time i would be more relaxed and more of myself.... i think he'd like the new me which was the old me he didnt get to see because i was trying to please him all the time. basically he broke off with someone he really didnt know. ...and thats the part that will always frustate me. the constant kicking myself.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by zack121 RR : how do you give closure to yourself... its something, that appears, then goes I find myself saying its better this way , but then later I feel that I need it. I wish I new her motivations for not doing it! Well, I suppose you have to think it through for yourself. For example, I don't know Juliet's exact motivations - I think I can guess a little, but she wouldn't say. But what I do know is that she behaved badly and didn't want to face up to it - she even dumped me by phone. I know I don't want to be with someone who treats me like this. For whatever reason.
ReluctantRomeo Posted June 20, 2005 Posted June 20, 2005 Originally posted by iwishiknewthen i think he'd like the new me which was the old me he didnt get to see because i was trying to please him all the time. basically he broke off with someone he really didnt know. ...and thats the part that will always frustate me. the constant kicking myself. Don't kick yourself too much - you'd be surprised how much people see the real you when they get up close and personal. We can always improve our relational skills etc, but the fundamental "you" is never going to change. And everyone is nervous when they first date. If he has any sense, he'll know this. As moimeme likes to quote "if you're too dumb to see how wonderful I am, you don't deserve me"
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