Gloria25 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Maybe my post was unclear, but I actually am really feeling it. At first I think he was actually more interested than me but I also take a longer time to warm up to people just in general. He explicitly told me he likes me but I really do think he's afraid to be in a relationship and I'm not sure how to make him see that not all relationships have to be as screwed up as his last one. Maybe if you stopped having sex, you could see things more clearly without the "sex goggles". Sex makes us think something's there when really, there's nothing substantial. Some say that before sex, men are interested, etc. Cuz yes, they are horny. That's why before sex you gotta take the time to get them to know you, cuz once they have sex, they start looking at "you" for "you" (without the sex goggles).
Versacehottie Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Thanks for all your advice--you have all really helped me see this in a better perspective. I think I really needed to hear it from someone else that I do deserve better. I still do think he is a great guy, truly one of the good ones (most guys I feel would ghost but he actually had a mature conversation with me) but you're all right that I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. I've cancelled on him and decided to go out with someone else that I've been texting. As I think katiegrl said "Next" .... I think you did the right thing for YOU. Glad you dealt with this proactively. I don't think it's necessary at all to have met in person to say goodbye or sum things up or whatever. after 4 dates? Even after much longer, not a fan of the closure meeting. I think it's usually a meeting called for closure when really what is going on is an attempt by one or the other to keep things going in the way they want it. I'm usually the last one to shout "he just wants sex" but when you say that he wanted to meet in person when he had already told you that he wasn't interested in investing in you (or however he worded it), I'd guess that he was hoping for sex, to keep door open for future or some combination of. I think that was his reasoning. I'm glad you cancelled. I'm thinking he will be back around for one thing or another. You did exactly the right thing if you want a relationship chance with him. You may not get it now but you might get it later. Accepting "less" from him now in order to stay in his life would not get you a relationship with him IMO. Hope it all works out--with new guy or with this one when he figures it out. 1
Dis Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 first time poster! here's the deal: i'm confused about this guy i've started seeing (we met on tinder) we have a lot in common and have similar senses of humor and the sexual chemistry is fantastic. i can tell he's really into me as well, so i don't think it's in my head or that he's just not that interested. We've also hung out during the day with his friends since sleeping together so I don't get the feeling this is just about sex. So whats the problem? well i tend to overanalyze things especially when it comes to romantic relationships. i recognize this and it's something i'm trying to actively work on but i'm having a hard time telling if i'm overanalyzing in this situation or he actually is not a good fit. when we first started talking and seeing each other he texted me almost every day sometimes with sweet things like "good morning" or "hey beautiful" and so on. since our last date (last weekend) he hasn't communicated much. i reached out to him two days after our last date when i had only received a few snapchats as communication and then he initiated conversation again the day after that. he hasn't made plans for this weekend but when i last saw him he did say he was busy friday and saturday and seemed genuine in saying that he hoped he'd see me again soon. i don't think he's seeing any other girls but what i think is happening is that he is into me but thinks he already "has" me so he's already stopped putting effort into sending me sweet texts and making plans ahead of time. i would understand if this was happening later in a relationship but it seems like a red flag that it's happening so early on. am i reading too much into it? or is this guy not worth wasting my time on if he's already not putting much effort in to try and "get" me? Ok this is just my opinion. I do NOT sleep with guys until I'm in a serious, commited relationship with them for at least one month. I dont give the milk away for free. I find that many times (not all the time) guys dont take girls seriously who have sex with them right off the bat. Alot of guys dont consider girls who do this to be "girlfriend material". Ive actaully heard some guys say if a girl does have sex with them right away, they will not consider having a "relationship" with her more than just sex. Make a guy wait! Guys want what they cant have! If you give it to them right away theres nothing to look forward to and IMO it makes you look like dont have alot of respect for yourself. I know I might catch some slack on this but again...this is my opinion. It seems like you gave the milk away for free...now hes moved on to greener pastures. 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) Thanks for all the support guys! I know it was only four dates but I think we both agreed it was one of those right person wrong times type of things which makes it all that harder to try not to hope he'll come back but I will be moving on and trying not to think that way. I just came back to say to those that are slut-shaming me for sleeping with him early on--for some women we actually WANT to sleep with him. I don't play games and I'm not going to hold out on having sex just because it might make a guy like me more. I like sex and to me sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship if the sex isn't good I'm not going to waste my time on a potential relationship. You may want to wait for personal reasons and that's fine but I don't think sex should ever be used as an incentive or disincentive in a relationship. I felt ready to sleep with him and chose to do so so please quit with the shaming, it unnecessary and only perpetuates the idea that a woman who chooses to sleep with someone early on is not relationship material. Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator language~T 2
Author rsunicorn Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 I think you did the right thing for YOU. Glad you dealt with this proactively. I don't think it's necessary at all to have met in person to say goodbye or sum things up or whatever. after 4 dates? Even after much longer, not a fan of the closure meeting. I think it's usually a meeting called for closure when really what is going on is an attempt by one or the other to keep things going in the way they want it. I'm usually the last one to shout "he just wants sex" but when you say that he wanted to meet in person when he had already told you that he wasn't interested in investing in you (or however he worded it), I'd guess that he was hoping for sex, to keep door open for future or some combination of. I think that was his reasoning. I'm glad you cancelled. I'm thinking he will be back around for one thing or another. You did exactly the right thing if you want a relationship chance with him. You may not get it now but you might get it later. Accepting "less" from him now in order to stay in his life would not get you a relationship with him IMO. Hope it all works out--with new guy or with this one when he figures it out. I'm trying not to think this way because I'm afraid if I think that way I won't move on, but I also can't help but think he'll be coming back in the future once he gets his baggage sorted out, but I guess if that happens it happens but until then I don't think it's healthy to hold out that kind of hope.
kztar Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) Thanks for all the support guys! I know it was only four dates but I think we both agreed it was one of those right person wrong times type of things which makes it all that harder to try not to hope he'll come back but I will be moving on and trying not to think that way. I just came back to say to those that are slut-shaming me for sleeping with him early on--for some women we actually WANT to sleep with him. I don't play games and I'm not going to hold out on having sex just because it might make a guy like me more. I like sex and to me sexual compatibility is a big part of a relationship if the sex isn't good I'm not going to waste my time on a potential relationship. You may want to wait for personal reasons and that's fine but I don't think sex should ever be used as an incentive or disincentive in a relationship. I felt ready to sleep with him and chose to do so so please quit with the shaming, it unnecessary and only perpetuates the idea that a woman who chooses to sleep with someone early on is not relationship material. I tend to agree with you here but, sadly I think you should have played the waiting game a little longer. The reason I say this is because alot of guys really have this stupid view that if it was easy to get in your pants you're not worth it. Men feel like they can test the waters but the woman should not. Im the same way, I actually like to have sex BEFORE dating, because if the sex is bad there will be NO DATING at all. Sexual compatibility is a big thing for me too so I totally understand you. I refuse to get myself into a relationship with someone who I am not sexually compatible, things end all sorts of ways too. Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language~T 1
Dis Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) I tend to agree with you here but, sadly I think you should have played the waiting game a little longer. The reason I say this is because alot of guys really have this stupid view that if it was easy to get in your pants you're not worth it. Men feel like they can test the waters but the woman should not. Im the same way, I actually like to have sex BEFORE dating, because if the sex is bad there will be NO DATING at all. Sexual compatibility is a big thing for me too so I totally understand you. I refuse to get myself into a relationship with someone who I am not sexually compatible, things end all sorts of ways too. OP and kztar I hear you both and I agree with your points. Yes it is an unfair standard that us women face. And sexual compatibility is sooo important, however I think you can determine alot of sexual compatibility by fooling around. I've always been able to tell if the sex was going to be bad or good with a guy by making out and all that good stuff. The sexual chemistry is there or its not. OP, my intention was not to call you anything. I would never call another female that word. I have alot more respect for women than I do for men most of the time. I get it, you wanted to have sex with him, but what your not realizing is...after you did have sex with him, that killed whatever feelings he had for you. You have needs, so does every women, but fulfilling those needs by having sex with a man can complicate things. I personally get emotionally invested in the guys I date, esp after sex. Which is another reason for my "rule". I think you got invested too. I prevent heartbreak by not sleeping with guy too early on. Its a rule of thumb thats worked for me Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Language ~T 1
kztar Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 (edited) OP and kztar I hear you both and I agree with your points. Yes it is an unfair standard that us women face. And sexual compatibility is sooo important, however I think you can determine alot of sexual compatibility by fooling around. I've always been able to tell if the sex was going to be bad or good with a guy by making out and all that good stuff. The sexual chemistry is there or its not. OP, my intention was not to call you anything. I would never call another female that word. I have alot more respect for women than I do for men most of the time. I get it, you wanted to have sex with him, but what your not realizing is...after you did have sex with him, that killed whatever feelings he had for you. You have needs, so does every women, but fulfilling those needs by having sex with a man can complicate things. I personally get emotionally invested in the guys I date, esp after sex. Which is another reason for my "rule". I think you got invested too. I prevent heartbreak by not sleeping with guy too early on. Its a rule of thumb thats worked for me I have to be disciplined with a rule like this lol. I already slept with someone who I like a lot and this guy and I are not looking for anything serious. Sadly I had been looking forward to sleeping with him since I met him a little over two years ago. We went on a few dates in the past and recently after my breakup and things were/are good but I don't know if I ruined my chances of ever having something serious with him in the future. (Not now because I know he's still traveling the world and doing everything before he gets into a serious relationship and I'm just trying to NOT make the same mistakes in a new relationship so basically I'm still learning about myself). Anyway, regardless of what happens in the future, I'm happy and I'll be alright. But yeah I need that rule lol Edited April 17, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Author rsunicorn Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 I have to be disciplined with a rule like this lol. I already slept with someone who I like a lot and this guy and I are not looking for anything serious. Sadly I had been looking forward to sleeping with him since I met him a little over two years ago. We went on a few dates in the past and recently after my breakup and things were/are good but I don't know if I ruined my chances of ever having something serious with him in the future. (Not now because I know he's still traveling the world and doing everything before he gets into a serious relationship and I'm just trying to NOT make the same mistakes in a new relationship so basically I'm still learning about myself). Anyway, regardless of what happens in the future, I'm happy and I'll be alright. But yeah I need that rule lol I probably need this rule too but for me it's just not something that works. I get what you're all saying but for me holding off having sex with someone I'm into simply because it might make him more invested seems like I'm lying to myself and playing games. To each their own though
Recommended Posts