rsunicorn Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 first time poster! here's the deal: i'm confused about this guy i've started seeing (we met on tinder) we have a lot in common and have similar senses of humor and the sexual chemistry is fantastic. i can tell he's really into me as well, so i don't think it's in my head or that he's just not that interested. We've also hung out during the day with his friends since sleeping together so I don't get the feeling this is just about sex. So whats the problem? well i tend to overanalyze things especially when it comes to romantic relationships. i recognize this and it's something i'm trying to actively work on but i'm having a hard time telling if i'm overanalyzing in this situation or he actually is not a good fit. when we first started talking and seeing each other he texted me almost every day sometimes with sweet things like "good morning" or "hey beautiful" and so on. since our last date (last weekend) he hasn't communicated much. i reached out to him two days after our last date when i had only received a few snapchats as communication and then he initiated conversation again the day after that. he hasn't made plans for this weekend but when i last saw him he did say he was busy friday and saturday and seemed genuine in saying that he hoped he'd see me again soon. i don't think he's seeing any other girls but what i think is happening is that he is into me but thinks he already "has" me so he's already stopped putting effort into sending me sweet texts and making plans ahead of time. i would understand if this was happening later in a relationship but it seems like a red flag that it's happening so early on. am i reading too much into it? or is this guy not worth wasting my time on if he's already not putting much effort in to try and "get" me? 1
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 You have already slept together. The chase is gone. You know that. However, you do need to discuss your expectations regarding communication & time spent together. It's not nagging to set forth your needs. It becomes nagging when you complain about the same things over & over but nothing changes. So talk to him about what you want. If your needs aren't being met you have to determine if you are willing to vote with your feet or settle for being a doormat. 4
clia Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 How long have you been dating him? Are you exclusive? I really don't think it's a good sign that he hasn't made any plans to see you this weekend. 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 How long have you been dating him? Are you exclusive? I really don't think it's a good sign that he hasn't made any plans to see you this weekend. We've been dating about a month and while we haven't had any sort of DTR talk I'm pretty confident he's not seeing anybody else and I'm not--mostly because as a personal principle I prefer to only date one person at a time. I also worry that he hasn't made plans for this weekend but I thought I might be overthinking it 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 I posted earlier this week about a guy I have recently started seeing. We met online and have been on four or so dates. After our last date despite saying he was looking forward to seeing me the next weekend he didn't text much during the week, just a snapchat here and there. I texted him once and he responded normally. Over the weekend he had said he would be busy Friday and Saturday but wasn't sure about Sunday and would let me know. By Sunday I had not heard from him again so I texted and asked point blank if he was still interested and if he was when he was free to go out and if not to just tell me. I know this might have come on a bit strong but I'm not one to play games so what's done is done. We then talked and he said he was unsure of his feelings because they weren't as initially strong as the feelings he had had in the past with his previous ex where they had a really bad breakup. He said he did like me but wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship yet. I calmly explained to him I didn't expect him to have fully formed feelings yet and was ok taking it slow. We are planning to meet up tomorrow to talk a bit in person and see how we both feel but I'm wondering now if I should just cut my losses and move on before I get hurt or try and see if his feelings develop more if we take it slowly. Advice? 1
Satu Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 I would just let it go. Neither of you are really feeling it. What isn't there, isn't there. Take care. 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 I would just let it go. Neither of you are really feeling it. What isn't there, isn't there. Take care. Maybe my post was unclear, but I actually am really feeling it. At first I think he was actually more interested than me but I also take a longer time to warm up to people just in general. He explicitly told me he likes me but I really do think he's afraid to be in a relationship and I'm not sure how to make him see that not all relationships have to be as screwed up as his last one. 1
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 I am sorry to say this ..but it sounds to me like after four dates, he simply lost interest. I mean he flat out told you his feelings were not strong enough to move forward with you. Cannot get any more straightforward than that. That is your cue to back off, and if it were me, move on. Him then saying he is "not ready for a relationship" is because he is not over his ex...he still has feelings for her. .. even though their relationship was dysfunctional. 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 I am sorry to say this ..but it sounds to me like after four dates, he simply lost interest. I mean he flat out told you his feelings were not strong enough to move forward with you. Cannot get any more straightforward than that. That is your cue to back off, and if it were me, move on. Him then saying he is "not ready for a relationship" is because he is not over his ex...he still has feelings for her. .. even though their relationship was dysfunctional. That would have initially been my thought but then why did he ask to see me again to talk in person if he simply was not interested? 1
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 That would have initially been my thought but then why did he ask to see me again to talk in person if he simply was not interested? Good point. He sounds confused.... ambivalent. 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 Good point. He sounds confused.... ambivalent. Confused or ambivalent? I feel like confused I can deal with taking it slow while he figures it out as I said above. Ambivalent not so much. 1
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Confused or ambivalent? I feel like confused I can deal with taking it slow while he figures it out as I said above. Ambivalent not so much. That is what ambivalent is though. Confused about feelings, unsure of his feelings. Feeling both positive and negative feelings simultaneously. He told you he was unsure of his feelings = that is ambivalence. After only four dates, and being there is an ex he is still thinking about, I would cut my losses and move on. But you need to do what feels right for you.
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 That is what ambivalent is though. Confused about feelings, unsure of his feelings. Feeling both positive and negative feelings simultaneously. He told you he was unsure of his feelings = that is ambivalence. After only four dates, and being there is an ex he is still thinking about, I would cut my losses and move on. But you need to do what feels right for you. Thanks. I get the feeling the ex is more the issue than the feelings, or that he expects to be in love after one date which seems totally unrealistic to me.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 He's lost interest. Him meeting up is a way to keep that door open, in case he decides later he wants you again. I can't see any reason to meet in person to "talk." Sorry OP, I know it sucks. But I wouldn't bother trying to make it happen. If he's already backing out after just 4 dates, it's done. 4
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Thanks. I get the feeling the ex is more the issue than the feelings, or that he expects to be in love after one date which seems totally unrealistic to me. It is actually both. He still has feelings for his ex, therefore he is unable to develop feelings for you. You need to accept this. When a man is interested in a woman, he doesn't tell her he is unsure of his feelings for her and that his feelings for his ex were (are) stronger. They just don't. I would be so gone if a man I was dating said that! Wish him well and be on my merry way. Next. 1
kendahke Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Maybe my post was unclear, but I actually am really feeling it. At first I think he was actually more interested than me but I also take a longer time to warm up to people just in general. He explicitly told me he likes me but I really do think he's afraid to be in a relationship and I'm not sure how to make him see that not all relationships have to be as screwed up as his last one. Why do you want to bother with someone who is afraid to be in a relationship? That's more trouble than it's worth. If he's still bringing in baggage from his last relationship and is still sorting it out on your time, then he's not ready to be in a relationship with anyone. He might be down for some sex, but not for the rigors of a relationship. 3
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 It is actually both. He still has feelings for his ex, therefore he is unable to develop feelings for you. You need to accept this. When a man is interested in a woman, he doesn't tell her he is unsure of his feelings for her and that his feelings for his ex were (are) stronger. They just don't. I would be so gone if a man I was dating said that! Wish him well and be on my merry way. Next. Thanks, thats a helpful way of framing that. Do you think it's at least going to meet him and hear whatever he has to say in person out? Or should I just cancel and not bother? 1
kendahke Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 That would have initially been my thought but then why did he ask to see me again to talk in person if he simply was not interested? Talk is cheap--what action has taken place to buttress this? 1
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 Talk is cheap--what action has taken place to buttress this? I'm not sure what you mean by this? In response to your other comment why deal with someone who has baggage, to put it simply I guess I think he might be worth it. 1
kendahke Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure what you mean by this? In response to your other comment why deal with someone who has baggage, to put it simply I guess I think he might be worth it. No, him saying he wants to meet up with you and talk and then nothing... So you're content to be with someone who is still struggling with whether or not he wants to pursue his feelings for his ex? Wouldn't you rather him be clear that he wants to pursue you and is not afraid, ambivalent, confused, double-minded or fragmented about that? This is the fastest track to being back-burnered and to tank your self esteem--nothing feels worse than knowing you're not someone's first choice and they act like it. or is this guy not worth wasting my time on if he's already not putting much effort in to try and "get" me? It's not like you don't already know what's going on Edited April 10, 2016 by kendahke 1
katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure what you mean by this? In response to your other comment why deal with someone who has baggage, to put it simply I guess I think he might be worth it. JMO but unless a man is sure of his feelings for me, and wants to pursue a relationship with me, he is not worth it. He may or may not be a good guy (frankly four dates is too soon to know that) ... but not worth me investing my energy and emotions into. Dating is rough enough without having to deal with a man who isn't even sure how he feels about you. You deserve better than that, don't you think? Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl 5
kendahke Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 He said he did like me but wasn't sure he was ready for a relationship yet. I calmly explained to him I didn't expect him to have fully formed feelings yet and was ok taking it slow. You're trying to talk him into changing his mind by doing this. The correct answer to him would have been "Ok, see you around." Value yourself enough to let him do the heavy lifting. You can take things slow and still spend time in each other's company--those two concepts are not mutually exclusive. He dropped a huge hint that he's not interested in being your boyfriend. Him having plans all weekend only a month into something new with a new woman doesn't bode well at all---he should still be wanting to spend time getting to know you at this point--not trying to put space between you two already. Generally speaking, when a man does that this soon, it means he's lost interest and doesn't want to have to go beast mode for you to understand that. Let him come to you. Stop confronting him--he should be making plans for the weekend with you of his own volition, not because you got direct with him about how he's falling short of your expectations. 3
Author rsunicorn Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 Thanks for all your advice--you have all really helped me see this in a better perspective. I think I really needed to hear it from someone else that I do deserve better. I still do think he is a great guy, truly one of the good ones (most guys I feel would ghost but he actually had a mature conversation with me) but you're all right that I don't want to have to convince someone to be with me. I've cancelled on him and decided to go out with someone else that I've been texting. As I think katiegrl said "Next" .... 8
hippychick3 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I wouldn't bother meeting up. Cut your losses and move on. He's definitely lost interest. Once a guy goes lukewarm on you, there's no going back. You want someone whose feelings GROW for you in time, interest INCREASES...if this is not the case, you're wasting your time. 2
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