Ex-boyfriend wants to be friends

[Zahara]

Do you think I should still join Badoo despite him being on there or find a different app?

 

Find a different app.

 

It makes sense that you still miss him, regardless of how he treated you. It's normal. Just don't react on those emotions.

[cae88]

When I last posted here, I was really missing my ex.

 

Despite the way I felt, I tried to put my energy and time into other things. I joined a social app (not the one my ex is on), read books, watched motivational youtube videos, etc. - which has helped to a certain degree.

 

Joining the app was overwhelming for me. I am a reserved person and an introvert, but I gave it a try because I figured this was a great way for me to meet people. I spoke to a few guys, but soon it became too much to keep up with. As messages kept flowing in and the number of chats increased (the last time I was on there I had 80+ different chats within 3 or so days), I began to withdraw and now I no longer log into the app (though I still have it on my phone).

 

I don't know guys, lately I have been really thinking a lot about my life and how discontent I am in almost every aspect: socially, emotionally, romantically, financially. Currently I am working (my contract ends in a few months) and I want to do further studies overseas (I got my Bachelor's degree in 2013), but nothing really excites me or motivates me anymore. I met up with some of my girlfriends a month ago, and many of them are in a relationship or engaged. My sister (and only sibling) is also engaged.

 

I just feel very lonely sometimes honestly. My sister and I had an argument this week (over something petty) and it just made me think about our relationship. I would love to be able to have deep life conversations with her, but it has never been that way for us. I am literally 27 years old (my sister is 30) and she has NEVER asked me about my relationships. We have never talked about dating, guys, sex, nothing. Even as teens. She is much more social and outgoing than me, so she has had many boyfriends and a lot more friends. As a sister, she hasn't shared her romantic relationships/experiences with me and has never asked about mine. Even now, as an engaged woman she doesn't care if I am dating. The other day, she caught me crying and in the moment asked if I was okay, but never followed up to ask me how I was.

 

Anyways, I am rambling about her now, but I wish our relationship was different, you know? Honestly we're not that close, but we never really have arguments either. Yesterday we had another argument (about the same thing earlier this week) and the last thing she said to me is "You have issues" - which hurt me because that's the way I feel about myself sometimes.

 

Well I might as well say that based on the way I have been feeling lately and me missing my ex, I ended up unblocking him on whatsapp a week after I last posted here and I have been looking at his profile on the social app. This is hard for me to say to you all and I guess there is no logical reason for it except that I miss him.

 

He has sent me a few messages on whatsapp, which I have not responded to. Last week he put up a photo of himself, changed his status message to "Prosperity" and messaged me minutes after with a "hey wassup", said good night later on and good morning the following day. This week Monday he changed his profile pic to a woman and his status message said "All mine". He took the photo down a few hours later and put up the previous photo he had of himself with the status message "I love you, you know yourself dont ask me who"

 

I did not think this message was possibly for me, until yesterday when he sent me some messages in which he admitted that he messed up and asked me to forgive him:

 

"Good morning"

"I messed up Im f*ucked up but please forgive me"

"I'm nothing now your so far away"

"Even if u dont respond just want you to know I MESSED UP ITS MY FAULT I DESERVE WHAT YOUR DOING NOW OK"

"HAVE A PRODUCTIVE DAY"

 

Have I completely forgiven him yet? No, but I want to. I feel that forgiving him will help to free me and move on. I am not quite there yet, however, he has asked to be forgiven and from what I see he feels guilty for what he did.

 

How should I handle this?

[cae88]

^ Reading this helped me a lot today!

 

My ex left me for someone else and was talking to him behind my back for the last weeks so i feel emotional cheated on.

I can't compare this to what you have been through but all i can say is; stay strong for yourself!

It's normal you still miss him because you lov(ed) him and it was your first love (same story for me), i also miss my ex..

 

I'm pretty sure you've come a long way in the past year. And you should keep moving forward!

If you don't want to be friends with him (which is normal) you should just move on. If he does not respect your decision it clearly shows he does not care for you. As harsh as it may sound, he just wants to ease the guilt he is having.

 

Try to find a different app to make new friends, or if you're social - just go out and talk to people.

 

Hang in there!

 

 

Thank you Darkeyy! I'm so glad that my post helped you. Our stories have some similarities, but also some differences. I too, was emotionally (and I believe also physically) cheated on, but my ex did not leave me for someone else. He carried on as if all was fine (although I felt he was becoming more and more distant) and I was the one who found out on my own that he had cheated (he became upset about anything I brought up about him possibly cheating).

 

Thank you for encouraging me to stay strong for myself and to keep moving forward. I want to also encourage you to hang in there and follow the same path of moving forward.

[cae88]

It makes complete sense to miss someone who mistreated you. Even if someone mistreated you, there were good times. There was potential for the relationship. You wished it could have been different. You are missing all of that. You are going through a very normal process, and you are feeling completely normal.

 

Seeing your ex twice is triggering emotions. That happens when you see the person, hear from the person, or are reminded of them in some way. You can only control so much by blocking someone and removing any reminders like gifts or pictures. Most of us recommend blocking someone because it drastically cuts down on the triggers, but there are unanticipated run ins.

 

The way handle those runs ins with your ex is to put them into perspective. You saw him in his car. Seeing him reminds you that he is a stranger, and that hurts. It reminds you that he is out there, living his life without you. He's got his own agenda and is doing his own thing. All of that hurts, but, in reality, it's only conformation of what you already knew. Let yourself get upset for a minute, but move on from it. It's not the end of the world. Don't make a snap decision to break NC like you did before. Don't go on impulse. If you feel like breaking NC, stop and breathe. Get out a sheet of paper and write down the reasons you want to break NC. Write down why you think these are good or bad reasons. Write down the likely outcomes. Doing so will help you see more objectively and hopefully stop you from making an impulse decision. Breaking NC is a big deal. It may not seem like it, but it's a big deal. So don't go breaking NC lightly. As you can see, you will usually regret it later.

 

Thank you BC1980. Everything you said makes so much sense. I really needed to hear this...

[PegNosePete]

"Good morning"

"I messed up Im f*ucked up but please forgive me"

"I'm nothing now your so far away"

"Even if u dont respond just want you to know I MESSED UP ITS MY FAULT I DESERVE WHAT YOUR DOING NOW OK"

"HAVE A PRODUCTIVE DAY"

 

Have I completely forgiven him yet? No, but I want to.

Block him so you don't get any more surprise messages from him.

 

How should I handle this?

By blocking him in every way possible, his emails, phone calls, texts, whatsapp facebook twitter myspace EVERYWHERE. Make it so the only way he can possibly communicate with you is by smoke signals.

[Zahara]

I did not think this message was possibly for me, until yesterday when he sent me some messages in which he admitted that he messed up and asked me to forgive him:

 

"Good morning"

"I messed up Im f*ucked up but please forgive me"

"I'm nothing now your so far away"

"Even if u dont respond just want you to know I MESSED UP ITS MY FAULT I DESERVE WHAT YOUR DOING NOW OK"

"HAVE A PRODUCTIVE DAY"

 

Have I completely forgiven him yet? No, but I want to. I feel that forgiving him will help to free me and move on. I am not quite there yet, however, he has asked to be forgiven and from what I see he feels guilty for what he did.

 

How should I handle this?

 

You should handle it by blocking him. Stop allowing him all this space in your life. That is what is going to free you and help you move on.

 

Just because he's asked for it, it doesn't mean you grant it.

 

Honestly, I don't take the words from these types very seriously. If anything I read this message as a poor me. And who signs off with "have a productive day" -- it feels like a shallow apology.

[cae88]

Thank you Zahara and PegNosePete

 

His message kind of does give off a 'poor me' tone to it, doesn't it? Especially him saying "I deserve what you are doing". It didn't seem that way yesterday when I read it. Also the typing in caps? Was that even necessary?

[PegNosePete]

It was all designed to get a reaction out of you. Any reaction. He's trying every different way he can think of, to get you to respond to him.

 

BLOCK.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara and PegNosePete

 

His message kind of does give off a 'poor me' tone to it, doesn't it? Especially him saying "I deserve what you are doing". It didn't seem that way yesterday when I read it. Also the typing in caps? Was that even necessary?

 

Yes, necessary because he's trying to get you to react. He's nothing now that you are so far away. Right. The poor thing.

 

You need to block him. And don't reverse that a week into it. You're never going to be able to fully move on.

[LD1990]

It sounds like you're in a tough spot, cae88. I'm an introvert too, and I understand how it can be lonely at times, especially when you want to have a deeper conversation with someone and all you get is surface-level small talk (or when you're the only one asking about the other person's life and they never bother to reciprocate - ugh).

 

However, you're being weak here. I don't say that to insult you, we all have our weak moments. You're lonely, and you probably have fond memories of talking to your ex, so you're finding ways to keep that connection to him. It's not lack of forgiveness that's holding you back here. You're just having a hard time dealing with your loneliness and sadness, so you're looking for a solution.

 

You have to hold yourself to a higher standard. Tell yourself you deserve better, that being alone the rest of your damn life is better than allowing someone who cheats on you and lies to you back into your life. You're an intelligent woman, you can do so much better, so don't settle for less just because it makes things easier right now.

 

By the way, I highly doubt your ex really feels guilty. People don't just grow a conscience all of a sudden. He didn't care about your feelings when he cheated, he doesn't care about your feelings now, all he cares about is that it bit him in the ass this time so he's saying whatever he thinks will bring you back. My ex texted some guy she knew overseas behind my back for months. It devastated me. She told me how sorry she was and how terrible she felt for hurting me. I made excuses for her in my head and stayed. She ended up texting other guys behind my back. Despite the fact that she apparently felt so bad about hurting me the first time. They don't feel guilty, they feel bad they got caught.

[cae88]

It sounds like you're in a tough spot, cae88. I'm an introvert too, and I understand how it can be lonely at times, especially when you want to have a deeper conversation with someone and all you get is surface-level small talk (or when you're the only one asking about the other person's life and they never bother to reciprocate - ugh).

 

However, you're being weak here. I don't say that to insult you, we all have our weak moments. You're lonely, and you probably have fond memories of talking to your ex, so you're finding ways to keep that connection to him. It's not lack of forgiveness that's holding you back here. You're just having a hard time dealing with your loneliness and sadness, so you're looking for a solution.

 

You have to hold yourself to a higher standard. Tell yourself you deserve better, that being alone the rest of your damn life is better than allowing someone who cheats on you and lies to you back into your life. You're an intelligent woman, you can do so much better, so don't settle for less just because it makes things easier right now.

 

By the way, I highly doubt your ex really feels guilty. People don't just grow a conscience all of a sudden. He didn't care about your feelings when he cheated, he doesn't care about your feelings now, all he cares about is that it bit him in the ass this time so he's saying whatever he thinks will bring you back. My ex texted some guy she knew overseas behind my back for months. It devastated me. She told me how sorry she was and how terrible she felt for hurting me. I made excuses for her in my head and stayed. She ended up texting other guys behind my back. Despite the fact that she apparently felt so bad about hurting me the first time. They don't feel guilty, they feel bad they got caught.

 

 

Hi LD1990. That is exactly why I came on here. Loneliness and a heightened state of emotions are not a good combination for anything pertaining to exes. I knew I would get some perspective here, so thanks.

 

While I do feel that lack of forgiveness is part of what is holding me back (I haven't 100% let go of resentment), I feel that not going completely cold turkey non-reversing NC is the main reason...and the fact that I am also looking at his Badoo profile isn't helping (which I cannot block).

 

I must say I don't know if my ex really feels guilty or not, but I never thought he would have ever asked me to forgive him. That is one thing I never foresaw. He went from denying/lying, to "I'm sorry but" to "I'm truly sorry" to "I messed up please forgive me".

 

You do have a point though, that he never cared about my feelings when he cheated, lied - and even locked his phone. He never cared about my feelings about other things during our relationship either. There were some situations where he was not willing to talk about issues, but rather just swept them under the rug, and yet I stayed. So, right now he might very well be doing and saying things to get me to react because he is really feeling like he is losing me - even as a friend. As you said it's biting him in the ass. I don't think he thought this would ever happen because when we were together, I told him that I would want to be friends if we were to break up. That was long ago though. I was very young.

 

Introvert or not, maybe I need to give the app I joined another try. Even though I found myself sifting through messages and felt overwhelmed maybe I should just push beyond my comfort zone..