Ex-boyfriend wants to be friends

[cae88]

My ex and I broke up a year ago. I broke up with him because he cheated on me (I found out through a third party).

 

When I told him how it hurt me, he gave me a bunch of half-apologies and half-truths. Every time he said sorry it was followed by a 'but'. E.g. he said he's 'sorry, but he hasn't been on the site in over a year..' and ' sorry but he never put anyone above me'. After I expressed to him that we were in a relationship, so he cannot begin to understand how it felt to know that I was just one of many people he was talking to he said 'I was the one not one of' and he only spoke to these women online, never met or slept with any of them (which could very well be a lie).

 

After finding out about him cheating, all the trust I had was broken. Since then I have put dating on hold because I really have a hard time trusting. He deceived me for a good portion of our relationship, essentially wasting my time and making me think that we would actually have a future together. I have known him for 10 years, but we were together for 6. I was 17 when I met him (my first love), so I spent much of my late teens and prime 20's committed to him.

 

After breaking up, he tried to contact me mostly through phone calls, and also sent some texts asking why I was ignoring him (I was in no contact). I broke NC once or twice (rang his phone), but he never picked up. Now, he has been contacting me for over a month because he wants to be friends and talk to me. I don't know if he has an ulterior motive but it doesn't seem like he wants to get back together (not that I would anyways), he just mentioned being friends and speaking.

 

To me it seems like he is neither taking my feelings into consideration nor has taken the time to really recognize the impact that his actions had on me emotionally. Or maybe he does, but just doesn't care because he simply wants what he wants (to be friends and be on good terms). For over a week, he has been sending me good morning/goodnight texts, telling me to have a good day and he keeps saying that he hopes I'm ok. He hasn't really said anything more than that. He also sent me this video a few days ago:

 

I have not responded to his messages yet, but I do want to send him a message to put an end to his hope of being friends. "Friends" should trust each other. He knows that I don't trust him anymore (and he has not said he wants to repair trust), so how could he ever think speaking and/or being friends is ok? Anyways, this is what I want to send (or some variation of it):

 

"This is hard for me to say, but I feel it's best we don't communicate. I'm not going to pretend I'm ok with being your friend or ok in general about everything that happened. I have known you for 10 years and now I am dealing with the aftermath of everything by healing and letting go, which does not involve speaking to you."

 

I think it's simple and to the point. What do you think? I would be grateful for any advice you have.

[Steven1]

That's probably about the best thing to say that you can to be honest. It's simple but it gets it out of the way you know?

 

I know what you mean though. My ex wanted us to be friends but I got thinking about it eventually, even though the circumstances were boyfriend/girlfriend, even any kind of 'friend' to me, wouldn't have acted the way she did. So I'm quite unsure about it myself as well.

[BC1980]

To me it seems like he is neither taking my feelings into consideration nor has taken the time to really recognize the impact that his actions had on me emotionally. Or maybe he does, but just doesn't care because he simply wants what he wants (to be friends and be on good terms). For over a week, he has been sending me good morning/goodnight texts, telling me to have a good day and he keeps saying that he hopes I'm ok. He hasn't really said anything more than that. He also sent me this video a few days ago:

 

It's important that you recognize he isn't taking your feelings in to consideration because you can't be friends with a person who won't do that. To me, I'm thinking he might have some guilt, but, instead of talking about what really happened and trying to understand how you feel, he is sending pointless text messages and YouTube videos. I think he is attempting to see if you will just blow off what happened and absolve him of his guilt. You know, guilt is a difficult emotion, and none of us want to admit when we have done something wrong. It's hard to grapple with that guilt and the need to make it right. If he does feel guilty and wants to make some amends, he is going about it in an immature and thoughtless way. Furthermore, how could he expect you to be friends with him? Is he completely inept? If he cared or had any empathy, he would simply leave you alone. If he wants to offer a sincere apology, he is free to do that as well. I don't see any of that happening.

 

I think your message to him sounds fine to me. I would also suggest blocking him, so you don't have to deal with him any further.

[BC1980]

That's probably about the best thing to say that you can to be honest. It's simple but it gets it out of the way you know?

 

I know what you mean though. My ex wanted us to be friends but I got thinking about it eventually, even though the circumstances were boyfriend/girlfriend, even any kind of 'friend' to me, wouldn't have acted the way she did. So I'm quite unsure about it myself as well.

 

That's how I felt about my ex. Why would I be friends with a person who treated me so poorly and who showed so little regard for my feelings? Why would I be friends with a person who showed zero empathy and remorse for my feelings? Why would I be friends with a person who cannot take responsibility for his actions? Why would I be friends with a person I don't trust? I think it's about the same with the OP.

 

My ex has repeatedly tried to engage me in personal conversations and tried to be friends. Really? It's so transparent. He is trying to minimize what happened, which is what the OP's ex is doing. I'm glad the OP is smart enough to realize what is happening.

[266696687]

Your response is exactly as it should be. Send your message then block him from contacting you again.

 

He has no right to ask or expect your friendship after what he has done. The trust is gone and you are absolutely right with wanting to keep him away.

 

You are also right that he doesn't care or consider your feelings at all here. His persistence is hope that eventually you'll give in regardless of how he has treated you. Your message is firm and clear that you won't tolerate it.

 

Then take some time for yourself so you can move on. Having him contacting you regularly is preventing that at the moment.

[cae88]

I sent him the message. This was his series of replies:

 

Him:

"Really"

"That's how you plan to push me away"

"Ok"

"Cool

"I will stop texting you"

"People make mistakes and this is how you deal with it wow"

"Thanks anyways"

 

So now he is upset? I had to CONFRONT him about his cheating. He HID it from me and while he did half-apologize as I said (not even immediately at that), he denied some of it as well, so why am I now the one at fault?

[LD1990]

You're the one he's blaming because blaming himself would require admitting he's a total douchebag, and it's much easier to make excuses. His responses show what you probably already know at this point - he's a child who can't take responsibility for his own actions.

 

You've got nothing to feel bad about here. Block him everywhere, don't play his games because all he's going to do is try and play the victim with this whiny "people make mistakes" nonsense.

[266696687]

I sent him the message. This was his series of replies:

 

Him:

"Really"

"That's how you plan to push me away"

"Ok"

"Cool

"I will stop texting you"

"People make mistakes and this is how you deal with it wow"

"Thanks anyways"

 

So now he is upset? I had to CONFRONT him about his cheating. He HID it from me and while he did half-apologize as I said (not even immediately at that), he denied some of it as well, so why am I now the one at fault?

 

It's nothing more than a guilt tripping tactic turning it around on you so he doesn't have to accept responsibility for his behaviour. It's quite common. He is angry because you aren't giving in as easily as he expected you would.

 

Do not reply. Ignore and block him.

 

He is sorry he got caught.

[darkbloom]

Can I ask why you would want to be friends with someone who has lied to you and refuses to take your feelings into consideration?

 

What makes you think he will be any more honest with you as a friend than he was as a boyfriend?

[YWGMan]

[B]

That's how I felt about my ex. Why would I be friends with a person who treated me so poorly and who showed so little regard for my feelings? Why would I be friends with a person who showed zero empathy and remorse for my feelings? Why would I be friends with a person who cannot take responsibility for his actions? Why would I be friends with a person I don't trust? I think it's about the same with the OP.

 

My ex has repeatedly tried to engage me in personal conversations and tried to be friends. Really? It's so transparent. He is trying to minimize what happened, which is what the OP's ex is doing. I'm glad the OP is smart enough to realize what is happening.

[/b]

 

This is exactly what i ask myself whenever i get a text from my ex, he is trying to initiate a conversation again after 4 months of BU, i blocked him in any social media sites but he managed to send me email still. They are so selfish that they just think about themselves. You should have gone no contact and silence is an answer too OP.

 

[B]I sent him the message. This was his series of replies:

 

Him:

"Really"

"That's how you plan to push me away"

"Ok"

"Cool

"I will stop texting you"

"People make mistakes and this is how you deal with it wow"

"Thanks anyways"

 

So now he is upset? I had to CONFRONT him about his cheating. He HID it from me and while he did half-apologize as I said (not even immediately at that), he denied some of it as well, so why am I now the one at fault?

[/b]

 

You just gave him the satisfaction and power that you have a year after you broken up. He does not deserve any attention, look what happen now he sounded like upset.

 

Stay NC.

[BC1980]

I sent him the message. This was his series of replies:

 

Him:

"Really"

"That's how you plan to push me away"

"Ok"

"Cool

"I will stop texting you"

"People make mistakes and this is how you deal with it wow"

"Thanks anyways"

 

So now he is upset? I had to CONFRONT him about his cheating. He HID it from me and while he did half-apologize as I said (not even immediately at that), he denied some of it as well, so why am I now the one at fault?

 

Here's the thing. You're not obligated to be friends with him or have in your life in any way. Even if he had never cheated and it ended wonderfully, you're still not obligated to be friends with him. You can make the decision to go your own way, and that is perfectly fine. In fact, that is what most people chose to do. I have exes where there are no hard feelings, but we still aren't friends. It's up to you who you let in your life, and I don't think he's really worthy. You feel the same way. If he has a problem with your decision, it is HIS problem. It's not your problem. If he has guilt, ect., that's his to deal with. He has to reconcile his emotions on his own just as he left you to do. He is minimizing his actions by throwing it all back on you. Not cool.

 

Block him now, and don't engage. Any type of conversation will be circular and unproductive.

Edited April 11, 2016 by BC1980

[Blanco]

Agreeing to be someone's romantic partner doesn't also mean agreeing to be friends with them if the relationship should end.

 

It's usually a nice sentiment to think you'll be able to stay in each other's lives after the breakup, but it's a flawed expectation.

 

An ex showing displeasure that you don't want to be friends with them is actually a blessing. It shows that you're probably making the right choice to cut someone from your life who clearly prioritizes what they want above all else, even if it means disregarding what another person wants or is comfortable with.

[cae88]

I don't want to be his friend. I said that to him in the message I sent him. The trust is completely gone. He is the one that wants to be friends

 

Can I ask why you would want to be friends with someone who has lied to you and refuses to take your feelings into consideration?

 

What makes you think he will be any more honest with you as a friend than he was as a boyfriend?

[cae88]

Thank you everyone for your replies. I just read through them.

 

I had a moment of weakness after his message last night and I might have said something that reassured him that what he said affected me.

 

I said, "It's not about pushing you away. Do you understand that we have known each other for a decade and you are my first love? I am trying to work through my feelings. The process is hard but I'm trying"

 

He replied by saying he understood and that he is "TRULY SORRY".

 

I shouldn't have said anything else, but what's done is done I guess. I'm not going to think about whether that apology is genuine or not because really and truly if I was not made aware of him cheating he would be still lying to me to this day.

 

I'm going full no contact now

[cae88]

I feel sad today about the whole ordeal, but hopefully these feelings will pass soon..

[cae88]

Knowing someone for so long, it's so hard to just completely cut them out of your life *sigh* I broke no contact again today.

 

I did not mention this in my initial post, but my ex has a serious illness. An illness that he has to take medication for every day for the rest of his life. As you can imagine it impacted our relationship. The medication made him tired a lot (sometimes he missed taking it) and the illness sometimes sent him into deep sadness. But despite everything, I was there for him and stayed by his side from the start of him first knowing about him illness.

 

During the year I was no contact, I thought about how he was doing etc... and a day ago I was feeling emotional and just.....wanted to know if he was ok in that respect.

 

In a nutshell I told him that during NC I thought about his health and whether he was taking care of himself, going to the doctor (he would often skip checkups when we were together) and taking his medication regularly. I told him that I want him to be ok health-wise and I always have from the very start.

 

He responded by saying thanks for asking, he's doing great and he hasn't missed a day of taking his meds. I did not respond to him (and I don't intend to)

 

I don't know guys, I just felt like my emotions got the best of me and I blew it, again. I probably blew up his ego and quite possibly he might think that I'm no longer upset about the fact that he cheated since I cared enough to ask how he's doing and went against what I said I wanted, which was to not speak to him.

 

I meant it when I said I don't want o be his friend, but for some reason I just felt emotional and wanted to know if he was ok health-wise (which really and truly should be none of my business).

 

What do you think he thought when I asked him about his health? Did I blow it? I feel like a mess right now and possibly need some tough love because I cannot keep breaking no contact any longer.

[cae88]

I just feel like my emotions are getting me in trouble and I have alleviated him of guilt, which is not what I wanted

[LD1990]

Just remember, his illness never stopped him from cheating, did it? While you were by his side being supportive he was talking to other girls behind your back. Having an illness doesn't excuse his actions, and the fact that he sometimes didn't take care of himself is now something you don't need to worry about. You're his ex, not his mother. I think you wanted to reach out so you did so under the guise of "making sure he's OK." You've gotta be honest with yourself here.

 

This guy cheated on you and took essentially no responsibility, then he wanted to shift the blame to you for not forgiving him. If you think that's the kind of person you need in your life, by all means keep talking to him. If you think you deserve better, block him everywhere, keep him blocked, and accept that nothing about his life is your concern anymore.

[cae88]

Just remember, his illness never stopped him from cheating, did it? While you were by his side being supportive he was talking to other girls behind your back. Having an illness doesn't excuse his actions, and the fact that he sometimes didn't take care of himself is now something you don't need to worry about. You're his ex, not his mother. I think you wanted to reach out so you did so under the guise of "making sure he's OK." You've gotta be honest with yourself here.

 

This guy cheated on you and took essentially no responsibility, then he wanted to shift the blame to you for not forgiving him. If you think that's the kind of person you need in your life, by all means keep talking to him. If you think you deserve better, block him everywhere, keep him blocked, and accept that nothing about his life is your concern anymore.

 

You're right LD1990, it never stopped him from cheating on me whatsoever. I don't know what got into me this week where talking to him is concerned. I guess I somewhat still care about him, but now I need to disappear completely.

 

He cheated on me, and yet and treated me badly, and yet I revealed to him that I'm still concerned about his wellbeing, after all he has done. Where is my self respect? I don't know. It's there somewhere. I just have work hard to find it

[cae88]

Today I'm really regretting breaking no contact. To whoever is reading this who is thinking of breaking it and you're not completely healed from the breakup, don't. Just don't.

 

It's not worth it. You'll just end up feeling bad.

Edited April 15, 2016 by cae88

[266696687]

Today I'm really regretting breaking no contact. To whoever is reading this who is thinking of breaking it and you're not completely healed from the breakup, don't. Just don't.

 

It's not worth it. You'll just end up feeling bad.

 

Yes stay strong and use the feeling you know now to prevent you from breaking NC again.

 

Learn the lesson. Further contact is not a long term solution you only feel worse after. It's a temporary high initially followed by a low. NC will help you heal it just takes time.

[cae88]

I have been trying to understand the way I've been feeling lately.

 

I was doing fairly well until I saw my ex two times within the past week - once driving on the way to work and the other occasion on a social/dating app.

 

Early last week I drove past him on the way to work (I saw him but he did not see me, as he's not familiar with the car I was driving). We drove past each other in opposte directions like two strangers...

 

As for the app (Badoo), recently I found out that he's actively on there. I wanted to join the app (to make new friends), but now I am having second thoughts about it because I don't want him to see me on there. Ever since I found out about him on Badoo, I have visited his profile. I can't see much since I'm not a member, but I have seen him online on different occasions at different locations. He's not wasting any time I guess.

 

Lately I have been missing him. It doesn't make sense that I miss someone who mistreated me lied to me and cheated on me, but I do. I shouldn't care and I shouldn't even be on here writing about it, but I am.

 

Do you think I should still join Badoo despite him being on there or find a different app?

[d0nnivain]

You miss the good stuff. You are glossing over the bad stuff.

 

 

You should definitely find a new app.

[Darkeyy]

Today I'm really regretting breaking no contact. To whoever is reading this who is thinking of breaking it and you're not completely healed from the breakup, don't. Just don't.

 

It's not worth it. You'll just end up feeling bad.

 

^ Reading this helped me a lot today!

 

My ex left me for someone else and was talking to him behind my back for the last weeks so i feel emotional cheated on.

I can't compare this to what you have been through but all i can say is; stay strong for yourself!

It's normal you still miss him because you lov(ed) him and it was your first love (same story for me), i also miss my ex..

 

I'm pretty sure you've come a long way in the past year. And you should keep moving forward!

If you don't want to be friends with him (which is normal) you should just move on. If he does not respect your decision it clearly shows he does not care for you. As harsh as it may sound, he just wants to ease the guilt he is having.

 

Try to find a different app to make new friends, or if you're social - just go out and talk to people.

 

Hang in there!

[BC1980]

I have been trying to understand the way I've been feeling lately.

 

I was doing fairly well until I saw my ex two times within the past week - once driving on the way to work and the other occasion on a social/dating app.

 

Early last week I drove past him on the way to work (I saw him but he did not see me, as he's not familiar with the car I was driving). We drove past each other in opposte directions like two strangers...

 

As for the app (Badoo), recently I found out that he's actively on there. I wanted to join the app (to make new friends), but now I am having second thoughts about it because I don't want him to see me on there. Ever since I found out about him on Badoo, I have visited his profile. I can't see much since I'm not a member, but I have seen him online on different occasions at different locations. He's not wasting any time I guess.

 

Lately I have been missing him. It doesn't make sense that I miss someone who mistreated me lied to me and cheated on me, but I do. I shouldn't care and I shouldn't even be on here writing about it, but I am.

 

Do you think I should still join Badoo despite him being on there or find a different app?

 

It makes complete sense to miss someone who mistreated you. Even if someone mistreated you, there were good times. There was potential for the relationship. You wished it could have been different. You are missing all of that. You are going through a very normal process, and you are feeling completely normal.

 

Seeing your ex twice is triggering emotions. That happens when you see the person, hear from the person, or are reminded of them in some way. You can only control so much by blocking someone and removing any reminders like gifts or pictures. Most of us recommend blocking someone because it drastically cuts down on the triggers, but there are unanticipated run ins.

 

The way handle those runs ins with your ex is to put them into perspective. You saw him in his car. Seeing him reminds you that he is a stranger, and that hurts. It reminds you that he is out there, living his life without you. He's got his own agenda and is doing his own thing. All of that hurts, but, in reality, it's only conformation of what you already knew. Let yourself get upset for a minute, but move on from it. It's not the end of the world. Don't make a snap decision to break NC like you did before. Don't go on impulse. If you feel like breaking NC, stop and breathe. Get out a sheet of paper and write down the reasons you want to break NC. Write down why you think these are good or bad reasons. Write down the likely outcomes. Doing so will help you see more objectively and hopefully stop you from making an impulse decision. Breaking NC is a big deal. It may not seem like it, but it's a big deal. So don't go breaking NC lightly. As you can see, you will usually regret it later.