New to dating, [advice] requested!

[unbe]

Need some advice everyone.

 

Im 38, been divorced for over a year. Started online dating about 3 months ago.

 

The women (35) I am currently seeing is what Im looking for feedback on.

 

We started talking back in Feb. Due to scheduling conflicts and my general lack in interest, we kept missing meet ups. Initially I wasn't interested in her because I was kinda seeing someone else and I wasn't that attracted to her pics. She was a cool girl and we had some good convos which is why the texting continued. It wss very sparatic though, maybe a text every few days, short convo then nothing. Its prob what kept her interested in the beginning, my lack of availability.

 

Anyway we finally got on the same page to meet up on 3/29. I went in with low expectations and boy was I surprised. Natural beauty, fun, witty, successful and exactly what I am looking for. Why is she single was the first thought...

 

First date goes as well as it can. During the night she asks when we are going to see each other again, I suggest memorial day (playing on how long it took us to meet initially) she laughs and suggest the weekend. I had plans Saturday so we agreed to meet Friday after she had dinner with her gf. End of the night I walk her to her car, she asks for a kiss and gets it. Sparks flying everywhere.

 

Second date we meet up and decide to go for a walk around the park, great convo (no hand holding, or arm holding will get to this later). We sit on a bench for a bit, kiss some more. I drive her home, kiss goodnight and night ends..2 for 2 so far. I text her when I get home saying i had a great night, she says the same. I decide to ask her to dinner Sunday, she says that would be great, third date planned.

 

Third date we meet in the city, she looks great! Clearly dressing to impress (as am I). Kiss hello, have dinner, great convo. Decide to walk around the city (again no hand holding). We spend a few hours walking around, grab desert. Kiss on the corner passionately ( I stop in the middle to look in her eyes, my signature move lol, and notice her smiling ear to ear). I drive her home and we make plans to see each other this past Friday. She lives and dies by her calendar and appears to be a very busy girl.

 

Now during the week I start to pick up the texting frequency more to try and build rapport, she clearly isnt on the same page with this so I dial it back by mid week. We get to Friday.

 

Forth date I pick her up, kiss hello and off to the city. Park the car and head over to the restaurant (we have dinner and show ticket plans). As we are walking to the restaurant she grabs my arm. Progress! (important to me that this happened). We get to the restaurant he she says we need to get a picture together because none of her friends believe i exist. Also during dinner she is joking how she had to try on 5 different outiftis, get opinions from her friends, she doesn't wear makeup that often but had to tonight. That WHEN i meet her parents they are a little wacky. She cant wait to see my house and for me to come to hers. All good signs IMO. I told her I also had a hard time picking out my outfit and had to send them to my sis and mom for feedback.

 

She then asks me if I am emotionally scared from my previous marriage, will I not want to get married again. I of course diffuse this and explain how I waited a while to get into dating so I wouldn't make someone pay for my x's past digressions. I would abosultey get married again if I found the right person.

 

She then asks am I the type of guy who falls in love fast. To this I say not at all but when I find someone I like, I do enjoy spending time with them

 

Sht test passed IMO!

 

Out of all of this I gather she wants to take things slow. She is prob guarded from her past relationship (which was 6 months ago) she dated him on and off for 2.5 years. If I had to guess, she thought he was the guy shes going to marry and it didn't work out. Also, she may be very well the person who falls in love fast and is scared and is now trying to slow it down.

 

Dinner is over and we are off to the show. Show went well however she was checking her phone during it which kinda annoyed me. She is on her phone a lot and this is the one thing so far that gets to me. Not sure when I should bring this up but I will at some point.

 

Anyway show ends, we are both pretty tired so we head back to her house. During the drive I had suggested her to come over for dinner Sunday night. She said she had plans but would 100% take a rain check. We had made plans for next Saturday (I had got ticks to a ball game and asked her during the week if she was free to go). She said that the next time she can see me is then but after the game we can go back to her place and hang out.

 

We get back to her place, kiss goodnight in the car and part our separate ways. She asks me to text her when I get in so I do. To which she does not respond.

 

I do hear from her again but not until last night, small talk mainly.

 

Ok this is my question(s).

 

1- How do I continue conversation during this upcoming week (this is what I struggle with mostly, over-eagerness). WITHOUT LOOKING TO NEEDY

 

2- Opinions on her mindset and am I reading this correctly.

 

Thanks in advance for your help!

Edited April 10, 2016 by unbe

[scooby-philly]

Hey OP,

 

For once, someone gave a very detailed story and asked for very specific advice! Not that we can always do it - but it helps make advice easier to give.

 

I've never been married. (Engaged in the past) So I don't know what the long-term commitment recovery is like. (Not that I haven't been hurt, but not like a 5,10 year thing) I will say you were smart to pick up on some of her guardedness.

 

Obviously we're only getting your side of the story - but so far it seems like you too have been on the same page thus far - not a stepped missed, saved for some possibly little annoying behaviors - like the phone.

 

A few points:

 

I think women who ask for texts mean they care about you - unless it's a compulsive thing. Especially since you both seem to be passing the initial "are they crazy" tests and also having a good time with each other

 

She already gave you a heads up things may get physical next weekend - i.e. you can go back to her place after the game. Maybe someone else might interpret that differently, but I'd say she wouldn't have told you unless she wanted to make sure you were ready.

 

As for keeping her interest - you said she's really busy from what you can guess. Perhaps you just drop her a note and a link to something you read online you thought she'd find funny or interesting. Assuming, that is, you already learned something about her likes - comedians, favorite tv shows, political leanings, etc. Whatever you've had a decent convo about already. This way she has something to "react" against more than just your words.

 

My only caution - cause I see this a lot as a 34 year old guy dating 28-34 year olds - "career women" - I'm not a trophy or someone to fill in the gaps in your schedule. Not saying this is your situation at all. Just something to keep in mind - is she into you or the "idea of you".

 

Keep us posted!

 

oh - and the fact that she grabbed your arm is also a good sign that I'd bank on.

[unbe]

Hey OP,

 

For once, someone gave a very detailed story and asked for very specific advice! Not that we can always do it - but it helps make advice easier to give.

 

I've never been married. (Engaged in the past) So I don't know what the long-term commitment recovery is like. (Not that I haven't been hurt, but not like a 5,10 year thing) I will say you were smart to pick up on some of her guardedness.

 

Obviously we're only getting your side of the story - but so far it seems like you too have been on the same page thus far - not a stepped missed, saved for some possibly little annoying behaviors - like the phone.

 

A few points:

 

I think women who ask for texts mean they care about you - unless it's a compulsive thing. Especially since you both seem to be passing the initial "are they crazy" tests and also having a good time with each other

 

She already gave you a heads up things may get physical next weekend - i.e. you can go back to her place after the game. Maybe someone else might interpret that differently, but I'd say she wouldn't have told you unless she wanted to make sure you were ready.

 

As for keeping her interest - you said she's really busy from what you can guess. Perhaps you just drop her a note and a link to something you read online you thought she'd find funny or interesting. Assuming, that is, you already learned something about her likes - comedians, favorite tv shows, political leanings, etc. Whatever you've had a decent convo about already. This way she has something to "react" against more than just your words.

 

My only caution - cause I see this a lot as a 34 year old guy dating 28-34 year olds - "career women" - I'm not a trophy or someone to fill in the gaps in your schedule. Not saying this is your situation at all. Just something to keep in mind - is she into you or the "idea of you".

 

Keep us posted!

 

oh - and the fact that she grabbed your arm is also a good sign that I'd bank on.

 

Thanks for the feedback. Just to be clear in 38 and shes 35

 

So I did text her yesterday saying I hope she had a good day with her friends (she had mentioned she had plans). That text went unanswered until 8:30 this morning.

 

This mornings text was her apologizing for not reaching out to me and wishing me a good day. Seems like a little gamesmanship on her part.

 

I had just responded about 20 min ago saying my day was great, hoping hers went well and asking if she had plans for next wed. I was able to get my hands on playoff hockey ticks and know shes a big fan so I was going to ask her. I want to see if shes free prior to mentioning what its for...little sht test of my own!

[GunslingerRoland]

It's really tough to read this situation, sounds like she is giving you extremely mixed signals. Very engaged, when with you. When not, she seems like she doesn't care.

 

 

I mean some people aren't into talking via text, but the way she sounds addicted to her phone, she doesn't seem like that type.

 

 

I think you just need to play it out, and hopefully the interest she displays in person is the real story.

[unbe]

It's really tough to read this situation, sounds like she is giving you extremely mixed signals. Very engaged, when with you. When not, she seems like she doesn't care.

 

 

I mean some people aren't into talking via text, but the way she sounds addicted to her phone, she doesn't seem like that type.

 

 

I think you just need to play it out, and hopefully the interest she displays in person is the real story.

 

 

Very mixed signals...which is why I am here. On one hand shes talking about meeting her family, on the other hows shes independent and would be ok with being alone.

 

Has asked me about 4 different ways if Id get married again. Asks if I want kids.

 

I honestly think she was messed up bad from the prev R, now the walls are up and I have to knock them down. Sometimes I hit a wall and it falls and these comments come out. When im not with her, the walls are back up

[unbe]

Thanks for the feedback. Just to be clear in 38 and shes 35

 

So I did text her yesterday saying I hope she had a good day with her friends (she had mentioned she had plans). That text went unanswered until 8:30 this morning.

 

This mornings text was her apologizing for not reaching out to me and wishing me a good day. Seems like a little gamesmanship on her part.

 

I had just responded about 20 min ago saying my day was great, hoping hers went well and asking if she had plans for next wed. I was able to get my hands on playoff hockey ticks and know shes a big fan so I was going to ask her. I want to see if shes free prior to mentioning what its for...little sht test of my own!

 

 

Update: We spoke yesterday, she mentioend how getting toghtther during the week is tough but she will let me know today if it was possible.

 

We had around a 15 min convo (usually doesn last longer than this). I asked her about work which she loves to talk about...she finished her gripes about working with idiots then said at least we have Saturday to look forward too. I agreed and ended the convo by saying lets catch up during the week.

 

I was thinking about sending a funny pic about working with idiots some point mid day today or tomorrow. Then no communication until fri to confirm logistics on sat.

 

I figure she wants to take things slow....I will take it even slower

[smudge21]

Over thinking... the death call for all early relationships. Calm it down (coming from me that's hard to say) and run at her pace. Try to keep the texts 50/50 or maybe a bit more from her. Remember, as much as you're nervous and unsure, so is she. There's two people in this game, always remember that. She's clearly seriously into you, no doubt about that, but wants to be certain take things slow. You're fine with that and you've made it clear. Don't over text or even over contact. I screwed up there a while back - similar in that we were like two peas in a pod when together but distant elsewhere. I over thought and pushed it as I thought the distance outside of the dates was a worry. It wasn't. People like their own time and need that to appreciate and even miss the other person. You can't miss someone or even think about them if they're always in your face. I ended up creating a problem I was worried about that never existed. Just sit back, chill, have a beer, relax and scrub up for next weekend.

[unbe]

Over thinking... the death call for all early relationships. Calm it down (coming from me that's hard to say) and run at her pace. Try to keep the texts 50/50 or maybe a bit more from her. Remember, as much as you're nervous and unsure, so is she. There's two people in this game, always remember that. She's clearly seriously into you, no doubt about that, but wants to be certain take things slow. You're fine with that and you've made it clear. Don't over text or even over contact. I screwed up there a while back - similar in that we were like two peas in a pod when together but distant elsewhere. I over thought and pushed it as I thought the distance outside of the dates was a worry. It wasn't. People like their own time and need that to appreciate and even miss the other person. You can't miss someone or even think about them if they're always in your face. I ended up creating a problem I was worried about that never existed. Just sit back, chill, have a beer, relax and scrub up for next weekend.

 

Words to live by...this is clearly where I need to be and have been doing.

 

Now the trick, staying out of my own head and continuing to execute! My mantra, make it to Saturday without any casualties.

[unbe]

It's really tough to read this situation, sounds like she is giving you extremely mixed signals. Very engaged, when with you. When not, she seems like she doesn't care.

 

 

I mean some people aren't into talking via text, but the way she sounds addicted to her phone, she doesn't seem like that type.

 

 

I think you just need to play it out, and hopefully the interest she displays in person is the real story.

 

She did mention how she likes to talk more than text...made that clear from the beginning. Im thinking keeping texting down to a min (ie logistics only, maybe some funny pics...) and everything else handled via telephone. However, I will not be the one to initiate this at this present moment.

[unbe]

Ok, so CEO reached out (fitting nickname IMO) and confirmed she is available for Wednesday. I then hit her with the reason and she is super excited.

 

Also sent a funny pic reg idiot co-workers which she responded too....

 

Think I got the game plan, need to stick with it now. We are heading in the right direction

[unbe]

Question:

 

exchanged good night texts last night then good morning texts and she expanded on how her day was going...I was going to reply in kind and end it with a 'thinking of you"

 

yea or nay?

[unbe]

Update:

 

Went for it....

 

Exact words.

 

 

Addressed her comment about work then....

 

"Ive been thinking about you. Theres this one country sound that keeps coming on and it reminds me of you"

 

Got a response....

 

"Hahaha. Send me the name of the song, I want to hear it"

 

I sent the song, she responded very well to it. Said it was perfect song to fall asleep to.

 

Playing the game, light texting. 1:1 ratio...

 

I did call her last night to firm up plans for Sat. During the call she revealed some more very very personal facts about herself which was a clear risk take on her behalf. Her walls are for sure coming down. This is the first time I initiated a call since we have been speaking, we spoke for about 45 min. She acknowledged the fact and thanked me for calling.

 

She also re-confirmed that tomorrow we would be spending the entire day together and will be going back to her house to 'chill'.

 

Sundays update should be interesting....wish me luck!

[unbe]

Update:

 

So plans for the day where to head to the game, then she asked if I would go to Home Depot with her and help her out with a few things there. Afterwards we would head back to her place and chill.

 

Before I begin there is an interesting dynamic at play. She has a roommate who is her best friends cousin (guy) and is apparently a fck up. He is around 10 yrs younger than her.

 

 

Pick her up and we are off to the game. During the drive she is engaged but also on the phone, something was going on with her brother and she was concerned- understandably.

 

We get to the game, having a good time. Some parts of silence but not awkward, just kinda taking it all in. Things to note, I kissed hello, no hand holding.....

 

The game was OK...maybe not the best place for a date but I enjoyed being at the park. She seemed to as well.

 

We head off to HD, she was very excited to go for some reason...lol

 

Anyway we are there picking up some sht, she wanted to get some flowers to plant. Little did I know I would be planting these flowers with her (keep in mind I NEVER did this with my X, not once...)

 

We get back to her house, its around 6. She wanted to plant them before it got dark so we did... It was an interesting feeling for me, kinda like we were an old couple that have known each other for years. It felt kind nice to do something NORMAL

 

After we are done with decide to sit on the couch and watch some TV. She tells me the roomate should be home any moment. I am getting the sense she either

 

1- Wants me to go

2- Is sht testing me to see how I react

 

I pretened like I didnt hear it and get comfortable..

 

She sits on the other side of the couch....oh hell no!!!

 

I pull her into me, she immediately comes over and lays on my chest, puts her hand on my stomach. She looks at me and we start kissing...

 

This goes on for about 20 minutes...it does not progress from here however she is clearly into it as am I. She has no poker face, she is falling for me.

 

We had some country music playing in the background, she had gotten up to do something ( i think go to the bathroom I dont really remeber).

 

A song I love comes on, I grab her and start to dance with her in the living room. Her inner monologue wasnt working a the time and she says "really?"- she probably is getting a sense this this may be too good to be true.

 

As we are dancing we start to kiss again until the song is over. I then say "It would have been a great tragedy if we never met" (we were very close to this not happening). She agrees and says "Everything happens for a reason, the universe wouldn't have allowed that"

 

Anyway, back on the couch...some more cuddling till the movie ends.

 

We have plans for Wednesday to go the hockey game. I ask her how her week looks, we also make plans for Sat. She will be coming to my house and Ill cook (knowing this I decided there is really no reason to push anything further here). Her roommate is on his way home, I decide it time to leave. Its around 9....

 

We say goodnight a few times...she is leaning in for kisses, pulling me in close. Thanks me for an amazing day. I am very tempted to ask her to be exclusive but decide against it. Again, I dont think she is seeing anyone else and I still am although I am very close to cutting everyone else off.

 

During the night she keeps mentioning how she wants to meet my friends, family. I feel we are going to progress to this naturally and maybe the conversation isn't even necessary. Its more for me than for us....

 

Im driving home shes texting me some funny sht...I text her "Today was a lot of fun, enjoy the rest of your night sweetie. BTW, I can definitely get used to you laying on my chest ".....this does not get a reply nor have I heard anything this morning.

 

Overall I give it an 8 outta 10....

 

Thoughts?

[BlueIris]

It sounds all good to me.

[unbe]

Update:

 

The text Sat night went unanswered.

 

No communication all day

 

Sent a text late last night, hope you had a good day. just wanted to say goodnight...so far that has gone unanswered.

 

Guess Ill be looking for a new date to the hockey game lol

 

Onto the next...

 

Just goes to show you...peoples reality's are so different. Here you have my view which took that date as a great day, mostly positive signs with the exception of the roommate situation. Clearly her view was not the same.

[smudge21]

Nail and head there my friend - we all can have awesome times with other people, and we think they can feel the same way due to how they seem to be enjoying it too... and then wham!, it's all over in a heartbeat. I'm unsure how people can really feel one way and then another so quickly, or if they're just good at acting. Just leave this one for now and go fishing elsewhere. If this one starts biting again, just be careful.

[unbe]

Got a bite...

 

Update: Shes alive

 

"Hey good morning!! Saturday was a blast. Thank u again for the help with the flowers! They are looking great back there. Have a great day!"

 

No mention of why she was a ghost yesterday...

 

No response to my text from Sat night...

 

This is a pattern, she clearly doesnt like affection through text. I got the message!

 

Whats my play?

[unbe]

Update:

 

Hockey game was an amazing night...we had a ball. Laughed, rooted hard. Went nuts....great night.

 

She was still on the phone all night. This is clearly her personality. What bothers me is I see her instatt repsonding to everyone else and she isnt like that with me. Part of the game I assume...A game that is growing tiresome.

 

Then a moment of weakness on my part....Could be the end.

 

Unbe: "Hey, I hope you got in ok. You should know that I am totally into you. Seeing you tonight, having so much and just genuinely awesome reinforced what I already suspected. That I am really excited to see how far we can take this, I do not want to date anyone else and I only want to be with you. I would have liked to say this in person to you tonight but just couldn't find the right moment"

 

CEO (30 minutes later): Hey, yup I got home a lil bit ago. Thank you for another great night. Despite the loss it was an awesome time together. You sure gave me a lot to think about! Lets talk tomorrow after work. Have a good night

 

Flame away...........

 

To anyone reading, this is an example of what NOT to do.

Edited April 21, 2016 by unbe

[unbe]

So I was seeing a girl for about a month...everything going great. We went on around 6 dates, did not sleep together.

 

During our 6th date she was noticabley pulling away and acting strange. I confronted her about it and she advised that she has been in AA for around 6 months and her sponsor advsied her that she shouldnt start any new relationships now. So that pratcially ended it...this was a little less than two weeks ago.

 

Now, this was bothering me so last week I shot her a text saying While I apprecaite what shes going thorugh I couldnt understand how ending something that was going really well benefits her in any way. If she was nervious that this was going ot fast, we can certainly slow it down.

 

When I sent her this text she was traveling for work but she did respond. "Hey, thanks for the text. I really dont have any free time and I will call you when I do. I am really happy to hear all of this"- this was last tuesday.

 

She got back on Thursday, then called me Friday. The call Friday was basically a catch up call, we spoke for about 20 min. I had to go because I was at work, nothing disucssed.

 

No word Fri night

 

No word Sat- I texted her hoping she was enjoying her night and that I was thinking about her.

 

No word Sun

 

Monday comes- she responds saying she had a great time Sat.

 

This morning I respond with-

 

unbe:"hey, its been almost a week since that text and we still havent discussed it. Did you want to meet up for coffee or dinner tonight?"

 

her: good morning. i expected to talk about it when i called friday but i guess since you were at work we didnt get into it. tonight is no good, how about tomorrow.

 

unbe: sure tomorrow should be good. Do you wanna grab dinner or coffee?

 

her: Sure, dinner sounds good! Hows 7

 

so my question is...what the hell should I expect to hear tomorrow? Would a girl actually agree to dinner if she was going to end it?

[Satu]

It doesn't seem like she's very interested in you.

 

Don't set your hopes too high.

[SunnyWeather]

It doesn't seem like she's very interested in you.

 

Don't set your hopes too high.

 

I"m not so sure I agree with this. The lady in question is in recovery, and it sounds like she is taking it seriously. Most AA programs say one should wait at least a year sober before getting entangled in a new relationship.

 

I think the fact that she is still in contact with you OP and willing to meet for dinner says that she is still interested, but it might be more on a friend-like basis while she gains strength.

 

It's a long road being with a partner with addictions. I suggest you look into Al Anon for some support on how to proceed with this.

 

good luck

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she likes you, but she is taking her sobriety very seriously (as she should) and focusing on getting healthy. I would expect only friendship at this point, and as hard as it will be, you need to respect that boundary.

 

You may want to speak to some recovering alcoholics and Al-Anon, who can shed some more light on what she's experiencing and why AA generally recommends that those in recovery shouldn't embark on new relationships.

 

It's not fun for you, but she's right.

[unbe]

while I agree this is most likely heading towards a friendship and it would be very difficult for me if I truly do care about this girl I would and should accept that.

 

Also, I wrote back 7 is good, how about I pick you up and well go out by you. That was 3 hours ago, no answer....

[unbe]

SO yestreday she sends me a text responding to my picking her up at 8

 

Ok. Lets confirm the exact time tomorrow.

 

Unbe: Sounds good. Enjoy the rest of your night. It will be nice to see you again...

 

That was at 5:00...no response/answer since