Jump to content

Girl shows up in OLD between dates


While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Posted

I've gone out with this girl a couple of times and have been trying to setup another date but it's hard with her work and school schedule so we haven't been able to meet up again. She still seems interested. I was on OLD for a few months and didn't find anybody so I set my account to be hidden. In the meantime I met this girl. Now I see that she has shown up on OLD all of a sudden so I'm not sure what to do. It seems like a bad sign if she just signed up while we were between dates. Any thoughts? I feel kind of stuck because if I want to look for other girls she will see me turn OLD on and might think I'm done with her... Or maybe she needs to see that to see that I am also looking? Not sure!

Posted

She's looking, you're looking. So what? You're obviously not exclusive, and shouldn't be so soon, anyway. Unhide your profile and look - and date if you find someone else. She'll do the same, probably - apparently, already is. The two of you will work out, or not. Or for a while, or not.

  • Like 7
Posted

My suggestion would be to turn your profile on and let her see it. She'll presume you've seen hers as well. You said she seems interested. You don't get the feeling that she's putting you off or playing games?

 

Who knows what she's thinking exactly, but it seems apparent that she's pursuing other options. You should be as well I'd say. How she reacts when she knows that you know about each other's profiles will give you a clue.

 

I had a woman do this to me once. She was not online but I asked her out and then all of a sudden she is. With her it was optimizing - seeing if there was an obviously better option available to her. That's the kind of person she was.

  • Author
Posted
My suggestion would be to turn your profile on and let her see it. She'll presume you've seen hers as well. You said she seems interested. You don't get the feeling that she's putting you off or playing games?

 

Who knows what she's thinking exactly, but it seems apparent that she's pursuing other options. You should be as well I'd say. How she reacts when she knows that you know about each other's profiles will give you a clue.

 

I had a woman do this to me once. She was not online but I asked her out and then all of a sudden she is. With her it was optimizing - seeing if there was an obviously better option available to her. That's the kind of person she was.

 

Yeah I was thinking the same. I know if I turn mine back on I'll show up in her list just because we have so many things in common. I guess either she'll look at my profile and realize we are a good fit because she'll see a few things that she doesn't know about me yet, or maybe she'll just immediately hide me if she's already done lol. Guess either way nothing bad can come out of it versus the current situation.

  • Author
Posted

When I turn mine back on should I say anything to her? Either via OLD or text, etc.? She'll know that I saw hers if we are a good match on the site so wondering if I should give her a heads up.

Posted

You don't owe her an explanation. Besides the fact that you'll come across as needy.

  • Like 1
Posted
When I turn mine back on should I say anything to her? Either via OLD or text, etc.? She'll know that I saw hers if we are a good match on the site so wondering if I should give her a heads up.

 

Nah, no need to say anything. Visit her profile and she'll know that you know. You might want to wait and observe after that. If she's invested in what you've already started she'll probably react somehow. If she does not, and is spending a lot of time on the site then she's probably chasing unicorns.

 

You can check her activity by opening a profile and set it to hide visitors. That way you can see how much time she's online without showing up in her visitor list.

 

In all the successful dating situations that I've had we turned profiles off after several dates. Yours is moving in the opposite direction. I'd probably divest if I were you. Wait for her to indicate some interest in you. It's just a waste of time and energy to pursue debutants and princesses. My guess is that's what you've got here.

Posted

You are over-analyzing the situation. You went on two dates. That's not a commitment. Furthermore, she is still on the active market, which means she isn't really interested in making time to see you again. She's moving forward and living her life. No need to hide your profile and wait around like a stray dog waiting for table scraps or a pet on the head.

  • Like 5
  • Author
Posted

I get what you're saying. Really the only reason for me to turn the profile on would be so she sees it though since I can already see there's nobody else I'm interested in on OLD. You guys think it's worth a shot just to see how she reacts? Again I guess it can't make things any worse.

  • Author
Posted

the strange thing at least to me is this girl still texts be almost everyday without me ever initiating the text. It's like she wants to talk with me but isn't willing to find a time to actually see me again.

  • Like 1
Posted

So, did you activate your profile? I hope you did, but didn't say anything to her or even visit her profile. See if she says anything to you first.

  • Author
Posted
So, did you activate your profile? I hope you did, but didn't say anything to her or even visit her profile. See if she says anything to you first.

 

I haven't yet. She has been blowing my phone up with texts almost every day though. I'm just debating if turning my profile on will help me or hurt me with her specifically. Like I said before I can see there's nobody else on OLD in my area that I'm missing out on or anything, so turning it on would specifically be for this girl to see it. So the question I'm asking myself now is - is it possible that she has lost interest romantically but if she reads my profile and sees what I say will she suddenly realize that we're a really good match? As in maybe the way my profile is written she will learn some deeper insights about things that haven't actually just come up in conversation. That would be the good outcome. The bad outcome would be she sees it and thinks "oh he's out there looking for other girls when I'm right here waiting for him and talking to him all the time".

Posted
I haven't yet. She has been blowing my phone up with texts almost every day though.

 

So the question I'm asking myself now is - is it possible that she has lost interest romantically but if she reads my profile and sees what I say will she suddenly realize that we're a really good match?

 

If she's blowing your phone up everyday she hasn't lost interest. Why do you question that? Have you asked her out? Something isn't jibing and I'm not sure what piece of info we're missing.

  • Author
Posted
If she's blowing your phone up everyday she hasn't lost interest. Why do you question that? Have you asked her out? Something isn't jibing and I'm not sure what piece of info we're missing.

Well I have asked a few times but it keeps not working out for various reasons. I will keep trying but at this point it's been awhile since our last date and I'm not sure why we can't seem to get another one scheduled. She's not offering alternate dates/times when the originals don't work out.

Posted
I haven't yet. She has been blowing my phone up with texts almost every day though. I'm just debating if turning my profile on will help me or hurt me with her specifically. Like I said before I can see there's nobody else on OLD in my area that I'm missing out on or anything, so turning it on would specifically be for this girl to see it. So the question I'm asking myself now is - is it possible that she has lost interest romantically but if she reads my profile and sees what I say will she suddenly realize that we're a really good match? As in maybe the way my profile is written she will learn some deeper insights about things that haven't actually just come up in conversation. That would be the good outcome. The bad outcome would be she sees it and thinks "oh he's out there looking for other girls when I'm right here waiting for him and talking to him all the time".

 

so, she's blowing up your phone but doesn't want to take time to go out with you, is that it?

 

Stop being wishy washy. Plan a date and tell her you want to take her out. Tell her the date and the time and what it is. If she balks, then tell her you're not interested in a protracted texting adventure and wish her well and dive back into OLD and find someone who isn't into wasting people's time.

  • Like 1
Posted (edited)

Ask her out one more time with a specif date and time and if she says she can't, ask to see if she has an alternative one. If not, then just politely end the call (not giving signs you are upset, but maybe disappointed) and activate your profile. You never know, there may be someone new out there at any time or someone you have missed that might be a good fit. Give it a shot. You at this point would have nothing at all to lose.

 

Also, if you do activate it, don't give her a heads up and don't go changing it up in hopes that she will see it. Keep it as you originally had it before you met her. If she sees and contacts you back later, then you can see what she has to say. You're looking for someone to date, not be pen pals with.

Edited by dumbass2
  • Author
Posted
Ask her out one more time with a specif date and time and if she says she can't, ask to see if she has an alternative one. If not, then just politely end the call (not giving signs you are upset, but maybe disappointed) and activate your profile. You never know, there may be someone new out there at any time or someone you have missed that might be a good fit. Give it a shot. You at this point would have nothing at all to lose.

 

Also, if you do activate it, don't give her a heads up and don't go changing it up in hopes that she will see it. Keep it as you originally had it before you met her. If she sees and contacts you back later, then you can see what she has to say. You're looking for someone to date, not be pen pals with.

 

I noticed you mentioned politely end the call. Maybe that's my issue as this has all been through text. Although she generally accepts at first and then texts me later realizing she can't make a certain time, etc. I haven't been wanting to come across as super needy so I haven't been immediately suggesting alternate times.

Posted

Okay I'm going to throw in my two cents, and be blunt about it. Not trying to discourage you either because the same thing just happened to me. When I analyzed my situation this is what I came up with...

 

1. When you finally click with the right person, there's no need to persue other people especially on a dating site. If I personally feel a strong connection, my desire to meet someone else quickly deminishes..id rather put my effort into getting to know that person-even if it's only two dates in. Why doesn't she feel that way?

 

2. Okay maybe she does like you, but her interest level isn't rock solid, so she's on looking for other options which is obvious. Nothing wrong with that, it is what it is, but personally, when that happens to me id rather move on and find someone that shares that mutual connection..no time for heartache after a few dates.

 

3. Whatever you do, do not bring it up with her (that you saw her on that site looking still). It will not help your cause and you will be thrown to the curb immediately.

 

What I would do, re-evaluate. Is she really worth it? I've been on these dating sites for years and this is always the biggest issue. Usually I go on a few dates with a girl but she always uses the "busy" excuse stating work/school is taking her time up, but it's obvious she's just setting up dates. You get to the point with a lot of girls where you feel just like an option in the beginning. Online dating is no joke, it's tough-def harder to impress when there are so many options at your fingertips...that's why when a girl finally notices me and puts time aside for me, and stops making me feel like an option-or I know she's serious about getting to know me, I'm all in...if not I'm all out. Just my thoughts.

 

Good luck. I'd consider other options.

  • Like 1
  • Author
Posted
Okay I'm going to throw in my two cents, and be blunt about it. Not trying to discourage you either because the same thing just happened to me. When I analyzed my situation this is what I came up with...

 

1. When you finally click with the right person, there's no need to persue other people especially on a dating site. If I personally feel a strong connection, my desire to meet someone else quickly deminishes..id rather put my effort into getting to know that person-even if it's only two dates in. Why doesn't she feel that way?

 

2. Okay maybe she does like you, but her interest level isn't rock solid, so she's on looking for other options which is obvious. Nothing wrong with that, it is what it is, but personally, when that happens to me id rather move on and find someone that shares that mutual connection..no time for heartache after a few dates.

 

3. Whatever you do, do not bring it up with her (that you saw her on that site looking still). It will not help your cause and you will be thrown to the curb immediately.

 

What I would do, re-evaluate. Is she really worth it? I've been on these dating sites for years and this is always the biggest issue. Usually I go on a few dates with a girl but she always uses the "busy" excuse stating work/school is taking her time up, but it's obvious she's just setting up dates. You get to the point with a lot of girls where you feel just like an option in the beginning. Online dating is no joke, it's tough-def harder to impress when there are so many options at your fingertips...that's why when a girl finally notices me and puts time aside for me, and stops making me feel like an option-or I know she's serious about getting to know me, I'm all in...if not I'm all out. Just my thoughts.

 

Good luck. I'd consider other options.

 

 

Thanks for the tips. I definitely know not to mention it to her directly. I'd rather not even mess with it at all because we are a really good fit for each other and I don't think either of us need OLD to tell us that. The only thing I can come up with at this point is that we haven't really crossed the whole touch barrier much yet and I'm wondering if she's the type where two dates may be her limit so she's kind of written me off at this point even though we have a great time when we're together. I guess I'll try the previous suggestion of going for another date and if she's obviously not into it I'll reluctantly go back on OLD and at that point just see where the chips fall.

Posted
Okay I'm going to throw in my two cents, and be blunt about it. Not trying to discourage you either because the same thing just happened to me. When I analyzed my situation this is what I came up with...

 

1. When you finally click with the right person, there's no need to persue other people especially on a dating site. If I personally feel a strong connection, my desire to meet someone else quickly deminishes..id rather put my effort into getting to know that person-even if it's only two dates in. Why doesn't she feel that way?

 

2. Okay maybe she does like you, but her interest level isn't rock solid, so she's on looking for other options which is obvious. Nothing wrong with that, it is what it is, but personally, when that happens to me id rather move on and find someone that shares that mutual connection..no time for heartache after a few dates.

 

3. Whatever you do, do not bring it up with her (that you saw her on that site looking still). It will not help your cause and you will be thrown to the curb immediately.

 

What I would do, re-evaluate. Is she really worth it? I've been on these dating sites for years and this is always the biggest issue. Usually I go on a few dates with a girl but she always uses the "busy" excuse stating work/school is taking her time up, but it's obvious she's just setting up dates. You get to the point with a lot of girls where you feel just like an option in the beginning. Online dating is no joke, it's tough-def harder to impress when there are so many options at your fingertips...that's why when a girl finally notices me and puts time aside for me, and stops making me feel like an option-or I know she's serious about getting to know me, I'm all in...if not I'm all out. Just my thoughts.

 

Good luck. I'd consider other options.

 

This is spot-on. While I’ve not experienced a lot of this, it’s happened to me recently. I hope I’m not hijacking this thread by asking this question, but I'm curious to know what the best course of action is when you’re in IslandDude’s situation or when you realize that someone is clearly still looking/pursuing others in the early stages of dating? I agree with what you’ve written here. When someone shows you quite quickly that you’re an option and they’re still shopping around, it’s probably time consider other options. In IslandDude’s situation, the girl is still initiating communication, which shows some level of interest. However, she’s still on OLD and actively looking for others to date. So, does IslandDude just flat-out tell her that he's detecting a lack of interest on her end (which is fine), but he'd rather move on to someone who's less likely to multi-date ? Does he slowly back off/fade and not respond to her messages as much? Or does he just ignore her completely?

Posted
Thanks for the tips. I definitely know not to mention it to her directly. I'd rather not even mess with it at all because we are a really good fit for each other and I don't think either of us need OLD to tell us that. The only thing I can come up with at this point is that we haven't really crossed the whole touch barrier much yet and I'm wondering if she's the type where two dates may be her limit so she's kind of written me off at this point even though we have a great time when we're together. I guess I'll try the previous suggestion of going for another date and if she's obviously not into it I'll reluctantly go back on OLD and at that point just see where the chips fall.

 

Does this mean no flirty touching, no holding her hand, no kiss?

 

Once you try for the kiss at the right moment (flirting before hand and you kind of just sense it), then things will either go south because she isn't feeling it or she'll be thinking of getting off OLD pretty quick. She might not be feeling the romance with you two dates in and that is an important factor with a woman. I am usually moving in for the kiss by the second date and if I'm not feeling it with her, then there probably is no 3rd date. You need to take charge in this area.

  • Author
Posted
Does this mean no flirty touching, no holding her hand, no kiss?

 

Once you try for the kiss at the right moment (flirting before hand and you kind of just sense it), then things will either go south because she isn't feeling it or she'll be thinking of getting off OLD pretty quick. She might not be feeling the romance with you two dates in and that is an important factor with a woman. I am usually moving in for the kiss by the second date and if I'm not feeling it with her, then there probably is no 3rd date. You need to take charge in this area.

 

Correct. There has been just some very light brushes, sharing dessert, etc but no holding hands and no kiss. I really didn't want to do an awkward goodbye kiss just to get it in and make her feel like I was rushing things and didn't feel the moment was right at other times so I'm hoping I can make that work if we go out again. I guess at this point I'm just hoping she doesn't have some kind of two date no kiss rule!

Posted

I don't intend for you to feel pressured and do what feels right for you, but by the 3rd date you should be going for at least the holding of her hand and try being a little flirty. When I went on the 2nd date with my now ex, we were walking from dinner to the movies (kinda flirty and touchy at dinner) and I just kinda pulled her to the side and said "I need to do this" and gave her about a 20 second kiss. Then she came back at me and well, we didn't end up making to the movies.

Posted

Lovelorn00,

 

I think in his situation, he needs to come off cool, don't question and go with the flow-but to realize she isn't serious and to persue other options. Asking her shows weakness and insecurities even if it's just a quick remark. What he needs to do is come across as an alpha male that has many options and can't be phased if she's into him or not because clearly right now she isn't taking him 100% serious. If he pursues others or backs off a little, maybe, just maybe, she will wonder why? She will wonder if she's making a mistake by not persuing him, and if she has any interest she will not want to see him with another women.

 

If it were me, I'd simply back off, not to play games, but to spend the time trying to meet someone worthwhile that values me, and if she comes running back and showing more interest then so be it-it worked if not then her loss and I will have not wasted my time.

 

In all seriousness though, if she hasn't made further moves by now (judging that this thread is a few days old) she's prob history....

 

Exact same thing happened to me recently and my own advice didn't work lol...so take it with a grain of salt haha

  • Author
Posted

Thanks again for all the advice. As an update I did end up asking her out again for this weekend but she had legitimate family related items already scheduled. She is out of town this week and getting back on Monday so she said depending on when she gets back she might be able to do something Monday evening. She does continue to randomly text me. Not a lot but at least a few things. So not sure where to take it from here. I guess just play it cool and not really initiate any texts or anything and just wait and see what happens on Monday? Not sure if I should even remind her about Monday as it gets closer or just see if she remembers and initiates the reminder with me?

×
×
  • Create New...