Boyfriend is "concerned for his ex

[Kelly M]

Hello all. I am concerned myself. My boyfriend of 2 years, has an ex who almost got him in jail, she got a 3 year pfa on him, that 3 year mark will be September of this year. In the beginning of our relationship my boyfriend talked about how much he hated her, and was mad because she's screwing him over because he wanted to leave her, and she didn't want to leave him. I told him to stop talking about her even if it's in anger, because I am his girlfriend now, and I should be his world, so he stopped, but he would talk about her in a hatred voice here and there.

 

A mutual friend of ours messaged me, she use to be friends with his ex, but the girl is mental, and has issues, so our friend Rhiannon, isn't friends with her anymore. Rhiannon sent me a screenshot of Chrissy talking to her about her pregnancy and that she wishes her well. Quite honestly, I don't get the point of Rhiannon sending me that screenshot because I asked if they are going to reconcile the friendship, and she said "No". However, I told my boyfriend about it. I said "I'm a bit worried Daniel. Chrissy contacted Rhiannon, after brutal fights they've been in and wished her well, and messaged her first. I am afraid when this PFA is up in September that she'll contact you, and you two will reconcile." He responded "No, F no. She almost put me in jail, she is crazy. She's a druggie, No f'n way!"

 

So then later in the day Rhiannon sent me screenshots of what my boyfriend was messaging her. He messaged Rhiannon saying this

 

Him: Sorry that Chrissy contacted you. I hope she's doing better than before.

Rhiannon: What? She's a piece of crap. F her. You shouldn't even think of her.

Him: I don't know. I guess I forgive her. I just hope she gets on track.

Rhiannon: Why would you? I just don't understand this?

Him: I'm not heartless. I'd never take her back though.

Rhiannon: Ummm???

Him: I have time, emotion, and money invested in her. Just a shame she had to F me over, but I'm over it.

Rhiannon: What the heck Daniel? I am not understanding this at all.

Him: I never meant to hurt her , I'd never do it again. I just want peace. Getting too old for this crap.

 

It had me livid! His argument was that he doesn't want her back, he doesn't want her as a girlfriend, he is concerned for her though because she's going down a bad path. I said "Well that's her life, and she shouldn't matter. I should be your top priority, the girl you talk about, not Chrissy, and you're being slick. You know Rhiannon is the queen of screenshots, so she"ll screenshot what you'll say about her and send it to her. Because she has a pfa on you, so you can't really do much." He said "If I wanted to get back with her, wouldn't I say I wish we got back together? I clearly said "I'd never take her back though." I am just concerned because she's off the beaten path. Chrissy wasn't like when I dated her." I said "But she shouldn't even be a concern. it's her life." He said "I am not heartless Kelly, I am concerned for her, but I don't love her, and I would never ever take her back. If I didn't love you, I wouldn't be here." I said "I feel like I am just a void, and I am just being used till your pfa is up in september and you both can reconcile." He said "I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you. I am just concerned for Chrissy's well being. I don't want to talk to her after the pfa is up. Everyone is taking it out of context." He also said "The main reason why Chrissy acted like a weirdo and a psycho is because I wanted to leave her in the first place, so why would I go back to someone that I didn't want in the first place?"

 

So what do you think? I feel really hurt, and sad. I feel like I am just being used, but he claims that if he wanted to get back with he wouldn't say "I'd never take her back though." But he didn't have to message Rhiannon about it because the conversation between me and Rhiannon had nothing to do with him. Tell me what you would do, and if he is just concerned? Or if this is almost like fishing, to let Chrissy know he wants her back, even though he claims he doesn't? Thanks

Edited April 10, 2016 by Kelly M

[d0nnivain]

What's a pfa? Is that like some kind of restraining order?

 

 

For now, I wouldn't get too upset. If Daniel is true to his word that he simply doesn't hate his EX & hopes she gets her life on track, that makes him a genuinely nice guy. It might make him a bit of a sucker but it doesn't automatically mean he's going to dump you & go running back to her. If he does though, then you know he's nuts & you are better off with him out of your life.

 

 

For now, remain calm & see how this plays out. Do not yell, scream & accuse him. Just be a sweet loving GF

[Iceshowers]

Some people that have been in a long term relationship might not love that person as they did after a break-up, BUT something emotionally could/will always remain. For example, I HATED my ex when we were together. I contemplating always leaving, hated his guts and spoke to him horribly while we were in the pre-break up stage. Once I moved out and got my own space and settled my mind and heart (again, I already fell out of love long ago), I still have this uneasy caring feeling for him. I've known this guy for 6 years and we have a child together, and I care for him. I care that he's hurt. I care that he's sad. I care. I will never ever take this dude back nor ever could love him like I did in the beginning, but I genuinely care for him.

 

Maybe like the previous poster said, he's a nice guy and he cares. I can say that even if I care for this one ex, I honestly don't love him. But I also don't talk to friends or my new boyfriend about how much I care about my ex or how concerned I am for him.. that's not something worth discussing and ruining relationships over.

[TaraMaiden2]

What's a pfa? Is that like some kind of restraining order?

 

Protection from Abuse order.

[Kelly M]

I like the different perspectives you all gave me, thank you. See, she's crazy and she put him through a lot with the legal system. I am the type of person that wouldn't care for the person's well being if I found an exceptionally awesome partner that I could spend the rest of my life with. The ex wouldn't be a thought in my mind because of what he did to me. I would shift my focus on my current boyfriend who is way better than him. I cook for him, clean, buy him stuff all the time, let him use my car because he has to save up to get his own. I treat him with respect and try to solve and fix his problems.

 

All I do is show care and love and do everything a girlfriend should do. I have been there for him when everybody else scattered. So, I do feel it's a harsh blow to me when he says he cares about his ex when she didn't even do half the things I did for him. He should be looking at me like i'm his queen, and I am a really good girlfriend. His sister doesn't like anyone, and never liked any of his girlfriends, and she even told him herself right in front of me, and I heard her on the phone "You would be the dumbest person in the world to ever disrespect Kelly or dump her." That speaks volumes because she never liked any of his girlfriends. So, I feel like I am being used till this PFA (restraining order) is up and then he'll ditch me. I am saddened that he doesn't show the appreciation to me, but yet shows concern to his ex who was so horrible to him. I wouldn't forgive someone that was trying to ruin my life. She got his a misdemeanor so she got his a criminal record and it's hard for him to find jobs with that, so she ruined his career life, his sanity and everything because she couldn't handle the fact that he didn't want her anymore. If someone did that to me, I wouldn't care if they fell off a bridge especially if they messed with my career. I wouldn't care or forgive someone who lied about me just to try and get me in jail, and is on drugs and what not. He said she wasn't like that when they dated and she started to become a different person when he kept trying to break up with her and she wouldn't leave. So I just feel dissappointed because I feel like I fall by the waist side, like I am nothing and his ex Chrissy is something. Everyone including his friends said "You would be stupid to throw Kelly away." so I don't get why he doesn't flaunt me, or treat me with the respect I need and instead talks about his psycho ex? It just makes me angry, but everyone has a point. Just putting in my extra thoughts. Thank you.

[kendahke]

I'm really not seeing anything that Daniel did wrong.

 

Wishing a crazy ex well has nothing to do with you being or not being a priority in his life.

 

Some people can not want to be with someone while at the same time not keep stirring the stupidity pot by being evil and hateful towards them. That's too much dang drama.