9YearsTogether Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Hi everyone. As my username suggests I (31f) and my partner(?) 38m have been together 9years. We have a daughter and a shared mortgage together. He was my first in regards to all things relationship related (including sex) which makes this decision to breakup even more difficult as he is all I had known for years. Our relationship has been on the rocks for a few years and I do admit my part in this deterioration also. An event happened last week which you could say was the "straw that broke the camels back". As we sleep in separate rooms (me with my daughter and he in the main room) I asked that he set his alarm early. In the past when Ive had to get up early he has come into the room to stay with our daughter while i get ready and leave. He agreed to set the alarm although a couple hours later he wakes me up and asks me to set my own. I said sure and thought that was the end of it. When I returned from my morning errand the next day he cornered me and the basic theme of his berating (which is a common one)was: 1)I have no respect for him as shown in the fact that I believe my sleep is more important than his. Also that he had insomnia and I should have been more considerate of his need for that extra 1hour uninterrupted sleep. 2)I am inconsiderate/selfish to have asked him to set the alarm early on a work day 3)I want control over this relationship and what he does. Therefore instead of setting it myself I wanted him to do it just because.. 4)I am manipulative in using our daughter as an excuse. I have to say that I found it rather bizare. This kind of occurrence isnt unusual in our interactions together and although its something I've brought up various times over the years, he has never seen fault in the way that he treats me in these moments. His apology later that day and the following day basically went like this "Sorry I shouldnt have gone off at you.. but .." and he confirmed all those above bullet points. Now obviously being with someone exclusively for this long does give them an insight into your own personality/ character that other people might not see (and I'm not saying that I'm this great partner).. but this constant negative characterisation of me (which I find really unfair especially in situations like this) has just finally done it for me. Generally our life is ok. But resentment has built up in me which has made me behave more distant and short. I avoid intimacy and general affection when I can. As a result he's accused me of ruining this relationship while never acknowledging how his behaviour has affected me in return. I want to note that he is great father and generally a good person. He tells me he loves me constantly yet for me the good times are always overshadowed by the unresolved bad.I also know that I've lost interest in him now in terms of physical and emotional attraction. Which leads me to my infidelity. For 8 years I didnt so much as hold hands with another guy. But last year I started an affair which is still ongoing (not an emotionally invested affair at all) I dont know that I need advice. I know we need to break up as being a cheating partner is never something I wanted to be and continuing this relationship knowing that I can never give it my all would be unfair to both of us. My situation now is that its been 1 week since I've told him we're breaking up. He responded by telling me that Im weak for wanting this. I told him that it would be weak to stay in this relationship and to let it continue. I know this is lifechanging not just for me but for our daughter. I just need reassurance maybe that I'm doing the right thing to walk away. 9 years and a daughter together isnt a small thing. He now apparently has seen the error of his ways and is willing to make dramatic changes to save this relationship. I feel its too late. He wants me to give him 2 weeks to at least try. He wants to know that he's done everything he could have to save us. I've told him that I care too much for him to lead him on. That its over for me. He wants me to still give him this time. So I am.. just so he can get some kind of closure. I'm just really hoping that in the meantime I dont break my resolve and decide that it is just easier to stay. Thanks guys for reading. Ill see how the next couple weeks go.
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Stop seeing your affair partner. I say this not only for the obvious reasons, but you need to make sure you are making this decision to leave not based on the fact that there is someone else. In other words, if you had never met the Other Man, would you still want to leave? You need to very carefully consider how much that is influencing you because there is no guarantee this guy will stick around. Does your partner suspect you are cheating? Don't stay just so he can "get closure." That's not fair because that's not what he thinks is happening. He believes you are trying to work on the relationship. If you are not, be honest and tell him so. He has a right to know what you've been doing and that he's fighting a losing battle, if that's the case. 1
Author 9YearsTogether Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I'm confident it has nothing to do with the other man (which my partner doesn't know about or suspect). Our issues span years and has had me at breaking point several times. The buildup of resentment and general decline of affection has just led me to believe we are no longer good for each other. We don't share any interests or socialise together. Our only mutual interest is our daughter. This of course is both our fault. Regarding the way he reacts (such as in our last argument) he has suddenly had this miraculous insight into his behaviour and is workin g hard to change. I both appreciate him for this and resent him. Where was this insight several years ago? This isn't actually anything new I've said..only now he knows he has something to lose. It's just all a bit late now. I am under no illusion about the other man. I don't want a relationship and have no emotional feelings for him - other than we get along. He is married with a family too and i know that this should stop but i find the thought a bit difficult. i feel I don't have the capability to completely give myself to any relationship anymore. And you're right..this closure thing is wrong. And although he's aware I'm determined to see this breakup through..he keeps saying that if this is our last time together then he'll have no regrets and I feel like I owe him this. .
ExpatInItaly Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 Why do you feel like you owe him? You said this dynamic has been going on for years. You don't owe him, unless its' your guilt speaking. Tell him today it's over. Don't let him waste more time or emotional energy when you're not interested. It's just not right. Also, you need to ask yourself why giving up sex with the other man is a difficult thought. I suspect you are emotionally attached to him in some way. But that needs to stop too. You're setting yourself up for a lot of pain if you continue with him.
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