Jump to content

Exists or not: Married men who cheat while in a happy marriage?

Winterina

By Winterina
in General Relationship Discussion

 Share
While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

Recommended Posts

Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
You've arrived at your answer. It's all that hard work, the illicit nature of the adultery, the cunning plans, the risk of being caught.

 

I wouldn't be so quick to discount sociopathic tendencies if I were you. I mean, if one is super-entitled, feels no guilt, and seeks his thrills through risk-taking behavior, what else could you call it? I mean seriously, what's the difference between this guy's motivating factors and say, that of a serial killer except scale? We wouldn't hesitate for a minute to refer to serial killer as a sociopath, but we pull our punch at habitual philandering even though the motivations are much the same.

 

Stay away from this guy. Whatever you want to call him... he's bad news. ;)

 

Exactly ^^,

 

I mean, no one can tell you what to do, but the people I keep company with say something about me. This guy would not be on my list of contacts, he would not be welcome in my home, and I definitely would not be catching a movie, coffee, breath of air with people like him.

loveisanaction Established Member

loveisanaction

Posted
Posted

I don't think we'll ever know why people cheat. This is probably the reason why there are so many forums, posts, topics about it.

 

I never wanted to believe that cheating isn't black or white but after researching about it all over the internet, i've come to (grudgingly) accept that there are so many reasons why people cheat.

 

Gone are the days where people cheat because they’re in an unhappy marriage/relationship. Happily married people cheat just as much as unhappily married people. Now-a-days, it’s not about who is cheating, it’s who isn’t; the percentage of people who are not cheating is very small.

 

It is not uncommon to see people cheating anymore, even with women. The amount of women cheating on their husbands/boyfriends is astounding.

 

Everybody feels entitled to do it…and so it will continue…

 

I still believe that there are still faithfully married couples out there though.

  • Like 2
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
I don't think we'll ever know why people cheat. This is probably the reason why there are so many forums, posts, topics about it.

 

I never wanted to believe that cheating isn't black or white but after researching about it all over the internet, i've come to (grudgingly) accept that there are so many reasons why people cheat.

 

Gone are the days where people cheat because they’re in an unhappy marriage/relationship. Happily married people cheat just as much as unhappily married people. Now-a-days, it’s not about who is cheating, it’s who isn’t; the percentage of people who are not cheating is very small.

 

It is not uncommon to see people cheating anymore, even with women. The amount of women cheating on their husbands/boyfriends is astounding.

 

Everybody feels entitled to do it…and so it will continue…

 

I still believe that there are still faithfully married couples out there though.

 

I agree with you except for the bold ^^

 

It's not a mystery. If we walk around thinking people are just gonna cheat and there's no reason or rhyme to it - then that means were condoning the behavior.

 

I believe you said it above ^^ - which is "Everybody feels entitled to it". So, there you go.

 

Yes, some people change in marriage - but for the most part, people don't take the time to really get to know their spouse, jump into marriage and when it sucks they think they get a "Hallway Pass" to cheat. No you don't. You picked your SO and made kids with them. Sleep in the horrible bed you made for yourself or divorce....but IMO, you have no right to break up your kids' family cuz you were careless about making a baby with someone you barely knew and/or were lukewarm about.

 

Then, you got guys like the OP. He could have been married to the most perfect woman in ten worlds, but it doesn't matter to him, he likes "women".

  • Like 1
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
But it IS affecting her personally, she wants to know if is is even worth her while getting married, if guys in general think like this guy does.

Textbook "good" marriage but he has been sneaking around for years behind her back.

 

I believe that cheating is down to the person involved.

Some in awful marriages for 50 years, never cheat, others where the wife looks like a top model, who is open to anything sexually, who is a wonderful woman, cheat all the time.

Mr INeedVariety will never be happy with one woman, all the "good" marriages in the world will never make him faithful.

He is of course not all that easy to spot, the guy who will jump on anything that moves is obviously one but the average Joe with only a few conquests under his belt may be one as well only he never got the opportunity. Give him a flash car, a good job and something to attract "the ladies", or just some confidence as he ages, then he may be MrINeedVariety in disguise...

 

My bad,....Didnt read the entire post,,

 

But still, she can dump him as a "friend", no?

 

And either you get in the game or you don't(marriage)...there are so many variables and unknowns..To sit around and wonder if you are going to get Mr Perfect nice guy that helps little old ladies cross the street and worships you above all and never looks at another woman is silly...No one knows...Same for guys...

 

Heck...a serial cheater could find "the one" that finally clicks off all boxes and he hangs it up....You dont know...so why worry about it? Do your best to make the decision, or spend your life worrying and insecure...Its your choice..

 

TFY

  • Like 1
  • Author
Winterina Established Member

Winterina

Posted
  • Author
Posted

Turned out to be even more interesting topic than I initially thought it would be.

 

I do not want to dump him as a friend mostly because I do not know what has happened in his life and what is taking place behind closed doors.

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted
Maybe she's cheating as well.....

 

I don't know why people care about what others do in these areas... ...You see these posts all the time...I don't get it....Its frankly none of anyone's business, unless its affecting them personally...

 

Id say to the OP if he doesnt like the friends behavior then drop him as a friend...Otherwise, who cares??

 

TFY

 

The OP is a woman who's being hit on by the married man, as well as being used as his "emotional tampon" (I learned that nice term right here!! :D) by that man, with him telling her all about his indiscretions.

 

I can see why that might disillusion her about marriage.

 

I agree with you that she needs to stop hanging around with him and being available to hear about all that. I think it's inappropriate for a single woman to hang around with a married man who's hitting on her, and also it's obviously making her feel bad.

  • Like 3
preraph Established Member

preraph

Posted
Posted

Guys who like to have more than one woman are perfectly happy being married as long as they still get to have more than one woman. It's that simple. Their ideal isn't one woman, it's as many as they can manage without too much drama.

  • Like 3
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted
Turned out to be even more interesting topic than I initially thought it would be.

 

I do not want to dump him as a friend mostly because I do not know what has happened in his life and what is taking place behind closed doors.

 

Ridiculous...

 

Here is a little tip....

 

Most heterosexual guys wont bother "making friends" with a woman unless they have a shot at banging them....You will hear women dispute what I am saying, but then they are likely as disillusioned as you are...

 

And my point is made in the case of this guy...

 

Why do you need to be friends with him?.....Hmm...Something telling me you are getting off on this...

 

TFY

  • Like 6
thefooloftheyear Established Member

thefooloftheyear

Posted
Posted (edited)
The OP is a woman who's being hit on by the married man, as well as being used as his "emotional tampon" (I learned that nice term right here!! :D) by that man, with him telling her all about his indiscretions.

 

I can see why that might disillusion her about marriage.

I agree with you that she needs to stop hanging around with him and being available to hear about all that. I think it's inappropriate for a single woman to hang around with a married man who's hitting on her, and also it's obviously making her feel bad.

 

Bolded...

 

He is just one idiot...Why should he change the course of her life's decisions based on what he says or does..Would you refuse to the gym because someone told you that they twisted their ankle on one of the machines .??

 

TFY

Edited by thefooloftheyear
  • Like 2
Gloria25 Established Member

Gloria25

Posted
Posted
Guys who like to have more than one woman are perfectly happy being married as long as they still get to have more than one woman. It's that simple. Their ideal isn't one woman, it's as many as they can manage without too much drama.

 

Same goes for "poly" and/or "swingers" - of course they're gonna say 'Our relationship/marriage is stronger' - yea, of course it's "stronger", cuz you got "homebase" and get to "play the field"...who wouldn't stay married to someone who let them play and come back to them whenever they felt like it? :rolleyes:

  • Like 1
Woggle Established Member

Woggle

Posted
Posted

I am in a happy marriage and I would never even think of cheating.

  • Like 1
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted

What about women cheating in a happy marriage?

  • Like 1
joystickd Established Member

joystickd

Posted
Posted
Ridiculous...

 

Here is a little tip....

 

Most heterosexual guys wont bother "making friends" with a woman unless they have a shot at banging them....You will hear women dispute what I am saying, but then they are likely as disillusioned as you are...

 

And my point is made in the case of this guy...

 

Why do you need to be friends with him?.....Hmm...Something telling me you are getting off on this...

 

TFY

 

100% true. She likes the attention. Women don't talk about it but they get a thrill out of taken men. Well some do. The focus tends to be on cheating men because they get caughtore due to OWs not following orders.

  • Like 1
OneLov Established Member

OneLov

Posted
Posted
I really NEED to believe that marriages like that cannot possibly be happy because how can I go on knowing that everything can be perfect and your husband will still have affair after affair, both physical and emotional...

 

Opinions? Can it really be so? If this is a happy marriage, I never want to be married... luckily I know not all people are like him. And that is what he tells me too, which is kind of him and which I appreciated.

 

Can there be really nice guys out there who have it all, but who just cannot keep their hands off other women? .

 

 

OP,

 

I'm confused as to how this causes you so much angst? You state you're aware most people are NOT like him (low risk), but if there are men like him, you don't want to marry anyone because there's a very low risk you may be marrying a "player?"

 

Hmmm, without convincing you with statistically that you are likely not to share this fate, what can I (or anyone) do? Sometimes you must take a risk if you want the reward. I'm sorry but that's all I can offer.

 

But I must confess your question really seems to be:

 

I really NEED to believe that marriages like that cannot possibly be happy because how can I go on having an emotional affair with this guy if he's really just a lemon-scented scum bag that will string me along and discard me like a piece or trash when his wife discovers the affair?

 

To that, I 100% agree; a distorted reality is now a necessity to "be." Isn't it so disappointing? I thought so, at least. Please get out while you still can. I wish you the best.

  • Like 1
Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted
Bolded...

 

He is just one idiot...Why should he change the course of her life's decisions based on what he says or does..Would you refuse to the gym because someone told you that they twisted their ankle on one of the machines .??

 

TFY

I don't think it should, either. Evidently it has though.

 

OP probably has some underlying issues or else she would not be wasting any time at all on this loser.

 

OP he is not your "friend."

  • Like 2
Dreamworld Established Member

Dreamworld

Posted
Posted

Yes they exist. Your man sounds like my ex husband, down to the social functions. I was the young trophy wife. But he loved me. He also loved many women. He was a sociopathic sex addict. He had affairs with any woman who was willing. His nurses. His coworkers. Escorts. His patients. Many of these women also were his "friends" who were shoulders to lean on into the wee hours of the night. So please understand if I question the motivations of single women who think it is ok to spend time with a married man during hours he should be at home with his family.

 

To these people their happy marriages and affairs are two distinct compartments in the brain.

 

So please dont assume there is no intimacy or love. Sometimes these types are even better at it. We were intimate every day.

 

I found out about this all because at some point a couple of month ago he made a move on me and tried to kiss me, which I refused.

 

-->Again, this is not a "friendship" that should be continued if you really do feel sorry for his wife.

 

Apparently, whatever it is that they have, they do not have very intimate relationship and close friendship.

 

--> not always true

 

One thing that I noticed is that of all the times that he has been away from home for most of the day till, say 3 or 4 a.m., his wife never texted him or called him to ask where the hell he is... That's always been strange. I also started feeling guilty for spending time with him at all.

 

--> maybe because she already knows. Maybe she has already experienced the unanswered phone calls, messages, the gnawing at the gut as she waits up all night after finally putting her baby to bed, the lame excuses he gives later. To later find out he was with another female "friend" but due to many complicated reasons she has to stay in the marriage so the only thing to do to remain sane is to give up. I hope you never have to experience this. But if you do it won't be so "strange."

 

I understand that people do not want to say about all the dirt that goes on behind the closed door, but I find it hard to believe that everything is just great in his marriage and I think he is full of it. He says he "just likes women too much" and that he just has a character flaw.

--> could be as simple as that.

 

I really NEED to believe that marriages like that cannot possibly be happy because how can I go on knowing that everything can be perfect and your husband will still have affair after affair, both physical and emotional...

 

--> because they can. I stopped asking why a long time ago.

 

 

 

Can there be really nice guys out there who have it all, but who just cannot keep their hands off other women?

 

--> yup.

 

I understand your fears but I am finding it hard to be sympathetic to why you keep spending time with this guy.

Thank you for reading.

  • Like 1
Liam1 Established Member

Liam1

Posted
Posted
So you expect people to accept you for who you are, but men who are who they are jerks and garbage? Have you ever considered letting men be men and trying to accept us for who we are? It appears that some men have a genetic drive to constantly seek new sexual companions. It is probably a spin off of the Coolidge Effect, which is present in ALL male mammals.

 

I'm not saying it's okay to cheat. But I don't think it is all a matter of character any more than is smoking, or drinking booze, or gambling, or homosexuality, fetishes, religious zealotry, or authoritarian, militaristic tendencies. Maybe some men [and women] just aren't cut out for monogamy.

 

Good point. Over the years I was continually hit on by women at business meetings, at the gym and at work. I turned them down for years, even though my wife was no longer remotely interested in sex.

 

Finally, one day It took the bait.

 

Maybe as Chris Rock put it people "are only as faithful as their options.

 

People who claim they would never cheat, likely have no deficits in their marriage and probably are not in situations where they get hit on frequently.

Liam1 Established Member

Liam1

Posted
Posted
I'm aware but at the same time I am neither trying to find a solution to someone else's issues, nor I feel that I contribute in any significant way to the problem which is a waaaay bigger and lasts longer than I could possibly ever make it just by having him as a friend. In fact, you could also look at it from opposing point of view and say that if he weren't watching a movie with me, he might be somewhere having an affair.

 

What I am trying to do is understand the psychology of a guy like that.

 

Wintereina:

 

If you are with him emotionally connecting until 4 a.m., you ARE having an affair.

 

It's called an emotional affair.

Rejected Rosebud Established Member

Rejected Rosebud

Posted
Posted

People who claim they would never cheat, likely have no deficits in their marriage and probably are not in situations where they get hit on frequently.

People who actually would never cheat are people of stronger character than those who do. Regardless of their options or marriage.

 

It takes strength of character to resist temptation, and to deal with issues in a marriage in an honest way.

 

Many many people who have cheated (including me) are able to recognize their own character weakness when looking back on the situation.

  • Like 3
GorillaTheater Established Member

GorillaTheater

Posted
Posted
People who actually would never cheat are people of stronger character than those who do. Regardless of their options or marriage.

 

It takes strength of character to resist temptation, and to deal with issues in a marriage in an honest way.

 

Many many people who have cheated (including me) are able to recognize their own character weakness when looking back on the situation.

 

 

Exactly. I impose some significant boundaries on myself because I do not wholly trust myself to always do the right thing.

  • Like 2
OneLov Established Member

OneLov

Posted
Posted

OP,

 

I like Ruth Wilson's response to the question of whether or not playing a WW/MW in the "The Affair" has jaded her personal beliefs (she's single) regarding the institution of marriage.

 

wmacbride Established Member

wmacbride

Posted
Posted

There are men and women who will cheat even though they are happy in their marriage, by this, I mean it is s happy as it can possibly be, but it still won't be enough for them.

 

Some people are like bottomless pits, and they will never have enough and always want more. Some are adrenaline junkies, some are wounded form their childhood, some are just not cut out for monogamy, some feel entitled to do as they please no matter who it hurts, and others, I think they just cheat because they can.

 

None of this would necessarily be a bad thing, so long as they were being honest about it, but that dishonesty is often part of the thrill to some of them. For others, I think it's just laziness. It's easier to maintain the status quo than to be honest.

 

Funny thing how the ws who act like that and have no problem cheating are often the ones who throw the biggest hissy fit if their spouse cheats on them. It;s like a child who only cares about a toy when someone else is playing with it.

 

To be quite honest, I'll never understand why someone who knows that being with only one person is not the right fit for them will still get married, promise fidelity, have kids, put on a great front of being a loving spouse, all while sneaking around. Why didn't they just stay single in the first place?

  • Like 3
  • Author
Winterina Established Member

Winterina

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Ridiculous...

 

Here is a little tip....

 

Most heterosexual guys wont bother "making friends" with a woman unless they have a shot at banging them....You will hear women dispute what I am saying, but then they are likely as disillusioned as you are...

 

And my point is made in the case of this guy...

 

Why do you need to be friends with him?.....Hmm...Something telling me you are getting off on this...

 

TFY

 

No, you are totally wrong about this and so is anyone else who suggested that. I have nobody else to be with as I moved to this place only 6 month ago. He has been helpful. He has not tried anything and he has not said anything inappropriate for months.

 

I am one of the people who believe in male-female friendships and I have had friends of the opposite sex all my life. If he has something for me, which I have no idea about, then it is not my thing.

  • Author
Winterina Established Member

Winterina

Posted
  • Author
Posted
Bolded...

 

He is just one idiot...Why should he change the course of her life's decisions based on what he says or does..Would you refuse to the gym because someone told you that they twisted their ankle on one of the machines .??

 

TFY

 

True... but most of the people are like that. I rarely see anything good happening between people for long period of time.

  • Author
Winterina Established Member

Winterina

Posted
  • Author
Posted
OP,

 

I'm confused as to how this causes you so much angst? You state you're aware most people are NOT like him (low risk), but if there are men like him, you don't want to marry anyone because there's a very low risk you may be marrying a "player?"

 

Hmmm, without convincing you with statistically that you are likely not to share this fate, what can I (or anyone) do? Sometimes you must take a risk if you want the reward. I'm sorry but that's all I can offer.

 

But I must confess your question really seems to be:

 

I really NEED to believe that marriages like that cannot possibly be happy because how can I go on having an emotional affair with this guy if he's really just a lemon-scented scum bag that will string me along and discard me like a piece or trash when his wife discovers the affair?

 

To that, I 100% agree; a distorted reality is now a necessity to "be." Isn't it so disappointing? I thought so, at least. Please get out while you still can. I wish you the best.

 

Oh no, sad that nobody believes me about this and that everyone is trying to develop their own theory... he is not my type physically, not my type emotionally for the emotional relationship either. He is perfect for a friend to hang with now and then.

 

I also hang every single day with my single next door neighbour. There is nothing there either.

 

I have one more friend I made at work, a lady...

 

Those three are my entire social base. He is a huge part of my social life and we play tennis together, that's where we met. I have only one other person I can play tennis with, but that is only once a week or in two weeks...

 

That is all I do apart from work.

 

I do not see how am I responsible for him being away from his family... int hat regard, I might be even helping his family life as nothing ever happened between us and will not. Otherwise he would be out in bed with someone, may be. Many of my childhood friends are married to and when I go back home to visit my mum I spend time with them too. Not a thing between us, never was, never will be...

 

I guess this could be also a topic on whether women and men can be friends. I know they can because I have had them all my life.

 Share
Go to topic listing
×
×
  • Create New...