Feeling Awful...

[katiegrl]

Katie,

 

First you did the right thing, and saved yourself from a horrible life. Being a daughter of a person with addictions and his constantly repressed wife I know exactly what I mean.

 

Second, it is completely normal to be upset, sad, angry. It is also ok if the grief comes with a delay (few months as in your case).

 

However - if the grief is debilitating and interferes with your normal life - you need to consider your options, I mean talk therapy or more.

 

I'll probably be the minority here but I think it's great you started dating again. Even better that you terminated your first post-break up experience, which would be considered a rebound. I think the best thing to do to forget is to date, just with low expectations. I don't know why you're against OLD, IMO that's the easiest low key way, but again it's personal preference.

 

Forget about your ex. Don't call his work. You're not his savior. I felt into this trap a few times - just to get burned and used.

 

Moreover, you can't help him. He's an addict. The fact he lied to you during the whole relationship stricked me most.Not to be a bad messenger, but my father was the same with his alcohol - until he died from it. My ex was in AA from 10+ years, and despite going EVERY week - he didn't miss a day drinking tons in our time together. Here we're talking even worse, meth and coke. In mature man. I'm so glad you're out of this nightmare... Not wishing this to anyone...

 

Thank you NG, I know it is difficult to follow everything that's been posted, but I do have a therapy appt tomorrow. Looking forward to it, I have a great therapist who has helped me work through many things. .

 

I am sorry to hear of your negative experiences with this as well.

 

Happy to hear you have moved on and are doing well!

 

You sound strong! Congrats on working through all that shyt.

Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[katiegrl]

I do think it would help you to go to a 12 step program like AlAnon. I think you are at high risk of getting involved with another using addict. There has to have been a high degree of denial going on there. Every using addict shows many many signs, but unfortunately (for them, mostly) our "co's" are highly adept at "not seeing" them.

 

Yeah I think you are right.

 

Obviously, since he had been using for years and I didn't know it, I must have been living in never-never land.

 

I did attend a few Al Anon meetings immediately after this happened.

 

Then I shoved it all down, and thought (mistakenly) I was fine!

 

Missed him, curious about him, worried about him, but otherwise fine.

 

And moving on!

[losangelena]

Then I shoved it all down, and thought (mistakenly) I was fine!

 

Katie, if I may. I mean zero disrespect with this, I'm just curious.

 

We've both lost parents, right? Did you have this same feeling when you were going through that loss? I'm sure that even if you felt "OK," the impact of your parent's death probably didn't hit until later, or came in spurts after a time.

 

I'm just wondering how, having the knowledge of grief that you have, you thought you'd be over this relationship after a few weeks and a few Al Anon meetings?

 

You were about to commit the rest of your LIFE to this person. Not only did you have to cancel the wedding, you had to deal with the betrayal of his drug use. That's HUGE.

 

Everyone's different, of course, but I feel like if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be ready to date again for a long, LONG time. I feel barely up for it now, and it's been seven months to the day since my break up (I feel like a hideous wildebeest, frankly).

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're going to talk to your therapist. Some people go years without confronting their ish, and it just causes more problems. Good luck xo

[jen1447]

Potentially morbid little tip - it's easy enough to find out if ppl are dead. I'm sure the firm you work for has a PI they use ....ask them to search the SSN death index. It's cheap.

 

It may seem unhealthy to some to hang on at all, but IMO living-or-dead concerns/inquiries are pretty basic and not unreasonable for someone you cared about. It's hard to detach quite to the extent that you don't give a damn about even that (and I'd even say a bit inhumane if you somehow manage it). Hopefully some day the idea won't occur to you anymore and that's fine, but until that time comes I think it's fine to reassure yourself - esp if you have circumstances that make the chances greater than just 'randomly hit by truck' or whatever like most ppl.

[Lovelorn00]

It hurts my heart that you’re going through this. It really does. I think most of us here can relate to that gut-wrenching feeling of loss and all the pain that comes along with it. I’m so glad to see that you’re got a therapy appointment. Therapy has worked wonders for me, but it did take some time, and I still have a lot of work to do. Like Jabron mentioned earlier in this thread, self-care is key in these situations. Take care of yourself. Congratulate yourself on little victories throughout your day. If you made it to the gym, congratulate yourself for it. Hell, if you made it out of bed, congratulate yourself for it. You’ll have good days and bad days, but the gut-wrenching pain will eventually begin to subside. And always remember that you have a lot of folks here rooting for you.

[katiegrl]

Katie, if I may. I mean zero disrespect with this, I'm just curious.

 

We've both lost parents, right? Did you have this same feeling when you were going through that loss? I'm sure that even if you felt "OK," the impact of your parent's death probably didn't hit until later, or came in spurts after a time.

 

I'm just wondering how, having the knowledge of grief that you have, you thought you'd be over this relationship after a few weeks and a few Al Anon meetings?

 

You were about to commit the rest of your LIFE to this person. Not only did you have to cancel the wedding, you had to deal with the betrayal of his drug use. That's HUGE.

 

Everyone's different, of course, but I feel like if I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be ready to date again for a long, LONG time. I feel barely up for it now, and it's been seven months to the day since my break up (I feel like a hideous wildebeest, frankly).

 

Anyway, I'm glad you're going to talk to your therapist. Some people go years without confronting their ish, and it just causes more problems. Good luck xo

 

No worries LA, I know you mean no disrespect, and I have asked myself that question too, now in retrospect.

 

My only response is that I have always had a tendency to push my feelings down... not consciously of course, but this has been my way of dealing with painful emotions I guess. Which I realize now was (is) completely dysfunctional!

 

I posted earlier that after my parents died, I suppressed my feelings about their death too, even went to work the next day!

 

Everyone was thinking what the hell are you doing here, and I kept saying "oh I am fine, they lived a good life, blah blah."

 

Complete and total denial. Even my bf (my ex) was worried about me, he kept saying "you're not dealing with this, and someday it's gonna hit you out of the blue."

 

Got mad at me a few times even because I just refused to deal with it. So did my brothers.

 

My dad's death especially because he and I were very very close, in fact I considered him one of my best friends. We talked all the time, he gave me A LOT of love support all through my childhood (and my siblings' childhood) he was an awesome dad and human being.

 

But at the time I just couldn't or didn't want to deal, so pushed all those feelings down.

 

I know this doesn't make any sense to those who don't do this, and now, again in retrospect, it doesn't make any sense to me either.

 

Anyhoo.... what happened was six months later, just like my BF said, out of the blue it all hit me and I had sort of a breakdown. I won't go into all that, but it was pretty bad I had to take three months off work, medication, the whole nine yards.

 

So here I am once again, dealing with a terrible loss, and shoving painful feelings down. You gotta realize, none of this is intentional on my part... it's not like I consciously think "I can't deal with this, I am just gonna shove these feelings down."

 

I am totally unaware of it at the time. At the time, I just think I am dealing with it like a trooper, and doing great!

 

That is why I thought (again mistakenly) I was ready to date. It wasn't like I went out looking to date though.... I thought I would wait a bit longer.... but I happened to meet a man who works in the next office of my building, he walked me home one night, we clicked and he asked me out. So I went for it.

 

But THEN, just like it did with my parents, it hit me later. Perhaps getting involved with his man was the catalyst, I don't know.

 

Anyway, I am stronger now though... definitely NOT having a breakdown (like I did after my parents died). I just feel very devastated all of a sudden, very sad, very angry (at him and myself I guess for not seeing it sooner) ...

 

I am going to start seeing my therapist again though regularly. To determine why I continue to do this... it is not healthy and need to learn to deal with painful emotions at the time.... NOT suppress them... NOT shove them down... as I know now they will only creep back in later.

 

God I am SO far from perfect... and it saddens me that I gave off that impression to some.

 

I am becoming very self-aware though.... better late than never I guess.

 

Anyway, I hope this clarifies things for you LA. And again, no offense taken whatsoever.

 

P.S. I am sorry to hear of the loss of your parents too.

Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[Gaeta]

I'm very sorry you're going through some hard times. I wish I had some special words to make you feel better. When we're going through a painful break up there isn't much people can say. The pain is there, it's real, it's physical....but it passes, it always does. Have trust in that. Pain is temporary.

 

I'm glad you are going to speak with a therapist. I want you to know though that the part about going back to dating too soon thinking you could do this when you couldn't, it's normal. A lot of us did it. Sometimes we did it 1-2-3 times and we were still not ready. Again, it's part of moving on.

 

Why not take some time off and take a trip somewhere?

[mightycpa]

I think "fake it til you make it" has its place. Mostly along the lines of get up, take a shower and get ready for your day even if you feel like you don't care if you never see another one.

 

That's about it.

Maybe I'm not a big fan of crippling depression then.

[katiegrl]

I'm very sorry you're going through some hard times. I wish I had some special words to make you feel better. When we're going through a painful break up there isn't much people can say. The pain is there, it's real, it's physical....but it passes, it always does. Have trust in that. Pain is temporary.

 

I'm glad you are going to speak with a therapist. I want you to know though that the part about going back to dating too soon thinking you could do this when you couldn't, it's normal. A lot of us did it. Sometimes we did it 1-2-3 times and we were still not ready. Again, it's part of moving on.

 

Why not take some time off and take a trip somewhere?

 

Thank you for saying that Gaeta.... your whole post actually.

 

I would love to take a trip, but don't have the time right now.... perhaps in July/August when the weather gets nice again (real warm and sunny) I can spend time down at the beach.... the ocean.

 

I find the ocean very peaceful.... so I think I will plan to do that.