Feeling Awful...

[elaine567]

Personally, I would be concentrating on all the bad stuff and persuading myself that it was for the best, that I hadn't saddled myself with a drug addict/alcoholic for ever and ever.

Not sure if that is helpful to you or not, but look after yourself, you will survive.

 

Cliché I know but...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNDl41HfvxI

[katiegrl]

Kate.

 

I am going to come right out and say it. Your a numpty. Yup. Just like the rest of us you are sad over what could have been and not what was. You know this. I don't know why I am saying it. See if is "was" you wouldn't be going out with new guy and you would be all peaches and cream with the ex.

 

So do what needs to be done.

 

Cry. Mourn. East cake. Go for a run to burn it off again. Eat the second slice because if you are normal you will not have run further than the bus stop in the last 6 months and will need it!!!

 

Be kind to yourself and quit thinking you have to be perfect.

 

Thanks Toodaloo.

 

Not really sad about what *could* have been though, more like I am sad about what *was* ...what we *had* for 5.5 years, until he got into drugs last summer, and as such, what we will *never have* again.

 

Because of the damn coke and meth he chose to start using and eventually got hooked on.

 

What a freaking waste.

 

Yeah I am pretty angry and hurt about that. That he chose drugs over me.

 

Even after I left the first time (there is a thread about that)...he PROMISED no more, so I went back.

 

Only to have him start using again. So I packed up my things and left for good. Changed my phone number and went no contact.

 

We had a beautiful relationship up to that point. 5.5 years. Lots of love, lots of laughter, good times, etc.

 

Sure we had ups and downs but we always resolved, because we were open, accepting and in love. Planning a wedding in Hawaii!

 

His life, my life, our life together, destroyed because of damn drugs!

 

This is what I need to come to terms with, the betrayal, the hurt, the loss of what we had...and what we will never ever have or be again.

 

Yeah I will be okay eventually.

 

Right now, life sucks ...

 

Thanks again everyone, you guys are the best......

Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[ALL OR NOTHING]

I hate to politicize this topic or make it a debate thread (altho maybe that would do katie some good by way of distraction ) but it always grinds me when ppl say this kinda stuff. It's like saying depressed ppl or ppl suffering some other psychopathy should "choose" not to suffer from it, or that a person with a broken back should "choose" not to have a broken back.

 

Generally the only ppl who hand out this kind of advice are ones who haven't worn the shoes, which means they're not at all qualified to hand out the advice. Try telling someone who's having heartbreak-stress-induced heart failure, literally, that they need to think happy thoughts to snap out of it.

 

The only way thru this stuff is to take your lumps and to fight your way out the other side, not to pretend it isn't real or blame yourself for feeling things you can't control or telling yourself happy nursery rhymes as some sort of homeopathic remedy.

 

 

My girlfriend left me 3 months ago from a 3 year relationship because I suffer from social anxiety and she wanted more from life than I could give her.

Ive had no support or the ability to reach out to get any.

I'm sorry if you thought I wore different shoes but unfortunately I don't.

We see the world , not as it really is , but as we are , or in other words how we are conditioned to see it. Conditioning is merely a collection of experiences , each experience is stored in your brain along with the behaviors you chose when you experienced it. If you change those behaviors for example like smiling instead of crying you will create new habits and a new conditioning. I'm sorry if I offended anyone as my intentions were simply to help.

[PrettyEmily77]

Katie, when I broke up with my latest ex, it took me a whole year to get over it - I can't even remember the first 3 months; I was in complete shock and in a daze, even though I was the one initiating it. Weirdly, it also felt like I was breaking up with all my previous exes all over again.

 

The following months I went for long walks, volunteered to babysit my baby niece every time I could, made my friends sick to death with all my tales of woe and when I felt better, I dabbled a little in dating, convincing myself I was ready for LTR - even managed a 2 month long 'thing' with a guy I'd 'met' on a professional forum without actually meeting him IRL (yep, that's how 'ready' I was... - he's good friend irl now though).

 

It took another couple of months before I met my partner totally unexpectedly and it all fell into place, partly because he's awesome but mostly because I was in the right head space.

 

So have faith, Katie; you'll get there.

[katiegrl]

My girlfriend left me 3 months ago from a 3 year relationship because I suffer from social anxiety and she wanted more from life than I could give her.

Ive had no support or the ability to reach out to get any.

I'm sorry if you thought I wore different shoes but unfortunately I don't.

We see the world , not as it really is , but as we are , or in other words how we are conditioned to see it. Conditioning is merely a collection of experiences , each experience is stored in your brain along with the behaviors you chose when you experienced it. If you change those behaviors for example like smiling instead of crying you will create new habits and a new conditioning. I'm sorry if I offended anyone as my intentions were simply to help.

 

I think I get what you are saying.

 

Similar to the *act as if* approach? You train your mind to act and feel "as if" you are okay, that you don't feel awful ..... smiling, being happy, and soon thereafter, you actually won't feel so awful anymore? For real?

 

Mind over matter type of thing?

 

Not sure if that is what you mean, but there is some truth to that.

 

And no worries you didn't offend.

 

I basically thanked jen for caring... and for having my back.

 

And I understand and completely agree with her.

 

That we need to experience all the awful feelings, so they can be processed and then released ....for good. That is really important IMO.

Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[ALL OR NOTHING]

I think I get what you are saying.

 

Similar to the *act as if* approach? You train your mind to act and feel "as if" you are okay, that you don't feel awful ..... smiling, being happy, and soon thereafter, you actually won't feel so awful anymore? For real?

 

Mind over matter type of thing?

 

Not sure if that is what you mean, but there is some truth to that.

 

And no worries you didn't offend.

 

I basically thanked jen for caring... and for having my back.

 

And I understand and completely agree with her.

 

That we need to experience all the awful feelings, so they can be processed and then released ....for good. That is really important IMO.

 

You need to understand that everything you do or feel is your choice , the problem is that you've been conditioned by your actions in life to respond the way you do to the experience you face. About 90% of our lives our controlled by our paradigms. From driving your car to peeling spuds. Your subconscious brain runs on auto pilot to perform almost all tasks unless they are new to you this is when the conscious brain kicks in. To change what your feeling is like peeling spuds with the other hand , it's still easy but feels weird as your subconscious brain only has memories of you peeling with the other hand. So what I'm saying is that you've wired tears of sadness to your ex and disappointment to change this you must learn to peel with the other hand. Every time you think of him smile and tell your self everything will be ok every single time over and over again. Do this until every time you think of him you smile. Fake it till you make literally. Create a hundred smiling moments about your situation this will create a new auto pilot and every time you think of him Youl just smile and you won't no why. This works with everything , every time , if it feels like it isn't working that's the terror barrier messing with you your subconscious brain doesn't want you to change , you need to insist until it realizes that you want to. change your paradigms change your life.

[katiegrl]

You need to understand that everything you do or feel is your choice , the problem is that you've been conditioned by your actions in life to respond the way you do to the experience you face. About 90% of our lives our controlled by our paradigms. From driving your car to peeling spuds. Your subconscious brain runs on auto pilot to perform almost all tasks unless they are new to you this is when the conscious brain kicks in. To change what your feeling is like peeling spuds with the other hand , it's still easy but feels weird as your subconscious brain only has memories of you peeling with the other hand. So what I'm saying is that you've wired tears of sadness to your ex and disappointment to change this you must learn to peel with the other hand. Every time you think of him smile and tell your self everything will be ok every single time over and over again. Do this until every time you think of him you smile. Fake it till you make literally. Create a hundred smiling moments about your situation this will create a new auto pilot and every time you think of him Youl just smile and you won't no why. This works with everything , every time , if it feels like it isn't working that's the terror barrier messing with you your subconscious brain doesn't want you to change , you need to insist until it realizes that you want to. change your paradigms change your life.

 

^^"Fake it until you make it" ---

 

Yeah that is the act *as if* approach I talked about earlier. Same thing, and I understand this quite well.

 

I act *as if* I am okay, smiling every time I think of him, think happy thoughts, etc ... and soon thereafter I will actually feel that way. For real. Reconditioning the typical response of feeling sad to feeling happy. Yeah I get it.

 

That is precisely what I did after the break up in December.

 

Even got involved with another man. I honestly thought I was fine!!

 

Ultimately, didn't work because I had not processed the feelings of anger, loss and other negative feelings.

 

So now, four months later those feelings are creeping back in because they were never processed in the first place ... to be released...

 

I was only denying them, pretending they didn't exist. As you said faking it.

 

I know you mean well and no doubt what you advise works for you, but for me it wasn't (isn't) healthy for me to do that.

 

For me, the healthy thing to do is feel the pain, feel the loss and awful feelings ... process those feelings, allow them to come to surface to be released.

 

I should have known this cuz I did the whole "fake it until you make it" after my parents died too, in 2014. Unexpectedly.

 

I never processed those feelings either, denied them, suppressed them..

 

Like you said faked it.

 

Had everyone, including myself, convinced I was doing terrific!

 

Until six months later when all those unprocessed feelings came to the surface and I had a breakdown.

 

So no, from experience this fake it until you make it approach doesn't work for me. I know this for certain now.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond though. I always appreciate hearing different perspectives.

Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl

[Rachel39]

You have to process it and grieve the loss, you can not keep it hidden away like it's all ok because it will come out somewhere....

 

 

The end of a relationship is like a death you have to go through the process to come out the other side and you may have some trauma bond issues with him been a drug addict which will make it harder for you.

 

Maybe read up on it it might help you a little bit and realise what your going through... It's all normal process will take some time don't be hard on yourself

[katiegrl]

You have to process it and grieve the loss, you can not keep it hidden away like it's all ok because it will come out somewhere....

 

 

The end of a relationship is like a death you have to go through the process to come out the other side and you may have some trauma bond issues with him been a drug addict which will make it harder for you.

 

Maybe read up on it it might help you a little bit and realise what your going through... It's all normal process will take some time don't be hard on yourself

 

I know and thanks.

 

I do know time heals and that which doesn't kill you makes you stronger.

 

It sucks now but I will be okay.

 

I also have a therapy appt next week too.

 

I still see my therapist from time to time after my parents died.

[losangelena]

You need to understand that everything you do or feel is your choice , the problem is that you've been conditioned by your actions in life to respond the way you do to the experience you face. About 90% of our lives our controlled by our paradigms. From driving your car to peeling spuds. Your subconscious brain runs on auto pilot to perform almost all tasks unless they are new to you this is when the conscious brain kicks in. To change what your feeling is like peeling spuds with the other hand , it's still easy but feels weird as your subconscious brain only has memories of you peeling with the other hand. So what I'm saying is that you've wired tears of sadness to your ex and disappointment to change this you must learn to peel with the other hand. Every time you think of him smile and tell your self everything will be ok every single time over and over again. Do this until every time you think of him you smile. Fake it till you make literally. Create a hundred smiling moments about your situation this will create a new auto pilot and every time you think of him Youl just smile and you won't no why. This works with everything , every time , if it feels like it isn't working that's the terror barrier messing with you your subconscious brain doesn't want you to change , you need to insist until it realizes that you want to. change your paradigms change your life.

 

Err, what?

 

Sorry, but while I think it's good to try and reprogram the brain of unproductive thought patterns, it's also important to be realistic of one's mental and emotional state.

 

Katie broke up with her BF/fiancee of SIX YEARS in December. She has loss and pain she must process through. Smiling at the thought of him won't accomplish anything, except, perhaps, the tamping down of her feelings and it just takes her longer to work through them.

 

I grew up in a family unit where negative emotions were seen as bad things that should be avoided or soothed away by food or television. I can, with firsthand knowledge, say that avoiding negative emotions does more damage in the long run.

[Methodical]

^^"Fake it until you make it" ---

 

Yeah that is the act *as if* approach I talked about earlier. Same thing, and I understand this quite well.

 

I act *as if* I am okay, smiling every time I think of him, think happy thoughts, etc ... and soon thereafter I will actually feel that way. For real. Reconditioning the typical response of feeling sad to feeling happy. Yeah I get it.

 

That is precisely what I did after the break up in December.

 

Even got involved with another man. I honestly thought I was fine!!

 

Ultimately, didn't work because I had not processed the feelings of anger, loss and other negative feelings.

 

So now, four months later those feelings are creeping back in because they were never processed in the first place ... to be released...

 

I was only denying them, pretending they didn't exist. As you said faking it.

 

I know you mean well and no doubt what you advise works for you, but for me it wasn't (isn't) healthy for me to do that.

 

For me, the healthy thing to do is feel the pain, feel the loss and awful feelings ... process those feelings, allow them to come to surface to be released.

 

I should have known this cuz I did the whole "fake it until you make it" after my parents died too, in 2014. Unexpectedly.

 

I never processed those feelings either, denied them, suppressed them..

 

Like you said faked it.

 

Had everyone, including myself, convinced I was doing terrific!

 

Until six months later when all those unprocessed feelings came to the surface and I had a breakdown.

 

So no, from experience this fake it until you make it approach doesn't work for me. I know this for certain now.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond though. I always appreciate hearing different perspectives.

 

This post was well stated and hopefully cathartic. Keep trudging forward, we've got your back, hon!

[BC1980]

Personally, I would be concentrating on all the bad stuff and persuading myself that it was for the best, that I hadn't saddled myself with a drug addict/alcoholic for ever and ever.

Not sure if that is helpful to you or not, but look after yourself, you will survive.

 

Cliché I know but...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PNDl41HfvxI

 

I made a list of all the reasons it wouldn't have worked with my ex and all the times he did something terrible. When I would get sentimental, I pulled out the list and read it. It works.

[hippychick3]

I did wonder how you were able to move on so quickly and seemingly easily after ending a LTR. So, it makes so much sense that you really haven't and were trying to logically move on without realizing that emotionally you could not. I'd probably do the same. After all, who wants to feel the pain if you could use logic and distractions to avoid it?

 

It sucks that only time and real true grieving can get us through the heartbreak of a break up with someone we truly loved.

 

Hang in there, Girl. If anyone can come out stronger and happier at the end of the tunnel, you can!

[jen1447]

You need to understand that everything you do or feel is your choice , the problem is that you've been conditioned by your actions in life to respond the way you do to the experience you face. About 90% of our lives our controlled by our paradigms. From driving your car to peeling spuds. Your subconscious brain runs on auto pilot to perform almost all tasks unless they are new to you this is when the conscious brain kicks in. To change what your feeling is like peeling spuds with the other hand , it's still easy but feels weird as your subconscious brain only has memories of you peeling with the other hand. So what I'm saying is that you've wired tears of sadness to your ex and disappointment to change this you must learn to peel with the other hand. Every time you think of him smile and tell your self everything will be ok every single time over and over again. Do this until every time you think of him you smile. Fake it till you make literally. Create a hundred smiling moments about your situation this will create a new auto pilot and every time you think of him Youl just smile and you won't no why. This works with everything , every time , if it feels like it isn't working that's the terror barrier messing with you your subconscious brain doesn't want you to change , you need to insist until it realizes that you want to. change your paradigms change your life.

 

I see my preaching had no effect.

 

I understand you've been thru breakup before but my wear-the-shoes comment was meant to show you apparently haven't felt the degree of pain others have, not that you haven't had a breakup. Until you've felt that pain, you can't say that what worked for you (and the apparently limited discomfort you felt) will work for others, and you're sort of just speaking from inexperience.

 

Really, telling someone who's just been flattened by a bus to get up and pretend it didn't happen won't enable them to get up. It just won't. Psychological trauma is serious business and it's not sth that can be addressed with pop pyschology type solutions in a comprehensive sense. If you're really adamant about this, I'd be curious to know how the paradigm-shifting approach would or could be used to address stress-induced hypertension, prolonged loss of appetite, insomnia, heart palpatations, and even heart attack, among other things. How do you talk your heart out of giving up for lack of oxygen?

[Dis]

Usually don't start threads but I am feeling so awful right now, in tears, depressed, feel like ending it all...

 

I won't but I feel like it.

 

I thought I was doing so great, ended things with my ex last December cuz of his drug addiction, and was moving on.

 

Even started dating new guy, which actually only made me realize how much I miss my ex and still in love with him.

 

We were together six years, and were planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii this year.

 

So ended it with new guy, and now here I lay, alone on Saturday night, crying over my damn ex!

 

WTF!

 

Anyhoo, not sure what I am expecting by posting this, many posters don't even like me... so not counting on much sympathy.

 

Guess I just needed some place safe to vent, instead of breaking no contact and calling my ex!

 

Thanks for listening guys...... any words of support would be appreciated.

 

KATIEGRL I LIKE YOU!!! lol You helped me through my last break up! I'm so glad you posted bcuz you usually just offer help to others. I'm glad you recognised you need help sometimes too!

 

Its def normal to still be grieving the loss of a 6 years relationship after only a few months. I know you feel so empty and sad, but thats ok! Your not supposed to just click your heels and walk away into the sunset. Youre grieving. Let yourself do that. Sometimes we just have to sit with the pain, let ourselves feel it. That is how we process the loss and eventually move on. Be paitent with yourself. Grief is an awful emotion to feel, after being with someone for 6 years, the grief you must feel has to be pretty intense. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling, you lost someone. Of course its going to hurt. Everyday will get alittle better. I know its so hard to say goodbye to what you thought was going to be the future (the wedding and him) everything can change in ways we couldve never predicted. All you can do is ride this storm out and continue to be strong. Please post or message me whenever you need to! (Not sure if you got my private message as it was my first time sending one)

 

As far as other posters go (I will not mention any names ) That girl was a wack job. You always offer the best advice. Anyone that doesnt appreciate that doesnt deserve it. Your advice helped me so much.

Maybe start taking your own advice. Your very wise. Listen to yourself.

 

We're here for you!!!!

 

Oh and have you ever thought of starting a journal??? Writing has always helped me through tough times. Getting your emotions out of you and onto paper might help xoxo

[Dis]

KATIEGRL I LIKE YOU!!! lol You helped me through my last break up! I'm so glad you posted bcuz you usually just offer help to others. I'm glad you recognised you need help sometimes too!

 

Its def normal to still be grieving the loss of a 6 years relationship after only a few months. I know you feel so empty and sad, but thats ok! Your not supposed to just click your heels and walk away into the sunset. Youre grieving. Let yourself do that. Sometimes we just have to sit with the pain, let ourselves feel it. That is how we process the loss and eventually move on. Be paitent with yourself. Grief is an awful emotion to feel, after being with someone for 6 years, the grief you must feel has to be pretty intense. There is nothing wrong with you for feeling, you lost someone. Of course its going to hurt. Everyday will get alittle better. I know its so hard to say goodbye to what you thought was going to be the future (the wedding and him) everything can change in ways we couldve never predicted. All you can do is ride this storm out and continue to be strong. Please post or message me whenever you need to! (Not sure if you got my private message as it was my first time sending one)

 

As far as other posters go (I will not mention any names ) That girl was a wack job. You always offer the best advice. Anyone that doesnt appreciate that doesnt deserve it. Your advice helped me so much.

Maybe start taking your own advice. Your very wise. Listen to yourself.

 

We're here for you!!!!

 

Oh and have you ever thought of starting a journal??? Writing has always helped me through tough times. Getting your emotions out of you and onto paper might help xoxo

 

I would also like to add something to this. I have alot of experience with addiction, I'm a recovering alcoholic (sober for 9 years) and have dating other addicts before. You can not fix your ex. We as humans cannot fix other people. Esp when it comes to addiction. That drug will always trump you and whatever you have to offer. He is sick, and only he can help himself. Sometimes we just come to the end of the road with people because they are not capable of making the changes we need them to make. You are wise for not holding out hope and getting more and more hurt in the meantime. Your ex is sick. Only he can help himself recover. I have heard, "We can only give what we have" This is very true. Considering your ex was an addict, he probably could not give you what you deserved/needed because he was too sick to give it.

 

Be hopeful about the future. Wonderful things/people will come your way. For now, work your way through the pain. xoxo

[mightycpa]

I'm not a big fan of fake it till you make it. I tried it once, and I faked it so good that I thought I was done. But all that really happened is that it got buried good and deep. Then one day, out of nowhere, years later, it came to the surface in full force, demanding to be dealt with.

 

You will grieve, one way or the other, according to my experience. You have to cry the tears until you empty the bucket. There's really no other way, and there is never a good time for it. There's no profit in faking your way around that.

 

This doesn't have to come at the expense of commitment to the path you've chosen. You don't have to be happy about it right now to know you've done the right thing. You've just got to gut it out until you're at peace. It could be a long while. It might not be. You never know.

 

That's also why I'm not a big fan of magic pills to make it all go away either. Something lost should be paid tribute according to the love it inspired. If you could walk away unscathed, then it meant nothing. The worst fear of those left behind is that they're forgotten, that it all meant nothing. This is simply the other side of the coin. In the end, I'm convinced you'll be a better, stronger Katie when the turmoil comes to a rest.

 

All you can do is see what the next day brings. Good luck.

[Toodaloo]

Agh Kate that is what happens when people are addicts... And reality is that that IS what is was. Its all very good and well looking back at the peachy days but he did let it take over. You did do the right thing in walking away.

 

Tough and it sucks but the reality was not what the relationship started as. The reality IS that he is hooked on drugs.

 

You are still trying to force yourself. Why are you being so hard on yourself? Why don't you just take some time out to cry and be upset. You are perfectly entitled to!

 

I get this feeling that you feel that you always have to be right and do the right thing and that you always have to be tough.

 

You do know its OK to be upset... its OK to make mistakes... its also perfectly OK to make the right decisions but still be upset that you have had to do that...

 

Come on girl give yourself a break here. You do not have to be perfect. In fact its our imperfections that make us perfect.

 

You are being way too hard on yourself. You are pushing yourself way too hard. Just stop and take five so you can actually smell the roses for a change. Seriously. Just a couple of months out of a 6 year relationship that was bloody hard work and you are trying to make it work with some other guy already? Hon. Stop. Just stop. Let yourself heal before you go jumping in. You haven't even given yourself time to figure out what you think you may want moving forward and just seem to be jumping and trying to be perfect. Stop trying to be perfect and start trying to be Katie instead.

[ALL OR NOTHING]

^^"Fake it until you make it" ---

 

Yeah that is the act *as if* approach I talked about earlier. Same thing, and I understand this quite well.

 

I act *as if* I am okay, smiling every time I think of him, think happy thoughts, etc ... and soon thereafter I will actually feel that way. For real. Reconditioning the typical response of feeling sad to feeling happy. Yeah I get it.

 

That is precisely what I did after the break up in December.

 

Even got involved with another man. I honestly thought I was fine!!

 

Ultimately, didn't work because I had not processed the feelings of anger, loss and other negative feelings.

 

So now, four months later those feelings are creeping back in because they were never processed in the first place ... to be released...

 

I was only denying them, pretending they didn't exist. As you said faking it.

 

I know you mean well and no doubt what you advise works for you, but for me it wasn't (isn't) healthy for me to do that.

 

For me, the healthy thing to do is feel the pain, feel the loss and awful feelings ... process those feelings, allow them to come to surface to be released.

 

I should have known this cuz I did the whole "fake it until you make it" after my parents died too, in 2014. Unexpectedly.

 

I never processed those feelings either, denied them, suppressed them..

 

Like you said faked it.

 

Had everyone, including myself, convinced I was doing terrific!

 

Until six months later when all those unprocessed feelings came to the surface and I had a breakdown.

 

So no, from experience this fake it until you make it approach doesn't work for me. I know this for certain now.

 

Thank you for taking the time to respond though. I always appreciate hearing different perspectives.

 

Watch this -

 

What ever you are thinking and doing at any single moment your becoming better at it. Knowledge is power so learn about the brain and why we do what we do and Youl soon realize we don't have to do any of it.

 

There's a famous saying that "when the pupil is ready to learn the teacher will appear.

 

Don't listen to those who aren't quite ready.

 

Good luck x

[Miss Clavel]

Usually don't start threads but I am feeling so awful right now, in tears, depressed, feel like ending it all...

 

I won't but I feel like it.

 

I thought I was doing so great, ended things with my ex last December cuz of his drug addiction, and was moving on.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

it takes about five years for an addict/alkie to really begin to trust they will keep sober, and the same for those around them.

 

millions of people are married to recovering addict/alcoholics. we are not isolated. we have children and parents, meetings and work.

 

just keep an ear out for his progress, in my experience, alkies get sober more often than addicts, but miracles happen.

 

and maybe one day, while he's working his "steps" he'll get in touch to make amends to you.

 

he might want a life with you. he might feel he's ready, after treatment. but ask yourself, can you live with someone who's life depends on his number one priority, staying clean and sober?

 

you will never be first.

 

good luck

[katiegrl]

Agh Kate that is what happens when people are addicts... And reality is that that IS what is was. Its all very good and well looking back at the peachy days but he did let it take over. You did do the right thing in walking away.

 

Tough and it sucks but the reality was not what the relationship started as. The reality IS that he is hooked on drugs.

 

You are still trying to force yourself. Why are you being so hard on yourself? Why don't you just take some time out to cry and be upset. You are perfectly entitled to!

 

I get this feeling that you feel that you always have to be right and do the right thing and that you always have to be tough.

 

You do know its OK to be upset... its OK to make mistakes... its also perfectly OK to make the right decisions but still be upset that you have had to do that...

 

Come on girl give yourself a break here. You do not have to be perfect. In fact its our imperfections that make us perfect.

 

You are being way too hard on yourself. You are pushing yourself way too hard. Just stop and take five so you can actually smell the roses for a change. Seriously. Just a couple of months out of a 6 year relationship that was bloody hard work and you are trying to make it work with some other guy already? Hon. Stop. Just stop. Let yourself heal before you go jumping in. You haven't even given yourself time to figure out what you think you may want moving forward and just seem to be jumping and trying to be perfect. Stop trying to be perfect and start trying to be Katie instead.

 

I'm doing okay Toodaloo, I know I don't need to be perfect (not sure where you got that I did) , and I wasn't trying to make it work with the other guy, he was the one pushing, I realized I was not ready, so I ended it. I *did* stop it.

 

I dunno maybe you missed that part. But I am not beating myself up for that or anything else. That other guy, who was actually very nice and treated me well, was just a blip, completely irrelevant to what I am feeling now.

 

I am just hurting at the loss of a very important relationship in my life that lasted many years.

 

A relationship that made me very happy for 5.5 years, until he got hooked on meth and coke while back east last summer caring for his sick mom, who eventually passed.

 

And I found out after that in December when it all came out, that he was even using prior to that, all throughout our RL actually, off and on, from time to time. He hid it well as I had no clue.

 

So I ended it for good. I know I did the right thing, I am not questioning my decision at all.

 

I do miss him though, miss us. I hope he is okay! And not dead somewhere. Rehab hopefully.

 

Anyhoo, I am working through all of it now, but I am doing okay and will emerge from this stronger than before. I realize that is a cliche, but I truly believe that.

 

Thanks again to all for your support and words of encouragement!

Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl

[No_Go]

Katie,

 

First you did the right thing, and saved yourself from a horrible life. Being a daughter of a person with addictions and his constantly repressed wife I know exactly what I mean.

 

Second, it is completely normal to be upset, sad, angry. It is also ok if the grief comes with a delay (few months as in your case).

 

However - if the grief is debilitating and interferes with your normal life - you need to consider your options, I mean talk therapy or more.

 

I'll probably be the minority here but I think it's great you started dating again. Even better that you terminated your first post-break up experience, which would be considered a rebound. I think the best thing to do to forget is to date, just with low expectations. I don't know why you're against OLD, IMO that's the easiest low key way, but again it's personal preference.

 

Forget about your ex. Don't call his work. You're not his savior. I felt into this trap a few times - just to get burned and used.

 

Moreover, you can't help him. He's an addict. The fact he lied to you during the whole relationship stricked me most.Not to be a bad messenger, but my father was the same with his alcohol - until he died from it. My ex was in AA from 10+ years, and despite going EVERY week - he didn't miss a day drinking tons in our time together. Here we're talking even worse, meth and coke. In mature man. I'm so glad you're out of this nightmare... Not wishing this to anyone...

[smudge21]

Sorry to read what you've been going through Katie. I haven't really got much to add from the great advice and support you've already had here, but as you've been there for me in the past I just wanted to post and wish you well. Truly hope you can move on from this, but we both know how difficult, no matter what the situation, it can be to let go of someone.

[Rejected Rosebud]

I'm not a big fan of fake it till you make it. I tried it once, and I faked it so good that I thought I was done.

I think "fake it til you make it" has its place. Mostly along the lines of get up, take a shower and get ready for your day even if you feel like you don't care if you never see another one.

 

That's about it.

[Rejected Rosebud]

 

A relationship that made me very happy for 5.5 years, until he got hooked on meth and coke while back east last summer caring for his sick mom, who eventually passed.

 

And I found out after that in December when it all came out, that he was even using prior to that, all throughout our RL actually, off and on, from time to time. He hid it well as I had no clue.

 

I do think it would help you to go to a 12 step program like AlAnon. I think you are at high risk of getting involved with another using addict. There has to have been a high degree of denial going on there. Every using addict shows many many signs, but unfortunately (for them, mostly) our "co's" are highly adept at "not seeing" them.