katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Usually don't start threads but I am feeling so awful right now, in tears, depressed, feel like ending it all... I won't but I feel like it. I thought I was doing so great, ended things with my ex last December cuz of his drug addiction, and was moving on. Even started dating new guy, which actually only made me realize how much I miss my ex and still in love with him. We were together six years, and were planning a beautiful wedding in Hawaii this year. So ended it with new guy, and now here I lay, alone on Saturday night, crying over my damn ex! WTF! Anyhoo, not sure what I am expecting by posting this, many posters don't even like me... so not counting on much sympathy. Guess I just needed some place safe to vent, instead of breaking no contact and calling my ex! Thanks for listening guys...... any words of support would be appreciated. 5
Hoosfoos Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 You did the right thing by breaking up with the guy with drug problems. His bond will always be with the drugs, and you will always come second. You sound like you just need more time to grieve the loss of the relationship, so you're probably not ready to date anyone else at the moment. This is normal. 3
losangelena Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 You did the right thing by breaking up with the guy with drug problems. His bond will always be with the drugs, and you will always come second. You sound like you just need more time to grieve the loss of the relationship, so you're probably not ready to date anyone else at the moment. This is normal. I agree. It's only been a few months, Katie. Yeah, your ex is a drug addict, and you can say all you want about how you're better off without him, but six years is a long time to be with someone! Missing him and the good times you had is inevitable. There's nothing weird or bad about crying or feeling said. Hell, I still occasionally miss my ex, and our lackluster relationship only lasted a year! Grief is a long and non-linear process. 8
Satu Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 It's not that long since you ended things with your ex. Its obvious from your posts that you've made real progress. The way you're feeling now just means that there's more healing to be done. You'll get there. Cry your tears and do your grieving. It's not forever. Take care. 5
TimmyC Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 You did the right thing!!! Unfortunately when someone suffers a drug addiction, they become selfish not on purpose but because they are ill. What your feeling is normal, it sounds like you attempted to move on without healing. Right now you need to take sometime to heal. Give yourself time to properly grieve over your ex. However don't let love pass you by! And P.S you seem like a caring person I don't see why you think people don't like you on here we all support you! There's some amazing people on these forums! 2
BC1980 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Just because he was a drug addict and you know it needed to end doesn't mean you won't grieve for the loss. You are probably grieving a lot of things right now: what you had hoped the relationship would be and the lost potential of who your ex could have been to you. Those are not easy things to move on from after 6 years. Those are terribly painful things to have to grieve. Even if he wasn't healthy for you, you loved him, and you envisioned a future with him. It's hard to accept that the future you wanted will not materialize. It's honestly the most gut wrenching thing I have been through in my life. Sometimes, when I was in the midst of it all, I would go to sleep and not care if I woke up the next morning. I couldn't stand the thought of facing another day with those feelings. I couldn't stand the thought of another day going through the grieving process. I felt like my entire world was in shambles and nothing made sense. I had anxiety because I didn't know what the future held. It's all normal, but I know it's very painful. Try to find something that can make you happy right now. Even something small like music or reading a book. Just to get you through the really bad nights. 8
Author katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) You did the right thing!!! Unfortunately when someone suffers a drug addiction, they become selfish not on purpose but because they are ill. What your feeling is normal, it sounds like you attempted to move on without healing. Right now you need to take sometime to heal. Give yourself time to properly grieve over your ex. However don't let love pass you by! And P.S you seem like a caring person I don't see why you think people don't like you on here we all support you! There's some amazing people on these forums! Thank you for saying that, I get criticized on here a lot, but since I am feeling ultra sensitive right now ... that is probably why I feel that way. I don't know ... I honestly was so proud of myself for being able to move on so quickly, but now I think I must have been in denial, the very thing I advise posters to be aware of and not to do! So much for my grand advice. It's all hitting me now, and I feel just gutted. Plus a couple months back, I called my ex's work, anonymously, and the receptionist told me he was on a leave of absence! So my brain went spinning, but I shut it off, and now it's spinning again. Rehab? Overdose? What happened? Yeah I just need more time. Obviously. Hope this passes soon, this just sucks, I am literally shaking and feel like throwing up. Thank you all for your kind support. Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl 2
jen1447 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 There's no rhyme or reason to this stuff katie, the only thing that's certain is there's no cheating the grief reaper. If whatever you lost was real, you pay the price one way or another. Hell, I still grieve my ex from 18 years ago sometimes. :-/ Hang in there. Us vets have a big advantage bc we know it gets better eventually. 1
Author katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 There's no rhyme or reason to this stuff katie, the only thing that's certain is there's no cheating the grief reaper. If whatever you lost was real, you pay the price one way or another. Hell, I still grieve my ex from 18 years ago sometimes. :-/ Hang in there. Us vets have a big advantage bc we know it gets better eventually. Thank you jen! I had a good cry for a couple of hours and feel a bit better. It helps to vent and get this stuff out too ... instead of bottling it all up. Gotta admit I am not used to reaching out asking for support, but I am glad I did, everyone's posts have helped a lot.
mightycpa Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Aww, you're missing what he might have been, not what he is. I'd have to say you're going through a little withdrawal yourself right now. Ironic, no? 1
angel.eyes Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Agreed. You're missing the potential of what might have been, and not what really was. ((((HUGS)))) It will very get better.
ALL OR NOTHING Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 You need to understand that feeling awful is simply a choice that you are making and from now on you must make a new choice to be happy. This can be done very easily , the only hard part about it is believing that its possible to do so. To create belief in such a possibility you must prove to yourself it can be done. A 'decision' is probably the most powerful thing there is and you should not underestimate your ability to make one. Make one now to be happy and watch your beliefs change. Every single time you think about crying smile , make a cheesy stupid smile and tell yourself that although i feel like an idiot smiling and crying at the same time its changing the way my brain wires pain , if your sad just smile permanently for three days and see how it can change your life. I think you need to look at the situation from a different angle. The fact that you two were together for so long clearly means that you both loved each other very much. This is a beautiful thing and should never be forgotten , the problem is that you are now thinking of this beautiful experience and then instantly creating a new one along side it with the opposite feeling. Mixing love with pain is like trying to mix water with fire , no matter what you do water (love) will always win. You need to stop trying to remove the love and allow it to remain exactly where it was. In my experience drugs are all consuming , you may not quite understand how a person could choose a drug over you but the reality is there brain hasn't created the software to enable them to do so. In order for a person to break out of such a habit the person themselves must break. This is called rock bottom , a state in which life and death meet. When all means of happiness have left and the energy required to find the next fix seems to hard to find we find ourselves at check mate. The transition happens when continuing becomes harder than giving up. No one can stop a drug addict , you can only be there to remind them that they can. If you truly love this man and see your life with him then you must tell him so. Sit calmly with him and tell him that you love him with all your heart and you forgive him for all that he has done. That you understand his addiction and you trust the courage in his heart to find away back to you one day. Tell him that no matter how dark his journey may be your love will always be there to light the way. Smile give him kiss and walk away. Do not cry or shout create a beautiful lasting memory in his mind of what you are and what he means to you. This will create new software , the kind of which makes the check mate scenario. Do not expect the change to happen immediately or that this will bring about the dreams of you being together. This is simply you making piece with the person you love and saying goodbye to the fire that haunts that love. You must now move forward with your life and trust that if your love was true his courage will awaken and he will find you once more. If this does not happen then it simply wasn't meant to be , you will find a more perfect love anyway wether thats with him or someone else and he will do the same. Either way you both loved and both won. Be clear of your feelings , make piece with yourself and move forward with your life. Everything else will fall into to place. 1
Emilia Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 When you start moving on with someone, your ex will keep coming to your mind initially, it's completely normal. People will tell you that you should have a completely clean slate but that's not realistic. When you start dating all sorts of emotions get stirred, memories you didn't have to deal with for a while re-surface. Your mind is dealing with ambiguous feelings, starts processing new romantic ones. It's the same for everyone. 5
Methodical Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) Feeling awful isn't simply a choice. It's one thing to look at a situation logically and come to a conclusion. (The breakup.) However, it's another ball of wax when your emotions are pulling at your heartstrings :/. (Grieving loss.) Quite often, love is unpredictable and illogical, and we have to go thru the grieving process. There is no bypass that'll erase or rewire our heart. Give yourself time, Katie, you are human, not a machine. (But you are a warrior .) Hugs Edited April 10, 2016 by Methodical 7
jen1447 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 You need to understand that feeling awful is simply a choice that you are making and from now on you must make a new choice to be happy. This can be done very easily , the only hard part about it is believing that its possible to do so. I hate to politicize this topic or make it a debate thread (altho maybe that would do katie some good by way of distraction ) but it always grinds me when ppl say this kinda stuff. It's like saying depressed ppl or ppl suffering some other psychopathy should "choose" not to suffer from it, or that a person with a broken back should "choose" not to have a broken back. Generally the only ppl who hand out this kind of advice are ones who haven't worn the shoes, which means they're not at all qualified to hand out the advice. Try telling someone who's having heartbreak-stress-induced heart failure, literally, that they need to think happy thoughts to snap out of it. The only way thru this stuff is to take your lumps and to fight your way out the other side, not to pretend it isn't real or blame yourself for feeling things you can't control or telling yourself happy nursery rhymes as some sort of homeopathic remedy. 9
Jabron1 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Make sure that you aren't neglecting the basics such as sleeping well, eating, exercising, and seeing friends. Sounds obvious, but these things are easily neglected when we feel like sh*t. And that will make you feel much worse. Look after yourself 6
Author katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 Make sure that you aren't neglecting the basics such as sleeping well, eating, exercising, and seeing friends. Sounds obvious, but these things are easily neglected when we feel like sh*t. And that will make you feel much worse. Look after yourself Tnx Jabron ... I am actually not but should. And yeah do feel worse because of it. Gonna go out to Jimbos now to get a big bfast and some juice.
Author katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 (edited) When you start moving on with someone, your ex will keep coming to your mind initially, it's completely normal. People will tell you that you should have a completely clean slate but that's not realistic. When you start dating all sorts of emotions get stirred, memories you didn't have to deal with for a while re-surface. Your mind is dealing with ambiguous feelings, starts processing new romantic ones. It's the same for everyone. That is what happened after a few weeks of dating new guy. Met him IRL not on line, I am not on line dating. Anyhoo, I was crushing on him at first which felt great! Then after a month, he was sort of pushing for relationship, long weekend together, meeting his parents for dinner when they came to town for a visit, and that is when I started feeling pressured and started thinking of and missing my ex! I was/am even dreaming about him! Last night I had another dream. It s like he is haunting me! All the feelings I had not processed after the breakup are now flooding to the surface.... Edited April 10, 2016 by katiegrl 1
Author katiegrl Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 I hate to politicize this topic or make it a debate thread (altho maybe that would do katie some good by way of distraction ) but it always grinds me when ppl say this kinda stuff. It's like saying depressed ppl or ppl suffering some other psychopathy should "choose" not to suffer from it, or that a person with a broken back should "choose" not to have a broken back. Generally the only ppl who hand out this kind of advice are ones who haven't worn the shoes, which means they're not at all qualified to hand out the advice. Try telling someone who's having heartbreak-stress-induced heart failure, literally, that they need to think happy thoughts to snap out of it. The only way thru this stuff is to take your lumps and to fight your way out the other side, not to pretend it isn't real or blame yourself for feeling things you can't control or telling yourself happy nursery rhymes as some sort of homeopathic remedy. Hugs for posting that jen.... and I agree. 1
Methodical Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 I was crushing on him at first which felt great! Then after a month, he was sort of pushing for relationship, long weekend together, meeting his parents for dinner when they came to town for a visit, and that is when I started feeling pressured and started thinking of and missing my ex! Eh, going out for a night of fun with someone you are crushing on is light, carefree, and a temporary break from the monotony. Long weekends, commitment to a relationship and meeting the fam was deep, thought provoking actions that triggered a response to the situation you had recently removed yourself from. You need the light, carefree, no commitment fun that allows you space to not think about the ex, giving your heart and mind time to heal and deal, sista. 2
sunshine2 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 I wish there was a magic pill for getting over our heartache. Time and NC seem to be the only thing that works. Since this was a 6 year relationship, it will usually take more time to heal and move forward. My first husband was a drug addict and alcoholic too. I knew he had the issues before we got married, but because I was young and very naive I thought getting married, then having a family would make him stop. It didn't. He never admitted to having a problem. I had two very young children when I left him. We got married 32 years ago and divorced 4 years later. He tells our kids that he is still in love with me to this day. But he is still doing drugs and drinking, it never changed. So for me, it was the right decision to leave as I knew I couldn't live with the ups and downs of his emotional state when he was on and off drugs or drinking. And obviously love was not enough to make him stop his addiction either. Its sad, but some people never find a way out of their addictions. Take care of yourself!
MidwestUSA Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Oh, Katie, I'm so sorry. Just want to echo those who say take care of yourself. Hugs.
LostOnes05 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 You'll be alright Katie...I think you made the right decision. It stings because you cared. Sometimes cutting people out of our lives hurts but is necessary for our own personal growth (especially if the relationship is toxic and/or beyond repair). Much love and strength to you as you begin to heal. Take care!
Toodaloo Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Kate. I am going to come right out and say it. Your a numpty. Yup. Just like the rest of us you are sad over what could have been and not what was. You know this. I don't know why I am saying it. See if is "was" you wouldn't be going out with new guy and you would be all peaches and cream with the ex. So do what needs to be done. Cry. Mourn. East cake. Go for a run to burn it off again. Eat the second slice because if you are normal you will not have run further than the bus stop in the last 6 months and will need it!!! Be kind to yourself and quit thinking you have to be perfect. 5
Haydn Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Kate. I am going to come right out and say it. Your a numpty. Yup. Just like the rest of us you are sad over what could have been and not what was. You know this. I don't know why I am saying it. See if is "was" you wouldn't be going out with new guy and you would be all peaches and cream with the ex. So do what needs to be done. Cry. Mourn. East cake. Go for a run to burn it off again. Eat the second slice because if you are normal you will not have run further than the bus stop in the last 6 months and will need it!!! Be kind to yourself and quit thinking you have to be perfect. This....(loads more characters) You`ll be fine Katie.
Recommended Posts