Should I just go ahead and unfriend her on Facebook?

[Reltubsirch0412]

A week ago she was talking about us in the future tense.

 

Last Monday night, during the third date, she even wanted to sleep with me but stopped herself. Now it appears she's moved on. I'm totally confused.

 

THE BACKSTORY:

 

The first date was at a coffee shop, and we talked for two hours and enjoyed each other's company a great deal. We made each other laugh, and the chemistry seemed good.

 

On the second date we met a downtown restaurant, and it went well. I learned she was divorced two years ago. She was married to a guy for five years but had been with him for five years prior to that. She's 31. She spent almost of her 20s with one guy.

 

Her body language didn't exactly convey that she was open for a kiss, but she talked a lot about us in the future tense. I chose just the right time to go for it, and she responded very positively. We made out in the parking lot. We had our hands all over each other. We scheduled our next date for the following Monday, which was last week.

 

Between the second and third dates we texted a lot. She continued talking about us in the future tense.

 

Last Monday night, we went to another restaurant. I picked her up at her place for the first (and maybe only) time. The conversation did seem to struggle a little, but it wasn't too bad. She then broached the subject of sex. She said after her divorce she gave it up for a lot of men she dated too early and even had a friends with benefits situation with an ex-boyfriend after they broke up. But she said she doesn't do that anymore. I didn't judge her. She was making up for things she missed being married to one guy.

 

We took a nightly stroll downtown. We made out again in a secluded area where no one could see us, and this time the physical contact was a lot more intimate, but we kept our clothes on (I could be more descriptive, but this is my first post here and I don't know what is and isn't allowed). I initiated a little bit of contact at first but she was the one who stepped it up and made it even more intimate. Her body was screaming that she wanted sex.

 

I felt comfortable suggesting we go back to her place. She said "We'll see." It was Monday night. It was already past 10 p.m. and both of us had to go to work the next day. I honestly didn't think sex was going to happen for those reasons but I had to try.

 

As I dropped her off at her apartment, she did not invite me in, but we did make out for about five more minutes. It was hot and heavy, and the intimate contact continued on both our ends (and she was particularly aggressive about it). She said she REALLY wanted to sleep with me but couldn't because she had to be up early the next day for work, where she's new and still trying to make a good impression.

 

Also, she said she purposefully chose not to shave her legs earlier that evening as an insurance policy to keep from having sex with me.

 

I asked when I could see her again. She said that depended on her "social calendar" and that she would get back with me when she could. I didn't get a good feeling when she said that because it implied she might be seeing other guys. But I also knew the nature of her job requires a lot of schmoozing and socializing with people, so maybe that's what was going on.

 

I actually took that as a sign she really liked me and didn't want to ruin things by sleeping with me too soon.

 

We had really pleasant texts the next morning and also Wednesday morning, when I told her I wanted to talk on the phone when she was available. She said she was crazy/busy at work and that she'd get back to me when she could. So, for the rest of Wednesday and all of Thursday and Friday I didn't reach out and waited to hear back from her. This whole time, I felt very uneasy because I figured if she still liked me she would have set up Date#4 already. I also worried my request to sleep with her may have turned her off.

 

I played it cool for as long as I could, and, on Saturday afternoon, I sent her a Facebook email. I told her that I'm not just out to have sex with her and that I want to get to know her even more and that I totally respect her (all true). I also said I want to see her again, but if she's changed her mind about me then I wish her well.

 

She responded within an hour or so. She said she's been incredibly busy at her new job, and she sheltered herself from a lot of people in her personal life. She said she knows I respect her and that I'm a good guy and that I never did anything wrong. She complimented me for not trying to sleep with her on the very first date (which she said was unusual) and for being totally OK with her saying no to sex on Date#3.

 

She just left it at that and ended the email.

 

She made no comments about a fourth date nor did she say she wants to stop dating. I had an optimistic feeling and felt better when I first got the email — I thought I still might be in the game with her. But the past 24 hours I've re-evaluated the situation and think she either doesn't know what she wants or she's afraid to be direct with me and hurt my feelings.

 

She did tell me on Date#3 she doesn't know what she wants in a guy.

 

I'm not making any further attempts to contact this woman. She's going to have to make the next move.

 

I got back on Match and am reaching out to other women. I noticed she's active on there everyday.

 

So, what gives?

 

I'm attracted to this woman in a big way, more so than any other woman I've dated the past three years. Now I wish I knew what the hell was going on and how and why something that was going so well took a U-turn.

 

Any and all advice is appreciated.

 

(And, yes, I realize I'm probably overthinking the situation, but I'm an introvert and we overthink things. This woman, btw, is an extrovert)

Edited April 4, 2016 by Reltubsirch0412

[Grey40]

I'm in a very similar situation and just posted my own thread regarding it haha., so my advice probably isn't the best. However, if I was to guess it seems that maybe she beat herself up about being too "hot, heavy and intimate" so soon again..because it's a trap she's fallen into a lot recently, as you said. She probably thinks she already ruined it by doing that and might want to start from scratch again and not make the same mistake. Dumb? Yep. But feelings aren't logical.

[Emilia]

She is playing with you. I realise your hormones are all over the place but if you are looking for a relationship, walk away. If you are happy for casual and won't get invested, I guess you can keep trying - though I reckon she is the type that would cancell last minute.

[Kate3937]

First off I dont think you have turned her off by suggesting sex on the third date, if she doesnt want to, that is totally her call but as you have hung out few times and had some serious makeouts, I dont think it was out of the blue.

 

I am going through something VERY similar on the other side, been dating a guy, things were going amazing! Then in the span of a very short time (1 week) things started getting distant and I have no idea.

 

My guess is they are dating other people, like you said you saw her profile on match had some activity. Its such a burn esp after a few great dates, but unfortunately that is one of the cons of online or app dating, so much choice

 

I too dont want to reach out because I feel as though if they are really interested he will be in touch with me... but To be honest, I would maybe give it one more go in your situation. Suggest a day this week and just see. I dont think it will come off as desperate and will give you a little clarity if she comes back or doesnt. If she comes back GREAT! If not, NEXT

 

From someone in a similar circumstance, I wish you all the best, and not too much heart ache or anxiety as it is the worst feeling waiting to see if someone reciprocates the feelings you are hoping they have for you

[smudge21]

That's the thing with all this OLD stuff, there's too much choice. I reckon everyone on there goes in with the view to meet that one person, but quickly gets interest from lots of realises that the world is a big place. You date a few, maybe meet one who is pretty spot on and then get close... but there's still that knowledge of all the others out there, and that "what if" thinking that maybe the grass could be even greener on someone else's front lawn. Basically, it's the pick 'n mix sweet section, only for adults. We're spoilt by choice.

 

 

This girl could have any number of reasons to have backed out and you'll eat yourself up trying to think of what they were. You've made your position known and if you continue to chase, it will only push her away and lose respect for you. Fading like she is isn't right in my book, especially after all the clear signals you've had. If that's the way she's treating you now, in these early stages, then is it really someone you'd want to be with?

[Toodaloo]

She is playing with you. I realise your hormones are all over the place but if you are looking for a relationship, walk away. If you are happy for casual and won't get invested, I guess you can keep trying - though I reckon she is the type that would cancell last minute.

 

This.

 

She is keeping you as back up but has other guys sniffing.

 

Move on and don't bother.

[Reltubsirch0412]

I think the hardest part of this for me is her speaking of us in the future tense and me getting my hopes up so much. If someone likes me I don't let on that the feeling is mutual unless I really feel that way. To mislead someone like that is cruel, I think.

 

If she hadn't done that then this situation would have been way easier, and I could have moved on without much anxiety.

[smudge21]

I think the hardest part of this for me is her speaking of us in the future tense and me getting my hopes up so much. If someone likes me I don't let on that the feeling is mutual unless I really feel that way. To mislead someone like that is cruel, I think.

 

 

Totally, but some people are like that. Some don't even know they're being cruel. Some also just change their minds without a care in the world. Basically, we judge people on how we our ourselves, so although we wouldn't do these things to others, for them it can come quite easily. She could've told you that to keep you interested, make you hold off on the sex, believe that she's worth chasing, or simply that she did feel that way one moment but then changed her mind the next. People are strange.

[Kate3937]

I think the hardest part of this for me is her speaking of us in the future tense and me getting my hopes up so much. If someone likes me I don't let on that the feeling is mutual unless I really feel that way. To mislead someone like that is cruel, I think.

 

If she hadn't done that then this situation would have been way easier, and I could have moved on without much anxiety.

 

100% I know exactly what you mean. Why say it if you dont mean it? And how could your feelings change so so quickly.

 

I find it cruel too.

[joseb]

She is probably multi dating and has other options.

 

I'm also wondering if she is a bit disappointed that sex didn't happen.

[acrosstheuniverse]

I think the hardest part of this for me is her speaking of us in the future tense and me getting my hopes up so much. If someone likes me I don't let on that the feeling is mutual unless I really feel that way. To mislead someone like that is cruel, I think.

 

If she hadn't done that then this situation would have been way easier, and I could have moved on without much anxiety.

 

 

I know it hurts but honestly, for the first few months at least, you should always take words as meaningless and look at someone's actions, not throw yourself into it too early until they've proven to you that you can trust them. In the early stages people get way too carried away saying all kinds of things and most of it is just hot air, if I were you and in the dating scene I'd make a conscious effort not to pay too much attention to the future talk unless the person is discussing the next few weeks or events you're going to go to together. Anything beyond that is just emotions getting carried away.

 

So unfortunately this is down to you to protect yourself, she did nothing wrong, most people mean it at the time but just get above themselves and then when the infatuation wears off or they realise they're not that interested any longer, they drop off your radar. Stop placing so much stock in what a stranger says to you when you've literally only met them three times. That'll get you hurt again and again and again while dating.

[Grewd]

She's not ready, you made the right choice of letting her take the next step. If she's ready she will come, if not you'll just not hear from her again. If she waits too long it's her problem, the train doesn't wait forever.

 

Just let this go and continue with other things.

[losangelena]

And lol about the shaving thing. This has never been a serious deterrent when sex is imminent.

[introverted1]

Hard to tell.

 

I find it a little odd that she shared her sexual past with you on Date 2 (which was really Date #1 since the first meet-up was just an initial meet). I almost wonder if she wasn't letting you know that she was looking for a FWB, especially since she commented on your next date that she doesn't know what she wants in a man.

 

My take is that she is not ready for a quality man so you should just move on and find someone who is.

[smudge21]

I don't think she'd have told him about the hairy legs situation if she was just looking for a quick bit of fun, unless he'd put that as one of his desires on the dating site. I'm pretty sure anybody going out to get laid would make all the efforts they could to make sure it went, ahem, smoothly.

[losangelena]

If a guy was offered sex, do you really think he'd turn it down if the woman had stubble on her legs? Mmmm...methinks not. I'm not talking about a guy whose into it, I mean in a heat of the moment situation. I doubt that'd put a damper on things.

[smudge21]

If a guy was offered sex, do you really think he'd turn it down if the woman had stubble on her legs? Mmmm...methinks not.

 

It depends, I've seen films from the 70s. It's like a forest of Ents down there! But yeah, for the most part, no guys wouldn't. But I was thinking more along the lines of the woman. If she was planning on that being the end of the nights entertainment, then she probably wouldn't skip that bit of bodily care... or at the least, wouldn't bring it up in conversation. I did have one ex who told me it was time of the month during a third date...

[losangelena]

Okay, I'm talking about situations where you're not expecting the evening to go that way.

 

I have had several men laugh in my face when I bring up "oh my legs are hairy" or "I'm on my period." It's an excuse for a woman not to get close more than it is a deterrent for the man.

[smudge21]

Okay, I'm talking about situations where you're not expecting the evening to go that way.

 

I have had several men laugh in my face when I bring up "oh my legs are hairy" or "I'm on my period." It's an excuse for a woman not to get close more than it is a deterrent for the man.

 

 

Yes exactly, I see it as her "way out" in case things got heated. Of course, none of this explains why she went the way she did.

 

 

Us men can't use similar excuses, but I did once use the line "sorry, I had a strong curry yesterday and things are touch and go down there right now" as an excuse not to. Truth is, I didn't like her in that way... but thought a line about turning her into Augustus Gloop may put her off enough.

[losangelena]

LOL, well I know I'd steer clear if you said that to me!

[Reltubsirch0412]

To clarify.

 

She never told me about her sexual past until Date#3.

 

 

And I never said anything on my Match profile about wanting sex.

[Reltubsirch0412]

Also, I'm not a big drinker. She told me in a text that I seemed too innocent because of that. Of course, after our make out session she said I wasn't as innocent as she originally thought.

[Grewd]

If a guy was offered sex, do you really think he'd turn it down if the woman had stubble on her legs? Mmmm...methinks not. I'm not talking about a guy whose into it, I mean in a heat of the moment situation. I doubt that'd put a damper on things.

I imagine.

Her: I haven't shaved, my legs are hairy.

Him: What's your point? *smirk*

* takes off clothes*

 

If a woman told me she's got blue waffle (google it if you dare) that would be enough to turn me off, I wouldn't care about hairy legs on a rare occasion.

[Reltubsirch0412]

This is a follow-up to a thread I wrote last week.

 

Long story short — we dated three times, made out on dates two and three and nearly slept together on date No. 3. I really like her and she spoke about us in the future tense, which made me feel like I could put my emotional guard down. That's when feelings took over.

 

I don't know what the rules are about how descriptive I can be, but there was a lot of intimate contact on both our parts on Date. No. 3 (even though we kept our clothes on.....for the most part). She said she wanted to sleep with me as much as I wanted to sleep with her.

 

I sent her a couple of texts after Date No. 3. She responded within an hour or two. I asked that we talk by phone whenever she was free. She said she'd get back to me. After three days of waiting I emailed her on Facebook to tell her what I planned to tell her via phone —*that I hope us nearly sleeping together on Date No. 3 didn't scare her off.

 

I thought one way or the other that IF she responded she would give me some sort of definitive answer as to whether we'd see each other again.

 

Fortunately, she wrote back (again, within a couple of hours).

 

Unfortunately, her response was ambiguous as to what she wanted. She said she'd been terribly busy at work, which is why she never contacted me. She also said that I have been nothing but respectful to her, that I was a good guy and that I did nothing wrong.....and that was it.

 

Yes, I am aware I shouldn't invest myself emotionally into someone I've only dated three times (and I am going to try to work on that). And I am also aware that she's likely playing the field.

 

I've played it cool the past seven days and have made no attempt to contact her.

 

Is it time for me to unfriend her on Facebook?

 

Or would that be premature at this point?

 

She always responds when I contact her.......but she's not exactly initiating contact on her own, at least not since Date No. 3.

 

I don't want to appear clingy, and I want to project that I'm confident.

 

I am reaching out to other women on online dating (but I'm not getting anywhere).

 

Should I go ahead and unfriend the woman on Facebook?

 

My attraction for this woman is strong.

 

I have mixed feelings......given the fact that she has never ignored a message of mine, maybe she will contact me again on her own?

 

Maybe if I contact her again then she'll likely respond (possibly with more ambiguity)?

 

Or is it all a lost cause at this point?

 

I don't want to unfriend her and cut off contact with her and then regret it.

 

Is there anything I can do to salvage this situation?

Edited April 9, 2016 by Reltubsirch0412

[Reltubsirch0412]

This may be totally irrelevant. In my mind it might be relevant.

 

She was married to a man for five years and during those five years, going by her Facebook pictures, she was very overweight.

 

She won't exactly be a Victoria's Secret model, but now she's put a lot of the weight off and is very attractive.

 

Her husband left her for another woman.

 

Being overweight and being cheated on have to be demoralizing, I'm sure.

 

When the divorce happened she said she easily gave it up sexually for men on the second or third dates — but that she doesn't do that kind of thing anymore. I've read that when overweight women lose weight and start dating again that they go a little wild sexually.

 

I wonder if she's still playing the field (dating-wise) because of the weight loss and because men being attracted to her is something she hasn't experienced in a long time.

 

Again, it may or may not be relevant, but it seems relevant enough for me to bring up.

Edited April 9, 2016 by Reltubsirch0412