Learningandgrowing Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 This is kind of a long story but I'm going to try to condense it. I am 24 year olds and my ex is turning 26 in a few days. We met a little over 4 years ago on Christmas. He was in the Marines and I was only able to see him on the weekends. I was young and very much infatuated with him. For about 4 months we hung out on and off, but he was never as into me as i was him. He then moved back to Hawaii and we began becoming very close on Skype, phone, and messaging. I had a friend who lived in hawaii, i went out to visit, he met up with me, and we decided to be in a relationship. For the first year of our relationship we were long distance. Long distance made our hearts grow VERY fond of each other. He would write me the most romantic love letters and say the most romantic things to me. It was very intense. When he came home and left the military for good, we fought a little. He broke up with me within the month because he wanted to be "free". This was 3 years ago. I was heart broken because i had just waited for him for a year, and once i finally got to have a real life relationship with him he left me. I found a girl in his bed just a week later. Things got crazy, I got crazy. Within a couple of months we started hanging out again, only as friends with "benefits". For 7 months we hangout multiple times a week, but he was hanging out with other girls too and let it be known. When i would get upset he would say "we aren't in a relationship I'm allowed to do whatever i want, and if you can't handle that maybe we shouldn't be friends". It was horrible for my self-esteem and my friends and family looked down me. Finally one day I decided to move on and didn't speak to him for 10 days. At the time that was a very long time. He ended up calling me and saying he couldn't stop thinking about me and that he loved me. We got back together for 5 months. He didn't seem committed to me though and I was very insecure. He broke up with me again. This time I was very angry. He had put me through torture for 2 years. I never wanted to speak to him again. For 5 months I had his number blocked, I moved out, was seeing a new guy, getting straight A's, working 2 jobs, just so happy and so healthy. Sometimes i would unblock him for one day and I would get a text from him. Sometimes i would reply but it was very cordial and i was completely over him. Until one day when I drunkingly said "i miss you". We texted for hours on end. He came over the next day and we both cried. He said that he had had the worst 5 months of his life. That he was seeing a counselor and found out he had PTSD. He was like a new man. He said sorry for everything he had done, said he knew i was the one, even made a list of things he thought we could both work on to make our new relationship stick. He said he was in it for the "long haul". I ended up breaking up with my 5 month boyfriend and got back together with him. It was the best summer of our entire lives. We were SO in love. There was NO drama. It was perfect. Everything was perfect because of the space. He treated me so well. He wanted to prove that he was over his commitment issues by getting a place with me and buying us a dog. We moved in together. I began student teaching and he began an underwater welding program. We were VERY busy and VERY stressed. We started coming home and not even talking to each other because all we cared about was our own schoolwork. 10 months later, and about 3 weeks ago, we got in a fight. For the couple months before the breakup he started to show his old side. I kept showing him the "list" he wrote when we got back together and reminded him of everything he realized and he kept saying "that was a long time ago". He finally said "I need you to know that we want different things. I think you are heading down the road of settling down and getting married in a few years and i want you to know that I'm not ready for that in at least 10 years. This all happened so fast and i feel trapped. i need to find my happiness and be free again, I'm about to graduate which means the next step is marriage, which means kids, which means next thing i know ill be 70 and not been able to do anything i wanted to do." I wasn't even thinking about marriage, i just wanted him to be as committed as he was before. Anyways he broke up with me, moved out into his moms, I'm still in this apartment with the dog. In the 3 weeks we have been angry, been kind, had no contact, the works. But one thing that has happened over and over is every once in a while he will come over, we will cry, and he will ball his eyes out saying that he is so in love with me and that he thinks that i am his one true love and that he will never have a connection with anyone like this. I can't even begin to explain the passion, connection, and deep friendship we share. I do feel like our spirits are one. He still doesn't want to get back together though, he will not contact me for a few days out of no where, I've seen him hanging out with girls on social media, and my family HATES him for doing this to me a third time. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he is playing games and really has never cared about me or if he is just conflicted. I don't know if i should go no contact. I don't know anything . PLEASE help me.
Zahara Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I can't even begin to explain the passion, connection, and deep friendship we share. I do feel like our spirits are one. I think you're idealizing and romanticizing what you have with him. All I read here was drama and pain. A lot of push and pull -- dysfunctional behavior. Often people confuse that kind of intensity for passion and a deep connection when it's actually just toxicity and co-dependence. I don't know what to do. I don't know if he is playing games and really has never cared about me or if he is just conflicted. I don't know if i should go no contact. I don't know anything. You need to block him from your life. Remove him from any means of connecting to you. You've taught him that you will be readily available whenever he needs you as a fallback. Regardless of whether he is conflicted or if it's just a game -- it doesn't make it right nor should you be sitting around accepting mistreatment. I don't blame your family. Imagine your daughter going out with a man like him. I'm sure you'll feel the same way. 3
mightycpa Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 soul mate noun noun: soulmate a person ideally suited to another as a close friend or romantic partner. I'd have to say you're blinded by infatuation, because to hear you tell it, he's not ideally suited to you. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 1: If he really was your soulmate, you'd still be together. 2: There is no such thing as a 'soulmate'. Your 'soulmate' is the one you're with, at the time, not the one you're without. You need to go complete No Contact before he rips you to shreds. His back and forth is selfish and for his own appeasement and gratification, not yours. He comes over, gets his emotional fix, then goes again. Cut ties, go NC (See the Guide in my signature) and end this. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 He isn't your soulmate, no. He has issues that aren't going to go away unless and until he makes a concerted effort to do so. Breaking up repeatedly and avoiding commitment is a sign he's just not ready. He may have thought he was, but he isn't. That's why this list he drew up and all the things he's done to "prove" how much he loves you aren't a reflection of his true emotional investment. Hard as it is, you need to take him off the pedestal. A man who truly loves you would not treat you the way he has. Because of the push-pull dynamic, you get hooked on the "highs" but the overall tone of the relationship isn't stable or conducive to long-term happiness. You should never need to campaign for someone's love. 1
Author Learningandgrowing Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 So there is an update. He has come over since I posted this...I am weak. He kisses me, holds me, loves me, just like he is my boyfriend. I told him he needed to stop acting like my boyfriend since he isn't anymore and that it is confusing to me. He left upset and later texted me that the reason he keeps coming over and acting like that was because he was trying to "get the spark back" that he felt when we got back together last time. That last summer, when we got back together and he felt that spark, nothing else mattered and it was easy for him to commit. I didn't reply and the next morning he sent me this text: "I'm sorry for being so dramatic Today's a new day and i can't wait to see what emotions I feel today . But I know early mornings are lonely as **** when it's just you and your thoughts. I do love you and miss you and I know everything is gonna work out one way or another. The universe is not evil. Everything will come into place. I wish there was a easy solution for our and my problem. I wish I could wake up next to you and feel like I did in summer. That's all I want is to be 100% committed and devoted to you, but something is keeping me from it and I have to go on a mission and try to fix whatever is keeping me from being in that kind of relationship. That's why I left because I know it's not fair to you if I couldn't do that right now. I love you so much, and I know that this will all come in to place and we will be clear and see what needs to be done Have a good day at school. Text me later if you want.. Or I will when I get off to let you know how my day went. Talk to you later I wish we could go up in the mountains for like 4 days. Up in a cabin. No penny, no phones, no distractions.. Just us and enjoy each other and try to find what we had again. That would be so nice. Just find each other" I replied "whatever will be, will be" and then later he asked me for a longer response and i sent this "I love you. And I’m starting to understand how you are feeling inside. I was confused pretty much this whole time. Sometimes I thought I understood but I think I do completely now. It was hard for me to understand because I’m wired differently than you. I’ve stuck around in relationships before where I didn’t feel the spark anymore, but I told myself it was normal. I’m just a very loyal person and I have to be put in rock bottom in order to throw the towel in. Or maybe, I never lost that spark. I think I still felt it and I just knew there were some things that needed to be worked through for it to easily come back. I’ll just say that deep down inside of me I definitely still feel it, I’m still madly in love with you and that blissful feeling is there, it’s just out of reach because there are some issues. There’s no solution that we can figure out on our own. If that spark were to come back, it would just happen naturally. Like last time. The only thing that’s keeping me from feeling that bliss again is the fact that it only lasted probably until the school year began. That’s a scary thought. The only way I was able to feel that way with you finally was because I was confident that you were going to feel that way forever. Now I know that we have experienced it and it didn’t last very long, I know that it might not last very long if it happened again. It’s scary knowing I would always be feeling the fear of not measuring up. Thoughts of, “Does he still feel it?” would always cross my mind like it used to before this round. The thing that made me feel comfortable and blissful with you when we got back together was knowing that i could always be myself with you, finally. I could get mad sometimes, and it wouldn’t push you away. I could come home from work grumpy, and it wouldn’t push you away. I had never had that before this with you, before this round I was always feeling like I had to be the perfect girlfriend. Before I was adamant that the space we took for ourselves is what finally created that perfect relationship. And it was perfect. But if that didn’t work either, and it ended up swinging back into the same old dynamics, and if space didn’t work then I’m not sure what would. Who knows maybe if the spark did come back, you would have the desire to make it work, and we would try harder this time. I guess that’s the only thing that was missing. We thought we didn’t have to put in the work. Even now, when I picture it going back to what we had, I think that It would just be so easy and so right that we wouldn’t have to try. We wouldn’t need to reflect. I remember thinking those exact thoughts when we got back together. If a thought came up and I start looking for a solution, I would push the thought away because I thought, “Eh, it will work out on it’s own we are so in love.” I think that was the big mistake on both of our parts. We needed to keep trying, the best things in life do not come easy. But i guess this whole paragraph would be more suited if we were actually there, if we actually were at the place of getting back together. And I guess we aren’t, so it probably could have waited. And we definitely talked about this stuff when we got back together and didn’t remember it, so maybe it wouldn’t be suited for then either. All I know is I’m at a crossroads of, “If it works, it works. Stop thinking so much. It would just come naturally” and “That’s what you said last time and it didn’t work so maybe energy and thought needs to be put into this.” I think I’m leaning more toward the first though, because there’s nothing we can do to make this go away. Magic blossoming like that doesn’t require energy and thought. Keeping it is the part that requires more energy." He ended up coming over later that night and we listened to relaxing music and fell asleep cuddling. He left this morning for work and i feel so confused.
jcromp Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 This guy is going to keep playing you as long as you let him. No matter what he does, you just keep taking him back, so what motivation does he have to treat you right? It doesn't sound like you're ready to be done with him, which is a real shame. What advice are you really looking for here? 1
Author Learningandgrowing Posted April 14, 2016 Author Posted April 14, 2016 I guess the advise I'm looking for hear is to hear from an outside perspective what his intentions really are. I fall into this trap every time and I just want to make certain that it is a trap...that I shouldn't be understanding. He is so good with his words I always end up believing him
Samhain Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I guess the advise I'm looking for hear is to hear from an outside perspective what his intentions really are. I fall into this trap every time and I just want to make certain that it is a trap...that I shouldn't be understanding. He is so good with his words I always end up believing him He's had a lot of practice, the amount of times you've allowed him to do this. If he really cared about what was and wasn't fair to you, he wouldn't keep on coming back for an emotional fix and then disappear again leaving you as confused as ever. None of this is about fairness, or about you, it's about his selfishness. Saying he left because it wasn't "fair to you" and then treating you even more unfairly should have been your number one clue that this guy tells you what you want to hear in order to keep a hold over you for when he wants you as an option, not a priority. There's a saying "the one who cares the least controls the most". It's certainly true in this case. He's told you over and over he keeps on coming back and emotionally using you because he's trying to "re-capture old feelings" and "get that spark back" .. Clue number two as to why you shouldn't even need any insight into what is going on with him.. He's already told you.. He does not feel the same way that he used to, and he never felt as strongly as you did at any point anyway. He felt a "spark" at some point which is normal in most relationships, but is too emotionally immature to stay invested enough to go through the later stages that come after the initial spark. He keeps going back to you on and off because you've been an easy option and an emotional crutch for so long. It will continue until he meets somebody else who fulfills his emotionally stunted needs and will then drop you like a hot coal for good. This is behavior you are allowing. Nobody can advise you here. Your family know you much better than anybody on here does and you won't listen to them either. Notice how the only time he came back and had changed and was committed and ready to "settle" down was when you were involved in another relationship? It's a control issue. He'd lost his hold over you and you were with somebody else so he mistook regaining his ego as a romantic "spark", which obviously wouldn't and didn't last. Something that will continually repeat itself if you let it, until he moves on to someone else and leaves you feeling ten times worse. 1
Satu Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 There is no such thing as a 'Soulmate,' or 'The One.' What there is, are people who can or can't, fit together well enough to build a loving relationship that lasts. I'll leave it you to decide if you have that or not. Take care.
Zahara Posted April 14, 2016 Posted April 14, 2016 I guess the advise I'm looking for hear is to hear from an outside perspective what his intentions really are. I fall into this trap every time and I just want to make certain that it is a trap...that I shouldn't be understanding. He is so good with his words I always end up believing him Deep down you know what his intentions are -- this man has never fully committed himself to you. How is this not clear to you? The bold -- you know it's a trap otherwise it would have never crossed your mind. And the fact that you admit he is so good with his words, you already know it's just his way of scheming in and out of your life. You're looking to hear someone tell you it's all otherwise -- unfortunately, he will continue to use you as a fallback until he attaches to someone else.
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