CKO Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I broke up with my ex 6 years ago, we dated (never married) for 4 years. We have a kid together. We are on good terms now. I knew that she was seeing someone but didn't know who. I just found out last night that she's dating a friend of mine. They have been dating for 8 months. He brought her to an event last night and it was quite awkward. I'm not a fan of friends dating my ex's. I like to keep my ex and rest of my life separate but if they keep dating she will be around more. My wife isn't happy about that at all. My wife doesn't want me to have contact with her unless it involves our kid. To make it more complicated I know that my friend is cheating on her. He's said it and I've seen him. They aren't having sex (she took a year and a half to have sex with me). I cannot see him being a stepfather to my kid and I don't want him to be. I didn't know him when I was dating my ex. He didn't know she is my ex, and my ex didn't know I knew him. Because my friend didn't know she is my ex, he told me some details of the relationship I shouldn't know - like they aren't having sex. She was raped before we met and her issue with sex stems from that. I can't tell them to break up. Do I tell her that he's cheating on her? Or that I'm uncomfortable with it? Usually I wouldn't meddle in friends relationships, but this is my ex and the mother of my kid. She wouldn't be happy knowing her bf is ****ing other women.
Trishern Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 My word. That is certainly awkward. What a small world it is. I can understand how your wife feels. If I were your friend I'd break it off, but you can't control what others do unfortunately. If you tell her he's cheating will she believe, or would she think you are trying to ruin her relationship? If you know his current GF, maybe you could make it known to her anonymously, or you could also let your Ex know the same way. Mrs T
Author CKO Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 As far as I know, which isn't much, I don't think he has another girlfriend. But he is sleeping with other women. No one that I personally know. My ex and I are in a good place. I'm married, happily, and have completely moved on. I really don't know if she would think I'm just trying to sabotage the relationship. I also don't want to cause issues with the friend, we work together daily. If it wasn't my ex, I wouldn't think twice about it. But my kid and myself are somewhat intertwined in this mess. Oh the other hand, I don't know if he is aware WHY she isn't having sex with him. But it's not my place to tell him. If my ex wanted him to know she would tell him herself.
bathtub-row Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I think you should tell her what you know. It would be awful if she gave herself to a guy like this, especially if someone could have prevented it.
Author CKO Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 I think you should tell her what you know. It would be awful if she gave herself to a guy like this, especially if someone could have prevented it. I don't want to give her the wrong impression. That I'm still into her or don't want her dating someone. Maybe I'll talk to my friend about it first.
kendahke Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 My ex and I are in a good place. I'm married, happily, and have completely moved on. Then why is your wife's nose out of joint about her? You're going to be the bad guy no matter what approach you take. Decide whose bad side you'd rather be on and if you can afford the cost of being there.
Author CKO Posted April 12, 2016 Author Posted April 12, 2016 Then why is your wife's nose out of joint about her? You're going to be the bad guy no matter what approach you take. Decide whose bad side you'd rather be on and if you can afford the cost of being there. You're right. My wife thinks I should leave it alone because "who cares" about her love life. She thinks I'm going to fall for my ex if I'm around her more. My friend will probably say it is none of my business and possibly lose a friend over it. We work together daily, in a shared office. My ex may hate me for being the bearer of bad news, or think I wanted to sabotage her relationship.
O'Malley Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 With these sort of dynamics in place, I'd probably stay out of it. The odds are that this relationship already has a expiration date and will fizzle out on its own. You can care about your ex's welfare, but getting involved in this could create drama both at work and in your personal life. I'm not sure why you're worried about losing this coworker's friendship, since you don't seem to think much of his character; downgrade him to a workplace acquaintance and make it clear that you're not interested in discussing your ex with him.
lilmissjava Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Your ex and who she dates is no longer your concern. Your only concern should be the welfare of your "kid" with her and issues surrounding the child. Both of your personal lives are of no business to the other. When/if a problem arises that involves your child, then you have every right to be concerned.
preraph Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 If they're not having sex, not sure it's really cheating on her. But I do understand the bad situation. He probably feels it's not cheating since she's not having sex. Don't know what she thinks. Maybe talking to him is the right thing to do. She doesn't want to talk to you and will probably be mad you interfered either way. But he'll let her know you said something, no doubt. Still, if you think there's a chance he doesn't really care two cents about her, it's worth asking him gentleman to gentleman to get out of the picture and how you wouldn't be able to keep quiet with the mother of your child about him seeing other women if he keeps it up and so he should pack up if he's not serious about her. When she does get mad at you, you can remind her that if she didn't want you involved, which you'd rather not be, she shouldn't have dated one of your close friends. Seriously. 1
smackie9 Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 I would pull him aside and tell him he better move on or you will tell her.
Poppyolive Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 As other posters have said, what she does in her own time/life is her business, not yours. But, I see your concern, as you both have a child. If this guy is a good friend of yours, then I would have a Lil chat with him, putting it simply that you don't want the mother of your child being hurt/disrespected, as it may somehow fall onto your child that you have together. And if they becone more serious, then you would want him to fess up, because he has told you about his escapades. Surely, if he is a good friend, he will understand that, and will either cop on or move on. Your child's mom doesn't need to hear it from you. I hope your wife will understand your concern in relation to your child, and your child's mother being disrespected and hurt.
Jersey born raised Posted April 23, 2016 Posted April 23, 2016 Your wife most likely is trying to mirror what she sees as happening between your ex and you and force you to focus on her. Not a smart way to do it, but a common reaction. What she wants you to feel is what she is feeling with you being around your ex. Understand you think you only cross the line a little in the relationship with your ex, both woman may not. Your ex may view your wife as a hussy who stole you, while your wife sees your wife as a threat going forward. In life often it is not what you think and feel that matters, it is what your spouse thinks and feels that count.
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