ktragers Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I don't mean the time when he needs space or wants to hang out with his buddies. I'm talking about on the weekend when he wants to go hiking or visit museums or breweries or somewhere in particular. Of course I don't expect him to take me along everywhere he goes but we've been dating for a few months and things are getting more serious, although we haven't had the "where is this going" talk yet, so we're not exclusive or in a relationship. I'm just a bit surprised because we've talked about going hiking and some museums together at one point and we've been seeing each other every weekend. So I assume if he wants to do it some weekend he'd ask me to go with him. But obviously he's already planned on this ahead of time and told me that he has a "friend's party" on Saturday and we can hang out on Sunday. Later a friend of mine found out that he's actually going hiking and a nearby museum by himself. So I don't understand why he'd keep it a secret and be coy about it with me. Granted, I do understand that sometimes we need alone times and there are activities that we'd rather do on our own or with our friends than with our partner. I can think of a list of activities that I'd rather do with someone else and not him. I also know that when he was single he used to do all those activities alone and enjoyed it. Besides this, we get along quite well and he's always asked me out and also made home cooked meals for me several times. He also said he likes me and enjoys talking and spending time with me. Guess this episode made me question all the things he said.
CarrieT Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Are you sure he isn't multi-dating and doing these hikes or museums with someone else? 2
Author ktragers Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Are you sure he isn't multi-dating and doing these hikes or museums with someone else? Yeah, that actually was my initial gut feeling on this, otherwise I can't imagine that he'd be hellbent on having plans on Saturday that much time ahead. If he simply wants to do things on his own, it can be a decision on a whim or last minute that doesn't require much planing ahead. However, knowing him, it'd take several smaller dates (quick drinks and coffee) before he goes in for a whole day trip with someone. I don't doubt that he's still talking with people online but we've in touch almost every day and I think I can tell if he's out of touch when he's on a date with someone else. I guess whether he's going on his own or with someone else is none of my business since we're not in a relationship. It just still stings a little. I'm just not sure if I should act cool about it or bring it up how it makes me "uncomfortable."
Raena Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 It sounds like it might be a good time to have that "where is this going" conversation with him. I'm not sure how you'd bring it up, but you've been dating long enough to make a decision about whether you want to be exclusive or not. Once you know the answer to that question then you'll have your answer as to why he's going off and doing things without you. 4
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 but we've been dating for a few months and things are getting more serious, although we haven't had the "where is this going" talk yet, so we're not exclusive or in a relationship. How many months you've been dating exactly? I'd say if he did not make you his girlfriend after 1 month then he is not interested in a gf, or in you as a gf. When a man likes you he makes sure no other dudes are gonna come along and steal you from him. You are not his girlfriend so he is not treating you like one. You'd be surprised how sometimes appearances are deceiving. It may look like an exclusive relationship but it may be far from one. Yes, it's time to have a conversation on where is this going. If he answers anything about 'going with the flow', or 'being friends', or 'there is no rush', I'd terminate this if I were you. 2
Author ktragers Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 How many months you've been dating exactly? I'd say if he did not make you his girlfriend after 1 month then he is not interested in a gf, or in you as a gf. When a man likes you he makes sure no other dudes are gonna come along and steal you from him. You are not his girlfriend so he is not treating you like one. You'd be surprised how sometimes appearances are deceiving. It may look like an exclusive relationship but it may be far from one. Yes, it's time to have a conversation on where is this going. If he answers anything about 'going with the flow', or 'being friends', or 'there is no rush', I'd terminate this if I were you. Well I met him in mid-January but we started off VERY slowly and only chatted occasionally and went out every other week until about the end of February. It didn't bother me because I was kind of fresh out of the last episode of a brief "relationship" that didn't work out then so I was only bored and exploring my options. I also didn't feel too strong of an attraction toward him initially so I was happy with the slow pace. It never even occurred to me when we hadn't talked for a day or two back then. Plus, the weather was always bad back in January/February that I wasn't very active regardless. Things picked up more in March so in some ways I feel like we're still very new, despite the fact that we've been more serious about each other in the last month. I agree that appearances can be deceiving, and that at the moment he has no obligations in treating me like a girlfriend. I've just been receiving mixed advice that some say acting too eager or too controlling can ruin a good thing.
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I agree that appearances can be deceiving, and that at the moment he has no obligations in treating me like a girlfriend. I've just been receiving mixed advice that some say acting too eager or too controlling can ruin a good thing. I call it knowing what you want. It filters pretty quickly those out only to waste your time. Are you intimate? If yes then you need to know what is going on unless you don't mind he gets his fun elsewhere then comes to you. It's just being smart and safe. 2
bu2002 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 If he really likes you and sees you as GF material, he should want to hang out with you. Alone time is grabbing a beer with some buddies or playing a round a golf every now and then. It's not regularly doing date like activities without you. You need to have a sh*t or get off the pot conversation with him. 1
Author ktragers Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 I call it knowing what you want. It filters pretty quickly those out only to waste your time. Are you intimate? If yes then you need to know what is going on unless you don't mind he gets his fun elsewhere then comes to you. It's just being smart and safe. Yes we're intimate and I told him that if we're both still sleeping around I'd need to know, and he said he's not and I believe him. The last time we got together to go for brunch and a drive I mentioned that I don't want to just be his (or anybody's) sex buddy because that's not what I'm looking for and it makes me feel cheap. The reason I brought it up was because I felt like every time we see each other he couldn't wait to be make out or have sex so I wanted to make sure that's not the only thing he's looking for in me. To that he replied with a smile, "Oh, so does somebody want to be something more here? Is that what you're telling me?" I laughed and said I wanted to make sure the feelings are genuine and not just sex driven. He then said he'd love to have me as his girlfriend but he didn't want to force me to do anything I'm not ready for. Not sure exactly how to take that one. Seems to me that he's not ready to take the plunge yet but sees potential with us. Every time if I say anything with future or couple connotations he doesn't seem to want to run away or scared by it, so I guess that's good.
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) Yes we're intimate and I told him that if we're both still sleeping around I'd need to know, and he said he's not and I believe him. The last time we got together to go for brunch and a drive I mentioned that I don't want to just be his (or anybody's) sex buddy because that's not what I'm looking for and it makes me feel cheap. The reason I brought it up was because I felt like every time we see each other he couldn't wait to be make out or have sex so I wanted to make sure that's not the only thing he's looking for in me. To that he replied with a smile, "Oh, so does somebody want to be something more here? Is that what you're telling me?" I laughed and said I wanted to make sure the feelings are genuine and not just sex driven. He then said he'd love to have me as his girlfriend but he didn't want to force me to do anything I'm not ready for. Not sure exactly how to take that one. Seems to me that he's not ready to take the plunge yet but sees potential with us. ---- **Every time if I say anything with future or couple connotations ....he doesn't seem to want to run away or scared by it, so I guess that's good. ^^What do you call what he is doing now? Not inviting you to join him at a party on a Saturday night? Taking trips alone when he knows it is something you would enjoy also? Not discussing exclusivity? Edited April 11, 2016 by katiegrl
Author ktragers Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 ^^What do you call what he is doing now? Going with the flow? Haha.
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Going with the flow? Haha. LOL, yeah that rarely turns out well, for the woman anyway. I call it creating distance ... and IMO, especially this early on, is a red flag. Best of luck! 1
Author ktragers Posted April 11, 2016 Author Posted April 11, 2016 ^^What do you call what he is doing now? Not inviting you to join him at a party on a Saturday night? Taking trips alone when he knows it is something you would enjoy also? Not discussing exclusivity? Nah there was no party on a Saturday night and he said he went to a brewery alone during the day, a brewery we've been to together before. We spent the entire Sunday outdoors together, though.
katiegrl Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 Nah there was no party on a Saturday night and he said he went to a brewery alone during the day, a brewery we've been to together before. *We spent the entire Sunday outdoors together, though. Well that was nice But you said in your original post that he had a friend's party on Saturday night, but you could hang out Sunday.. But now you are saying there was no party? What did he do Saturday night? I'm confused. Anyhoo, bottom line is if you are okay with all this, then that is fine! I thought you were concerned, hence this thread, so offered my input. That's all. Again, good luck, I hope it works out!
smackie9 Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 I dated someone like this....I just dumped him. He is what he is. He isn't into sharing his life with someone, plain and simple. My husband has a friend who does the same thing and keeps getting dumped, but refuses to change. I just gave him s*&^ for it yesterday lol. He's in his damn 40's and still hasn't got off the pot!
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