Boyfriend asked for space - how long should I give?!

[i123confused]

Many valid points made in this thread but here's what it boils down to: When stressed out by life most people turn to those who they love the most that give them the support, comfort and encouragement to make it through the next next day. At the same time you seek to eliminate other sources of stress wherever possible.

 

After being in a relationship for a year I'd wonder why he feels the need to push you away during a time like this. Are you a source of comfort or additional added stress?

 

I think I was becoming a source of stress. He also said to me that as a man, he needed some time to figure his situation out on his own so he can go back to giving me the love and attention i deserve (his words). I have provided comfort and support in the past and he has received it and let me know that he appreciates it.

 

He did leave two very sweet comments on my social media last night. Not sure if it was his way of letting me know that I am still on his mind... trying not to read too much into it though.

[i123confused]

I would be concerned that after a year together, he is pushing you away while under stress. As the previous poster said, people in relationships rely on each other and see each other as a source of relief from the stress. It's unusual that he would completely disconnect from you for this long. I would reconsider the strength of your bond and what the future would look like with someone who runs away when stressed rather than runs towards me for comfort.

 

I also find it odd that you only saw each other once every week or 2 weeks after almost a year together. Have you spent the night with him? Him with you? Have you taken trips together?

 

This is the first time he has asked for space, and I think it's due to the gravity of his stress and the fact that I kept calling/texting in the days before. I hate to admit it to myself, but I can get caught up in my partner's problems and start to make them my own. They are his to solve and I have been using this time to detach a little and focus on myself.

 

We have taken trips together and stayed with each other. On days I couldn't stay, I would drop off dinner at his work.

[Lady2163]

I'm going to be in the minority here, but this sets a bad precedent. Part of being in a relationship is letting people in. I know you're not married, but for better or for worse comes to mind.

 

Being in a ltr, a committed relationship does mean you surrender some autonomy. If a couple has children together, "needing time and space" may be limited to a bathroom break with a favorite magazine.

 

Emotional secure grown ups don't push people away for a undetermined time period.

 

He has all the control. You're just waiting for him to call. That is cruel.

 

I believe you when you say he is going through a lot of stress. But I also believe your description that you have tried to help and be supportive.

 

I'm not sure you can anticipate his needs. While he may have dozens of questions thrown at him, the best thing you can do once contact is resumed is to ask him if there is anything you can do to help make his day easier - and ask it often.

 

Again, I don't think space or breaks are very loving behaviors. I don't do well with being in limbo and I do even worse when someone who supposedly "loves" me can go days without talking to me. I realize with social media he may keep informal tabs on you, but still what if you were sick, injured or had an emergency and he is taking space?

 

For me it is a matter of depending on someone to be there and be solid.

[i123confused]

I'm going to be in the minority here, but this sets a bad precedent. Part of being in a relationship is letting people in. I know you're not married, but for better or for worse comes to mind.

 

Being in a ltr, a committed relationship does mean you surrender some autonomy. If a couple has children together, "needing time and space" may be limited to a bathroom break with a favorite magazine.

 

Emotional secure grown ups don't push people away for a undetermined time period.

 

He has all the control. You're just waiting for him to call. That is cruel.

 

I believe you when you say he is going through a lot of stress. But I also believe your description that you have tried to help and be supportive.

 

I'm not sure you can anticipate his needs. While he may have dozens of questions thrown at him, the best thing you can do once contact is resumed is to ask him if there is anything you can do to help make his day easier - and ask it often.

 

Again, I don't think space or breaks are very loving behaviors. I don't do well with being in limbo and I do even worse when someone who supposedly "loves" me can go days without talking to me. I realize with social media he may keep informal tabs on you, but still what if you were sick, injured or had an emergency and he is taking space?

 

For me it is a matter of depending on someone to be there and be solid.

 

Thank you. I have been thinking similarly as well, especially the part of how is he OK not talking to me if he loves me. I guess he and I have different coping mechanisms. I do know that depending on how our conversation goes when we do talk, I need to decide what's healthiest for me. I can't be so supportive of him that I neglect my own needs. I asked him not to push me away, but if he's in "survival mode" then it may be an unintended consequence.

[whichwayisup]

He is temporarily supporting his parents/siblings. I don't want to abandon him through this rough time, but I also don't want to ignore my own needs. Not sure where to draw the line.

 

He is asking for space, that's not abandoning him, it's respecting his desire to not focus on you and the relationship for a little while. I know you're hurting but right now it seems he's stressed out, enough that he ended up in the hospital and can't deal with much else other than going to work and helping his family during their tough times.

 

Don't freak out so much. Just ask him to keep in touch out of care and respect, and that you'll be there for when he is ready to talk. It's hard to do but keep yourself busy and be with your friends, your family and just have faith that once he is feeling less stressed you two can be together again.

[whichwayisup]

Thank you. I have been thinking similarly as well, especially the part of how is he OK not talking to me if he loves me. I guess he and I have different coping mechanisms. I do know that depending on how our conversation goes when we do talk, I need to decide what's healthiest for me. I can't be so supportive of him that I neglect my own needs. I asked him not to push me away, but if he's in "survival mode" then it may be an unintended consequence.

 

You have to understand this. Most men who go through tough times want to be on their own and DO NOT want to talk about it. Don't make this about you and don't be hurt. Many men have trouble coping with their emotions and if he's feeling blah, he sorts it out by thinking and working it out by himself. You may not like that but it's who he is, accept it and just give him the space he needs. don't call and check up on him. He knows you're there and knows you love him.

 

Now you can put a time limit on this and say that you'll only put up with it for so long (hopefully it won't be more than a few weeks or so) but if he's thinking 2-3 months then you think about walking away and tell him to contact you only IF he's ready to invest in you.

[i123confused]

You have to understand this. Most men who go through tough times want to be on their own and DO NOT want to talk about it. Don't make this about you and don't be hurt. Many men have trouble coping with their emotions and if he's feeling blah, he sorts it out by thinking and working it out by himself. You may not like that but it's who he is, accept it and just give him the space he needs. don't call and check up on him. He knows you're there and knows you love him.

 

Now you can put a time limit on this and say that you'll only put up with it for so long (hopefully it won't be more than a few weeks or so) but if he's thinking 2-3 months then you think about walking away and tell him to contact you only IF he's ready to invest in you.

 

Thank you, great advice! I gave myself a time period of two weeks. I am unsure on how to approach him once the two weeks is up though. How should I bring it up? Ask for an update?

 

I have been reminding myself that it is not personal, although I do miss him dearly.

[Lady2163]

In my opinion only, this man is not marriage material or baby making, spend the rest of your life material. If either of those are goals of yours, then you need to reevaluate the relationship as well.

 

If you know you want the whole package - marriage, motherhood and mortgage (the 3Ms), then I don't know if this is the man for you. Grown ups don't get to take breaks when life hands them crap. This is part of being in it for the long haul.

 

I implore you NOT to waste time if his long term goals don't match up to yours. The chances are slim you will change him.

 

I'm not sure if I would have been a good,parent, but I wasted too much time with incompatible men. I look back and while my dislike of them has mellowed, I still resent the fact I let them waste 12 years of my life. I wish I'd had a voice in my ear saying, "not the one for you and you know it!"

[whichwayisup]

Thank you, great advice! I gave myself a time period of two weeks. I am unsure on how to approach him once the two weeks is up though. How should I bring it up? Ask for an update?

 

I have been reminding myself that it is not personal, although I do miss him dearly.

 

You're welcome.

 

In 2 weeks you email him and just ask how he's doing and that you hope he's coping okay. Don't ask to get together or an update...Asking for an update will come off as you pushing.

[Lady2163]

The more I think about this, the more I don't like it. I realize you are just dating, but this guy needs "space" and doesn't seem to have a time frame.

 

It's just so wrong to put you in limbo. It strikes me as very selfish - and I do believe he is going through a lot.

 

Only you can decide how long you are willing to be in limbo. I just know I wouldn't sit at home waiting for him.

 

Again, I believe the events in his life are real and serious. I just want to make sure you aren't making this guy a priority when to him you're an option or an afterthought.

[preraph]

80 hours a week is a lot of work and stress. He simply doesn't have any energy left over right now for a relationship. He can't deal with all the pressure of everything all at once, and I know that feeling. So he's pared it all back to a manageable place where he can try to figure out what to do one thing at a time.

 

You should continue giving him space. He at least gave you a nod on Facebook, so that's what he's capable of right now. Just stay with his level for awhile. Don't start ramping it up. I know you have needs too, but this is NOT the time to start demanding he acknowledge those. Give him as much time as he needs. At the end of it, see how it goes, whether he plunges all in to the relationship like he probably is his work right now, or if she tries to pull back. At that point you can remind him you have some needs too and see if you two can agree on a compromise in the middle that makes you both happy or not.

 

I really just think he's overwhelmed and stressed out and is compartmentalizing to deal with one thing at a time, nothing to worry about. Use this time to go out with girlfriends and do stuff you rarely get to do.

[i123confused]

I am back here because I am too emotional to think logically and I need clarity.

 

UPDATE: It's been three months since my boyfriend said he needed space. I've only seen him a handful of times during this period. He still says he needs space.

 

He said he's depressed and needs to solve his problems. Two days ago he told me again that "he wants to be alone" until his problems are solved and asked me if I could "just wait it out" with him and that I'm "seeing the worst side of him" and how he is not his normal self.

 

He also said that he hates that he is hurting me and that if it's too much for me then I should do what's best for me. (aka, leave. But, he doesn't want to break up). In person, however, he his sweet, normal self and we have a great time.

 

I feel torn because while he is clearly telling me that he can't give me what I need right now, I also feel like if I leave I am abandoning him when he is in a really low place. My brain is telling me "Don't be stupid, take care of yourself". My heart is telling me not to give up, especially since he has treated me SO well over the past year. It really is so different from the man I know.

 

On the other hand, it's been three months and each day is excruciating for me. He doesn't want to see me and I don't want to break up over text. But I really can't take another second of this.

[Redhead14]

Thank you, great advice! I gave myself a time period of two weeks. I am unsure on how to approach him once the two weeks is up though. How should I bring it up? Ask for an update?

 

I have been reminding myself that it is not personal, although I do miss him dearly.

 

If you don't hear from him at least before that 2 week "grace" period, you call him, you explain how much it hurt you to be shut out and if he is asks to "resume" the relationship, you tell him that you understand that there are things that he may need to deal with on his own, but you will not tolerate extended periods of being pushed away. If in the future he feels the need to "cave", he needs to let you know why and promise to keep in touch while he does what he needs to and see you at least once during that period and, if it's going to be a two week stretch, you won't be there when he finally comes up for air. You will not put your romantic life on hold for anyone.

 

While it is true that you should not take it personally, the reality is that if a man pulls away for that length of time and cuts you out completely, it means that his emotional investment/connection is at best weak with you. I'd suspect that you have felt that way through the course of the relationship anyway. A man may pull away briefly at times, women do this too sometimes, but he/she will share their partners about the difficulties.

 

Generally, if a man disappears like this for two weeks, he's already checked out of the relationship. Since this is the first time apparently, I'd talk to him, tell him "where" you are on the matter and observe carefully from that point on. If he pulls away often, even for short periods, there's something else going on that is above your skill set to deal with and you shouldn't bother.

[ExpatInItaly]

I am back here because I am too emotional to think logically and I need clarity.

 

UPDATE: It's been three months since my boyfriend said he needed space. I've only seen him a handful of times during this period. He still says he needs space.

 

He said he's depressed and needs to solve his problems. Two days ago he told me again that "he wants to be alone" until his problems are solved and asked me if I could "just wait it out" with him and that I'm "seeing the worst side of him" and how he is not his normal self.

 

He also said that he hates that he is hurting me and that if it's too much for me then I should do what's best for me. (aka, leave. But, he doesn't want to break up). In person, however, he his sweet, normal self and we have a great time.

 

I feel torn because while he is clearly telling me that he can't give me what I need right now, I also feel like if I leave I am abandoning him when he is in a really low place. My brain is telling me "Don't be stupid, take care of yourself". My heart is telling me not to give up, especially since he has treated me SO well over the past year. It really is so different from the man I know.

 

On the other hand, it's been three months and each day is excruciating for me. He doesn't want to see me and I don't want to break up over text. But I really can't take another second of this.

 

Re-read this part.

 

You tried. I think you've been very patient but you've reached your limit. It's not abandoning him when he's clearly told you he cannot give anymore.

 

What steps has he taken to rectify his personal situation? if you don't know, or if he simply hasn't done much of anything, that would inform my choices moving forward.

 

Depression is a truly terrible struggle. I think he is being honest with you in the sense that he's really experiencing some emotional turmoil inside himself. Sometimes it really is better to be apart, so you're not left in limbo indefinitely.

[KatZee]

Move on. Seriously.

 

Word for word it sounds like the load of horse crap my ex gave me.

 

"Stress" "problems" "need to work through it" "need to be alone while I figure it out" "don't want to lose you" "still love you."

 

It's all garbage. You've waited long enough. You should never wait for anyone, PERIOD. But you gave him a bit of room, he's still gone. You're wasting your time. Your emotional energy. He's not worth this much anguish.

 

In my case, my boyfriend at the time was actually cheating on me with someone else. He wanted to keep me on that back burner just in case it didn't work out. He'd have that leeway to come back and be like, "Hey! problems are now fixed, stress is over, wanna get back together?!"

 

I actually found out he was cheating, so he never got the opportunity to come back. I cut him off REAL fast.

 

Regardless of what he's doing, you're not his priority. You're not top level of importance anywhere in his life, meanwhile you're making him 500% importance, cut it out.

 

Just fade off. Don't contact him ever again.

[stillafool]

Move on. Seriously.

 

Word for word it sounds like the load of horse crap my ex gave me.

 

"Stress" "problems" "need to work through it" "need to be alone while I figure it out" "don't want to lose you" "still love you."

 

It's all garbage. You've waited long enough. You should never wait for anyone, PERIOD. But you gave him a bit of room, he's still gone. You're wasting your time. Your emotional energy. He's not worth this much anguish.

 

In my case, my boyfriend at the time was actually cheating on me with someone else. He wanted to keep me on that back burner just in case it didn't work out. He'd have that leeway to come back and be like, "Hey! problems are now fixed, stress is over, wanna get back together?!"

 

I actually found out he was cheating, so he never got the opportunity to come back. I cut him off REAL fast.

 

Regardless of what he's doing, you're not his priority. You're not top level of importance anywhere in his life, meanwhile you're making him 500% importance, cut it out.

 

Just fade off. Don't contact him ever again.

 

OP, listen to this^^^^^. I wouldn't be surprised if this guy isn't seeing someone else while keeping you on the backburner. It's too much time with no contact which says he doesn't miss you.

[elaine567]

Thank you, great advice! I gave myself a time period of two weeks. I am unsure on how to approach him once the two weeks is up though. How should I bring it up? Ask for an update?

 

I have been reminding myself that it is not personal, although I do miss him dearly.

 

On the 12th of April you gave him two weeks but now it is the 1st July and you are still hanging in there...

There is "space" and there is "space". This is a joke.

Move on, you no longer have a bf.

If he is that mentally ill then do you really want to stay with a man who excludes you for months on end? and if he is not ill but playing silly games then you do not need that in your life either?

Time to call it a day.

 

I would be surprised if there is not someone else involved here. He may in fact be married. Does the "family" he is "helping out" include a wife and kids...

[basil67]

What would happen if the two of you were living together or married? Posters talk about guys needing alone time to process, but a man can't very well shut out a live in partner during this time.

 

I don't think it bodes well for him as marriage material.

Edited July 1, 2016 by basil67
clarity

[MissBee]

The thing is, in relationships one doesn't get to simply press pause or a freeze button and pick back up whenever one feels like. This is selfish.

 

I understand stress and needing space. But if you value and care for someone you're not absolved of being a decent person and giving them something to go on. You cannot be in a relationship and ask for ambiguous space and expect someone to not hear from you in a month, two, three whenever.

 

Space is like a weekend to gather yourself, anything longer requires a reassessment of what you both need and it's okay to decide that you cannot give the relationship attention now. What is not okay is to put it on ice only on your end or to expect that the person should sit around waiting for whenever you're able to invest again. Relationships don't have "breaks." You are together or you break up and being together requires some type of mutual care and respect and communication even amidst stress. But you cannot simply press pause on it for an indefinite period where you are focused only on you and are giving nothing to the relationship but expect you should still have it and the person should just still be there carrying the whole relationship. That is not how a relationship works.

 

Newsflash, life is hard and in a long term relationship or marriage, shyt will constantly come up. You can take a couple days for yourself to process, but you cannot simply put your marriage on "pause" where you just ignore your spouse or go live in the mountains indefinitely and expect that you all will pick up back at YOUR choosing in some random future time. In relationships that are committed, you have to constantly juggle multiple responsibilities, including your relationship, and in good relationships people don't shut their partners out because of stress or take indefinite periods of space to where their SO has no clue if they are still together or when they'll hear from them again. This is someone who isn't ready for balancing life and a relationship.

 

I would reach out and ask him when you can expect to be in contact again a. However, you have needs you can and should assert too. Of course we can cut partners slack when they are stressed, but stress doesn't excuse neglect or abuse or things of that nature. Relationships are choices we make to respect and value our SO and ourselves and the minute their problems and their life forces you into the backseat, to where you are no longer team mates and partners, but you're some person they put on pause for an indefinite period while you stress yourself out, then it's time to reassess.

Edited July 1, 2016 by MissBee

[katiegrl]

Move on. Seriously.

 

Word for word it sounds like the load of horse crap my ex gave me.

 

"Stress" "problems" "need to work through it" "need to be alone while I figure it out" "don't want to lose you" "still love you."

 

It's all garbage. You've waited long enough. You should never wait for anyone, PERIOD. But you gave him a bit of room, he's still gone. You're wasting your time. Your emotional energy. He's not worth this much anguish.

 

In my case, my boyfriend at the time was actually cheating on me with someone else. He wanted to keep me on that back burner just in case it didn't work out. He'd have that leeway to come back and be like, "Hey! problems are now fixed, stress is over, wanna get back together?!"

 

I actually found out he was cheating, so he never got the opportunity to come back. I cut him off REAL fast.

 

Regardless of what he's doing, you're not his priority. You're not top level of importance anywhere in his life, meanwhile you're making him 500% importance, cut it out.

 

Just fade off. Don't contact him ever again

 

I vote for this^^.

 

And please PLEASE don't ever agree to anything like this again.

 

If a man needs "space," you respond, "sure take all the space you need, how about forever. Take care and wish you the best. Buh Bye."

What this bozo is doing is absolute BS.

 

I'm sorry

 

Best of luck moving forward....

[gaius]

I was down in Tampa a few weeks ago filling in working 6 days a week, probably 12-14 hour days and I still called my girlfriend at least every night, if not during my lunch break as well. And I drove 4 hours home then 4 hours back the next day so I could spend my one day off in 2 weeks with her. That's what it looks like when a guy loves a woman and is working 80 hours a week.

 

I can tell you right now i123, if you don't respect yourself guys aren't going to love you and hanging around after you've been dumped just hoping some day he'll come back = no respect for yourself.

[katiegrl]

I was down in Tampa a few weeks ago filling in working 6 days a week, probably 12-14 hour days and I still called my girlfriend at least every night, if not during my lunch break as well. And I drove 4 hours home then 4 hours back the next day so I could spend my one day off in 2 weeks with her. That's what it looks like when a guy loves a woman and is working 80 hours a week.

 

I can tell you right now i123, if you don't respect yourself guys aren't going to love you and hanging around after you've been dumped just hoping some day he'll come back = no respect for yourself.

 

Well let's face it, your gf is special, everyone here knows that!

 

But in all seriousness.... you are right gaius, that is precisely how a man in love behaves no matter how many hours he works!

 

The OP's ex (I say ex cuz he is NOT her boyfriend and hasn't been for a long time) is stringing her along on the backburner....

 

My guess is there is another woman somewhere he actually deems his real girlfriend, who he spends time with, goes on dates with, is having a RL with.

 

Keeping OP around in case it doesn't work out....

 

Because I don't wish to be suspended... I will refrain from saying what I actually think of this bozo.

[GravityMan]

3+ months of "space"? Yeah, right.

 

"Space" of any length is a serious red flag that something is wrong with the relationship. Regardless of reason. It doesn't matter how dire or demanding or stressful his work or family situation is.

 

The above doesn't just apply to romantic relationships. It also applies to friendships and to one's immediate family.

 

If he truly loved you and cared about you OP, then the LAST thing he would do is ask for space. Even if he's working 80-100 hours per week in a sweatshop, even if he's helping to take care of his parents, even if he's struggling to put food on the table and keep a roof over his head. He would not hesitate to move heaven and earth in order to at least spend SOME time with you, even if it's just once every two weeks. And nobody on Earth is so busy (unless he works for the NSA or is actively deployed on the battlefield) that they don't have time to have at least a short phone call with their significant other every 1-2 days.

 

People (including those of iffy character) are emotionally wired to want to spend some time with those they truly care about. Not avoid them. And when things get tough...then more than ever they want the TLC and support of their GF/BF/spouse and others dear to them.

 

I don't think you and your BF are right for each other, OP.

[i123confused]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. My brain needed that extra push because it has been taking a backseat to my emotions.

 

I have ended it with him.

 

I know that I will be okay and that it was the best decision, without a doubt. But I am still heartbroken.

[Zahara]

Thank you to everyone who took the time to respond. My brain needed that extra push because it has been taking a backseat to my emotions.

 

I have ended it with him.

 

I know that I will be okay and that it was the best decision, without a doubt. But I am still heartbroken.

 

When my ex asked for space because he was stressed, depressed, busy, etc., I gave it to him. I soon realized he needed space from me. He was just too much of a coward to end it. I had to pull the plug.

 

You did the right thing. It's going to hurt but it won't always be this way. Be prepared for him to maybe swing around again -- stay the course and don't get sucked back in again. Focus forward.