Boyfriend asked for space - how long should I give?!

[i123confused]

Quick back story: my boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. In the past few weeks he has been experiencing a large amount of stress (issues outside our relationship). I was patient and tried my best to be supportive.

 

Last Saturday he was a bit distant. I let it go since we had plans to meet on Sunday after work. Sunday rolls around and I didn't hear from him the whole day. I was so worried and concerned, called a bunch of times and no answer. Monday I called him and he said he was in the hospital due to stress/dehydration. He called me again on Monday night (after he got off work at 11 pm)... he said he was sorry for standing me up. I said he should have at least let me know what was going on as soon as he was able to. But then, he said "I love you and miss you very much, but I just need some space/time to figure my problems out" and when I asked him of he wanted to break up, he said no, but that he didn't want me to call him. I said I loved him and would give him space if that's what he needed.

 

It's now Saturday and I'm getting a bit worried. I haven't gotten a single text, call, email, nothing from him. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I known I should wait for him to come to me, but at what point do I stop waiting? Is it OK for me to call him and ask him how much more time he needs? I'm starting to feel like maybe he did want to break up and didn't want to deal with the extra stress. I understand needing space, but not even a quick hello to check in? He has never acted like this before. I'm almost positive (can never say never though) that there is no other girl... just the stress of financial/legal issues. He's a great man, honest and caring and hardworking. It's extra hard for me right now because we already only saw each other once a week/once every 2 weeks due to our alternating work schedules.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

[ExpatInItaly]

I can understand needing alone time if someone is experiencing extreme stress. Many people need to work out their problems on their own, which can't always be done if they're trying to devote time and attention to the relationship too.

 

However, the circumstances here are odd. You said you called Monday and he'd been in the hospital - when? Sunday or was he still there on Monday? It seems bit strange to me that he was hospitalized but then went to work on Monday. Did you gather any more details?

 

Also, him expressly telling you not to call is concerning. What type of legal and financial trouble is he in, exactly? I would not let this drag out much longer. I have also dated someone under extreme stress, but he was open about his problems and kept me in the loop as to what was happening. Needing some breathing space is one thing. But not being able to communicate what is going on and leaving you essentially hanging is another.

Edited April 9, 2016 by ExpatInItaly

[stillafool]

Quick back story: my boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. In the past few weeks he has been experiencing a large amount of stress (issues outside our relationship). I was patient and tried my best to be supportive.

 

Last Saturday he was a bit distant. I let it go since we had plans to meet on Sunday after work. Sunday rolls around and I didn't hear from him the whole day. I was so worried and concerned, called a bunch of times and no answer. Monday I called him and he said he was in the hospital due to stress/dehydration. He called me again on Monday night (after he got off work at 11 pm)... he said he was sorry for standing me up. I said he should have at least let me know what was going on as soon as he was able to. But then, he said "I love you and miss you very much, but I just need some space/time to figure my problems out" and when I asked him of he wanted to break up, he said no, but that he didn't want me to call him. I said I loved him and would give him space if that's what he needed.

 

It's now Saturday and I'm getting a bit worried. I haven't gotten a single text, call, email, nothing from him. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I known I should wait for him to come to me, but at what point do I stop waiting? Is it OK for me to call him and ask him how much more time he needs? I'm starting to feel like maybe he did want to break up and didn't want to deal with the extra stress. I understand needing space, but not even a quick hello to check in? He has never acted like this before. I'm almost positive (can never say never though) that there is no other girl... just the stress of financial/legal issues. He's a great man, honest and caring and hardworking. It's extra hard for me right now because we already only saw each other once a week/once every 2 weeks due to our alternating work schedules.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

I'm a person who gets stressed out by too much contact with people so I kind of know how he feels. I would give him a month and then get back to him. Discussing things and answering your questions is stressing him out. He probably has alot of other things on his mind as well.

[i123confused]

I can understand needing alone time if someone is experiencing extreme stress. Many people need to work out their problems on their own, which can't always be done if they're trying to devote time and attention to the relationship too.

 

However, the circumstances here are odd. You said you called Monday and he'd been in the hospital - when? Sunday or was he still there on Monday? It seems bit strange to me that he was hospitalized but then went to work on Monday. Did you gather any more details?

 

Also, him expressly telling you not to call is concerning. What type of legal and financial trouble is he in, exactly? I would not let this drag out much longer. I have also dated someone under extreme stress, but he was open about his problems and kept me in the loop as to what was happening. Needing some breathing space is one thing. But not being able to communicate what is going on and leaving you essentially hanging is another.

 

 

Thank you. The hospital incident also baffled me. Here's what happened: Sunday morning he went to work, started to feel unwell, and passed out. His coworker took him to the hospital- he was given fluids due to dehydration and told to rest. He has been working 80+ hour weeks and was suffering from exhaustion. He was home the same night and slept everything off. Monday morning he had to go to work and work a double shift because he couldn't afford not to miss work. (He is helping to support his family of 6).

 

In the past year he has never given me any indication of being shady or dishonest. He usually is upfront with his limitations and is open and honest and about his feelings. He usually makes a point to always check in on me and ask how I am.

 

While I can't get into his legal issues, I do know that if they are not resolved, we definitely won't be able to be together (he didn't do anything crazy or criminal). I just don't think he can handle me being sad on the phone or asking when I will see him again and it is causing him additional stress that he can't deal with right now.

 

Should I wait another week? I'm not sure if should break that "let him come to me" rule and contact him to ask for an update. It's hard not to take it personally, even when I know that it's not personal. I don't have an issue being alone, hanging with friends, being independent, etc. ... just having a hard time with the sadness and the confusion/fear of not knowing if this is how it ends. Up until this point we have been pretty serious and discussed marriage.

 

For reference, we are both in our early 30s.

[Arieswoman]

OP, Why is he "helping to support his family of 6" ?

[Poppyolive]

Sounds like he is going through a lot. The 80 hour week would finish me off. He has asked for space and you know why, so why not give it to him and wait? Or, if you don't want to wait, don't, and move on. At the end of the day he is doing what he needs to do right now. You, too, need to do what you need to do, but, I wouldn't badger him.

I know it must be frustrating waiting to hear from him. I would have a tough time waiting too. But, you can't make him give/do anymore than what he is willing to do right now. If that doesn't line up with what you want, then you have to process that and take the necessary steps for you.

 

If this was my situation, I wouldn't call. I would honour what he asked for. If I didn't hear at the 2 week mark, I would ask to meet, I would explain the hurt/frustration, yet understanding of his situation. Gauge what he says, at that point make the decision to remain in the relationship or not.

 

It boils down to how long you're willing to wait/give space. You can't make him do anything. If it doesn't line up with what you want and need, then you'll need to process that.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you. The hospital incident also baffled me. Here's what happened: Sunday morning he went to work, started to feel unwell, and passed out. His coworker took him to the hospital- he was given fluids due to dehydration and told to rest. He has been working 80+ hour weeks and was suffering from exhaustion. He was home the same night and slept everything off. Monday morning he had to go to work and work a double shift because he couldn't afford not to miss work. (He is helping to support his family of 6).

 

In the past year he has never given me any indication of being shady or dishonest. He usually is upfront with his limitations and is open and honest and about his feelings. He usually makes a point to always check in on me and ask how I am.

 

While I can't get into his legal issues, I do know that if they are not resolved, we definitely won't be able to be together (he didn't do anything crazy or criminal). I just don't think he can handle me being sad on the phone or asking when I will see him again and it is causing him additional stress that he can't deal with right now.

 

Should I wait another week? I'm not sure if should break that "let him come to me" rule and contact him to ask for an update. It's hard not to take it personally, even when I know that it's not personal. I don't have an issue being alone, hanging with friends, being independent, etc. ... just having a hard time with the sadness and the confusion/fear of not knowing if this is how it ends. Up until this point we have been pretty serious and discussed marriage.

 

For reference, we are both in our early 30s.

 

This is pretty vague so it's hard to give feedback, but perhaps whatever is happening legally has reared its head and he knows you won't stay together anyway. Can you give us a general idea?

 

Also, you say he's is supporting a family of 6. Do you mean he has children, or is he supporting parents/siblings?

[i123confused]

OP, Why is he "helping to support his family of 6" ?

 

His father lost his job, so he is temporarily helping his parents and much younger siblings.

[i123confused]

Sounds like he is going through a lot. The 80 hour week would finish me off. He has asked for space and you know why, so why not give it to him and wait? Or, if you don't want to wait, don't, and move on. At the end of the day he is doing what he needs to do right now. You, too, need to do what you need to do, but, I wouldn't badger him.

I know it must be frustrating waiting to hear from him. I would have a tough time waiting too. But, you can't make him give/do anymore than what he is willing to do right now. If that doesn't line up with what you want, then you have to process that and take the necessary steps for you.

 

If this was my situation, I wouldn't call. I would honour what he asked for. If I didn't hear at the 2 week mark, I would ask to meet, I would explain the hurt/frustration, yet understanding of his situation. Gauge what he says, at that point make the decision to remain in the relationship or not.

 

It boils down to how long you're willing to wait/give space. You can't make him do anything. If it doesn't line up with what you want and need, then you'll need to process that.

 

Thank you. I agree... I need to determine how much is too much for me to handle. At this point I feel that I am unable to draw the line between being the supporting girlfriend and weathering the storm, and knowing when to let go.

[i123confused]

This is pretty vague so it's hard to give feedback, but perhaps whatever is happening legally has reared its head and he knows you won't stay together anyway. Can you give us a general idea?

 

Also, you say he's is supporting a family of 6. Do you mean he has children, or is he supporting parents/siblings?

 

He is temporarily supporting his parents/siblings. I don't want to abandon him through this rough time, but I also don't want to ignore my own needs. Not sure where to draw the line.

[Gaeta]

What are his legal problems?

 

What country are you from?

 

The only circumstances I can imagine where an employee would work 80 hours a week, end up at the hospital, then go back to work immediately with no consequences for the employer, is if he's an illegal worker.

 

If he is illegal in your country, if he has to work 80 hours at $4 an hour to put food on his family's table then you need to leave him alone. He's dealing with 'surviving'. He is in no position to talk about your 'feelings'.

[i123confused]

What are his legal problems?

 

What country are you from?

 

The only circumstances I can imagine where an employee would work 80 hours a week, end up at the hospital, then go back to work immediately with no consequences for the employer, is if he's an illegal worker.

 

If he is illegal in your country, if he has to work 80 hours at $4 an hour to put food on his family's table then you need to leave him alone. He's dealing with 'surviving'. He is in no position to talk about your 'feelings'.

 

We are in the U.S. He isn't illegal or working illegally. His place of employment is understaffed and he voluntarily picking up extra shifts at different locations to help his family- his regular schedule is 40 hours.

 

Good point about survival though- thank you.

[katiegrl]

In the US, there are many folks (blue color jobs mostly) who choose on their own accord to work double shifts. 80 hous per week. One of my brothers is a mechanic at a large corp ($25 per hour) who chose to do this for awhile. Pulling in in excess of $100k per year.

 

The US just made it mandatory for employers to provide three paid sick days to all employees, but once those are used up, no more sick time for the rest of the year.

 

Of course most employers offer much more than that, 1-2 weeks paid sick time but it is not mandatory they do that..

 

If an employee went to hospital and chose to work immediately after, that is his choice.

 

And if he/she needs the money and has no more sick time, that is precisely what they choose to do in many cases.

 

In any event, OP, IMO you don't have much choice here.

 

He asked for space, you graciously give it to him.

 

At least he communicated to you what he needed.

 

Many men just ghost leaving their gfs to think god only knows what.

 

You wait as long as you are comfortable waiting.

 

Assuming you trust him and believe he is being honest about this, if it were me, I would check in with him in two weeks to see how he is feeling.

 

It does sound like he is dealing with quite a lot right now. And with you constantly asking "when will I see you" probably wasn't helping.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

Edited April 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[i123confused]

In the US, there are many folks (blue color jobs mostly) who choose on their own accord to work double shifts. 80 hous per week. One of my brothers is a mechanic at a large corp ($25 per hour) who chose to do this for awhile. Pulling in in excess of $100k per year.

 

The US just made it mandatory for employers to provide three paid sick days to all employees, but once those are used up, no more sick time for the rest of the year.

 

Of course most employers offer much more than that, 1-2 weeks paid sick time but it is not mandatory they do that..

 

If an employee went to hospital and chose to work immediately after, that is his choice.

 

And if he/she needs the money and has no more sick time, that is precisely what they choose to do in many cases.

 

In any event, OP, IMO you don't have much choice here.

 

He asked for space, you graciously give it to him.

 

At least he communicated to you what he needed.

 

Many men just ghost leaving their gfs to think god only knows what.

 

You wait as long as you are comfortable waiting.

 

Assuming you trust him and believe he is being honest about this, if it were me, I would check in with him in two weeks to see how he is feeling.

 

It does sound like he is dealing with quite a lot right now. And with you constantly asking "when will I see you" probably wasn't helping.

 

Good luck and keep us posted!

 

Thank you for your kind words that's exactly the situation he's in re:working a lot. I am not ready to throw in the towel yet. I will wait a little longer and think about what I am willing to put up with.

[Gaeta]

Even if Canada and the US are similar in many ways sometimes our differences can be major. Here anyone working over 40-45 (depending in what field you are) extra hours have to be paid salary X 1.5. No employer would allow someone to work 80 hours a week.

 

So OP's boyfriend's dad lost his job. Don't you have unemployment insurance if you are let go? Or some type of pay compensation if you have been working there for a number of years?

[katiegrl]

Even if Canada and the US are similar in many ways sometimes our differences can be major. Here anyone working over 40-45 (depending in what field you are) extra hours have to be paid salary X 1.5. No employer would allow someone to work 80 hours a week.

 

So OP's boyfriend's dad lost his job. Don't you have unemployment insurance if you are let go? Or some type of pay compensation if you have been working there for a number of years?

 

The US pays overtime also, time and a half, over 40 hours per week. Federal law.

 

Many large corps allow employees to do this, especially when short staffed, but even when not short staffed.

 

As I said, blue collar jobs (manufacturing, factory workers) ...it is very common here.

 

Plenty of work to be done!!

 

ETA: Unemployment insurance pay is so little, it is impossible to support yourself, let alone a family of six on that.

Edited April 9, 2016 by katiegrl

[i123confused]

The US pays overtime also, time and a half, over 40 hours per week. Federal law.

 

Many large corps allow employees to do this, especially when short staffed, but even when not short staffed.

 

As I said, blue collar jobs (manufacturing, factory workers) ...it is very common here.

 

Plenty of work to be done!!

 

ETA: Unemployment insurance pay is so little, it is impossible to support yourself, let alone a family of six on that.

 

 

Yup. It's not for me to judge how necessary it is to help his family. It's his money and I am happy that he is a caring and kind person.

 

Starting to feel sad again & missing him. A test of strength to get through the next week.

[AndOrchid]

Quick back story: my boyfriend and I have been dating almost a year. In the past few weeks he has been experiencing a large amount of stress (issues outside our relationship). I was patient and tried my best to be supportive.

 

Last Saturday he was a bit distant. I let it go since we had plans to meet on Sunday after work. Sunday rolls around and I didn't hear from him the whole day. I was so worried and concerned, called a bunch of times and no answer. Monday I called him and he said he was in the hospital due to stress/dehydration. He called me again on Monday night (after he got off work at 11 pm)... he said he was sorry for standing me up. I said he should have at least let me know what was going on as soon as he was able to. But then, he said "I love you and miss you very much, but I just need some space/time to figure my problems out" and when I asked him of he wanted to break up, he said no, but that he didn't want me to call him. I said I loved him and would give him space if that's what he needed.

 

It's now Saturday and I'm getting a bit worried. I haven't gotten a single text, call, email, nothing from him. I feel like I'm losing my mind. I known I should wait for him to come to me, but at what point do I stop waiting? Is it OK for me to call him and ask him how much more time he needs? I'm starting to feel like maybe he did want to break up and didn't want to deal with the extra stress. I understand needing space, but not even a quick hello to check in? He has never acted like this before. I'm almost positive (can never say never though) that there is no other girl... just the stress of financial/legal issues. He's a great man, honest and caring and hardworking. It's extra hard for me right now because we already only saw each other once a week/once every 2 weeks due to our alternating work schedules.

 

Any advice is greatly appreciated.

 

He was very clear about his situation and what he needs right now. It sounds like these are extreme circumstances and given what he is going through, your needs sort of pale in comparison and will have to take a backseat or you would be adding more stress to his life and pushing him away.

 

I'm sure it's not easy but if, like you say, you are serious about each other and you trust him, then the best thing you can do is to respect his wishes and give him the space he needs. Since you two don't see each other that often, a week of no contact does not seem that bad. The good news is that he already gave you a lot of reassurance of his feelings so hopefully you can hold on to that when tempted to call him. I would be prepared for this to take another few weeks but hope you hear something sooner!

[Raena]

Even if Canada and the US are similar in many ways sometimes our differences can be major. Here anyone working over 40-45 (depending in what field you are) extra hours have to be paid salary X 1.5. No employer would allow someone to work 80 hours a week.

 

So OP's boyfriend's dad lost his job. Don't you have unemployment insurance if you are let go? Or some type of pay compensation if you have been working there for a number of years?

 

Here in the US some employers do allow their workers to work 80 hours, even with overtime and double time pay. It depends on the company and what their needs are at the time.

 

OP, I don't know how long I'd wait if I were you. He's not in a good place to date right now and who knows when the stress will die down. He may not come around any time soon or he could show up tomorrow. You just don't know. I'd give it about a month and if you still haven't heard from him, move on.

[Jersey born raised]

Hi,

 

Perhaps you can do little things that ease his load. One of the things I liked about my ex (she stopped right after we married) if I was working on a saturday she would show up with lunch. I never asked her sometimes she stayed sometimes she ate with me. The first time was a really pleasiant surprise. If you do this do not plan on staying. Simple hand him the food, a peck on the cheek and leave.

 

I am the type when I am ill I want to hide and be left along. So what do you do in this type of person. Don't ask me, just heat some soup or make me a sandwich, perhaps give me a kiss on the cheek and leave. Don't look for a thank you until I am well.

 

Send him a text with just a joke. With a note that says "saw this and thought you might like it. Have a great day". Do not press him for a reply. To press for a response it will push him away.

[Jersey born raised]

Also read up on the five love languages. http://www.5lovelanguages.com/

[i123confused]

Hi,

 

Perhaps you can do little things that ease his load. One of the things I liked about my ex (she stopped right after we married) if I was working on a saturday she would show up with lunch. I never asked her sometimes she stayed sometimes she ate with me. The first time was a really pleasiant surprise. If you do this do not plan on staying. Simple hand him the food, a peck on the cheek and leave.

 

I am the type when I am ill I want to hide and be left along. So what do you do in this type of person. Don't ask me, just heat some soup or make me a sandwich, perhaps give me a kiss on the cheek and leave. Don't look for a thank you until I am well.

 

Send him a text with just a joke. With a note that says "saw this and thought you might like it. Have a great day". Do not press him for a reply. To press for a response it will push him away.

 

 

Thank you for the advice. I tried a few things like that - bringing dinner, making a funny list oof his good qualities, etc. A week ago he asked me not to call though, so we have had zero contact, which is now making me worried. I woke up this morning feeling so sad. Hope I can makeep it through the next week without contacting him.

[ExpatInItaly]

Thank you for the advice. I tried a few things like that - bringing dinner, making a funny list oof his good qualities, etc. A week ago he asked me not to call though, so we have had zero contact, which is now making me worried. I woke up this morning feeling so sad. Hope I can makeep it through the next week without contacting him.

 

You need to decide where your own limit is, too.

 

He's within his rights to ask for space, of course. Only you can figure out how much you're able to give. There's no doubt he's going through a lot, based on what you wrote. This might not be the right time to have a relationship if he's not able to really participate in it, whatever the circumstances are.

[Yookie]

Many valid points made in this thread but here's what it boils down to: When stressed out by life most people turn to those who they love the most that give them the support, comfort and encouragement to make it through the next next day. At the same time you seek to eliminate other sources of stress wherever possible.

 

After being in a relationship for a year I'd wonder why he feels the need to push you away during a time like this. Are you a source of comfort or additional added stress?

[hippychick3]

I would be concerned that after a year together, he is pushing you away while under stress. As the previous poster said, people in relationships rely on each other and see each other as a source of relief from the stress. It's unusual that he would completely disconnect from you for this long. I would reconsider the strength of your bond and what the future would look like with someone who runs away when stressed rather than runs towards me for comfort.

 

I also find it odd that you only saw each other once every week or 2 weeks after almost a year together. Have you spent the night with him? Him with you? Have you taken trips together?