elizabetk Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Hi everyone, thanks for taking the time to read and respond! Some of you might have read some of my previous posts and could remember the back story but for those who don't (in fact, apologies for assuming anyone does), I will try to briefly summarise it before bringing up my current matter. My boyfriend (30) and I (23) have been together for a few months now, have a committed relationship and he has gone to great lengths to make marriage/engagement suggestions. We both feel very happy with one another and this seems to be The Relationship for both (we have had our share of experience). He works in Investment Banking and is very good at his job, after a business trip to NYC he was offered a better position than current one in London. I am aware it is something he has been hoping for and hence I didn't even think twice before saying he should take it. Yet, he was more concerned about what it means for us, how do I feel, etc. and ultimately, he asked if I would consider moving countries with him. Career wise, a move like that would be perfectly fine for me - even if it takes a few months to transition and find the right job, money would not be an issue. Another thing is that he insists on supporting us fully but understands my professional life makes me happy and therefore supports it. A move like this would mean I am further away from family (who do not live in Britain to begin with, but a couple hours on a plane is better than 12 hours on a plane) and friends. Although it is a worrisome aspect, I am not too concerned about that as I adapt easily, travel often and already have some close friends in the US. I am not even contemplating having a LDR, as we spend a lot of time together and crave each others presence. Dynamics could change as we have not officially moved in (more of a semantic really) but we tend to get along amazingly and both are very busy. Yet, moving abroad for love (I must include that living in NYC has always been a dream of mine) is a big step for any relationship, especially a relatively new one. Sorry for rant - what do you guys think? Have you ever moved abroad for love?
ff12343 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 If this relationship is still "fresh", then it's a rash move to make. Might want to think about it yourself. I assume few months meaning 2-4?
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Dating for about 3 months means you are both still on your best behaviour, i.e. the honeymoon phase, so you have not had a chance to see the real man yet. If you do decide to move then make sure you have a very good exit strategy planned. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. I just have the feeling here that this guy is just too good to be true and the fact he has always gone on about pregnancy and marriage, just makes me a little nervous for you. He has hurried along this relationship almost from day one and now wants you to follow him to NYC after 3 months... It is all very flattering I am sure, but is it real? Just be very careful. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/574002-am-i-being-abused-so-lost - how a "beautiful man" can change so quickly. Look up "love bombing" too. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Before even considering the relationship aspects, consider the logistics. I have moved abroad too and it's no small task. What type of visa will you apply for? You will of course require permission to reside in the US, if you are not a citizen. Your boyfriend is in a different position as he has a job offer and therefore visa support. Have you checked out the employment market for yourself? I would recommend you contact an immigration lawyer (if you haven't done so already) just to get a sense of what you will need to do to gain entry and residency. The details and process of relocating in a foreign country can be draining. Beyond that, I'm not sure a couple of months of dating is enough to make such a big change. Whatever you do, have a Plan B for yourself. I did the same when I moved abroad (Canada to Italy) and I moved alone. It's only wise to have a back-up plan in case things don't work out.
Author elizabetk Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Before even considering the relationship aspects, consider the logistics. I have moved abroad too and it's no small task. What type of visa will you apply for? You will of course require permission to reside in the US, if you are not a citizen. Your boyfriend is in a different position as he has a job offer and therefore visa support. Have you checked out the employment market for yourself? I would recommend you contact an immigration lawyer (if you haven't done so already) just to get a sense of what you will need to do to gain entry and residency. The details and process of relocating in a foreign country can be draining. Beyond that, I'm not sure a couple of months of dating is enough to make such a big change. Whatever you do, have a Plan B for yourself. I did the same when I moved abroad (Canada to Italy) and I moved alone. It's only wise to have a back-up plan in case things don't work out. Thanks. I don't have to apply for a visa for traveling as I was born in the US and have a dual passport. Moving would truly not be that big of a change for me too, I have been considering doing a Postgrad in Columbia for a few years now but work has always been on the way. As I work in banking myself, I could just relocate offices. Dating for about 3 months means you are both still on your best behaviour, i.e. the honeymoon phase, so you have not had a chance to see the real man yet. If you do decide to move then make sure you have a very good exit strategy planned. Do not put all your eggs in one basket. I just have the feeling here that this guy is just too good to be true and the fact he has always gone on about pregnancy and marriage, just makes me a little nervous for you. He has hurried along this relationship almost from day one and now wants you to follow him to NYC after 3 months... It is all very flattering I am sure, but is it real? Just be very careful. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/574002-am-i-being-abused-so-lost - how a "beautiful man" can change so quickly. Look up "love bombing" too. Thanks! I am definitely keeping my wits about him but to be fair, I now know his friends and family, we have similar social circles etc. For good or for bad, he has been completely open and honest about what he wants from the start - I am sure it could be rather shocking for some but I feel comfortable. Plenty of time to consider my options, and again NYC would not be a big life changer for me as I currently live in London and have If this relationship is still "fresh", then it's a rash move to make. Might want to think about it yourself. I assume few months meaning 2-4? Thanks. It will be four months in a couple of weeks, by the time we move it would be close to 10 months together.
len51 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I used to spend my summers working in London. I worked for a British company in the US and they required that I spend two months a year working in their headquarters to gain experience. Plus I was one of their highest placed employees, second only to the President of the company, and wanted me learn more about how they did things there and tell them how we operated in the US. I did like England and London but the flats are small and very expensive. It was nice to spend a few months each year but I would not want to live there. I also worked in Italy and Hong Kong. I loved Italy and would enjoy working in one of the small towns on the side of a mountain. I can if I want to because I work from anywhere there is an internet connection but I can find small towns and quaint towns in the USA too. I have been to 21 countries and I guess the US is still the best choice for me. I think everyone should visit other countries to see how they take for granted things that others do not. You can try it. You have nothing to lose but as you know, 80% or more LDR never work out. I have never seen one work for anyone I know. It is important to have physical contact to produce all those good brain chemicals that emotionally bond you together and promote love and intimacy. I tried a LDR once and after 6 months she was having sex with other guys. Tried it a second time and same thing but that time we both cheated. I would never relocate for love again. I have seen it work out but usually only when the couple moves to the US from another country. My co-worked relocated to Hong Kong and then we had to bring him back because his wife was unhappy. They did get divorced shortly after. Another executive in our company had to be brought back to the US for the same reason and they got divorced shortly after. I had accepted a relocation to Texas during my second year of marriage. My wife was very young and not as socially experienced as I was so while I had people I knew from my job, she had no friends and was away from her friends and family for the first time in her life. After two years I too had to ask my company to relocate me closer to NYC, which they did. It is difficult enough to keep a relationship going without adding the additional stress of living in a new place, far from home and with a different culture. Some make it work and enjoy it but that is because both of them are into doing it and not one of them having to do it or lose their partner. Your call.
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 How long have you been dating exactly? If he is not ready to marry you then don't uproot your life for him. I moved 2000 miles away for a man but he married me first. We had been dating 3 years when we moved away and it was not easy. You end up in a place with no social circle, no family, you only have each other to rely on and it can become very heavy. You need a solid relationship for it to work.
thefooloftheyear Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 No....Tell her to call a moving company.....I dont want to blow my back out.... TFY
carhill Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 OP, if you have a mobile career and it wouldn't take a substantial hit moving across the pond, IMO live a little. It's far easier to do now at 23 and unencumbered than later in life. Things might go swimmingly with your current guy or you might meet someone new or you might enjoy NYC for awhile and then move on, either back to London, or to Asia, Oceania, anywhere. There are no rules other than what you choose to do. Change, and any mistakes made along the way, are far easier to process when young. I dated internationally as a younger man and ex-pat was always on the table. Had I moved, it would have been both for person and for culture, meaning I loved the person and the cultural fabric of where I moved to. We each define our parameters and reasons differently. If this feels right to you, that's your answer. 2
Author elizabetk Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 OP, if you have a mobile career and it wouldn't take a substantial hit moving across the pond, IMO live a little. It's far easier to do now at 23 and unencumbered than later in life. Things might go swimmingly with your current guy or you might meet someone new or you might enjoy NYC for awhile and then move on, either back to London, or to Asia, Oceania, anywhere. There are no rules other than what you choose to do. Change, and any mistakes made along the way, are far easier to process when young. I dated internationally as a younger man and ex-pat was always on the table. Had I moved, it would have been both for person and for culture, meaning I loved the person and the cultural fabric of where I moved to. We each define our parameters and reasons differently. If this feels right to you, that's your answer. Thank you! Truly helpful advice. It feels like the right choice, I have a degree from Ivy League/Russell Group university and a mobile career - to be fair there is no reason not to move as I love NYC and feel a bit tired of London. To be honest, I probably wouldn't have thought of moving at this point if it wasn't for my partner's job offer but then again, there is nothing truly holding me back here (in fact I am an ex-pat myself). I used to spend my summers working in London. I worked for a British company in the US and they required that I spend two months a year working in their headquarters to gain experience. Plus I was one of their highest placed employees, second only to the President of the company, and wanted me learn more about how they did things there and tell them how we operated in the US. I did like England and London but the flats are small and very expensive. It was nice to spend a few months each year but I would not want to live there. I also worked in Italy and Hong Kong. I loved Italy and would enjoy working in one of the small towns on the side of a mountain. I can if I want to because I work from anywhere there is an internet connection but I can find small towns and quaint towns in the USA too. I have been to 21 countries and I guess the US is still the best choice for me. I think everyone should visit other countries to see how they take for granted things that others do not. You can try it. You have nothing to lose but as you know, 80% or more LDR never work out. I have never seen one work for anyone I know. It is important to have physical contact to produce all those good brain chemicals that emotionally bond you together and promote love and intimacy. I tried a LDR once and after 6 months she was having sex with other guys. Tried it a second time and same thing but that time we both cheated. I would never relocate for love again. I have seen it work out but usually only when the couple moves to the US from another country. My co-worked relocated to Hong Kong and then we had to bring him back because his wife was unhappy. They did get divorced shortly after. Another executive in our company had to be brought back to the US for the same reason and they got divorced shortly after. I had accepted a relocation to Texas during my second year of marriage. My wife was very young and not as socially experienced as I was so while I had people I knew from my job, she had no friends and was away from her friends and family for the first time in her life. After two years I too had to ask my company to relocate me closer to NYC, which they did. It is difficult enough to keep a relationship going without adding the additional stress of living in a new place, far from home and with a different culture. Some make it work and enjoy it but that is because both of them are into doing it and not one of them having to do it or lose their partner. Your call. Thanks. Britain is not my home and as an ex-pat and someone who has grown up traveling, the move itself and getting used to the culture (not that different and quite accustomed to it already) would not be an issue. Partner is British but he also has friends in NYC, we would not have the pressure of depending solely on one. We are both invested in this relationship and could definitely see it working.
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