loveplease123 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control. we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend. and he was so mad that he bitch slapped me once and choked me for a couple of seconds. i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go? he is truly sorry for hitting me. my parents took my phone and read my messages and found out he slapped me and called him to threaten to call the cops but he apologized over and over again please help
LD1990 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 So you blew off your boyfriend who you live with to go cheat on him with an ex? I guess the "right" answer would be no, violence of that sort is never okay. But I certainly get why he responded that way. You two should go your separate ways. There are some things couples shouldn't try to come back from. Cheating and violence towards each other are two of those things. You're never gonna fix this relationship. 14
lolablue17 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Your Bf has apologized for the actual moment, in which he lost his temper and slapped you. In my eyes there is nothing for you to forgive. The question is - either you believe it's a one time event, or maybe he has a tendency to violence in his character. But the bigger question is "does he forgive you for your cheating"? You don't make each other happy. You only make each other to show the unflattering side for both of you. Love is suppose to be a great thing, not the thing you made out of it. 1
Author loveplease123 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 I know it is not justified but I just want to know if there is any possible way to ever make it work. Or at least not end on such terrible terms.
Author loveplease123 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 I believe it was a one time event, because I did the thing that would piss him off the most. Nothing is worse than cheating with an ex.
LD1990 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I know it is not justified but I just want to know if there is any possible way to ever make it work. Or at least not end on such terrible terms. Make it work? No. He's never gonna trust you again. Every time you have to change plans or come home late, he'd be wondering if you were hooking up with an ex. And your parents are always gonna see him as the guy who hit their daughter. Not end on such terrible terms? You two can have a picnic before you go your separate ways, but the end result is the same. 9
dreamingoftigers Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Honestly. It's not okay. I don't believe you "deserve" the violence. I say that hesistantly, however. Having been cheated on, I did NOT react well. It awakens something so deeply primal that I am not sure to what measure most people could control that. I think you have no idea how much you have screwed with his head. There are people on this forum for years out that still have major issues because of their cheating SOs. Let him go. You aren't married, have no kids to worry about, and at this point you've pretty much torched any foundation of the relationship, no matter if he tries to hold it together or not. 7
SammySammy Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Just go your separate ways. Both of you should forgive each other, but neither of you should tolerate what happened. This relationship is over and you killed it. He just put the final nail in the coffin. Time to accept it and move on. 5
lolablue17 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I believe it was a one time event, because I did the thing that would piss him off the most. Nothing is worse than cheating with an ex. Can you put some more info\background\reasons about your cheating?
elaine567 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control. we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend. and he was so mad that he bitch slapped me once and choked me for a couple of seconds. i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go? he is truly sorry for hitting me. my parents took my phone and read my messages and found out he slapped me and called him to threaten to call the cops but he apologized over and over again Two huge issues, both of which have betrayed trust. He won't be able to trust you not to cheat, and you won't be able to trust him not to hit you. Yes the violence was due to provocation, but that provocation is still there, you still cheated and that fact cannot be erased. Triggers in him are your problem here. If he triggers over some maybe unrelated event, then you may be the target of his aggression again. You cheating will eat him up and the worry that he could hit you again will eat you up. It is not worth it. Short relationship, no kids -> walk away. It didn't work out, put it down to experience.
keiji Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 He might as well have kicked a chair or thrown your purse out the window out of frustration. I don't think it's a normal reaction. When I discovered my ex-wife was cheating, I simply felt disappointed and extremely sad. Rage came later on, but I was never aggressive to anyone. I honestly think your relationship is doomed. Now you have what are probably the worst elements against you: unfaithfulness and violence. Even if they were isolated episodes, I don't think that makes up for a healthy relationship, now or in the future. Why did you cheat anyway? Are you sure you love him? Or at least do you love him enough? 3
Clockwork Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Flip it around. If you caught him cheating can you slap him? Would that make it right? The answer is no. However...............let's face it, the fact that you got slapped is the least of your problems right now. You just dropped a bombshell on him and while he shouldn't have done that you obviously opened up a really nasty side that would be inside of anyone. The woman he loves cheated on him. Yeah, a lot of guys would react that way. It doesn't make it right but you did worse. Maybe the two of you shouldn't be together.
RocketQueen Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 It is never right to hit your partner. It is never right to cheat on your partner- regardless of gender. I would be asking why you cheated, was your relationship in trouble?. Although its never right to hit someone it was a knee jerk, instantaneous reaction if what you say about your boyfriend is true but once done it can't be taken back... When someone cheats there is generally a time (I would think, I've never cheated) that you ask yourself whether you should continue and have the chance to say no or stop it. That for me is the bit I would always come back to.
Timshel Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control. we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend. and he was so mad that he bitch slapped me once and choked me for a couple of seconds. i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go? he is truly sorry for hitting me. my parents took my phone and read my messages and found out he slapped me and called him to threaten to call the cops but he apologized over and over again please help No. You do not deserve to be hit, ever, by anyone. Leave him for good and do not go back. No. 3
LivingWaterPlease Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 my boyfriend is a very CALM person. he would never ever raise a hand to anything and he is always under control. we've been together for almost 2 years now and live together so it's safe to know how well i know his personality i cheated on him with my ex, when i was supposed to meet up for dinner with my boyfriend. and he was so mad that he bitch slapped me once and choked me for a couple of seconds. i was just wondering if i should ever forgive him for that, or should i let it go? he is truly sorry for hitting me. my parents took my phone and read my messages and found out he slapped me and called him to threaten to call the cops but he apologized over and over again please help He'll hit you again. Whether or not you cheat again. I would walk away and never look back. I would do the same if I were a guy and a woman hit me. I would also not continue with a person who cheated on me. Live and learn. Violence and cheating are the worst. 4
Rachel39 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 The worst 2 things that could happen in a relationship there is no going back with either. You can't of wanted to be with him otherwise you wouldn't of cheated. He has hit you which is just as bad. Somethings you can work on in a relationship but unfortunately these aren't them
ExpatInItaly Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 No, him hitting you wasn't okay. And you cheating wasn't okay. This relationship is done. But out of sheer curiosity, why did your parents take your phone to begin with? Something must have tipped them off that there were problems. 1
mightycpa Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) Maybe you did deserve it. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world. In other cultures, you would have been killed, stoned, or had some body part cut off, even by your own family. You're clearly still alive, you have all of your body parts and are not disfigured. Apparently, your psyche has withstood the onslaught of being []slapped and choked without crumbling and without the need for therapy to help you cope. I'm a little taken aback by the knee-jerk reactions of people who say that violence is never an option. Of course it is. That's why it exists, and the threat of violence holds others back from doing all sorts of awful things. Besides, for all we know, you could overpower him if you wanted to; there's no reason for us to believe that you're a helpless victim. Maybe you can kick his ass, and you allowed him this moment. I don't know. I guess the bigger question is whether anything says forever like cheating and hitting. I'm sure there's a lot of ways to say it better. Only you two can decide whether you can live with what transpired. I guess the thing you need to come to terms with is why you wanted to have sex with the ex. In the long run, the answer to that question will mean a lot more to you than whether your bf might rage on you again the next time you cheat on him. Edited April 9, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
mightycpa Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 No, him hitting you wasn't okay. And you cheating wasn't okay. This relationship is done. But out of sheer curiosity, why did your parents take your phone to begin with? Something must have tipped them off that there were problems.I was wondering the same thing. I also wondered what they thought of you having sex with an old bf for fun.
gimlynick Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 No you did not deserve to be hit, nor did he deserved a cheating girlfriend... For him this will be more of a trauma then for you. One of my best friends had exactly the same thing... He was 3 years together with a girl who cheated multiple times on him in that timeframe, when he found out ( he found out in the worst possible way... She was not showing up for a date, he went to her house and found her in bed with another guy ), he gave her a punch ( a real one ), broke her nose and went home, crying. He said sorry aswell, paid all the costs and you know what... They didn't see eachother for 2-3 years and afterwards they came back together. Now they are allready happy together for another 3 years, they are building a house and everything is better then ever before. So maybe you 2 should go your own way right now, because you both did something to eachother that needs time to heal. Afterwards, when time has healed your wounds, there can be a 2nd chance. Good luck
jen1447 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Less a question of do you deserve to be hit as will you tolerate being hit, IMO. If you allow that him hitting you was ok for whatever reason, that'll set a precedent for the future. What neither you nor anyone "deserves" is to be a victim of routine abuse, regardless of whatever bad things you may have done that would seem to arbitrarily equal the bad-ness of hitting someone. It's up to you to enforce that tho. Anyone who takes a swing at me better hope they knock me out on the first punch bc they're getting their butt kicked otherwise. But you can also not tolerate it by walking away cold (ending the relationship - and any further contact whatsoever) or pressing charges against him, etc. Whatever it is, just stand up for yourself. 3
carhill Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 OP, IMO he was wrong to hit and choke you and now you know his limit to calm processing. He's responsible for his actions. You're responsible, solely, for deceiving him and having relations with an ex while exclusively with your BF. I hope this was a valuable life lesson for both of you. IME, it's usually unhealthy to head down the 'whoever cares least' road, as that's how folks end up in the ground or in the oven. Healthier is communication and respect. Sounds like you're young since your parents are involved so take this life lesson, store it away, learn from it and move forward. 2
losangelena Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Maybe you did deserve it. It's not like it's the worst thing in the world. In other cultures, you would have been killed, stoned, or had some body part cut off, even by your own family. Ehn, I don't know. Honor killings and maiming exist, therefore it's ok that you got slapped and choked? Cheating isn't considered a crime, but assault is. I'm not saying that what she did was right, or that her BF isn't right to be mad. He should absolutely dump her, but justifying assault because women in other parts of the world get killed for such transgressions seems like a pretty thin (and disturbing) argument. 2
Author loveplease123 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Thank you everyone for the advice. A little background on everything, I'm a 21 y/o and this is my last sem in college, and I'm going to medical school next year. My parents are still very protective of me (they're making me move out of the school and live at home, since it's close to the university I attend). My boyfriend (or ex, now) was so furious when he found out that he called my parents to tell them the entire situation about how I met up with my ex, came home at 5am, drink and party instead of going to school, etc. My parents are now worried about everything, not to mention that he threatened me and told me to watch out because more is coming. Also, he bitch slapped me when I denied cheating (I am still denying it, even he said there is no proof) and then he only choked me for a little because I tried to hug him while he was mad (stupid, I know). I am not the type of person to cheat, and I never would have thought I would do such a thing EVER. I was so so so happy in my relationship, however his priorities are different than mine. He is focusing on school/his career, while I'm just breezing through life as I found out I got into medical school and it's my last semester in college. So all he wants to do everyday is stay home, and he wants me to stay home with him because he can't go out. This is when I started thinking about my ex and comparing them, things my ex would've done etc and started realizing that I miss my ex. When I went to see him twice, I was extremely drunk both times that I barely remember anything. He also told me he cheated on me over the summer (don't know if this is true or not) after he found out about everything. The thing now is that he's kinda threatening me to reveal all my secrets, etc. He's already called my parents to get them involved with the whole situation, who knows whats gonna happen next yknow? He also threatened my best friend (who was an "accomplice" in the whole situation) and said he'll make sure she will get her job offer revoked...... and now my bff is mad at me for bringing her into this whole situation. My parents think i only met up with my ex, but they told me I shouldn't just go to an ex because I'm lacking something in my relationship. He continuously apologized to my parents for hitting me (they called him and yelled at him). To be honest, I've hit him multiple times, but he's never hit back. But the hits weren't anything like his hits (obv he's a guy so much stronger) and I was scared to hit back or do anything after that because he just seemed completely different. I just ran off and hoped for him to calm down. I'm so sorry for the long post. Thanks to everyone who made it through the whole thing!
Author loveplease123 Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 When he was extremely mad, he also said he would "release my naked pics" and "ruin my life," "make sure my life is a living hell" and yesterday he reminded me again that he was going to seek revenge, little by little. I am honestly appalled by how immature he is being but at the same time I am extremely worried. Going to the police probably won't help, I was thinking is there ANY possible way to make him not threaten me? I'm really worried about what he might do to me, especially if he already called my parents and involved them in this whole thing! Also, my ex told me he's willing to speak to him to calm him down with this whole thing. Ofc he's not going to say that we did anything, he said he will deny and try to make him calm down. I'm not sure if that's a good idea, but what do you guys think?
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