Sadmomof2 Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Hi everyone, My husband and I have been married for 5 years. It's never been great, but it's never been this bad either... I'm 30 years old, he's 34. We have a 2 year old son with minor special needs, which I'm confident he'll overcome with the therapies he's getting. He has no behavioural issues and he's actually a very easy toddler. I am the main breadwinner (by far) and as such I work much longer hours than my husband. The money is never an issue in our marriage. I truly do feel that it's shared and he has as much right to spend it as I do. Even though my commute is almost 2 hours some days and his is literally 3 minutes away, I still drop our son off at daycare every morning to avoid my husband complaining about how "he does it all." My husband picks him up almost everyday at 4, and I am home by 6 or 7 p.m. My husband is EXTREMELY resentful for this. He always throws it in my face that he has to make dinner every night, and he's with my son for 3 hours sometimes before I'm home. When I suggest finding a new job, he says NO. My husband is the type who just likes to complain without doing anything to fix the problem he's complaining about. I think he loves our son but he HATES taking care of a toddler. We no longer have sex (haven't in a very long time) and now we don't even share a bedroom. It takes effort for us to be civil, and I find myself blowing up at my husband in front of my son, which I hate. My husband refuses to wake up on the weekends and help or participate. After working 80+ hour work weeks (commute time included), I am up myself with our son every single Saturday and Sunday. He has NEVER gotten up with our son. My husband is never around. He will finally wake up at 11 a.m. or 12 p.m. just in time for my son to have lunch and then go down for a nap. It's like he goes out of his way to avoid spending with us. The reason my husband sleeps in so late is because he stays up late drinking every night by himself. It's not uncommon for him to drink 6 beers by himself and then go to bed at 1 a.m. We NEVER do anything as a family. If my son and I go somewhere and my husband is awake, he will make an excuse not to go - like he has to clean the house, or do work. He also goes out with his friends A LOT. He is gone probably 3-4 nights per week, sometimes he doesn't bother coming home. What is most infuriating is my husband has a completely distorted view of reality. When I calmly try to tell him how his drinking, sleeping in, and lack of family time bother me, he denies it and claims he does not drink that much, sleep in and he spends lots of time with us. He actually uses the line "I'm not sleeping on the weekends. You guys are so loud in the morning I can't sleep." ----- UMMMM but you're still in bed!! It's less painful trying to reason with a brick wall.... We're at the point where we don't even talk to each other, unless it's to fight or something we need to discuss about our son. But even those conversations about my our son are few and far between. I feel like he can't be bothered to care about anything about my son. He doesn't know about doctors appointments, nursery school times, play dates etc etc. I have been going to counselling off and on for a year, and my husband has FINALLY agreed to go with me... let's see if he actually shows up though. I'm at the point where I no longer love him, like him, find him attractive or desirable. The only thing keeping me from not divorcing him is our son. My husband will fight me for custody, and he will probably get joint. I do not trust my husband to take care of my son alone for days and nights at a time. My son also really likes my husband and he can be a good day when he makes an effort. Sometimes I just wish my husband was dead. I know that sounds horrible but I think both my son and myself would be much better off. I would not hesitate to have an affair with someone if the opportunity arose, because honestly our marriage is already over, and we have no trust, communication or respect for each other. I wouldn't even feel guilty. I don't know what to do and I don't know what is in the best interest of my son. Sorry for this novel, and thanks to anyone who read it.
BuddyX Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 First of all, Do Not Have an affair. And do not get pregnant. Second, Your husband does not own you. If you want to switch jobs, cut hours, please do-for your own sanity. You married a boy not a man. Any time he acts like a child and starts complaining, look him in the eye and say "That's so Not sexy. Please stop" and walk away. The most important thing you have to do is take care of you and your kid. Focus on being a better person and a mom (but from what you described you already are). Set aside 3-6 month just on you and your boy and if your hubby doesn't come for the ride (improving the marriage) then that's on him. 2
Raena Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Staying for the children is the wrong decision if you are miserable. Stay because you love and respect each other and are willing to work through any problems you come across, but don't stay and be miserable. That is a terrible environment for your son to grow up in. 1
loveboid Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Studies show that kids do best in a two-parent household and almost as good in two one-parent households. Kids do worst where they lose contact with one parent. If your husband is harming your child together then you need to build up a case for that to present to the judge. Otherwise with women entering the global workforce 50/50 is getting to be the worldwide norm. I think your husband doesn't want to be with you. He's taking all sorts of escapes...sleeping, drinking, complaining. I would rather he make more of an effort with his child. You don't have to stay married to someone like that.
oldshirt Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I think he loves our son but he HATES taking care of a toddler. . . . My husband will fight me for custody, and he will probably get joint. I do not trust my husband to take care of my son alone for days and nights at a time. . Why do you think he will want joint custody where there will be a number of days of the week he will be fully responsible for him with no back up, why would he want that? Offer to completely relieve him of any parental responsibility and let him be the free party boy he wants to be and he may go for it.
Carpe Diem Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Please remember the famous quote: "Children would rather be from a broken home, then live in one." Your resentment and anger is just going to build. if you make enough money to get by, leave your non functioning marriage and form your family unit, with your little guy. Your son will be fine having a loving relationship with both parents. Imagine your life when you each and every day, you just live it with your son and don't have to deal with your resentful, passive aggressive, man-child. 2
road Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 There is a book His Needs Her Needs by Dr Harley. When marriages go flat this is a great book to get it up and running again. 1
pinkerton_angel Posted April 12, 2016 Posted April 12, 2016 Wow, it sounds like I could have written this! There are a few differences, I'm 43, husband is 47, our daughter is 4 and he's the main breadwinner but everything else is the same; the resentment, the sleeping, complaining, not helping, not interested, the drinking. It was really getting me down and then a few weeks ago I caught him texting another woman (which I suspect had been going on for some time) and his refusal to talk about it or even really apologise showed me that our marriage was over. We are currently in early stages of separation. I know that in time I'll be much happier without him as he was bringing me down but it's still incredibly sad. I hate thinking about how it might affect our daughter and like you I hate the idea of him having her overnight as he's been useless with her up until now. I've only ever spent one night away from her. I hate the fact that already she's crying about having to leave her home. But yes, as awful as it sounds, I too have thought it would have been better if he'd have died. I have had so much support from friends and even strangers which has also made me realise just how nasty he had become towards me and how I'm worth so much more. I never would have made the decision on my own as my marriage was forever in my eyes but I think it may end up being a blessing in disguise (I hope!) I hope you're feeling a bit stronger and make the right decision for you and your son. You're not alone xx
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