cococat Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) Let me start off by saying that I'm a fairly well-adjusted young woman. I am normal in every sense of the word, but when it comes to relationships, I become a completely different person. I get insanely insecure and doubtful, both of myself and of the person I'm with. I am still a virgin and sex is a hangup for me, I don't know why (and I'm already 23). I've only dated one other guy and it took me two years to get over it. Recently I've been thinking that maybe I seriously need help. I've been dating a guy for two months and am starting to feel "that" part of myself resurface again - he is significantly older than I (by about 13 years) and it didn't even bother me in the beginning, but now ever since my mom voiced her disapproval (she hasn't even met him yet), I feel myself becoming embarrassed by him every time we go out together. He does look a bit older than his age and I look like I could pass for a high schooler... so you can imagine how this looks. Sometimes I feel like he could be my dad. When it's just him and I together though, I feel comfortable with him and he makes me feel safe. I don't want to leave him for fear of being alone forever, due to this crippling personality of mine. Looking deep into myself, I've realized that I rely on others' approval and validation way too often. As much as I try to shake it off, I just can't. Perhaps it's because I grew up watching my parents fight all the time. Then my dad, who was my whole world, passed away when I was in elementary. Ever since, my mom and I have been very close. She is nearly 63 and is in bad health, so I cannot leave her. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away, but I have nowhere to go in order to fully discover myself and live on my own. So whenever I meet a guy I feel like I could "click" with, I instantly reject it and expect the worst. My mother always tells me I could "do better" but she doesn't seem to realize that our own situation is not all that great either! I feel like she is delusional sometimes, though when I tell her she gets hurt and upset. Do you think that seeing a therapist would help with my situation? Am I doomed for life? Does it sound like I have daddy issues? Maybe I should just accept the fact that some people are meant to be alone forever? I know I am young and still have a ways to go in order to gain experience from life, but I just don't know. Can anyone relate to this or give any advice? Edited April 9, 2016 by cococat 2
Ami1uwant Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Why are you going out with someone that much older? If you were older like in your late 30s you could get away with this. Now, not so much. 1
Author cococat Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Why are you going out with someone that much older? If you were older like in your late 30s you could get away with this. Now, not so much. Because I liked him, we have a lot of things in common (at least in the beginning I felt so), and he asked me out on a date. He is attentive and caring toward me as well as mature, given his age. 2
losangelena Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 OP, the short answer is yes, you could benefit from therapy; everyone could. Not to armchair diagnose or anything, but judging from what you've written, I wouldn't be surprised if you and your mom have some enmeshment issues, and what you say about men, that you expect the worst, suggests some catastrophizing (but I'm not a doctor!). Having said that, it's not weird at all! Most people pick up some strange quirks along the way and talking through them with a paid professional cannot hurt. I say this as someone who's spent several years in therapy, on and off. 3
gonetildecember Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I definitely agree with the previous poster. Many have the misinformed impression that you only seek help when you have a serious problem, but I can attest to the fact that a counsellor or therapist can be very helpful, even for "well-adjusted" "normal" people. Having an unbiased, impartial and trained ear to listen can go along way. I applaud you for noticing that something doesn't feel right, and attempting to take steps to change this. I don't think your doomed forever, but the quicker you address your 'baggage', the better chance you have at having a healthy relationship in the future. 2
Satu Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Therapy isn't just for people with psychiatric problems. It can be helpful for people who just want to understand themselves better and make progress in life. I certainly got a lot from it. 1
Versacehottie Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 Let me start off by saying that I'm a fairly well-adjusted young woman. I am normal in every sense of the word, but when it comes to relationships, I become a completely different person. I get insanely insecure and doubtful, both of myself and of the person I'm with. I am still a virgin and sex is a hangup for me, I don't know why (and I'm already 23). I've only dated one other guy and it took me two years to get over it. Recently I've been thinking that maybe I seriously need help. I've been dating a guy for two months and am starting to feel "that" part of myself resurface again - he is significantly older than I (by about 13 years) and it didn't even bother me in the beginning, but now ever since my mom voiced her disapproval (she hasn't even met him yet), I feel myself becoming embarrassed by him every time we go out together. He does look a bit older than his age and I look like I could pass for a high schooler... so you can imagine how this looks. Sometimes I feel like he could be my dad. When it's just him and I together though, I feel comfortable with him and he makes me feel safe. I don't want to leave him for fear of being alone forever, due to this crippling personality of mine. Looking deep into myself, I've realized that I rely on others' approval and validation way too often. As much as I try to shake it off, I just can't. Perhaps it's because I grew up watching my parents fight all the time. Then my dad, who was my whole world, passed away when I was in elementary. Ever since, my mom and I have been very close. She is nearly 63 and is in bad health, so I cannot leave her. Sometimes I feel like I want to run away, but I have nowhere to go in order to fully discover myself and live on my own. So whenever I meet a guy I feel like I could "click" with, I instantly reject it and expect the worst. My mother always tells me I could "do better" but she doesn't seem to realize that our own situation is not all that great either! I feel like she is delusional sometimes, though when I tell her she gets hurt and upset. Do you think that seeing a therapist would help with my situation? Am I doomed for life? Does it sound like I have daddy issues? Maybe I should just accept the fact that some people are meant to be alone forever? I know I am young and still have a ways to go in order to gain experience from life, but I just don't know. Can anyone relate to this or give any advice? i bolded the reasons it could be useful for you to go to a therapist. These are your thought processes and sound pretty entrenched at the moment. Also maybe all you need are some tools to get through the parts of life that throw you a bit of a curve ball, as you said you are well-adjusted but everyone can benefit with a good therapist. I think it takes a great deal of introspection and it's good of you for noticing these things. Now take action. Put yourself first and tackle the issues. I think especially the one: "am I doomed for life" will be a stumbling block to living the life you want. I don't know the answer to the daddy issues part but I do think based on how you view yourself and yourself in a relationship, you may be picking relationships that are not truly the most ideal for you but that play out some other aspect of what is going on for you personally. Like attaching to someone that likes you but that if you were your best self, that you would not chose. I think in the long run relationships like this will not be fulfilling in the way you want and need them to be because they are one dimensional--they fulfill one need but that's it. I don't know if that applies to your current guy. Though I think you need to be a better place to make the best choices for yourself. Good luck
Buddhist Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 but when it comes to relationships, I become a completely different person. I get insanely insecure and doubtful, both of myself and of the person I'm with. ...and it didn't even bother me in the beginning, but now ever since my mom voiced her disapproval (she hasn't even met him yet), I feel myself becoming embarrassed by him every time we go out together. I don't want to leave him for fear of being alone forever, due to this crippling personality of mine. Looking deep into myself, I've realized that I rely on others' approval and validation way too often. Ever since, my mom and I have been very close. She is nearly 63 and is in bad health, so I cannot leave her. My mother always tells me I could "do better" Can anyone relate to this or give any advice? Here's your Dr Phil 2 min internet assessment. You are in a co-dependant relationship with your mother. She constantly sets up sabotage for your relationships and implants this idea that you will not find a good match because she fears you will leave her. She wants you to 'do better' because she knows that the fastest and easiest way to have you focus on your relationship with her is to get to exit the other one you are in. Yes, you can be helped with therapy. Your mother probably needs it too. But as she is likely to never admit that the best you can do is get help for yourself. You will not be able to have a healthy relationship with a guy until you deal with the one you've got with your mum.
Author cococat Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 Wow, those are some really accurate assessments. Sometimes it just takes a few outside viewpoints. I couldn't see past myself for the longest time and it's been detrimental to my mental health... I like to think I have a healthy relationship with my mother (and she certainly does the best she can), but maybe we've become too dependent on each other. That being said, perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship right now until I address the problems we're both having. Thanks guys and of course if anyone has additional input, I could really use it.
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