JADED by the woman

June 17, 2005

I have so many thoughts going through my head that I don't know where to start. If any of you have every felt this way, then this would amply describe my state of mind concerning women over the past few years.

Let me start by saying thank you for reading this as a first measure.

Perhaps a brief history of my experience with women would help any potential reader put things into perspective.

age: 17 experience: first love

I met my first love at 17. She was a beautiful young lady, and looking back on it now - there was not a better woman to lose my virginity to. We enjoyed many positive experiences together. Of course there is a negative side and that is the fact that her obsessive control issues starting showing about 2 months into the relationship. That's the first time she slapped me , and for cracking a joke on myself about my looks. It wasn't long before we had out first real argument and then it started to happen. She would get violent to the point that it was bit scary. For example, she would be having an disagreement about the tiniest thing and she would get upset to the point that she would start draw back to take a slap. Sometimes her attempts didn't stop at one. It got to the point to where I would grab her and put her in a bear hug until she would calm down. I loved her deeply, but the price eventually became too high. After 3 years I had to let her go. She drove me to the point WANTING to retaliate. This was a side of myself that I did not want to become.

Some time later, I dated a bit and eventually met someone else, about a year later. This girl was AWESOME in every way. She was totally different from my first love. We dated for nearly a year before she let things get entirely physical from a sexual standpoint. Which, is a classy thing to do in my book. We dated on and off (because of us both attending different colleges) for four years. When she graduated, we hooked up again for about 3 months. During this time, I became very serious with her and tried to let her know by various actions, conversations, etc. although I did not propose. On the way to her car to look for a corkscrew, (a bottle of wine we were having) I happened upon a note that she was writing to a "guy" friend. She came clean then and told me there had been another guy in the picture. needless to say i was pissed at having wasted 4 years on this, and told her that I didn't want to see her again. She agreed and 6 months later, I read about her engagement announcement. She was engaged to a 26 year old business owner, who in my opinion looks dorky as hell.

About a year later, I met a woman from work. She comes onto me, only I find out a short time later that she is married. I told her it could never happen as soon as I found So 2 weeks later she calls me and says that she left her husband and needed a place to stay. So I let her crash at my place - of course you know what that meant. We become involed and she filed for a divorce. I always treated her well and despite this fact she decides to start seeing her ex again behind my back. So then she said she was confused - and I said good riddance.

Then, I met a young lady from my college class. We were together 8 months before she cheated. She was living at my house, BILL free. All I asked of her was that she either worked or go to college... just do something. We absolutely never argued. One morning she woke, like every other morning, kissed me goodbye and left. She cheated that evening. Her new man is a college drop out/drug dealer.

Since then, it has been about 3 years and I have dated probably 10 women in that time. None of them were serious, probably 7 by my choice and the other 3 just played games.

One of those three I met at a club. She came to my house that evening and told me **** like "I never thought I would meet a guy like you" and blah blah blah. So she slept with me.... a few days later we hook up and I hang out with her and her son. We went swimming and her son really warmed up to me. A week after that, we hook up at a local club. She decided to be a total bitch that night. She ignored me all night for no reason and then I saw her getting a number from another guy. THE END of her for me.

Just recently, I met a girl and we went out on a date from hell. All she could talk about was shopping and how her parents were rich. I told her if she wanted to impress me to show me the pile of money that she made on her own. She came to my 3 bedroom house which I am renting, it is a decent house with 3 acres of land. It's a little underfurnished, I will admit. I do have all the necessities, some nice furniture and projection television - not to mention a 6 year old car that's totally paid for. But she did nothing but put my place down. It's weird because she shares an apartment with her brother and his boyfriend, and I am sure her parents bought her that 5 year old car she is driving. (She works as a clerk!) But I am not good enough?

Then, just a week or two ago, I meet another woman. She's 24 and has a 8 month old little boy. I liked her personality - at least at first. Just tonight I spoke to a friend of mine that knows this girl I have talking to. Basically she told my friend that she was expecting me to have a lot of money and that she was let down because I didn't. The weird thing is that we have a date this Saturday! Stupid me - she just told me earlier that she had always wanted to have a picknik and I was going to do that for her as a first date.

By the way, I am a college instructor making a mere $23.50 per hour at the ripe old age of 28.

I don't want to miss my greater point, though which is the fact that all these experiences has driven me to the point of not giving a **** about women, as far as romance is concerned. I really feel defeated and that it is totally pointless for me to ever expect to find happiness with a woman. So many are gold diggers, so many use their vagina to get what they want....... others are just closet druggies. In my opinion that leaves about 1% whom are relationship material. Not good odds. Besides that, my friends have their own horror stories.

I mean come on now, I am a decent looking guy (so I am told), I keep myself in shape and I educate myself as much as possible. What the heck is wrong with this picture?

Ladies, please feel free to respond. I appreciate any response. I'm not trying to complain here, but I would like to know if anyone else has had similar experiences.

At one point, I took a deep look at myself. That's always a good place to start in affairs of the heart. I can honesly say that I don't think there's much I would like to change about myself. I have a firm belief that I am good and worthy potential boyfriend.... what the heck?

June 17, 2005

I really feel defeated and that it is totally pointless for me to ever expect to find happiness with a woman.

You say that as if it were a bad thing.

Seriously, life is but a bell-curve. 15% of relationships are seriously unhealthy, 15% are blissfully happy and there's a big 70% lump in the middle who simply make due. Statistically speaking, there's a 85% chance that most of us will never be in the 15% of the blissfully happy sample, so you have to decide what you're going to do from there. Do you join in the 70% who make due because the thought of being alone is too chilling for you? Or do you think you would just be better off by yourself in an uncomprimised life without having to answer to anyone. There's no right or wrong answer, but something everyone must figure out for themselves. Just don't buy into that old, outdated social programming that your life is somehow incomplete because you don't have someone to "share" it with. The fact is is that there is very little, either tangible or intangible, that can be obtained through a marriage that can't be obtained through other means in modern society. Both genders are very liberated and independant compared to where they were 100 years ago. You have the world at your disposal. Good luck to you.

June 17, 2005

thanks.

I do admit, I have a desire to share my life with someone. I am not much of a conformist, so I don't think that this need comes from society's pressures.

It's more of a personal need, to feel that I have lifed a more fulfilled life. Ever try to take a vacation by yourself? What about children? For me, my defintion of success derives from personal relationships and financial success. I see what you are saying but I don't think it's so wrong for me to desire a woman to share it with.

I don't expect perfection either. I feel angry and sad that it has to be this difficult to procure happiness relationship wise. I am disgusted by the precense of materialistic natured individuals. It would be one thing if I had encountered one gold digger, but this many? It's an unsettling thought that women as well as a lot of people in general have this perspective.

There is a lot that can be obtained through marriage that can not be elsewhere. Such as raising children in a loving household with mother and father present. Also, the joy of having sex with someone you love and without the fear of infedelity and STD's.

I am sure a nice loving woman to come home to would help relieve stress and possibly add to my quality of life.

Not to say that she would'nt stress me at times but you know what I mean.

I am not necessarily talking about marriage either. Just spending time with a woman who gives a damn.

Are you saying I am asking too much?

June 17, 2005

I'm not necessarily saying that you're asking too much. You're asking for happiness, and I certainly don't feel like that's too much to ask for in life. I'm just suggesting that it might not be feasible to find it through a woman. I'm about the same age you are. We're both old enough to have married friends. Do your married friends sound like they're submerged by marital bliss? Most of mine certainly don't. Most of mine tell me to never get married. Some are saying it tongue in cheek, but others not. I don't think a single of them ever had the intention of ending up in a marriage of convenience, its just somehow where they ended up. It would be folly of me to think it couldn't happen to me. One time when I was feeling down in the dumps and lonely I complained to a married friend that at the end of a grueling hard day at the office, I had no one to come home to who could take my mind off of my stress. He reminded me that many men come home from a long grueling day at the office to come home to a life of even more stress.

Yes, I have gone on vacation by myself. Would I have prefered that I had someone special cuddling up next to me when I watched the sunset in Tahiti? Absolutely. But I also don't overlook the fact that none of my married friends could go to Tahiti in the first place because they had too many other obligations at home. I recently quit a soulcrushing job I hated as a software designer, even though it paid me nearly 6 figures. I started a job in the culinary field making $8 an hour. It doesn't bother me, because my quality of life is infinitely better as my worst day in the kitchen is still better than my best day in 6 years in the office. I took a 4 month vacation in between career changes to backback through Europe. My married friends can't do that. They have a quality of life they feel they have to maintain for others that they've put upon themselves in the "provider" role. They envy me.

If your goal is happiness, there are many paths to the same destination. That's all I'm saying. Maybe broaden your perpeptions on how you can get there. I was never more miserable than I was when I was with what I believed to be "the woman of my dreams." I'm by myself now, but I have an undying belief that no matter what happens, no matter who you do or don't meet, I'm going to have an absolutely fantastic life. If I need companionship, I obtain it through my malefriends. If I need unconditional love, I obtain it through my family and my 2 wonderfull dogs. If I need sexual gratification, I can either please myself or meet someone in a bar for a brief encounter. When I want to feel needed or usefull, I volunteer. When I need emotional intimacy, I talk to my female friends. When I want to feel the head rush and raised heartbeat of attraction, I'll allow myself a small distant crush on someone around me. Like I said, there's very little ... tangible or intangible ... that I can obtain through marriage that I can't obtain elsewhere. The world is at our disposal. We are lucky enough to live a life of liberation and bounty. Think of men generations before us who were doomed to work 18 hours in the searing heat of the iron ore plants, breathing in noxious fumes as their co-workers were maimed and killed in unsafe working conditions ... simply because the role of "Family Breadmaker" was the only role available to them. Think they wouldn't trade places with us?

June 17, 2005

Originally posted by genuine_goals
What the heck is wrong with this picture?

I have a firm belief that I am good and worthy potential boyfriend.... what the heck?

Well, I would ask female and male friends for their honest opinions. Ask them not to spare your feelings.

I'd also take time to examine your pattern - you do seem to end up with a lot of users, so maybe you're being too much the parent. Or if you have problems of your own which attract these women.

Originally posted by InmannRoshi
I was never more miserable than I was when I was with what I believed to be "the woman of my dreams." I'm by myself now, but I have an undying belief that no matter what happens, no matter who you do or don't meet, I'm going to have an absolutely fantastic life. If I need companionship, I obtain it through my malefriends. If I need unconditional love, I obtain it through my family and my 2 wonderfull dogs. If I need sexual gratification, I can either please myself or meet someone in a bar for a brief encounter. When I want to feel needed or usefull, I volunteer. When I need emotional intimacy, I talk to my female friends. When I want to feel the head rush and raised heartbeat of attraction, I'll allow myself a small distant crush on someone around me.

Doesn't work for me. I have the perfect single life, yet the happiest times in my life have always been with one of the Juliets. Romeos need Juliets. It's just the way we're made.

June 17, 2005

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
Well, I would ask female and male friends for their honest opinions. Ask them not to spare your feelings.

I have asked women before, as well as ex girlfriends, etc. In fact, my one ex stated and I quote " You're a great guy, and you took care of me. You're attractive, very intelligent and funny, but I just wasn't happy"

I'd also take time to examine your pattern - you do seem to end up with a lot of users, so maybe you're being too much the parent. Or if you have problems of your own which attract these women.

Maybe I do attract these women, but the way I see it, I chose from what is available. I don't certainly go out looking for a loser woman. Although to me, I could care less about how much money they have, it's the attitude that matters.

Doesn't work for me. I have the perfect single life, yet the happiest times in my life have always been with one of the Juliets. Romeos need Juliets. It's just the way we're made.

I totally agree with you here. You stated exactly my point. I'll write more later.

June 17, 2005

Just out of curiosity- how do you meet the women you date? What kind of criteria do you use to filter out possible dates?

The main thing that attracted me to the guy I'm currently dating is that instead of giving me a rundown of his good qualities and trying to sell himself to me, he was open and honest about his emotions. Of course, the fact that he and I write poetry that's very similar in tone and feeling helps too- it's like recognizing a kindred spirit.

When I began trying internet dating (not a service, off of craigslist) I saw a lot of posts that went like this:

"28-year old successful banker who works out 3 days a week looking for successful, attractive, height-weight-proportionate woman who has no emotional baggage."

Needless to say, I am a real woman with a real life, including a few extra pounds and some emotional baggage. I certainly wouldn't respond to an ad like that.

The ones I responded to had a filtering process similar to my own- they were very up-front about their strengths and weaknesses, sincere in their desire to find a real, loving woman, even if she comes with some hang-ups. If they demonstrated in some way that they were good communicators and/or in touch with their feelings, that helped too.

To sum up, I'd take a look at how you select women to date, and whether your criteria are driving away the kind of woman you're looking for.

Take a ballroom dancing class. Women love to dance.

June 17, 2005

I'm going to take a blind swing towards the foul line here - most likely.

Here's what I experienced dating (before I met my hunka hunka burning hubby).

The guys I ran across and rejected seemed to fall into a few categories: 1. Overly emotional sensitive girly types; 2. Mamma-basement boys; 3. Players, 4. Whiners, 5. Stalkers, and 6. Cheaters.

Obviously 3-5 are no brainers, right?

#2, if you don't get it - well, you may be it. Nothing sexy about auditioning to be Mom Jr.

#1, I think, is a result of the 90's push towars self-discovery and too many self-help books. A lot of guys, with the best of intentions, have swung that pendulum way to far and became women - in essence.

Now, I may be talking out my azz here - it happens a lot - but here's my belief:

A man should be a man. First foremost and always. He should not be a neandrathol - but he should scratch now and then, have buddies he farts and makes dumb jokes with, like to hear a V-8 go "vroom" even if he can't fix it, refuse to ask for directions most times, abhore chick flicks, and have little to no feminine side.

I'm not talking about tattoed wife-beater wearing hell's angels here, but I suggest that too many men have morphed into letter writing, whiny, let's sit and talk this into the ground, I'm gonna tear-up now women. There is nothing bigger of a turn off than a whining man. It's gross. It's like nose hair that's too long with a booger on it. (Oh dear, insert mandatory In My Opinion, here)

Anyway, my left-field guess is that you may have fallen into this trap. That you are one of those excessively nice guys who needs to inject just a bit of doberman into his poodle personality.

If not, hope you enjoyed the psychosis that is me in my rambling

June 18, 2005

I don't think there's enough information there about you or how you choose women for anyone to really say if there are things you could be doing to help yourself. I'm really sorry that you've met so many dishonest women, I'm your age and it sucks to be still pretty young but feeling so battered by life.

Anyway, I tend to be the love 'em and leave 'em kind of girl, although one thing I do not do is mix up or overlap relationships. I've most recently been in an open-ended relationship with an ex and still couldn't 'play the field' without feeling evil.

I fell in love for the first time at 18, I was hugely dedicated but it ended badly just because life got in the way. I remember feeling that it was a shame that after having invested so much of myself in it, when I needed someone most my guy couldn't be there for me. I've had mixed experiences since then.

Then my life and love philosophy sorta changed. I just really felt that the best love is selfless love, I've given up asking for commitment and expecting that just because I'm around for x amount of time, that things are going to work out. Au contraire.

Now I just really feel that life is precious and I just deserve to be happy and making others happy makes me happy. I'm fiercy independent and career oriented. I enjoy going out looking as sexy as I can and discussing the finer points of whatever philosophy or politics, or dancing or eating good food, whatever. When in a relationship, if I'm happy I'm happy, if I'm feeling like the guy I'm with is doing more harm than good for me, I jet.

I suppose I'm not into commitment and I'm writing to sorta explain why some girls might not be into it, despite the stereotypes that say otherwise. The sort of subtext of your message seems to be 'girls are supposed to want stability and commitment, how come I'm left with the ones who ditch me for losers?'

My attention is mostly held by men that want to please themselves and me as much as I want to please me and them. As hard as it is, and I understand that it gets difficult, I'm mostly turned off by guys who are mistrustful, 'cause I know that their apprehensions will prevent them from letting go of their inhibitions, and also they won't be able to remember the good times we're no longer together. This all might sound trite to you, but really, I figure that even if you find the woman who stays with you forever, you won't be happy anyway until you figure out how to love what you've got and not mourn for what you would have liked. Although I admit from what you've written, you've had a rough ride so far, I don't get what's with all the cheating and deception.

June 20, 2005

Originally posted by New_Wife
I'm going to take a blind swing towards the foul line here - most likely.

Here's what I experienced dating (before I met my hunka hunka burning hubby).

The guys I ran across and rejected seemed to fall into a few categories: 1. Overly emotional sensitive girly types; 2. Mamma-basement boys; 3. Players, 4. Whiners, 5. Stalkers, and 6. Cheaters.

#2, if you don't get it - well, you may be it. Nothing sexy about auditioning to be Mom Jr.

A man should be a man. First foremost and always. He should not be a neandrathol - but he should scratch now and then, have buddies he farts and makes dumb jokes with, like to hear a V-8 go "vroom" even if he can't fix it, refuse to ask for directions most times, abhore chick flicks, and have little to no feminine side.

I'm not talking about tattoed wife-beater wearing hell's angels here, but I suggest that too many men have morphed into letter writing, whiny, let's sit and talk this into the ground, I'm gonna tear-up now women. There is nothing bigger of a turn off than a whining man. It's gross. It's like nose hair that's too long with a booger on it. (Oh dear, insert mandatory In My Opinion, here)

First off, If a woman will not date me because I fall into the category of "nice guy" within her perspective, then I don't want her anyway. People seem to forget that it is individuality that makes our race great.

I don't know if I fall into this category with women I have dated or not. All I can say is that I have always done my best to treat them with respect. I can't see any possible reason this could be a bad thing.

Do I do manly activities? Hmm, I am a computer science instructor, and the sports car I am driving now has a new engine, clutch, exhaust, etc. all done by yours truley.

It's too bad many women around my area see a man wearing dockkers and a dress shirt and they automatically sterotyupe him as "no fun" I guess.

I do whine a little from time to time. I don't believe it's excessive though. I mean who doesn't get frustrated at times? Am I supposed to be a "real man" and have no emotions?

I have never considered myself a player, although I have dated some women who deserve that treatment. If a girl I am dating starts acting (shadiness) up, she gets the player treatment for sure. Otherwise, I have good intentions and I don't bother with someone I have no interest in.

"Stalkers" now there's an interesting term coming from a woman. I am not saying this is the case here, but I have heard that term used very very loosely by many women.

Example: I have been deemed a stalker myself because a girlfriend disappears for two days and I get worried and try to reach her. That makes me a stalker apparently.

I don't give much value to the term "stalker" when it comes from a woman's mouth. I have never stalked a woman and I have many male friends I am sure would never do such a thing. From my experience, I don't know many stalker types. I am sure some exist, but not on the scale that one would think from hearing women talk about it.

I'm not talking about tattoed wife-beater wearing hell's angels here, but I suggest that too many men have morphed into letter writing, whiny, let's sit and talk this into the ground, I'm gonna tear-up now women.

What is wrong with communication? I do my best not to be annoying by talking something into the ground, but if something is important it can't just be forgotten about. If I find my girlfriend routinely avoiding a conversation that is important to me, it raises many flags. Avoidance solves nothing. Communication is key to longevity and happiness within a relationship.

2. Mamma-basement boys

Well, I love my mom dearly. I haven't lived in her basement for 7 years though. I treat her with respect, but she has little or no say in how I live my life. Does that make me a mamma's boy? I think not, if any girl would try to change that relationship I have with my mom then screw her.

Hopefully I don't sound condescending, rather I hope you have a clearer view and opinion of who I am.

June 20, 2005

well Genuine, you sound like a pretty good catch- as long as any whininess doesn't present itself in the first few dates. If you are confident in yourself and happy with your life, I'd say that is key. Heck if you were anywhere around here I'd date you lol. Again, I'd suggest looking at how you meet/select the women you date- you may be ruling out potential relationships with good women using some kind of criteria that attracts the kind of women that you've been getting. Do you meet women in bars/on the internet/through blind dates/pick 'em up off the streets, what? What factors are most important to you- looks/finances/employment/hobbies etc.- take a look at those as well. If you meet and select most of your dates based on looks, then perhaps you're meeting the kind of women who try to trade their looks for financial support. Join some kind of an organization/club that requires a membership fee that you'd pay- chances are any women you meet there are at a similar level of financial success, so you eliminate the gold-diggers there (hopefully.)

Dunno if that helps or not- good luck with your search and may you find happiness!

Take care.

June 21, 2005

Hey thanks for your response Katie.

I do believe I have a habit of going goo-goo-ga-ga for an attractive woman.

I will be honest here, when it comes to a woman, I want it all. I don't expect perfection in any way. Perfection is boring - by the way. I do expect to be able to find an attractive and intelligent woman. I thought they existed?

So hence the cause of my frustration. To be honest, a woman has to have the right look for me to even approach her. So appearance comes into play here. Then, secondly I look for intelligence. If there's no intelligence then that would out weigh the beauty factor. I try to find a good combination of the two.

So, that's how I approach it. I obviously meet a lot of uncompatable people because of step 1, but that's not the only criteria I use.

I consider myself no slacker, therefore I seek a companion with similar qualities. I guess some would call me cocky because of that statement - but we wouldn't want a mamma's boy here right? ha ha

I suppose we could call that my first problem - finding a compatable woman to get to know.

My second problem seems to be all the deception I encounter once the relationship starts to mature.

Thanks for all your responses.

W/B Katie!

June 21, 2005

Originally posted by genuine_goals
My second problem seems to be all the deception I encounter once the relationship starts to mature.

Maybe you should factor this into the original decision? And reduce the weight given to having the right look?

June 21, 2005

read your story and i feel for you. it sucks but it sounds very common. sad to say it but many men and women go through exactly the same thing. you have been shooting craps at a table with loaded dice. it sucks that you have been having such bad luck, but being as you would like to be with a good woman someday, you have to take your bad experience and learn from it. don't let it stop you from gambling...

sorry for the analogy but it is fairly easy to get frustrated when so much experience is been bad. but the only thing to do is to suck it up, and move on. i would, as some of the posters said, re-evaluate yourself and see if you have an indirect hand in your past experiences. just don't give up. and that is not romantic, inspirational, glass-half-full type sh*t. i mean you need to still beleive that there are some good women out there. because if you let you jadedness permeate your soul too much, you may meet a good one, not realize it at first and take out your past on them. do that, and you may be passing up the best thing that ever happened to you. that is a common mistake for both men and women...

my advice, take your punches, go to your corner, and come out in the next round swinging...

June 21, 2005

and oh yeah,

i would recommend that you do take a few vacations on your own. it can be quite refreshing. plus when you leave the states (don't get mad at me my fellow United States-ians) you will start to meet a lot of women of different calibers. some will be the same. but you may also find that "gold digging" and the like is a little more "regional" than we think. not that women from the states are innately worse women other places (so don't start people ) it is just that the way we live our lives socio-economically, tends to make us a little obsessed with money and "success". and i find that while people in other parts of the world tend to be concerned about those things, many do not depend on it to define their quality of life...

June 21, 2005

Originally posted by noname
i would recommend that you do take a few vacations on your own. it can be quite refreshing. plus when you leave the states (don't get mad at me my fellow United States-ians) you will start to meet a lot of women of different calibers.

Besides which, taking yourself out of your context is always a good way to get distance and reflect on your life. Same principle as the monastic retreat.

June 21, 2005

Originally posted by ReluctantRomeo
Besides which, taking yourself out of your context is always a good way to get distance and reflect on your life. Same principle as the monastic retreat.

yep... it think that is what i was trying to say...

June 22, 2005

Thanks for the post, noname.

I never intended on giving up. My frustration comes from most of my efforts being in vain.

I will always keep trying for things I believe in. I still believe in true romantic love, although I have no logical explanation why.

June 24, 2005

Originally posted by genuine_goals
Thanks for the post, noname.

I never intended on giving up. My frustration comes from most of my efforts being in vain.

I will always keep trying for things I believe in. I still believe in true romantic love, although I have no logical explanation why.

in your journey through life and love, you will find a lot of things that you have no logical explanation as to why you believe in them. much like hope and faith... but when all else fails, you will realize that unlogical as they are, they usually have your back one way or another...

June 24, 2005

I tend to try to analyze everything - I admit. It's a double edged sword, because some things are beneficial to analyze while others were never meant to be. But still I try, I suppose I always will attempt to analyze those things that can not be. Like a mouse attracted to the piece of cheese.

They say misery loves company. It's some what comforting to know that other, "normal" people have experienced similar situations as me.

I was thinking that my experiences were a bit excessive. From what I read, though, it's fairly normal.

Well, I just met yet another young lady. She seems like a good fit so far, but's it's way too early yet to conclude anything.

We have talked twice since we met, and we are going to hang out once she gets back from vacation next week.

And by the way, the girl that I mentioned in my first post. The one that told her friends that she was expecting me to have money - I have the last laugh on her. If anyone's interested in a funny story, I'll post it. Let me know.

Peace

June 25, 2005

Good looks, being in shape, and intelligence do not = attractive, per se. They can lend themselves to overall attraction. But attraction has a very clearly defined psychology to it.

Example:

You meet a gorgeous girl, right? Physically flawless. You take her on a date, and she comments about how all the "homeless people should go somewhere else and stop staring at her." Eeek. Those good looks will have a hard time carrying that shallow personality on their back.

Ok better yet. You meet an equally attractive girl, in shape, and very intelligent. At dinner, she floods your eardrums with psychobabble ranging from Ayn Rand's objectivist movement, or her thoughts on the Dead Sea Scrolls or what have you. This girl has a Mao Tse Tung style doctrine that will eliminate all homeless people... period. She is a psychotic mastermind. Blah, I am rambling.

My point is this--

Take those examples and reverse them. Pretend that the way someone may perceive these women is how these women perceive YOU. A part of me feels that you think the things you possess are enough to attract the opposite sex, when there is a very good chance that you are still unattractive. Good looks, intelligence, appearance etc. You are not questioning yourself so much, which may be the answer for you.

In this thread, you seem very broken. You listed just about every girl you have ever dated, and oddly enough the ones who you actually engaged with, or remained attracted to from YOUR side of things, ended up cheating on you or finding some other guy behind your back.

This is very easily broken down. People who are attracted to their lovers in every sense of the term do NOT cheat. If you have someone genuinely in love with you, which is greatly dependent on attraction, they will not cheat on you, or go looking for someone else. Why? They have you.

I think you need to really dissect yourself on this one.

You are either:

a. Setting your standards for the other woman too high, therefore you don't approach women who perfectly fit into this close to trophy criteria for you. Or, give them the time of day, perhaps.

b. You attract women initially, but do not take true interest in actually KEEPING them attracted. Like, once you have them -- bam!, it should be a sealed deal.

The girl who said you just weren't "right" for her, yet was still "attracted" to you was lying. You were failing to fan the fire in her heart for you, and you let it go out.

I don't mean to be curt, but you need to hear it unabashedly.

Polish yourself up inside. Get a very positive and healthy self-image (especially from the inside). Put yourself out there a little more. Take more chances. Make more approaches.

and once you have them hooked:

KEEP THEM HOOKED.

June 25, 2005

Kilombo - very good post.

Originally posted by kilombo
My attention is mostly held by men that want to please themselves and me as much as I want to please me and them. As hard as it is, and I understand that it gets difficult, I'm mostly turned off by guys who are mistrustful, 'cause I know that their apprehensions will prevent them from letting go of their inhibitions, and also they won't be able to remember the good times we're no longer together.

That is so true.

Swamp - also very good post.

Originally posted by Swamp
Good looks, being in shape, and intelligence do not = attractive, per se.

I was thinking the same about genuine_goals. I'm missing the warmth and kindness in his posts that would make me feel attracted to him.

genuine_goals, I understand your frustration, but I think you're looking for the wrong clues in women when you pick them that's why you end up with the gold-digger type. Also if you give more of yourself, you will get more back.

June 26, 2005

Polish yourself up inside. Get a very positive and healthy self-image (especially from the inside). Put yourself out there a little more. Take more chances. Make more approaches.

and once you have them hooked:

KEEP THEM HOOKED.

So basically, what you are saying is that it's my for nearly every time I have been cheated on?

A relationship must mature and change or it will fail. I must admit that I am guilty of neglect at times. In my honest opinion this is my worst attribute when it comes to relationships. Those are times in my life that I am focusing on work and / or school. It dosen't mean I love my girlfriend any less. I do believe that some have mistaken my inattention at times for lack of interest and thus cheated.

Where does one draw the line? I never wanted someone that needs my attention 100% or even 80% of the time.

Since you said I don't seem to care about my ex girlfriends, the title of the post would sum that up.

As for polishing up the inside, thanks for the tip. I do believe, however, that I am already a great person. There's always room for improvement though.

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