Finally talked to the EX, closure at last!

[moon]

Hi,

 

I've been coming on here for months and months hurt. Well, I finally got some closure, for anybody who remembers my story. My ex dumped me for another woman. Well, I talked to him on the phone and he's since gone through two women since our break up and it's NOW that he wants to talk to me because they both broke up with him. Strange how life works. I am being VERY calm about it all because I'm not mad anymore, but just hoping that I can learn from this. Plus I am leaving the country in three months.........so that's that. But I already sense his NEED for people right now, but I WILL not allow myself to be that person to him again. Already he was begging me to come visit and trying to plan our future again together. CRAZY. I knew I'd get the call someday, but I just didn't know it'd take this long. He claims he didn't leave me for anybody. I freaked out on him and slowly, after being friends he decided to date the woman I was jealous about. They only dated for a few months and then he was single for a bit and met another girl who he dated for some months. Now he's single again. But anyway, I feel much better now. It feels good to know the real story! I couldn't believe how he was going on like we were going to get back together. He said everything was hard for him too, but that he had to break up with me because I was freaking out so much on him. But that he still likes me. Weird. So I guess NC does work, but I also did send him a letter a few weeks ago, so he was answering that too.

[ConfusedInOC]

I am glad to see you strong. You're a model for every one of us who have been unceremoniously dumped!

 

^5 (High 5 ) to you.

[moon]

OC, I don't know about a role model----but MAN it has hurt! I just felt so bad about how everything ended. I knew a lot of it was my fault too, but I was able to ask my ex how was I so replaceable? He said all the women were just stand in's. He wanted me to come visit him this very weekend.........and I was said no I have friends..... I have a life. ...I have plans.

 

He was already making plans with me to travel, but said he would not follow me out to a country I am moving too soon unless I wanted him to. WHOA!

 

I think I did ok on the phone. I remained sort of illusive. But it was a three hour talk. He seems like he just wants me back. But how could I ever trust a person like that again? I guess we were on and off for four years, so it's hard to really cut those ties. But I am at least glad that the air has been cleared.

 

Thanks Confused in OC.......I guess if you remain in your own corner and do NC someday they might just reappear.....stranger things happen. I told him my anger had gone away and that I'd dealt with the break up, so I could have a decent conversation with him now. But I don't think he'll ever be what I really need anyway. So it was a good conversation. I still have absolutely no expectations of the guy and my life has gotten so much better with out him, so I was able to tell him that. He didn't sound so good. He stopped talking to his family and they used to be sooooo close. He said all sorts of things had happened to him since our break up. Anyway, so I at least feel better. But I think I'll still be coming on here anyway, because I'm not "taking" him back. I could be his friend, though. We started as friends. I just don't care who he dates anymore, I just wanted to know the WHOLE sorted tale and that it was painful and hard on him too.

[ConfusedInOC]

Originally posted by moon

OC, I don't know about a role model----but MAN it has hurt! I just felt so bad about how everything ended. I knew a lot of it was my fault too, but I was able to ask my ex how was I so replaceable? He said all the women were just stand in's. He wanted me to come visit him this very weekend.........and I was said no I have friends..... I have a life. ...I have plans.

 

He was already making plans with me to travel, but said he would not follow me out to a country I am moving too soon unless I wanted him to. WHOA!

 

I think I did ok on the phone. I remained sort of illusive. But it was a three hour talk. He seems like he just wants me back. But how could I ever trust a person like that again? I guess we were on and off for four years, so it's hard to really cut those ties. But I am at least glad that the air has been cleared.

 

Thanks Confused in OC.......I guess if you remain in your own corner and do NC someday they might just reappear.....stranger things happen. I told him my anger had gone away and that I'd dealt with the break up, so I could have a decent conversation with him now. But I don't think he'll ever be what I really need anyway. So it was a good conversation. I still have absolutely no expectations of the guy and my life has gotten so much better with out him, so I was able to tell him that. He didn't sound so good. He stopped talking to his family and they used to be sooooo close. He said all sorts of things had happened to him since our break up. Anyway, so I at least feel better. But I think I'll still be coming on here anyway, because I'm not "taking" him back. I could be his friend, though. We started as friends. I just don't care who he dates anymore, I just wanted to know the WHOLE sorted tale and that it was painful and hard on him too.

 

Moon, do you want him back?

 

One thing I learned, especially through Counseling and reading is that you can change from here to eternity but your Ex has to change too. If you have improved yourself and become stronger yet he has not changed at all, then there is no sense in trying to patch things up.

 

True reconciliation comes from both partners correcting errors in behavior and then starting all over from friend again. And it is possible, Universe is a very good example of the positive things that can happen when we take time to self-reflect and improve. It takes two to start and END a relationship so there is always room for improvement on both sides.

 

I do admire your strength and perseverance. If my Ex was to come to me crying and wanting to patch things up, I don't know how I would handle it. I'd just try and stick to my CCSM acronym and fall back on all I've learned. I still have a soft spot for her and she can play the "vulnerable" woman very well. I'm always had a hard time resisting a woman in need.

 

Good luck to you whatever you do. I did want to commend you on how you handled things and let you know that we're watching, listening and learning.

[moon]

OC,

 

Thanks, you know I really need to look at it like you mentioned. But you know it's funny because I had this total picture in my head of what I thought had happened after the break up. I thought he started going out with the girl next door and then stayed with her all the way until now. I thought maybe they were just totally in love and he'd forgotten all about me. But now I hear they broke up after only a few months and he doesn't even live in the same place anymore. It was all strange. So I'll just let all that information sink in now.

 

I wanted him to call me someday. I really did. But he did sound pretty needy on the phone. But he made a lot of good comments and discussed how he thought I had to go deal with what ever was upsetting me. And I did. I got therapy, etc. But I just think our personalities are such that we might always be stuck on each other, but we're gonna always have a tough time really having a good and solid relationship. It's funny sort of because now we've both dumped each other once. I dumped him one time before.

 

But seriously, it's been long enough where I don't have any expectations and I mostly just see him as a friend. I won't look at it as any sort of betrayal if he meets a new girl tomorrow. I don't care. I've dealt with those emotions already. When I was talking to him I was sort of just thinking of him as a lost man. He blew it. But I do have forgiveness, but, yeah, it totally couldn't be the same relationship. As far as he's concerned the only thing harsh he did to me was dump me. He says there wasn't any cheating and he didn't go from me to another girl. There was time in the middle.

 

But I will keep you posted. Thanks for the support OC.

[beejsea2]

Moon,

 

I'm glad to hear that you have closure in your relationship. I know that for the longest time that was something I felt I needed but I've moved beyond that now.

 

I'm just glad to see people who have been on LS as long as me have the resolution that they're seeking!

[zack121]

Did you ask him for closure? Sorry I'm new and missed what you posted originally.

I struggle as thats all I want from my ex, closure. but am pretty sure I'll never get it, perhaps I allready have it, I just have not processed it yet!!

 

Congrats on feeling better (Your Lucky!)

Wonder what the stats are like on here with people and closure, wonder if it's a 50/50 thing? Might start a new thread and find out...

[moon]

zack121,

 

Basically my ex and I broke up at the end of October. He took up with another women I was suspicious about a week later. We both have different sides to our break up. I feel he left me for somebody else. He thinks I was just acting overall like a jealous girlfriend and getting angry about all sorts of stuff that he didn't know how to handle. He thinks it was his right to break up with me because of the the turmoil he thought I was causing. I did feel bad about the break up....really bad because I totally told him off. I really gave it to him for what he did. He didn't forget it. I guess when his rebound that he replaced me with ended a few months later, that's why he didn't call me. He said he used willpower and channeled it into some other things. Then he met another girl after and dated her but that soured. So I guess he's just sitting here again single. It sort of sounds like he got dumped both times.

 

The scenrio in my head about what he did after the break up was totally different than reality. I still thought he was with the first girl. And let's just take into account here that there has neither been a #1 or #2 man in my life since my ex left.

 

But I am confused now as to what to do, because my ex has thrown all sorts of possibilities my way. I told him I'd call him again soon. What my ex gave me in return for a letter by me for closure, wasn't at all what I thought I'd get.

 

So now I don't think I have closure anymore. I have an offer for another relationship with him, which doesn't appear to be the best route. He's opened the door again for me. So I am just going to lay low for a while. He said he just broke up with the second girl. So anyway, I am back to being confused. But know I am leaving to travel in the fall, so I know there must be an end to this dilemna. I find myself now getting jealous about girl #2 because what if she wants to come back to him. You know........the guy just makes me jealous. Jealousy is an absolutely needless emotion. I hate feeling it. So anyway, that's about the some of it all.

[miss-gonewest]

Good for you Moon! Thanks so much for sharing your story - its great to hear how these sorry tales end... we do learn from them.

 

I agree with CIOC - you have handled yourself so well, and kudos to you. If nothing else, you have come out of this the wiser, more mature and better developed person and you now are equipped with that to go forward into whatever relationships you may pursue.

 

Keep strong and keep focused on your travel plans. If you and your ex are meant to be, you have the rest of your lives, so let him use this time to grow to the same level that you are at. If he truly loves you and wants to be with you - then he will use this time wisely.

 

If you do want him back, I know you will sort out the trust issues you have. Make him see that talking to other women (or anything more) isn't fair or right and that its a problem for you. You know you have issues with this, and you too can work on those.

 

Don't be confused... just let things come out in the wash (they usually do - for good or bad) and just reassess at each little step you both take, either down the paths as friends or as partners.

 

Again, thanks for sharing your story. Stay in touch and let us know how it all goes - we're on your side no matter what!

[miss-gonewest]

CIOC - I just noticed your signature.... you've changed it...

 

The Will of God will not take you where the Grace of God cannot keep you...

 

Its really quite a lovely sentiment... I am going to remember that. Thank you.

[moon]

Miss-gonewest,

 

Well, I have agreed to go and see him this next weekend. He asked me to. I feel like I have nothing to lose. Okay I can either go to where he is and have a conversation---a real one---not just phone calls and see what's really up with him, or I can continue getting over him. So I either have getting over him and moving on, or just for the sake of curiousity see what he has in mind.

 

I think I am strong enough to deal with that now. If this was like the second month of our break up, It would be way too much for me to deal with. I know it'd be a scream-fest. But at this point, I've gotten over the pain. I am more searching for a replacement now. It is funny how these people seem to re-enter our lives when they sense we want to move on. But I am leaving the country shortly, and according to him, so is he. So.............???? Big question mark? Can he be just a friend? Maybe. Did I burn him hard enough with my words when he dumped me that he knows what's in store for himself if he f*cks me over. He says he has trouble being with me and being with out me. Jesus! We are both stuck on each other.

 

So I guess we'll see. I'll go visit for the weekend and he told me he just wants to be happy. I don't know if he'll discuss our problems to the extent that I want to, but in a sense I think I am going to go see him with new eyes. I called him EVERY name in the book when we broke up. He had to move he said because I let everyone around him know how pissed off I was at him. I didn't mean to do that, we were just having a big fight and the apartments are close together. So.....it's weird. Love is crazy, I guess. We've already brocken up once before for a year. Are we going to "get back together"? I don't know. I know he's been dumped twice himself since we broke up. He sounds nicer. I don't know??? So I will go see him because he's in another part of the state and find out for myself. I can't do all this over the phone. I have to see him for myself and be prepared for the fact that we might not get along again or we might fight and decide enough already. I have to be prepared for that! Or for something more..........??? Again, I don't know. But I am glad I NEVER bugged him after the break up. I just took off. I ran. I think that probably helped my odds of him missing me in the end and then I pretty much stuck to NC. So....maybe there is something in this for me afterall. We shall see.

[NewMe]

what happened?

[moon]

Oh sorry. I didn't realize I did that.

 

As the story goes. I went down to visit my ex last weekend. He immediately started in on we and us and how we should do this and that together. He said he'd marry me if........I couldn't handle it. I told him how much he hurt me. I told him how much pain I'd gone through. I told him to not include me in we anymore. He was speechless, thinking I'd run right back with him. The next few days we mended fences. I told him I wanted him to be happy. We cried a bit. He said he was sorry. I said I was sorry. He doesn't get why I was/am so upset by the whole thing that happened. He had two short term girlfriends in the 8 months we were apart. I had none. That's not fair in my book.

 

We ended again, but this time as friends. He said, call me, I said you too. We hugged. I am moving out of the country in the fall. So is he. We will be a few countries away from each other.

 

I feel that I have changed since dating him. I don't think he's changed a whole lot. This isn't the right time for us. Besides I want a healthy relationship. I learned a lot from this board. I realized a lot of people (me included) settle for so/so relationships and pray for them back...............WHEN there are other good people out there to date. I did the same thing with this guy for years and years. But it's time to move on. I am saddened by it. But I can't be with a guy who doesn't understand me. I can't be with a guy anymore who puts himself first and can so flippantly ask me to marry me, when I doubt he understands what it really means to be married to another person. I don't think he understands the give and take or the compromise. Granted I am not sure I understand either, but ????? I don't think at this point that he's the guy for me. I was always sort of confused as to whether he was the right guy or not. But the fact that he couldn't get all that I had been through with out him, upset me. He would have had to of kissed my little pinky toe and told me over and over again I am so sorry I put you through that for me to accept him back. Instead he wanted me to forget about everything and move on with him. But if we don't acknowledge the past we are doomed to repeat it. I know the consequences of being with a man like him.

 

But he's learning. He is making the connection from his past about a few things. He's growing. He's changing a bit. But I can't just feel like I can move in and out of his life. I want a permanent place there....if at all. I don't think he can emotionally give me that right now. Sure we could have gotten back together for a while until the fireworks started again and then I'd be right back to where I was before, probably hurt and wondering how to get the relationship back on track---ALONE. So anyway, at this point we aren't getting back together. We do have a sort of similar future coming up. We are both traveling and our lives will intersect in other ways. I told him to come and visit me in my new home. He said he would. We really left as "friends" this time. There wasn't any bitterness.....like there was when we broke up 8 months ago. That was important to me. He might be a life long friend or he might just be a guy from my past or one day he could be my husband. I don't know at this point. But for once I am taking care of me!!! And I think he knows that. If he really wants me he'll figure out what I told him recently and figure out how to rectify the situation in a mature way. I know maybe I am being petty, but the way I handled the situation was the best I could do at the time. Like I said.......we are friends now. I think if we could build on that in a healthy way we might be able to make a relationship work. It's not all about sex, passion and breakups and getting back together. I am looking for something more real at this point in my life. So....???? Don't exactly know what the future holds for us, but I am going to go out and date for a while and let him be himself for a while and we'll see. Maybe it'll happen again or maybe it won't, but we left things about as mature as you can leave things. We kissed, made up and gave each other permission to move on. So that felt good. I think anybody out there who's had a really bad and painful break up knows that getting the chance to even things out and acknowledge that ex as human feels okay too.

 

So that's pretty much the whole story. We live in different parts of the state, so I don't have to bump into him. If I feel like calling I can and that goes for him too. But I feel pretty good about it now. I know he respects me. I know we have a pretty deep connection, one that spans years and years. But I don't know if he's right for me anymore as a boyfriend. Maybe he'll just be a friend or a memory. Not sure yet. I just expect more from my relationships these days. But I don't fault him for it anymore. I do love him as a person and I told him that and he feels the same about me. So wacky as it may seem---I think we are both fine for now. But I don't know what the future holds for us......or if we have a future at all. Maybe only God knows. I'll leave it at that. But overall I am doing fine and glad I had that great chance to get really good closure with a guy I dated for many years. I am glad I set some boundaries with him and I am glad I got to see that during out break up he couldn't quite get things right, so he came back to me....HEY that always feels good to know that an ex has a really difficult time living with out you. It's a huge ego boost. But that's not what's going to make a relationship work with us again. I'd be the first to say I wish he was "the one." But I think we still both have some growing up to do before that could ever really be possible. So maybe we're just going to be sitting in limbo for a while or maybe there is somebody else out there better for us. But overall I realized I do really matter to him and I know he knows now that he really matters to me. So......kay sura sura........what ever will be will be.

 

Thanks for asking about the situation.

[NewMe]

thanks so much for sharing your story, moon.

 

You should know that it is really inspiring, and I, for one, am really really impressed by you.

 

I was afraid you were going to take him back and somehow forget the growing you've been doing (I was projecting my own issues).

 

Anyway, personally, it was almost cathartic for me to read about the way you resolved it. And it will sound corny, but thank you for honoring yourself and for being a source of encouragement in so doing.

[moon]

NewMe,

 

Thanks so much for saying that!! That's really sweet.

 

My friends said similar things. They were like............"What about all the money you spent in therapy!!"

 

Yes, I did get therapy and that might have put the wheels in motion a bit for healing. I think I was acting a lot as a caretaker to my ex. I think guilt goes hand in hand with that. You stay with a person because you are feeding off of them and they are feeding off of you in co-dependent relationship. I think me and my ex are trying to break that cycle with each other. If we can get out of that pattern and see each other as whole people, who have their own goals and as people who truly desire a healthy and functional relationship........then maybe we'll work one day.

 

But at this point, I am sort of midway through my healing and I realized it wasn't so hard to say goodbye this time around. So that spoke volumes to me. But for some reason it was important to say goodbye to him in a loving way. Don't know why, but I know I'll always have that. We both sort of left the door open for the other person, but I am not sure if either one of us will walk through it again. I am glad I didn't make things easy on my ex either. Next time he comes back around (if he does) he'll be thinking more about what I want. So it was worth it to me to not be his dancing monkey when HE was ready to be back with me. No, that's not the way it works. And it never should be, especially if somebody hurt you bad. He should be begging me for another chance. Or you know, at least meet me in the middle. Either way, I am not really ready to deal with him and all his glory at this point anyway. I'm just not in the mood. But yeah, we said goodbye with all the caring you could convey.

 

It's all good I think. I just need somebody who lives up to my expectations better. And hey, I don't want to let my ex down either. So we are better separate at this point in time, in my opinion. But I don't rule out giving it another try. But not for a while. I just don't feel like dealing with it right now anyway and I think my ex sort of got that picture. I think he thought I'd bow down to his needs before my own.......no.

 

Thanks for your encouragement Newme. Seriously, sooner or later dumpee or dumper, you get sick of these people. You start to say to yourself, damn it try harder to be what I want or get out of my life. It just takes too much energy. I want something my ex can't give me right now, but maybe someday he will. I believe in miracles.....But yeah, I don't think you should run back to exes just because they show up at your door. Make THEM wait for you to decide. My ex is fine anyway. He knows I've got his back and I know he's got mine. I see him more with brotherly love at this point. I'm just tired. He's tired too. Not much more to say or do at this point, but move on. Like I said I don't know what the future holds between the two of us. I think we are both sort of scrambling to get ourselves ready, because both of us have plans to move abroad. We'll be one small country apart. But we could have visits with each other. Coincidentally we are both leaving at the same time. Both of us made these plans separately (having no idea of other person's plans) and we are leaving with in two weeks of each other!!! CRAZY. But yeah, I feel fine at this point. I have zero expectations. I just want to worry about me... selfish as it might sound. But I don't care. I feel like putting myself first!!! It feels good.

 

Thanks again.