How soon to get familiar?

[thecrucible]

Mods please move to online dating thread if more appropriate.

 

I realise I'm going to sound like a misanthrope here...

 

So I've reluctantly rejoined OLD and got talking to several guys last night. I was pretty bored so I thought "hey 20 minutes conversation wouldn't go amiss". The guys seemed all right and there weren't too many weirdos but some seemed keen to get my number quickly which I'm not overly keen on since I don't know them from Adam. What's wrong with sticking to the site? I've been telling them I'll only talk on the app. Plus I'm super worried if this actually gets real and they want to meet me since I haven't decided whether I'm interested yet and I'm paranoid that they will find me ugly and unappealing if I feel interested in them.

 

I've also noticed that a lot of guys want to establish insta-rapport which feels weird to me too. I mean I will reply to them but I won't get emotionally engaged. It's not like they are asking many in-depth questions about me (and I do ask about them). It's all stuff like "so what are you doing today?" and "good morning" messages which feels overly familiar to me and like they just want to pass time and they are not really interested in me. Does anyone else experience this?

 

What would you recommend in this situation? Do you think I should have a limit in terms of how much conversation we should share until I judge that it's a waste of my time and effort? Should I cut to the chase and ask them out first? With the current guys I'm talking to, I have nothing against them but I'm not intrigued enough to go on a date with them yet (hell I might not be the one for them either).

 

Thanks for your advice.

[d0nnivain]

Most people want to move to IRL quickly because they realize you don't know anybody until you meet them in person. That's the make or break. They don't want a pen pal or a flake.

 

For safety I can see your strategy to slow down & move cautiously but since OLD is the wild west long time users now weed out & reject folks who aren't up for an early quick meet as flakes who aren't serious about dating.

[carhill]

IMO, if the convo flows either party can suggest a meet. IME, though perhaps one or two women have contacted me over the decades, all the first contacts with women online were by myself so I made the first move, then viewed the meet as equal opportunity. Most of the time I requested it, generally within a week or two of first contact, but that timeline respects the era of dating, that of the past. Today things are more instant.

 

I think getting 'familiar' should occur in person, at a meeting or date. The rest prior is to see if conversation flows at all or if any big red flags start waving. Each person decides red flags for themselves. If you think personal stuff is a red flag, then it is and so should dismiss those guys. Same with any other red flag.

 

If it flows, get to know.....

[lilmissjava]

I think you can create a comfort zone by actually meeting up with some of them straightaway.

 

You wouldn't want to come back here and lament about the what if's if you like one of them but passed you over for not meeting in a timely manner. No one wants to waste any unnecessary time in OLD because it is precious. If it feels ok go on ahead. If you feel a little cautious, it's your instinct telling you.

 

The mundane "how are you" messages should actually be attached to something complimentary about your profile I would think. If they took the time to read it - it should weed out the guys that are just interested in the photo you present to them.

[deadparrot]

I think most genuinely good guys wouldn't mind sticking to the app/site you're on. When I was OLD, I was always under the impression that most people moved quickly to texting because the apps and website messaging systems can be a bit buggy and a general pain (missed messages, etc.). Like I said, though, if the guy is worth it, he'll respect that you might want to keep your number private until a first meeting.

 

Regarding how to decide when to set up a date, I think it's understandable not to want to set up a date after 20 minutes (though there's nothing wrong with that approach, either). That said, it is an online dating site, so if you're going weeks and weeks just writing and never setting anything up, there's a good chance the other party is going to lose interest.

[thecrucible]

I know what you guys mean. I don't see the point in chatting for ages and wasting either person's time before a meet. It's just that when the guy wants to meet, I'm often not feeling it enough because some of these guys I talk to have very little in common with me and I don't see how it could work unless we talk longer and I see something we have in common that's important to me (i.e. I like nerdy guys who like reading and guys who likes the outdoors). So then I feel like I'm leading them on but it's not intentional, I'm just not getting the feeling that we would get on irl so I need to know more information.

 

There are a few guys from OLD I've gelled with really well and we dated for a short time. I just haven't met many guys yet now that I'm inclined to meet.

 

It gets really frustrating .

 

Part of me is thinking I should scrap online dating altogether. It might give me a kick up the bum to put myself out there in other ways.

 

Thanks for all of your advice.

[joseb]

I know what you guys mean. I don't see the point in chatting for ages and wasting either person's time before a meet. It's just that when the guy wants to meet, I'm often not feeling it enough because some of these guys I talk to have very little in common with me....

 

Then stop chatting to guys you have very little in common with. It's a waste of your time and their time. Ask them some questions to see if they like the outdoors, reading, etc - if nothing in common then leave it.

 

Just be sure you this is really the reason, and you are not just avoiding meeting people (like a large percentage of online 'daters')

 

Personally I don't ask for anyones number until after I've met someone - so I don't know what the obsession is with asking for numbers either.

 

OLD is just one of many tools, if you live somewhere with opportunities to meet people in real life, that would be my first choice always.

Edited April 11, 2016 by joseb

[Gaeta]

I know what you guys mean. I don't see the point in chatting for ages and wasting either person's time before a meet. It's just that when the guy wants to meet, I'm often not feeling it enough because some of these guys I talk to have very little in common with me and I don't see how it could work unless we talk longer and I see something we have in common that's important to me (i.e. I like nerdy guys who like reading and guys who likes the outdoors). So then I feel like I'm leading them on but it's not intentional, I'm just not getting the feeling that we would get on irl so I need to know more information.

 

There are a few guys from OLD I've gelled with really well and we dated for a short time. I just haven't met many guys yet now that I'm inclined to meet.

 

It gets really frustrating .

 

Part of me is thinking I should scrap online dating altogether. It might give me a kick up the bum to put myself out there in other ways.

 

Thanks for all of your advice.

 

You're not suppose to have an interest or build a connection online.

 

Online is to make contact, nothing more.

 

If he is of the right age, if he works, if you like his pictures, if he is looking for the same type of relationship you are, then you don't need anything else to meet him. Exchange numbers and meet. You can decide over a coffee if you have anything in common.

[SwordofFlame]

I know what you guys mean. I don't see the point in chatting for ages and wasting either person's time before a meet. It's just that when the guy wants to meet, I'm often not feeling it enough because some of these guys I talk to have very little in common with me and I don't see how it could work unless we talk longer and I see something we have in common that's important to me (i.e. I like nerdy guys who like reading and guys who likes the outdoors). So then I feel like I'm leading them on but it's not intentional, I'm just not getting the feeling that we would get on irl so I need to know more information.

 

There are a few guys from OLD I've gelled with really well and we dated for a short time. I just haven't met many guys yet now that I'm inclined to meet.

 

It gets really frustrating .

 

Part of me is thinking I should scrap online dating altogether. It might give me a kick up the bum to put myself out there in other ways.

 

Thanks for all of your advice.

 

One of the very few questions I ask before meeting is what are some of your interests and hobbies? Assuming that info isn't already in their profile...

[thecrucible]

You're not suppose to have an interest or build a connection online.

 

Online is to make contact, nothing more.

 

If he is of the right age, if he works, if you like his pictures, if he is looking for the same type of relationship you are, then you don't need anything else to meet him. Exchange numbers and meet. You can decide over a coffee if you have anything in common.

 

I agree in principle. It's just that I live rurally so it would cost me at least half a day's wages to go on one date in one of the cities nearby which is where most of the men I can communicate with are from. If they were in my little town and they seemed all right, I would easily meet them.

[thecrucible]

One of the very few questions I ask before meeting is what are some of your interests and hobbies? Assuming that info isn't already in their profile...

 

I always read the guy's profile and I say what I'm looking for in my profile but men who have nothing in common with me will still contact me for some reason. Mostly they only want to chat and kill though but sometimes they want to meet and I have no idea why since I don't think we have much in common.

[Gaeta]

I agree in principle. It's just that I live rurally so it would cost me at least half a day's wages to go on one date in one of the cities nearby which is where most of the men I can communicate with are from. If they were in my little town and they seemed all right, I would easily meet them.

 

Sweetie, meet those men halfway or they come see you in your rural area.

[Gaeta]

I always read the guy's profile and I say what I'm looking for in my profile but men who have nothing in common with me will still contact me for some reason. Mostly they only want to chat and kill though but sometimes they want to meet and I have no idea why since I don't think we have much in common.

 

Pass those who just want to chat. They're a waste of your time. If by the 3rd conversation he doesn't ask to meet you then move on to next.

 

As for those who want to meet you, meet them. They want to meet you because they know the real test is face to face. It doesn't matter much you have much in common as long as you have the same values and are looking for the same type of relationship.

[No_Go]

When i was online dating, I heard this advice over and over. It is probably right for most cases, especially with the high competition online, but... I personally don't bond well without the written convo (not real time chat). The two people that have taken the time for meaningful written exchange I remember to date.... It didn't work with them for different reasons.

Anyway, I was just making the point that it is case dependent.

 

You're not suppose to have an interest or build a connection online.

 

Online is to make contact, nothing more.

 

If he is of the right age, if he works, if you like his pictures, if he is looking for the same type of relationship you are, then you don't need anything else to meet him. Exchange numbers and meet. You can decide over a coffee if you have anything in common.

[thecrucible]

Thanks everyone . I really enjoy making threads here because I feel that I always get honest responses and perspectives to challenge my way of thinking which can be totally skewed sometimes.

 

but... I personally don't bond well without the written convo (not real time chat). The two people that have taken the time for meaningful written exchange I remember to date.... It didn't work with them for different reasons. Anyway, I was just making the point that it is case dependent.

 

Hey I think I know you mean. I really value meaningful conversation too. I think maybe some guys aren't into that so it takes a lot less than meaningful to want to meet. The last time I had serious interest in a guy from online dating we had a good natural flow of conversation and his style was similar to mine. It wasn't intense conversation, which is not what I'm describing as meaningful. It just had a natural flow and we discussed what our interests were and travel and other things we had in common. It wasn't mundane stuff like what we did that day and what we ate for dinner.

 

@Gaeta - I will do as you suggest and try to arrange to meet these guys in my own area or halfway. I hate having to send that rejection message because I sometimes get butthurt replies and yet there are all these men online saying "why couldn't she send a message rather than ignore me?".

 

I also know what you mean about interests not being being the most important. I am not in love with myself and I do not want to date my clone. I aim to be open-minded. I have dated men in the past who had lots in common with me but it didn't work out for other reasons so I definitely took something away from that. At the same time there are a few interests dear to my heart that I can't imagine not sharing with a partner - for me this is going on walks in the countryside, travel, having a thirst for knowledge of some kind and someone who isn't a total party animal but not an absolute homebody either. I am introverted and I've realised that I do not fit well with extroverts but I don't want a guy who sits about watching telly all day either.

[thecrucible]

Then stop chatting to guys you have very little in common with. It's a waste of your time and their time. Ask them some questions to see if they like the outdoors, reading, etc - if nothing in common then leave it.

 

I probably go with the flow too much and I just need to be more proactive. It makes me feel a little dumb now. I will do this right away when I next go online. In fact I am actually going to make a list of questions I need to ask men I am talking to. I won't hit them with tonnes at once, I will just weave them into conversation.

 

Just be sure you this is really the reason, and you are not just avoiding meeting people (like a large percentage of online 'daters')

 

No not deliberately avoiding meeting, I just need to be taking more initiative to help my chances. I sent out a first message for the first time (never messaged a guy myself before) last week and started a convo which is a start for me.

 

Personally I don't ask for anyones number until after I've met someone - so I don't know what the obsession is with asking for numbers either.

 

I do not like it because I'm not very into texting.

 

OLD is just one of many tools, if you live somewhere with opportunities to meet people in real life, that would be my first choice always.

 

I think I am going to join meetup. My small town really has no opportunities to meet anyone new. I do meet new people sometimes but I know a lot of people of my age group in the town already. I'm going to have to bite the bullet and go it alone. All my friends are in relationships so I couldn't persuade them to to events with me to help meet men. I will actually have to turn up at these things by myself. I go to a lot of rock and metal gigs in my town but the guys I meet there are mostly kind of sleazy.

[Gloria25]

You're not suppose to have an interest or build a connection online.

 

Online is to make contact, nothing more.

 

If he is of the right age, if he works, if you like his pictures, if he is looking for the same type of relationship you are, then you don't need anything else to meet him. Exchange numbers and meet. You can decide over a coffee if you have anything in common.

 

Thank you!!! ^^^

 

Someone was telling me that now a days you need to send them a Facebook request and/or add them to Facebook as a "friend"...whatt!!? I'm not adding some I barely know/dated and/or am not serious about to my Facebook.

[thecrucible]

Thank you!!! ^^^

 

Someone was telling me that now a days you need to send them a Facebook request and/or add them to Facebook as a "friend"...whatt!!? I'm not adding some I barely know/dated and/or am not serious about to my Facebook.

 

Btw I definitely don't do this. I'm also against adding people on Facebook I barely know and I wouldn't even add someone I'd been on a few dates with. I think the longer you leave to add them on there, the better.

 

I didn't mean that I wanted to develop a false intimacy online or talk for ages, I just mean that men seem surprisingly willing to meet with women with whom they have nothing in common, and they seem to not take as long making up their mind as I might do.

 

Euurgh I had the worst night out last night with friends. :/ Well actually it wasn't too bad. I've not been on the pull for ages because I've gained weight (about 20lbs) and no longer feel attractive and people notice so I met a couple of blokes who are regulars on pub circuit who called me fat last night. I gave them the evil glare. Thing is when I was slimmer I was just as offended because these were the same guys who only took an interest in me because of what they thought of my looks. I come across that type online as well and it just puts me off dating a lot. :/

 

It's really hard to meet men who actually take an interest in talking to you in the moment you are talking, not just seeing conversation as a necessary thing before they try and get in your pants. I obviously want to find someone I find physically attractive but I'm far more focused on the whole package now.