Seriously considering breaking NC. I can't take it anymore. [updated]

March 31, 2016

I regret breaking NC the first time I did. I did it with misguided intentions, I believed I did it for good, that it would help achieve the end result that I wanted - to get him back - but all it did was relieve my pain for a few days and then I was back to square one mentally, and in terms of my situation, all I did was confirm to my ex that I will always stick around no matter what.

Once we start focusing on actions, over words and signs, we start to accept that no matter what they say, no matter what it may seem like, if they wanted to be with us, they would be, or at least trying to fix things enough to be. So based on that they are most likely not, we must heal and the only way to do that is time and space away from this person.

We may not get the outcome we want - them - but NC isn't about them, it's about you, moving on, starting a life without them.

NC is especially important (and hard!) if you have codependant tendencies, because when you break NC with the reasons of 'loving them' all you're doing it is for validation, and that itself is a dangerous cycle.

It's taken me a long time to understand this, and a long time to see that anyone that doesn't want to go NC just doesn't want to accept it's over.

If you don't want to heal you will always find a million excuses to stop you going NC, and if you let them, so will they.

That was incredibly insightful. Thank you for writing such an articulate response. It really helps me as I'll be reading it every time I feel the urge.

March 31, 2016

First of all, congrats on 3 months of (hopefully) pure no contact (no social media or texts/calls).

I will say that to me, no contact is crucial to my survival of heartache. It has helped me in the past and so I use the past as a barometer of my success. I know that whenever I've looked at a photo or whatever, I've sunk deeper into this bottomless pit. Before you check on the person, it feels like it won't hurt and that you can't possibly feel any worse, yet you inevitably do.

In terms of actually contacting the person, oh my God, I have felt like hell whenever doing that, because it's like here I am dying and the other person couldn't care less. It's the worst feeling and makes me want to die all the more.

The best thing is to commit to complete no contact in any and all forms and just ride out all feelings until you finally achieve some semblance of peace and acceptance and then keep going until you truly accept it.

Breaking no contact stunts your healing big time. It doesn't matter if you check at the 1 month mark or the year mark, it will hurt every time and set you back in your healing. Think of it as the worst drug for you and just say no.

You can thank yourself later.

Hugs and strength be with you. Don't give into temptation!

Thank you for the kind words. So much of what I feel is written by so many that felt exactly the same. I have accidentally seen pictures of us just once. I made sure to delete her number so I have not texted, emailed, called, contacted, look her up or looked into her whereabouts in any shape or form.

I have no clue whats going on in her life but at night in my alone, quiet moments, I replay so many things in my mind and thats when the irrational ideas come.

But I know there is no point in fighting battles you can't win and they only way I win is by letting it go.

March 31, 2016

You're right. He has been talking to me because he still wants to be friends (I know, I know) & I'm taking the breadcrumbs.

As I said at the start, NC is an option.

If you don't want to do it, you don't have to.

But if you decide at some point to do it, do it 100%

Take care.

*No direct contact.

*No sending or receiving of messages.

*Block any means he might use to contact you.

*No replies to anything that gets through your blocks.

*No indirect contact through third parties.

*De-friend or delete from all social media.

*No monitoring of him on social media.

*No 'little birds' feeding you news.

*Tell people that you don't want to know anything about what he is doing or saying.

March 31, 2016

That was incredibly insightful. Thank you for writing such an articulate response. It really helps me as I'll be reading it every time I feel the urge.

Typing that up helped me too.

Don't be too hard on yourself, acceptance and strength takes a lot of time and understanding, I had to unravel my habits and patterns that followed, and that took a lot of work.

Focus less on understanding them and their reasons and more on why it's important for you to move on.

They are thinking about themselves, it's your time now.

April 1, 2016

On one hand, NC helped me move on, reassess everything, and try to accept it.

On the other hand, breaking NC after a year (by checking up on her social media only), crushed me when I found out she was engaged.

So, it's a double-edged sword and I truly believe it depends on where you are in the timeline of the aftermath.

I was in no shape to break NC for the first year.

BUT, I wasn't moving on either.

Breaking NC and checking her social media hurt almost as bad as the breakup, but it FINALLY forced me to accept and move on.

NC works. Breaking NC at a certain period also worked, for me anyway.

For you, OP, in your current state, NC is the odds-on favorite.

April 1, 2016

The way I'm looking at it is that I am going through a major addiction withdrawal and my ex is the drug. The first month was unbearable (we've been broken up for a little over 2 months) and I kept contacting him because I desperately wanted us to reconcile. I even saw him and slept with him. At that point, I knew it was not healthy for me to have that "friendship" with him and I knew he wasn't changing his mind so before I left his house, I told him I wouldn't contact him anymore.

It's been 1 month and 1 week since that night. I am just now getting that big itch to text him and try to see him. I have also just started going fully no contact as i had been checking his facebook page and dating profiles daily (wow, i sound like I'm crazy). It's been SO hard not to be connected to him in any form and I have been SO tempted just to pull up his profile. But, every time I get the feeling, I try to remind myself that he is the drug and if I ever want to stop feeling this way, I absolutely have to not give in to my need for it. It will not lead anywhere except to longer and more heartache. I desperately want to move past this and I am not going to do anything to jeopardize my chances at doing that.

April 1, 2016

I regretted it. We ended up being on/off for longer than we were together. It just prolonged the pain.

April 1, 2016

My daughter broke NC a few months back. It actually helped her get over him. Why? Despite the fact that their meeting was friendly, she was finally able to look at him objectively and recognise all his annoying traits and the reasons she dumped him in the first place.

April 1, 2016

I think post-breakup and NC are one of those rare instances where fear is a positive quality. I don't break NC for fear of being rejected again, fear of discovering things I don't want to know, fear of being hurt again, fear of feeling lied to again, fear of sitting across the table from someone I feel I don't know anymore. And, in a way, fear of looking at her and knowing I fell out of love.

We're like a lost child who embraces a stranger's legs. He'll get a stroke in the head, a sympathetic smile and a few reassuring words, but all he wants is the true love and warmth of his parents, so he'll feel calm just for a moment. That's exactly what you get by contacting your ex: momentary hope, and then frustration and despair.

Funny how we ache for and cling to our source of pain itself. Let's not.

April 1, 2016

Aaaaaaand I did it again

I'm in complete denial I think.

What a loser.

April 1, 2016

It's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it.

I think you keep trying to contact until you finally realize it's just pointless or better for yourself not to. If you were not sure whether you should or not, then you had a glimmer of hope that something positive would happen if you did contact her. If you aren't to that point of knowing it only will cause pain to contact then NC is just a form of cruel torture, miserable and impossible, at least it is for me.

I'm finally to the point where I know contacting my ex would be pointless. Best case scenario he will see me and it will work out just the way it did last time with nothing being resolved and I will feel empty and sad after seeing him. Worst case, he won't answer me at all or will be cold and refuse to engage with me. Either way, I know I lose dignity and will feel terrible after. I only know this because I already did it once. If I hadn't had already done it then I would still think well maybe. . .

Just move forward from here. The longer you hang on to her, the longer your pain will last as I'm sure you already know that.

April 1, 2016

It's okay. Don't beat yourself up over it.
I think you keep trying to contact until you finally realize it's just pointless or better for yourself not to. If you were not sure whether you should or not, then you had a glimmer of hope that something positive would happen if you did contact her. If you aren't to that point of knowing it only will cause pain to contact then NC is just a form of cruel torture, miserable and impossible, at least it is for me.

I'm finally to the point where I know contacting my ex would be pointless. Best case scenario he will see me and it will work out just the way it did last time with nothing being resolved and I will feel empty and sad after seeing him. Worst case, he won't answer me at all or will be cold and refuse to engage with me. Either way, I know I lose dignity and will feel terrible after. I only know this because I already did it once. If I hadn't had already done it then I would still think well maybe. . .

Just move forward from here. The longer you hang on to her, the longer your pain will last as I'm sure you already know that.

Thank you for that. The only thing thats held me back is that I truly do not see what changes can be made in the grand scheme that will make us stay together in the long run. She was very deceptive, dishonest and underhanded towards the end. Looking back I should have never been with her to begin with but we are where we are.

The very last thing she said to me was that once her son who goes off to college in 4 years, she won't need me anymore. Its THAT final statement that has held me back from breaking NC. I made a lot of mistakes and am far from perfect but I am more than just a resource for an easier life.

There are days when I feel like a lost child. I'm a 42 year old well off, educated man but this experience has shaken me to my core. My faith in relationships is obviously shattered. I went through a very tough divorce 10 years ago and am starting to closely examine myself, my choices and objectives from hereon.

I just want to move on and not feel like waking up every day with a huge hole in my heart.

April 1, 2016

I didn't really have a NC situation when my ex-girlfriend first broke up with me as she still had several items in my apartment (had paid rent for that month so I wasn't gonna force her to remove everything right away), but seeing her multiple times after the breakup did give me some perspective on what it's like being in contact vs. not being in contact.

This is one of those situations where neither option is particularly fun. It's like breaking your leg - you're gonna be in a ton of pain regardless, it'll take time to heal, the only thing you get to decide is whether you're gonna let it heal or poke it with a stick everyday and make it hurt more.

Every time I spoke to my ex with hopes of reconciling, I ended up disappointed. She never said what I wanted to hear. At best, I'd end up angry with her. At worst, I'd end up emotionally annihilated and my day would be shot to ****. NC is by far the best way to heal and move on with your life, and every time it's broken is just another setback.

I do think contact can sometimes knock the dumper off a pedestal for the dumpee. I know with my ex, despite all our issues, I still had this idealized version of her that I wanted back so badly. Each time after the breakup where she acted immaturely, or lied to me, or treated me like trash, I started seeing her for who she truly was. So it did help me in that sense, as I could see who she really was. The last time I saw her she blatantly lied to me again, I knew for a fact she was lying, but even when I called her out on it, she simply tried to cover that up with more lies. That, more than anything, showed me that I could never be with her again. All along, I made excuses for her lies, trying to minimize them because I loved her. Seeing that she would lie to me even when we were already broken up and lying was completely unnecessary, that made me realize that she is just a compulsive liar and I could never trust her.

April 3, 2016

I have just completed 3 months of NC and BU. The past 10 days have been absolute hell. I thought it was suppose to get easier but I'm unbelievably messed up right now. I feel like my life is over. I think its the reality sinking in deeper that what was will never be again.

I went out on a few dates but they were for the mostly a waste to time. I have no desire to casually date or even be with another girl. The crazy thing is that I know that me and my ex are not compatible either so a part of me knows its for the best but I feel like jumping off a cliff.

Please tell me this is normal at the 3 month mark cause I am starting to feel a little suicidal and I know thats not normal.

April 3, 2016

I went 8 weeks NC , texted a few days and we are back in NC, add that together and I'm not to far off the NC mark that you are really, almost 10 weeks and I still feel the same, I have my OK days and bad to worse days.

Sadly there is no set time period to when you will feel better, could be tomorrow, could be next week, could be next year, won't lie to you about it. I think with the dates so far you've had you may be rushing into them to try and feel better and as such are probably making yourself feel worse.

Would give it a while until you know that you feel better, which you will, plus you are only mentioning the last 10 days..I would assume at some point in the 3 months, it wasn't as bad as those days..., if so, at least you know that you did feel better at one point and you will again.

If you are feeling that down though, it may be best to try and seek counseling as well. Also I would recommend keeping a diary/journal, write down what you feel, what time etc. It is helping me quite a bit.

April 3, 2016

This is normal. At least it was for me.

I think the breakup stages and feelings can vary from person to person, and the worst part is comparing yourself to that idealized version of yourself that supposedly should feel a certain way by a certain point. I can remember months 3-4 and I was in a very tortured state, and I've definitely felt like jumping off a cliff time and time again.

If I could give any advice, it would be to stick to no contact like your life depends on it (no social media peeking or anything) and maybe take a break from dating. Some people can handle continuing to date when they're going through the breakup stages, and for others, it's harder and/or can make matters worse. I fall in the latter group so I know how you feel. In theory, it makes sense that you'd want to continue to meet people and do all of that, but when it's just causing reminders to surface and making matters worse, maybe a break is in order.

All I can say is 3 months is very early and it's a long process for some. Also, it makes sense that the pain can really become intense as time passes and it really hits home that it's truly the end and there is no coming back from this, with this person. It feels like hell. I can certainly relate to these feelings.

Another thing I'd recommend is to just continue to live your life and not avoid any triggers or feelings and just cope with the discomfort and pain, while continuing to get out there and live. I regret cocooning myself in many regards and it's made it all the more difficult to face the feelings as they hit me, since I've been guarding them and not really confronting everything head on, as I should have from the start.

You have so much time ahead of you to make it right for yourself so my advice to you, as I would give to myself looking back, is to just live your life. Take walks, read, watch tv, listen to the radio, talk to people. Don't dwell too much on your feelings and don't let your feelings cause you to surrender your life. I know this is easier said than done, but facing the feelings -- as awful as they are -- is the fastest way to move forward and advance your healing.

Good luck and try to be easy on yourself and not set too lofty of expectations, like 'I should be over this by month 6' or 'why am I still feeling this way when x amt of time has passed?' I know the frustration of time passing and things going from bad to worse or just staying constantly bad.

This is why it's better to just focus on the present and just acknowledge how you feel and try not to beat yourself up over it.

I don't know if this is your first breakup or whatever, but if not, it helps to know you got through one before, to know you made it then and you can make it again, if you have experienced such heartache before this.

April 3, 2016

Exactly like Steven1 said, it will take time. Rushing into dates and finding someone new right now isn't exactly something that will sink down with ease. It will get better though, you need to latch onto that hope, because it will truly get better, given time, friends, and family who care for you, lean on them as well as talk about it here if you need to. Everyone heals at their own pace. Best of luck my friends, to both of you. I also see you posting a lot Steven1 and thanks for helping me man. Have a wonderful day you guys and stay strong!

April 3, 2016

I'm sorry you are going through this, I know how it feels. Its been over 2 months since my break-up and honestly I am struggling big time, no motivation, constantly down, feeling terrible, so crap. Devastated. But at times when Im at my most down I like talking to people and it helps me so much. But I had the benefit of my ex having so many problems despite all her money and good looks; she had a massive eating disorder, self loathing and was very argumentative so I can see why it ended, even though she broke up with me randomly I feel like she did me a favour. I know people say this to you but stay strong and tell yourself you are better off without this person. How old are you OP and how long was the relationship?

April 3, 2016

It is normal I guess, I'm in a similar situation. Been NC and past BU for two months now. The first two weeks after the break up were great and I kept telling myself I'm better off without him, but then it all went downhill. Now I'm thinking of him every single day, I feel sad, lonely, angry, everything. I miss him so much and I still doubt that I could ever love someone the way I loved and still love him. I feel like my life is absolutely pointless without him.

Like you, I know it's for the best we broke up(and we were even married), he was toxic and incapable of having a healthy relationship. Still, I can't help the way I feel. Don't fight the way you feel, because I do think it's normal. Accept it, but also try to move on. Keep the NC and try to do something with your life, even though it seems pointless now. Start a new hobby, meet friends, try to be happy. I know how hard it is, but I believe that in the end, we can get over anything.

April 3, 2016

It's normal to have a setback at the 3-month mark because the reality of the situation has set in. You're hurt initially because of the break, but you're still in denial about the situation at that point. A few months down the road that denial fades and the acceptance of the reality becomes stronger, so you're likely to fall back.

The best thing to do is ride it out and stay NC. Recovery isn't a linear process -- you'll go up and down quite a bit. But the further removed you are, you'll notice that the downs aren't as down as they were before and the ups go higher than they did.

April 3, 2016

How old are you OP and how long was the relationship?

Thanks for all the encouragement fellas. I can't express you how much it means to me. I'm 42 years old and consider myself really blessed. I'm a decent looking man, in shape, educated, financially well off. I went through a very nasty divorce 10 years ago and it took me 2 years to get over that.

I think thats the part thats really shocked me. I very rarely ever get nervous or anxious. I may be dying on the inside but I'm ice cool on the surface. I understand that everything in life is temporary and it all gets washed away so why worry too much. My inability to condition my brain to accept my new reality and adjust accordingly is whats really hitting me. My mind is not cooperating and it constantly argues and blames me and I'm getting worn out by it.

My ex was a good person. She wasn't as educated, intelligent or well off but she was everything I could ask for. She grounded me and knew how to manager me. We had different values and philosophies and she felt she would rather start over with someone else than to work on our differences.

We were together for 3 years and lived together for 1 1/2 years. Its her life and she has the right to pursue whatever makes her happy and I respect that. But she was very deceptive and underhanded towards the end. She lied to me a lot and I wouldn't be surprised if she cheated as well as she had a history. I wish her the best as she had a good heart but just not much wisdom.

I just want to move on and Im willing to do WHATEVER it takes. I'm in therapy, I workout, I'm going out with girls but its a just a distraction. Back of my mind, she's always there, no matter where I go or what I do.

Edited April 3, 2016 by Weathersf1

April 3, 2016

I have just completed 3 months of NC and BU. The past 10 days have been absolute hell. I thought it was suppose to get easier but I'm unbelievably messed up right now. I feel like my life is over. I think its the reality sinking in deeper that what was will never be again.

It's like that. Healing comes in cycles. It feels like you're having a set back, but in reality, you're just in a "shifting phase" where your emotions and energy are shifting to their permanent reality--which doesn't include the ex. It's really a good thing, although it doesn't feel like it when you're going through it.

I went out on a few dates but they were for the mostly a waste to time. I have no desire to casually date or even be with another girl. The crazy thing is that I know that me and my ex are not compatible either so a part of me knows its for the best but I feel like jumping off a cliff.

The good thing is that you know far more quickly what you don't want in a new person and you're in a more "ruthless" place getting to that decision about new people. Also, be clear with yourself in the reasons why you're dating again--it is to just have company (not a bad thing) or is it to jump back into a relationship (not a good thing at this point)? If it's to have company, and that includes sex, then be extremely clear what you're able to offer them. If they agree to proceed, then they do so knowing what your present limitations are. That's being fair to them.

Please tell me this is normal at the 3 month mark cause I am starting to feel a little suicidal and I know thats not normal.

It is quite normal. You have to be gentle and patient with yourself. I know as much as I wanted the whole BU process to be over and done with over the weekend, it didn't work out that way. 13 years of a relationship doesn't resolve in 72 hours.

Coming to places like this will really help you out by letting you let your "crazy" off its leash--we all hold your sanity for you for when you want it back. Just vent, my dear. Get that energy off your chest.

April 3, 2016

I'm at the 3 month mark nearly and it's been torture for me still is Iv had to text him today to ask if we can make arrangements for me to collect my stuff ...

Iv heard nothing .... I went away for the weekend to visit family and felt so low I wNted to come home is just drove 4 hours to get their but I stayed.

The journey home today I did nothing but think of him I'm getting depressed my life feels so empty and so still ... I dislike everything at the moment... I have no happiness within me or see any around me.

The worst thing is I have so much going for me but this one man has sucked it all out of me ... I can handle not seeing him not been with him but I can't handle the way he's just cut me out of his life like I never exsisted after a 2 year serious relationship.

My birthday I heard nothing I had messages from all his family and his friends ...

3 months and I still feel like this I don't hate him why can't I hate him ...why can't I be angry with him ...

Everything is suffering my studies my work my family life I have lost interest

I have to get through it I don't know how because everywhere I go no matter how far away or near its painful

April 8, 2016

So we broke up after 3 years of dating and 1 1/2 of living with each other. She said I didn't make her happy anymore. I accepted and we went our separate ways. Its been total NC since Jan 4th.

I have battled the temptation to reach out but I don't have the strength anymore. I know its over but I'm don't know why I'm so tempted to reach out to her. I can't figure what that would achieve. I just feel like I MUST do it.

Anyone ever been there?

April 8, 2016

It's only been 3 months since your ending. It's a common urge to want to break NC. You're detoxing from your addiction to someone. So you're going to want to get a fix.

You can break NC. But after you break it, just know that you'll go back to that same hole you came from. Only thing, the pain is going to be more painful because the outcome isn't going to be any different.

Sometimes you'll have to get beaten over the head a few times before the lesson is learned. Been there and done that.

Best to push through the urge and keep going. If you know nothing will come from it, then stay away from it.

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Seriously considering breaking NC. I can't take it anymore. [updated]

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