Seriously considering breaking NC. I can't take it anymore. [updated]

March 29, 2016

Have been on complete no contact for about 3 months and the break up happened over 4 months ago. I have been seriously tempted for the past week or so to break no contact and I cannot distract myself. I am still real hurt about how everything ended and I guess a part of me just would like to get into contact to see how she is. If she even given thought to what happened.

A part of me tells myself that maybe it is ok if I do break nc but I'm really afraid to go back to square one.

Is this a normal after a period of successfully maintaining nc? Has this happened with anyone else and did you break or keep nc? What was the outcome? I feel so desperate at this moment and I feel guilt, anger, curiosity. I don't even know why exactly.

March 29, 2016

Yes it is normal. It may happen again further down the line after a longer gap.

You absolutely must maintain NC. You will regret it if you don't. The feeling will be gone in a few days.

March 29, 2016

Yes it is normal. It may happen again further down the line after a longer gap.

You absolutely must maintain NC. You will regret it if you don't. The feeling will be gone in a few days.

Thank you Emilia. God knows this is the toughest thing I have ever been through. I had no idea this would hit me as hard. But I need to keep my resolve and march forward.

March 29, 2016

Thank you Emilia. God knows this is the toughest thing I have ever been through. I had no idea this would hit me as hard. But I need to keep my resolve and march forward.

Thing is, when you do it once you realise you have the strength to cut crap out of your life.

March 29, 2016

Thing is, when you do it once you realise you have the strength to cut crap out of your life.

Couldn't agree more.

March 31, 2016

This is a question for all those who have broken the rule of NC. What was it like? Did it really set you back as much as they say it does. Do you regret it and if you do how much? Did you find any comfort or closure or whatever it is you were seeking?

I'm currently completing 3 months of NC, broke up 3 months ago as well after a 3 plus year relationship but for the past week, I can't get it out of my head to break the rule. When I ask myself, what would that EVENTUALLY achieve, I can't come up with a good answer.

Please share your experiences

March 31, 2016

Yes I regretted it because -like you - I forgot some of the reasons I had gone NC for. Meaning I had to go through the same thing again before I walked away for good. Leopards don't change their spots. There is a reason why she is your ex. You will slow your recocery and really it takes a MUCH longer time than 3 months to see the past objectively.

Just stick with it. It's normal for emotional disconnection to take a while.

March 31, 2016

I deeply regretted it. I hadn't been in touch for 1.5 months and she sent a birthday message in late December. That stirred up my feelings again and I contacted in early January. We ended up seeing each other three times and I went back to square one. Actually, it was much worse than going back to square one. It was hell. Two months and a week of NC now and I'm doing so much better. Honestly, the idea of contacting her now is out of the question. The pain I went through for two months is still very fresh in my mind.

March 31, 2016

There is no 'rule of NC.'

It's just an option which can help healing after a breakup.

It does 2 things:

1. Prevents further upset being caused by the ex.

2. Prevents distraction by the ex from the healing process.

It's not a rule or a must; it's just an option.

March 31, 2016

I did break NC. The emotions I felt were, euphoria, anxiety, regret and then acceptance. Pretty much in that order.

I felt good right after contacting my ex. Then after a day or two I got anxious wondering whether there is a chance, or whether she still like me etc. Then it turned into regret. I regret even breaking NC. After all that I slowly moved towards accepting the fact that it is just not going to work out.

Sometimes breaking NC can be terrible for you but sometimes it can be good. It can refresh the fact that it is over. The mind comes up with tons of reason why it may still work but when I broke NC and got no where, it gave me a good perspective again.

March 31, 2016

I too have broken NC when I first had my break up 3 years ago which brought me to this site, after we broke up, I kept breaking NC for 3 month, til I thought new year 2014, new start I need to move on and live my life

since then its now over 2 years, haven't seen him, haven't spoken to him, nothing. I have zilch interest in him, wouldn't never get back with him even if he paid me millions.

I don't wish him sadness or anything nasty, I wish him all the best and happiness in life and I'm ever so grateful as he has taught me a lot about relationships ie what I shouldn't do like beg, be clingy, learn to walk away, not to mother anybody

March 31, 2016

Depends on how/why you broke up, who initiated it and who is breaking NC.

For me, the only time NC got broken (by him - he initiated the BU) was after a couple of years after the BU. He was my first bf, the BU was as amicable as can be. The R had reached a natural end - we had gone through a very rough patch - no abuse or cheating or bad behaviour of any kind though, but the R couldn't survive. There were no hard feelings so when he got in touch for a catch-up, I was happy to hear from him. We're still on friendly terms now, almost 20 years on. He's the only ex I'm in contact with. I initiated all other LTR BUs (because of emotional abuse and controlling behaviour) and I do hope they're doing well but I have no interest in ever hearing from them.

Unless the initiator of the BU is the one breaking NC, only for genuinely disinterested, genuine reasons and only if enough time has passed, keeping NC is the way to go, both IMO and IME.

March 31, 2016

Usually, I was a very disciplined NC individual, never really giving in to my urges. That method does work over time.

Once, and I don't know why, I kept in frequent contact, starting on the day we broke up. We never really talked about getting back together or fixing anything. We just enjoyed each other's company, felt sad with each other, held each other, kissed a little, that sort of thing. I like to think of it as an extended goodbye. There was never really any intention by either of us to get back together again.

That lasted about six months until one day, my bubble popped and I fell out of love completely, just like that. One day in love, the next day out. Boom!

I took her to lunch that day just to make sure. I haven't seen or missed her since, and that was a damn long time ago.

I think probably the worst thing you can do is to see your ex with the intention of reconciling, or to see her only once in a while. You both have to get used to the idea of not being together romantically, both be committed to that proposition, really, just as much as you were committed to each other before. I think that's what really counts, and I also think that's why breaking NC doesn't work so well. Most times, one of you has the idea that you can reconcile and rekindle, and that is where the trouble begins.

Edited March 31, 2016 by mightycpa

March 31, 2016

I regret breaking NC the first time I did. I did it with misguided intentions, I believed I did it for good, that it would help achieve the end result that I wanted - to get him back - but all it did was relieve my pain for a few days and then I was back to square one mentally, and in terms of my situation, all I did was confirm to my ex that I will always stick around no matter what.

Once we start focusing on actions, over words and signs, we start to accept that no matter what they say, no matter what it may seem like, if they wanted to be with us, they would be, or at least trying to fix things enough to be. So based on that they are most likely not, we must heal and the only way to do that is time and space away from this person.

We may not get the outcome we want - them - but NC isn't about them, it's about you, moving on, starting a life without them.

NC is especially important (and hard!) if you have codependant tendencies, because when you break NC with the reasons of 'loving them' all you're doing it is for validation, and that itself is a dangerous cycle.

It's taken me a long time to understand this, and a long time to see that anyone that doesn't want to go NC just doesn't want to accept it's over.

If you don't want to heal you will always find a million excuses to stop you going NC, and if you let them, so will they.

March 31, 2016

I regret breaking NC the first time I did. I did it with misguided intentions, I believed I did it for good, that it would help achieve the end result that I wanted - to get him back - but all it did was relieve my pain for a few days and then I was back to square one mentally, and in terms of my situation, all I did was confirm to my ex that I will always stick around no matter what.

Once we start focusing on actions, over words and signs, we start to accept that no matter what they say, no matter what it may seem like, if they wanted to be with us, they would be, or at least trying to fix things enough to be. So based on that they are most likely not, we must heal and the only way to do that is time and space away from this person.

We may not get the outcome we want - them - but NC isn't about them, it's about you, moving on, starting a life without them.

NC is especially important (and hard!) if you have codependant tendencies, because when you break NC with the reasons of 'loving them' all you're doing it is for validation, and that itself is a dangerous cycle.

It's taken me a long time to understand this, and a long time to see that anyone that doesn't want to go NC just doesn't want to accept it's over.

If you don't want to heal you will always find a million excuses to stop you going NC, and if you let them, so will they.

The perfect post

March 31, 2016

I'm not sure tbh. Me and my ex were no contact for about 8 weeks (I think I sent her one text at the start of those 8 weeks just saying hoping she was ok etc and all of that) Then nothing after that.

After 8 weeks she texted me to say she was sorry if she had hurt me etc, we texted for a few days infrequently and we got to the real reasons as to why we split up etc and she said she's interested in someone else and so on. I don't know. It helped but it also didn't. It helped me that she told me why we broke up, and I think it helped that I knew she was ok. But it killed me when she said she had been speaking to someone else and it may turn into a relationship etc. But again, I think I'm glad she told me rather than me randomly finding out.

We both agreed that we were still feeling pretty emotional over the whole thing, so we are now back at NC until both of us feel comfortable to be able to text, and not have any feelings in that way for one another, or to not have any expectations. May or may not happen, only time will tell.

March 31, 2016

This is a question for all those who have broken the rule of NC. What was it like? Did it really set you back as much as they say it does. Do you regret it and if you do how much? Did you find any comfort or closure or whatever it is you were seeking?

I'm currently completing 3 months of NC, broke up 3 months ago as well after a 3 plus year relationship but for the past week, I can't get it out of my head to break the rule. When I ask myself, what would that EVENTUALLY achieve, I can't come up with a good answer.

Please share your experiences

I know that for me, not maintaining NC kept me stuck in place. Violating it gave me false (psychotic) hope that my ex would come to his senses and come back to me. I thought I was strong enough to have a conversation where I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. I was dead wrong about that.

It got to the point where I would get off the phone (more times than not, me hanging up on him) extremely angry because I could not understand how he could have cheated on me and gone to live with her (we were LDR at the time) when only months before, we'd gone on an amazing vacation together and had gotten closer than I ever thought imaginable. It was like I was dealing with 2 different men.

Violating NC just made me sad and desperate and prolonged me getting him out of my system and on with my life. I truly moved on when I just left him alone, blocked his number, finished grieving the loss of the relationship and moved on.

I have to stress that you will not move on at the pace you should as long as you keep in contact with your ex, thinking that being friends is good enough. You know it's not especially when you want to be their lover and share affection with them, not their friend or their buddy. I seriously doubt I'd ever want to listen to him go on about who he's with--actually, he did that once and I kicked him. I was like "the f? What makes you think I want to hear about that _______" (fill in your colorful, derrogatory word for the person who's cheating with them)

Be good and kind to yourself--give yourself the healing gift of true NC if you want to get over them and move on with your life.

March 31, 2016

The perfect post

Thank you xx

March 31, 2016

I keep breaking NC, haven't managed more than 4 days in past 5 weeks.

I get this stupid thought in my head that it's a good idea. I go over and over in my head what I want to tell her. I type it all out, hit send, and immediately feel like crap. A couple of days later, I do the same damn thing again.

She has found it much easier. I know she has seen / accepted the messages, but for all I know she hasn't even read them.

I know I need to leave it be, but she consumes my thoughts 24/7 and so 2 days feels like weeks. It feels like a part of me has died, or like my arm has been cut off.

I get the odd day when I think I've turned a corner, then the next day I'm back to square one again. I'm convinced that we could make it work. I thought "we" were special enough for her to want to make it work as much as I do. I'm kidding myself.

March 31, 2016

I keep breaking NC, haven't managed more than 4 days in past 5 weeks.
I get this stupid thought in my head that it's a good idea. I go over and over in my head what I want to tell her. I type it all out, hit send, and immediately feel like crap. A couple of days later, I do the same damn thing again.

She has found it much easier. I know she has seen / accepted the messages, but for all I know she hasn't even read them.

I know I need to leave it be, but she consumes my thoughts 24/7 and so 2 days feels like weeks. It feels like a part of me has died, or like my arm has been cut off.

I get the odd day when I think I've turned a corner, then the next day I'm back to square one again. I'm convinced that we could make it work. I thought "we" were special enough for her to want to make it work as much as I do. I'm kidding myself.

This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Even when I keep busy with other things all I can think about is him, & if he'll text me that day. I know NC is the best thing for me right now, but it's not even been a week since the BU & I'm still desperately hanging on for something. Anything.

March 31, 2016

Similar to those above me icyfeline & PLT. Although I did go weeks without contact, she got back in touch with me, it is something I can control, often I will go through some old texts, type it out, but not send it.

I will suggest to any of you struggling, and this is coming from a 24 year old guy who watches football, drinks beer, and goes to the gym, so no stereotypes! lol. KEEP A DIARY. Honestly one of the best choices I have come to make. I just make a word document, put the date,day,time etc, and write everything going through my mind rather than what I did during the day, just write your thoughts down, it even helps me to write down what I want to say to her, that way it's off my chest and I feel as though I've said it.

March 31, 2016

First of all, congrats on 3 months of (hopefully) pure no contact (no social media or texts/calls).

I will say that to me, no contact is crucial to my survival of heartache. It has helped me in the past and so I use the past as a barometer of my success. I know that whenever I've looked at a photo or whatever, I've sunk deeper into this bottomless pit. Before you check on the person, it feels like it won't hurt and that you can't possibly feel any worse, yet you inevitably do.

In terms of actually contacting the person, oh my God, I have felt like hell whenever doing that, because it's like here I am dying and the other person couldn't care less. It's the worst feeling and makes me want to die all the more.

The best thing is to commit to complete no contact in any and all forms and just ride out all feelings until you finally achieve some semblance of peace and acceptance and then keep going until you truly accept it.

Breaking no contact stunts your healing big time. It doesn't matter if you check at the 1 month mark or the year mark, it will hurt every time and set you back in your healing. Think of it as the worst drug for you and just say no.

You can thank yourself later.

Hugs and strength be with you. Don't give into temptation!

March 31, 2016

This is exactly how I feel at the moment. Even when I keep busy with other things all I can think about is him, & if he'll text me that day. I know NC is the best thing for me right now, but it's not even been a week since the BU & I'm still desperately hanging on for something. Anything.

If you left the door open so he could text you, you're not doing NC.

If you were doing NC, he would be blocked on everything.

What you are doing is called 'waiting and hoping.'

Take care.

March 31, 2016

If you left the door open so he could text you, you're not doing NC.

If you were doing NC, he would be blocked on everything.

What you are doing is called 'waiting and hoping.'

Take care.

You're right. He has been talking to me because he still wants to be friends (I know, I know) & I'm taking the breadcrumbs.

March 31, 2016

I know that for me, not maintaining NC kept me stuck in place. Violating it gave me false (psychotic) hope that my ex would come to his senses and come back to me. I thought I was strong enough to have a conversation where I didn't hear what I wanted to hear. I was dead wrong about that.

It got to the point where I would get off the phone (more times than not, me hanging up on him) extremely angry because I could not understand how he could have cheated on me and gone to live with her (we were LDR at the time) when only months before, we'd gone on an amazing vacation together and had gotten closer than I ever thought imaginable. It was like I was dealing with 2 different men.

Violating NC just made me sad and desperate and prolonged me getting him out of my system and on with my life. I truly moved on when I just left him alone, blocked his number, finished grieving the loss of the relationship and moved on.

I have to stress that you will not move on at the pace you should as long as you keep in contact with your ex, thinking that being friends is good enough. You know it's not especially when you want to be their lover and share affection with them, not their friend or their buddy. I seriously doubt I'd ever want to listen to him go on about who he's with--actually, he did that once and I kicked him. I was like "the f? What makes you think I want to hear about that _______" (fill in your colorful, derrogatory word for the person who's cheating with them)

Be good and kind to yourself--give yourself the healing gift of true NC if you want to get over them and move on with your life.

Thank you. That was beautifully summed up.

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Seriously considering breaking NC. I can't take it anymore. [updated]

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