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Taking Her Out for Birthday But No Gift


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Posted
I am 50 years old. I don't have 1 materialistic bone in me BUT if my boyfriend called on the eve of my birthday to tell me he's gonna take me out but he has no present for me, as if I was a little girl he needs to punish, you bet I would be offended!!

 

You did this on purpose to create drama. You wanted a reason to break up, now you have one.

 

Thanks for your opinion. I didn't say this as a punishment for her, nor did I want to create drama. I had picked her up from school and reminded her it was her birthday tomorrow. I had gifts but I had suspicions that she was just very ungrateful. After loaning her money last month for a car, I got these suspicions. I wanted to see if merely taking her to see her favorite things would be enough. And she failed! When I mentioned the symphony she asked "the city?" To which I've replied no, just our state orchestra. (Much to her dismay). That's all I needed to confirm, just wanted opinions of outsiders to confirm I should next be taking a very big step.

  • Like 1
Posted
Thanks for your opinion. I didn't say this as a punishment for her, nor did I want to create drama. I had picked her up from school and reminded her it was her birthday tomorrow. I had gifts but I had suspicions that she was just very ungrateful. After loaning her money last month for a car, I got these suspicions. I wanted to see if merely taking her to see her favorite things would be enough. And she failed! When I mentioned the symphony she asked "the city?" To which I've replied no, just our state orchestra. (Much to her dismay). That's all I needed to confirm, just wanted opinions of outsiders to confirm I should next be taking a very big step.

 

OP you did nothing wrong. Nothing at all. Let's say you didn't have gifts, taking her to see her favorite things should have been more than enough. The fact that she threw a fit speaks volumes. RUN and don't look back.

Posted
Thanks for your opinion. I didn't say this as a punishment for her, nor did I want to create drama. I had picked her up from school and reminded her it was her birthday tomorrow. I had gifts but I had suspicions that she was just very ungrateful. After loaning her money last month for a car, I got these suspicions. I wanted to see if merely taking her to see her favorite things would be enough. And she failed! When I mentioned the symphony she asked "the city?" To which I've replied no, just our state orchestra. (Much to her dismay). That's all I needed to confirm, just wanted opinions of outsiders to confirm I should next be taking a very big step.

 

Wow... what an ingrate. I'd get my property back first before doing anything like breaking up, but I also wouldn't let this drag on.

Posted

She seems very ungrateful. I would just be so mad at her.

Posted

She is materialistic & ungrateful but you are no peach. You set her up. You "tested" her & she failed. You tipped your hand about your plans & now you are mad because she failed your test.

 

 

Your generosity has strings. Personally I like gifts. I would much rather my husband got me a little something to unwrap then dropped a bunch of money on events. I don't care for event gifts, unless I specifically ask for something. One of the best gifts he ever gave me was a bag of Hershey's kisses chocolate. So if he told me he had planned for me all the things you had planned for her, I would have told him to save him money.

 

 

 

 

Why you would purchase a car for someone who you have only known for 6 months is beyond me. If you didn't draw up loan documents & you put this car in her name you probably won't be able to get it back.

  • Like 1
Posted

Okay, weighing in....

 

Dinner and a movie is a date. This is something that could happen any other day of the year. The symphony was the only "gift" you got her - and technically that is a date as well. Is it a nice weekend? Yes, yes it is. But is it anything special? Eh, not so much.

 

Depending on socioeconomic status, at some point dinner and a movie don't cut it as a gift since those are activities that don't require much thought or originality. And again, that's a run of the mill date. Now, if it is a restaurant you can only afford once a year at best, that also makes a difference.

 

Most kids I know EXPECT a cake for their birthday. They don't view it as an expense or a gift. I had friends who told their under aged 10 child he could have gifts OR a party for his birthday, but they wouldn't do both. I didn't think he was old enough to appreciate the fact that a party does still cost money. He did choose the party and I tactfully mentioned to a couple of invitees what was going on. He may have gotten a bit more from people. Both sets of grandparents gave the parents a pretty stern talking-to.

 

So, if my boyfriend were to do what you did, I'd probably be okay with it. But I wouldn't put much effort into his birthday. Dinner, movie and one present. If our sex life was great, I'd probably get a honeymoon suite somewhere for the night.

 

Obviously your girlfriend is not a child, but for whatever reason she does seem to think you can afford both events and birthday presents.

 

Im also not a fan of your " test". If I got wise to the fact I was being tested, the trust would begin to erode and it would be hard for me to love someone who has all these tests and conditions.

  • Like 1
Posted
What? Planning and taking someone you've been dating for 6 months out for multiple fun events is punishment? Whoa.

 

He knows that girlfriends expect and prefer gifts on their birthday. There are only 2 events in the entire year where boyfriends can offer presents and it's birthdays and Xmas. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to withhold the gifts he had already purchased for her. He knew the gifts were a bigger statement than his 'events'.

 

I don't care he had planned 4 events around the world. He knows his girlfriend and he knew not offering her a gift would disappoint her and he did it on purpose.

 

I prefer gifts. I don't care if it's a $5 gift but to me it has more significance than dinner and theater. Maybe because a gift stays and I have something to look at to remember a special moment. Once dinner and theater has gone it's gone.

  • Like 1
Posted
Hello,

Tomorrow is my girlfriend's birthday. We have been together for 6 months. I wanted to surprise her with gifts tomorrow, so I told her I don't have any gifts, but there will be many events throughout the weekend.

 

She demanded to know what the events were so I relented and told her a nice jazz restaurant, going to a late movie, and going to see a symphony play. I also had gifts planned but wanted to keep them a surprise so I said no gifts.

 

She told me to cancel all of these plans, and I finally determined that she was upset that I wouldn't have a gift.

 

I am thinking of returning the gifts and cancelling the events, our relationship has been a little rocky and she is reconfirming my suspicions that she is impossible to please. Thinking of breaking it off, but don't want to give such harsh news on her birthday. She is 30 btw.

 

Thoughts?

Thank you!

 

I have only read your post, iPhone and Lady's so my apologies for being redundant to other posters.

 

Thoughts.....people these days are beyond materialistic and spoiled. I can only asssume that she has never been married or had children and still believes in Santy and the tooth fairy. :roll eyes:

 

Even if you have money....is this carte blanche to spend it on things that are inevitably useless and end up in a drawer or the garage?

If you were to plan a trip or buy her a house then good on you....otherwise, what does she need so dam bad that she can't get herself?

 

More importantly, why isn't time together enough? I would be happy with a good meal and walk in the park...not joking.

 

Lady, I understand your point of view but the child (less than 10) would be perfectly mentally and physically well with either a party or presents.

I don't see that it was your place to 'tactfully' usurp the parent's wishes and they most certainly did not need a stern talking to.

Good lord. Let's hope the apocalypse avoids the meek and sensitive who are distraught/damaged without a party and a cake.......and toys to be broken. :)

  • Like 2
Posted

Ok, I had to re-read the OP...

 

Where did this come off as a "test" he was trying to carry out? Also, where did he say that he "knew" she was a "gift" type person?

 

He said there would be 'events' - those 'events' could include him presenting her with the gifts. She insisted on finding out what the 'events' were and he wanted to keep the gifts as a surprise, but didn't tell her. So, she ruined it for herself. If she didn't insist on finding out the details, he wouldn't have held back the gift (trying to keep it as a "surprise").

 

And, even "if" she's a gift person - IMO, she was still rude and ungrateful. Again, I don't see where he knew she preferred gifts. Dating is where we take time to get to learn about each other to see if we're a match. He had no mal intent, so she should have shown appreciation and then when time rolled around for her next birthday (if they lasted that long) then, she could have expressed her preferences.

 

And, just like how some people think a dinner is just "routine", same way with a gift. IMO, it takes less planning and/or time into getting a gift than it is to take someone to dinner. But yes, I do agree that if you're gonna take someone out to dinner, it better be something "special" - no freaking chain restaurant nonsense.

  • Like 2
Posted
Thanks for all replies! I knew things were bad, and I just wanted her to have a car because she just came to the USA last year from a poor country and at this age never had a car so I thought it would be something nice. I figured what's the harm to put it on credit card if she would make payments? But it only caused problems. Everyone here has been helpful and I thank you for your taking the time to reply. She has only paid 1% of the car back as payments have just begun.

 

 

 

 

---

 

I am thinking of just taking the car and sending her on her way.

 

^^ Yes please do this, sooner rather than later!

 

Next.

Posted
I have only read your post, iPhone and Lady's so my apologies for being redundant to other posters.

 

Thoughts.....people these days are beyond materialistic and spoiled. I can only asssume that she has never been married or had children and still believes in Santy and the tooth fairy. :roll eyes:

 

Even if you have money....is this carte blanche to spend it on things that are inevitably useless and end up in a drawer or the garage?

If you were to plan a trip or buy her a house then good on you....otherwise, what does she need so dam bad that she can't get herself?

 

More importantly, why isn't time together enough? I would be happy with a good meal and walk in the park...not joking.

 

Lady, I understand your point of view but the child (less than 10) would be perfectly mentally and physically well with either a party or presents.

I don't see that it was your place to 'tactfully' usurp the parent's wishes and they most certainly did not need a stern talking to.

Good lord. Let's hope the apocalypse avoids the meek and sensitive who are distraught/damaged without a party and a cake.......and toys to be broken. :)

 

They could afford it and they didn't sacrifice for their birthdays as adults, so the grandparents felt they were holding a child to very different standards they had for themselves and their social circle/what other parents did. They were cutting corners for no reason. Oh - and the maternal grandmother told her daughter that she wouldn't give her money for her birthday anymore, but she could choose from two medium price restaurants instead of the usual upper crust restaurant they went to.

 

They got the hint. We are talking about people who net $300K a year and don't live in a major metro. They have more disposable income than most people make in two years.

 

Also, I would say there are four days a year where people can give gifts and do nice things for each other. Valentine's, Anniversry, Birthday and Christmas.

Posted (edited)
He knows that girlfriends expect and prefer gifts on their birthday. There are only 2 events in the entire year where boyfriends can offer presents and it's birthdays and Xmas. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to withhold the gifts he had already purchased for her. He knew the gifts were a bigger statement than his 'events'.

 

I don't care he had planned 4 events around the world. He knows his girlfriend and he knew not offering her a gift would disappoint her and he did it on purpose.

 

I prefer gifts. I don't care if it's a $5 gift but to me it has more significance than dinner and theater. Maybe because a gift stays and I have something to look at to remember a special moment. Once dinner and theater has gone it's gone.

 

You forgot Valentine's Day. :)

 

Yes he did it on purpose, because he suspected she was a materialistic golddigger, and guess what he was right!

 

We all do what we need to do.

 

Hey you have suggested to women they create fake profiles on line to *test* whether their boyfriend is dating others. When they have suspicions he is.

 

Is that any different from what the OP did?

 

I don't think so.

Edited by katiegrl
  • Like 1
Posted
I had suspicions that she was just very ungrateful. After loaning her money last month for a car, I got these suspicions. I wanted to see if merely taking her to see her favorite things would be enough. And she failed!

 

Where did this come off as a "test" he was trying to carry out? Also, where did he say that he "knew" she was a "gift" type person?.

 

 

Gloria

 

 

He implied it was a test in the paragraph I quoted above. I don't think the OP ever said she was a "gift" person. I said I am a gift person.

 

 

Both of these people have issues in this relationship so perhaps they are better off apart.

Posted

Hey you have suggested to women they create fake profiles on line to *test* whether their boyfriend is dating others. When they have suspicions he is.

 

Yep I do suggest that lol.

 

A better test would have been for him to not splurge on events and to offer her a humble present. If the gift was not expensive enough for her then yes she is materialistic.

 

Withdrawing the gifts all together as a test sounds like someone who wants the test to fail.

 

Also if they have been dating for 6 months I imagine he offered her a Xmas present? So the guy goes from giving gifts to not giving gifts. All of it screams provocation.

  • Like 1
Posted
Yep I do suggest that lol.

 

A better test would have been for him to not splurge on events and to offer her a humble present. If the gift was not expensive enough for her then yes she is materialistic.

 

Withdrawing the gifts all together as a test sounds like someone who wants the test to fail.

 

Also if they have been dating for 6 months I imagine he offered her a Xmas present? So the guy goes from giving gifts to not giving gifts. All of it screams provocation.

 

Hmmm, I think the test was telling her he would be taking her out to a bunch of events, but no gifts ...and gauge her reaction.

 

Her reaction was calling the entire date off and telling him to cancel the events. Like a petulant child...because she was not getting gifts.

 

It was then when he decided to withdraw the gifts and break up with her.... as her reaction to no gifts would certainly suggest she is only with him for what he can give her, by way of material things.

 

That is my understanding of it anyway.

Posted

 

If it don't flow, let it go.

 

I like this. Very smooth rhyme.

Posted (edited)
He knows that girlfriends expect and prefer gifts on their birthday. There are only 2 events in the entire year where boyfriends can offer presents and it's birthdays and Xmas. He knew exactly what he was doing when he decided to withhold the gifts he had already purchased for her. He knew the gifts were a bigger statement than his 'events'.

 

I don't care he had planned 4 events around the world. He knows his girlfriend and he knew not offering her a gift would disappoint her and he did it on purpose.

 

I prefer gifts. I don't care if it's a $5 gift but to me it has more significance than dinner and theater. Maybe because a gift stays and I have something to look at to remember a special moment. Once dinner and theater has gone it's gone.

 

This is your preference (and clearly his girlfriend's) but that does not make it universal. I'd much rather someone put thought into planning something they know I'd enjoy than buy me a gift because it's "expected". Not to say gifts can't be thoughtful but I wouldn't throw a fit if I didn't get one. I would just be grateful that he cared enough about me to show interest in what I like and acknowledge my birthday by treating me to it. And the "event" he planned was something she enjoys (symphony).

 

Anyway, since the original post, the OP has made it clear that he did do this on purpose but that does not make her reaction any less appalling. So in the end, I think he's better off.

Edited by AndOrchid
Posted

I think the whole problem here could stem from the fact that the OP bought her a car before even really knowing her. It was a very nice gesture, but also may have set an expectation of things to come.

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