Single by circimstance, not CHOICE

[A Silver Lining]

I wasn't sure what category this question would fit under so I'm posting it here. I'm a 38 year old female. I've never been married because I've had issues with self-confidence and self-perception issues since I was a pre-teen, pretty all of my life. The fact that my mother and father constantly berated my looks, my attitude, my view on life, everything pretty much colored my world and my view of how others might perceive me. As a result, I am now a train wreck. It doesn't help that this has all taken its toll on not only my attitude but my physical appearance as well. I've date men off and on through the years, but nothing ever stuck beyond two weeks. I think that's the longest I ever dated anyone. I've pretty much stopped dating. I think the last date I was on I was 27 years old, before I pretty much lost what looks and attractiveness I had. Cut to the chase. I am now in a working environment where I'm hit up by single guys, married ones asking for dates, flirting. Women who want to set me up with an unmarried man, etc. To make a very long story short, I've about given up dating for good. It simply does not interest me anymore so of course I turn down any offers for intimate relationships. I'm simply not interested. My mind won't go there. I've been called names. B%*tch, lesbian, you name it. I'm not even close to being lesbian. Never been turned on by a woman. I've been asked WHY I've never been married, if I'm attracted to men and not women? I find it all very insulting and frustrating to say the least. I've been trying to think of a good reason to divulge without going into personal details, but I can't think of anything. To be called a lesbian? Because I don't date? Its ludicrous! Its insulting to a woman who has always identified as straight. Why does everything have to be black and white these days? Why can't a person remain single if they choose without being stereotyped? In my youth I've always been attracted to men. I'm single becuae I never felt I was good enough physically or emotionally for another person. If I was ever going to be attracted to anyone, it would be someone of the opposite sex. I feel I'm rambling but I don't know how else to express the frustration I feel, and it borders on sexual harassment.

[PegNosePete]

Who says these things to you? People at work?

 

Just tell them it's none of their business and you don't want to discuss your personal life with them.

[A Silver Lining]

I've actually told them this. No, I'm not here to discuss my personal life. If that means that I keep to myself and get called a B or worse, then so be it. Problem is when I say it like that, they automicatally by default assume I must be a lesbian or attracted to women, if I'm not dating a man. Hello? I'm not dating. PERIOD. If I were to date someone, it'd be a man.

[PegNosePete]

Who cares what they assume? They're not your friends. You need to not care what they think.

 

 

If they are calling you names or slandering you then speak to HR.

[Mr. Lucky]

I wasn't sure what category this question would fit under so I'm posting it here. I'm a 38 year old female. I've never been married because I've had issues with self-confidence and self-perception issues since I was a pre-teen, pretty all of my life. The fact that my mother and father constantly berated my looks, my attitude, my view on life, everything pretty much colored my world and my view of how others might perceive me. As a result, I am now a train wreck. It doesn't help that this has all taken its toll on not only my attitude but my physical appearance as well. I've date men off and on through the years, but nothing ever stuck beyond two weeks. I think that's the longest I ever dated anyone. I've pretty much stopped dating. I think the last date I was on I was 27 years old, before I pretty much lost what looks and attractiveness I had. Cut to the chase. I am now in a working environment where I'm hit up by single guys, married ones asking for dates, flirting. Women who want to set me up with an unmarried man, etc. To make a very long story short, I've about given up dating for good. It simply does not interest me anymore so of course I turn down any offers for intimate relationships. I'm simply not interested. My mind won't go there. I've been called names. B%*tch, lesbian, you name it. I'm not even close to being lesbian. Never been turned on by a woman. I've been asked WHY I've never been married, if I'm attracted to men and not women? I find it all very insulting and frustrating to say the least. I've been trying to think of a good reason to divulge without going into personal details, but I can't think of anything. To be called a lesbian? Because I don't date? Its ludicrous! Its insulting to a woman who has always identified as straight. Why does everything have to be black and white these days? Why can't a person remain single if they choose without being stereotyped? In my youth I've always been attracted to men. I'm single becuae I never felt I was good enough physically or emotionally for another person. If I was ever going to be attracted to anyone, it would be someone of the opposite sex. I feel I'm rambling but I don't know how else to express the frustration I feel, and it borders on sexual harassment.

 

It's possible that in their (inappropriate!) ways, they're tapping in to your own conflicted feelings about being single. You might think about ways in which your dress, demeanor and attitude portray your view of the world.

 

Regardless, no excuse for harassment in the workplace. I'd echo this:

 

If they are calling you names or slandering you then speak to HR.

 

Mr. Lucky

[Toodaloo]

Far worse things to be than a lesbian.

 

I sometimes feel quite jealous of them as women have much prettier bodies than men, and they put the loo seat down, so why can't I be attracted to that instead?

 

Don't worry about any of it.

 

Far better to be single than in an unhappy relationship and to hell with what anyone else thinks. Its what you think of yourself that matters. If you can look at yourself in the mirror and like the person looking back at you then you are doing just fine.

 

As for what to say? A simple "no thanks" should suffice. And if they go on, just ask them what their problem is! Because it is their problem not yours. Its not wrong to ask you out and nor is it wrong for you to say no.

[mikeylo]

Its non of anyone's business. Maybe they are jealous that you dont have to deal with the relationship troubles ? Report to HR.No working around it after a limit.

[A Silver Lining]

Thank you to everyone's advice. This is precisely what brought me to this point. I reported to my direct supervisor, told him I was going to WALK OUT the front door and leave it all hanging if something wasn't done. He temporarily placed me in a different department, which hasn't changed anything. First question I get asked, Soooo are you married? OH MY GOD. I answer that question then the next 6 questions invariably ensue. Never married? why? You don't like men? Do you have kids? Ever had sex? Are you attracted to women? Yeah, that's my life.

[Gloria25]

I empathize with the OP...

 

It's not that simple to tell people to "mind your own business" in the workplace.

 

I mean, mindless chatter about their day, weekend, families, etc. is as "normal" going to be argued a loner, anti social, etc. And, if you have one of those idiot supervisor/managers, they're gonna try to write you up saying you can't get along with others.

 

So, gossips and troublemakers thrive in this environment - worst if you have a female boss, cuz they, especially in this day/age think the workplace is supposed to be this Club Med type environment where people are supposed to be sitting around in front of a camp fire singing Cumbaya - when the workplace is where we come to get our mission done.

 

I'm cool with small talk and being professional, but no one should be "forced" to be social. Yes, when you make friends at the workplace it's cool cuz it makes the 8 hours more tolerable - but I just put in my earphones, listen to my Podcast/music/comedy shows and go home content. I have friends, family and a "life" outside of the workplace and that's the way it should be. The workplace should not be the place where you go to date, meet people and/or get fulfillment out of life.

 

One time when I first joined the military, I went to sit alone and have breakfast. I was mature for a 20something and didn't wanna hear the banter of a bunch of stupid kids (thank God my Basic Training battle buddy was a 32 year old woman). So, all of a sudden a bunch of them start sitting around me saying that I can't eat alone cuz the instructors are gonna think that I'm suicidal

 

We also have a society where "group think" is being shoved down our throats, so in the workplace they want you blabbing and chatting with others and not to be on your own.

 

So, in the workplace it's not just that easy to back out of nosy and intrusive banter cuz if you do, you're gonna be labeled and/or written up.

[Gloria25]

Thank you to everyone's advice. This is precisely what brought me to this point. I reported to my direct supervisor, told him I was going to WALK OUT the front door and leave it all hanging if something wasn't done. He temporarily placed me in a different department, which hasn't changed anything. First question I get asked, Soooo are you married? OH MY GOD. I answer that question then the next 6 questions invariably ensue. Never married? why? You don't like men? Do you have kids? Ever had sex? Are you attracted to women? Yeah, that's my life.

 

No offense, but you gotta learn how to handle these people...

 

For example when they say "Never married?", say "How long have you been married?"

 

When they say "Do you like men?", say "I see you're married for years, do you like your husband?"

 

When they say "Do you have kids?", ask "How many kids do you have, do you like kids?"

 

In other words, you don't answer their questions and start questioning them. Either they'll get tired of trying to pry and move on to the next victim or they'll realize how stupid they are when the same questions they ask are being made to them.

 

Running to HR is gonna make you look like you got issues....

 

Oh gosh, I would love to see the look on their faces when you don't answer them and start asking them about them. I wonder if they'd be bold enough to say "Why don't you answer my questions?"; and, that's when you smile and say "But you're such a more interesting person, why won't you answer my questions?"

[A Silver Lining]

I empathize with the OP...

 

It's not that simple to tell people to "mind your own business" in the workplace.

 

I mean, mindless chatter about their day, weekend, families, etc. is as "normal" going to be argued a loner, anti social, etc. And, if you have one of those idiot supervisor/managers, they're gonna try to write you up saying you can't get along with others.

 

So, gossips and troublemakers thrive in this environment - worst if you have a female boss, cuz they, especially in this day/age think the workplace is supposed to be this Club Med type environment where people are supposed to be sitting around in front of a camp fire singing Cumbaya - when the workplace is where we come to get our mission done.

 

I'm cool with small talk and being professional, but no one should be "forced" to be social. Yes, when you make friends at the workplace it's cool cuz it makes the 8 hours more tolerable - but I just put in my earphones, listen to my Podcast/music/comedy shows and go home content. I have friends, family and a "life" outside of the workplace and that's the way it should be. The workplace should not be the place where you go to date, meet people and/or get fulfillment out of life.

 

One time when I first joined the military, I went to sit alone and have breakfast. I was mature for a 20something and didn't wanna hear the banter of a bunch of stupid kids (thank God my Basic Training battle buddy was a 32 year old woman). So, all of a sudden a bunch of them start sitting around me saying that I can't eat alone cuz the instructors are gonna think that I'm suicidal

 

We also have a society where "group think" is being shoved down our throats, so in the workplace they want you blabbing and chatting with others and not to be on your own.

 

So, in the workplace it's not just that easy to back out of nosy and intrusive banter cuz if you do, you're gonna be labeled and/or written up.

 

This! This exactly. I agree 100 percent that the workplace is not the ideal place to make friends. I'm not so sure that friendships are that stable if they are made beyond 3rd grade anyway. I have a complete theory on that, but that is for another day. I'm already dealing with the stigma everyday that I probably been labelled the the B word cuz I won't indulge. There's days when I break out in a cold sweat thinking about the day ahead of me. Driving to work, seeing that big building looming up on me gives me heart palpitations and I wanna drive on. Drive someplace far away. Some of these days I might do it too.

[A Silver Lining]

 

Oh gosh, I would love to see the look on their faces when you don't answer them and start asking them about them. I wonder if they'd be bold enough to say "Why don't you answer my questions?"; and, that's when you smile and say "But you're such a more interesting person, why won't you answer my questions?"

 

I'm gonna try this!

[Lady2163]

Give people the benefit of the doubt.

 

People have casual, personal conversations at work.

 

I'm not able to be much of a girly girl. As I type this, I'm watching a couple of hours of brush work and leaf work go up in flames. I'm covered in grime and I smell like barbecue. So, I've had the lesbian comment a few times in my life.

 

You could use some counseling or life skills boost. Because the thing is, you could have answered these questions or redirected people without feeling insulted.

 

"I'm single by choice."

"I really life my independence. I don't share my money or time well with others"

"I love being single and doing what I want when I want."

"I'm just out of a bad relationship and not ready to date yet."

"A friend had a nasty breakup with a guy she worked with. I don't date in the workplace."

"I deserve more than a married man can offer me."

 

 

When I get the lesbian comment or implication, I just laugh. Usually I have a few comments in reserve. My favorite is to tell people I am "strictly dickly" but a backup is "I'm straight, but not narrow."

 

Work is often the primary social interaction. It can be the safest way to meet people. You get to observe them in another environment. If you don't want to be single and aren't opposed to dating in the workplace, what is stopping you from accepting some of these offers?

[Gloria25]

This! This exactly. I agree 100 percent that the workplace is not the ideal place to make friends. I'm not so sure that friendships are that stable if they are made beyond 3rd grade anyway. I have a complete theory on that, but that is for another day. I'm already dealing with the stigma everyday that I probably been labelled the the B word cuz I won't indulge. There's days when I break out in a cold sweat thinking about the day ahead of me. Driving to work, seeing that big building looming up on me gives me heart palpitations and I wanna drive on. Drive someplace far away. Some of these days I might do it too.

 

Yep, I'm there with ya...

 

And, of the ones who make "friends", they form cliques like they were in high school and start picking on others - worst if the boss/supervisor/manager is part of the clique. They start slacking.

 

The other day at work, this guy and woman (no sexual attraction - they're friends) spent time talking, talking, and talking and got nothing done. So there you go, encourage "friendships" at work all day - does more for loss production than a "happy, happy, joy joy" environment in a eutopia that they want.

 

On 60 Minutes they had a show one time how Google or something does these bunch of stupid stuff all day to "team build" and stimulate creativity, etc. all freakin day cuz of the Millenials and I would shoot myself in the head if I worked in Google. Trust me, my productivity and efficiency is off the charts. I work best alone. I don't need hooorrrrah all day to get me motivated to do my job.

 

http://www.cbsnews.com/news/inside-google-workplaces-from-perks-to-nap-pods/

 

And, places like Google can get away with spending all day making fools of themselves cuz they are data mining our information and probably selling it to the government, marketers, etc. In, other words, they're making money and can sit around all day doing nothing. A work environment that applies to Google doesn't apply to other careers/industries.