Beamer250 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Hi I posted a few weeks ago what, I guess, seemed a fairly straightforward case of a girl that had gone off me and didn't want to tell me as I was so into her. I would appreciate some advice as I'm going stir crazy as some of what she did really didn't make sense. Very briefly, I'm 39 and have always had confidence issues with women, I'm reasonable enough looking but not a head turner by any means, and combined with the lack of confidence I've ended up falling into the 'sweet and lovely' category. I won't repeat chapter and verse on the relationship - she was 34, and whilst I know everyone who falls in love says this she really was whole deal - we're both English, she was well spoken, articulate, intelligent, thoughtful, exquisitely pretty and I fell like I have never fallen before. She was recently separated from her husband, whom she said was controlling and that's why she left (I only found out quite how recent about three months in, it was around a couple of months after she'd left). She seemed to really like me but had children, a lot in her life, and I guess if I'm really honest I never believed that she could really fall in love with me (which of course tends to precipitate that). She was very warm at times but distant at others. I appreciate - fully - that this already sounds an open and shut case. But we went out for over a year in the end, and in the middle part of the relationship things were particularly warm, she started to say things "maybe forever" and talk about me becoming involved in her kids lives as her divorce moved forward in early 2016. In fact, I met the kids earlier than scheduled, I'd met her mother (she seemed tickled pink on that night) and everything seemed to go well. Then, she seemed to back off (my hunch is that I 'ran' with the good stuff she'd said as if it was a done deal and it put her off) and things got quite cold....although oddly I was still starting to meet her kids. I thought we'd split up, but we got warmer again during Christmas. She was cold again over NEw YEar, backed out of booking a holiday in May which I subsequently paid for, she was hot and cold, and finally ended it over a family holiday in February. So far, so simple. In a nutshell, she sent out a lot of mixed messages, and it's these I need to understand. Perhaps I'm just too analytical, and take too much literally, but it is confusing me. And she was quite a complex person. What's confusing me is this - in NOvember, I could tell things had changed and despite me meeting the kids I was pretty sure she was going to end it. We ended up being warmer during December, and things for the most part we were warm - and what's really puzzling me is that I guess I always wondered whether she really meant things about the long term, and worried that she could meet a guy who would make her weak at the knees and be totally available to, and maybe thought that her feelings had changed in November, she was less 'doey eyed' and maybe she was just holding off for Christmas, or for her holiday in Feb as a break. But what was weird is that she would be incredibly warm, loving, but only bought one ticket for a trip she bought me at Christmas (saying she didn't have the money for two - I know, I know). So because I was kind of still on 'dump alert' I never really relaxed....and yet 22nd December she wanted to see me, and on the 23rd I met her kids again (unscheduled). On Xmas Eve she told me I was wonderful and that her kids liked the presents I'd bought them and I left her in peace on Xmas Day yet still got a text saying "I don't want another Xmas Day without you". But....I went to see her family on Boxing DAy and she was fine but not warm (the kids were with the Dad by that point) but she wanted to see me additional times between Xmas and NYE..... But yet over NYE was cold, she told I needed to not try so hard and be so available (which hurt) and when we got home she said she had the kids and couldn't see me for a week. Of course, I braced myself again - she was just hanging on for New Year. The week went by, some nice messages but she didn't see me - and by the Saturday she definitely seemed to be backing off, and gave a weak excuse about not booking the holiday. Perhaps she was just hoping I'd take the hint as she didn't like conflict.....but equally she'd been cold for a day or two even for our best times and she had a lot on her plate. Anyway, she warmed - I know, it might just have been backing out of a difficult decision, but the next day she didn't want me to go and asked me to stay, and when I'd gone she was sending me things like "I'm putty in your hands, you've infiltrated my psyche". Again the following week she wanted to see me more than we'd planned, and was sending me sexy photos etc imploring me to come round. She went cold again.....and this was just before our anniversary weekend away.....but by the time we got there she was warmer. I'd only bought a token gift as I thought she'd made her mind up - but she was very loving again, was very sexual, talked about the future, camping with the kids in the summer and how she would really like that - and she made me a lovely scrapbook full of memories of our first year (including captions such as "made for each other" "perfect couple" and "we're going to back to here, there etc). It all felt powerful and genuine - and at one point she put her finger over my lips in the street and said "I. Love. You" and held my glance. We got back, she was colder on the journey again, but warmed up when we got home....next morning she said she was 'reverberating' from everything we'd done together, and showed a lovey dovey picture of two foxes together (it was our thing) and said 'truly....madly.....deeply'. The next week was 'normal nice' she said I was special and she could talk to me all night, and again there was an impromptu meeting with her kids - I started to reassess. But....by the following week (week before she went to Abu Dhabi with her family and kids) she looked more awkward again, I brought her birthday present over and she had sex with me but almost in a "I should do way". And the weekend before she flew out we went away and she was definitely colder and damned with faint praise (although even then she was sexually active and at times was still warm). But definitely colder by the end. I braced again - this time I was sure she was using the holiday as a break. A few more days passed - she said she'd do a couple of things for me and didn't, she did a couple of other 'don't care' things, so when she came over for an early Valentine's Day I thought it was it (particularly as she was late and said she had to go early). But she warmed again....and had got my quite a nice Valentine's Day card saying she loved me til it hurt.....we made love. I slept in the spare room as I had a cold, went in expecting 'this is it' and she was naked, legs akimbo, saying "I've been awake waiting for you for an hour to come and do what I want you to do me". We had sex, she left, told me she loved me......there was a lovey dovey voicemail later in the day and another nice message....... And then she went away, went quite distant and did exactly what I thought she'd do - I asked why she was do distant, and WW3 broke out and I was called everything under the sun. I was dignified - and said "right, I walk away, good luck" but even then she still came back attacking saying I was needy, pathetic. EVen the next couple of days I was getting antagonistic e-mails when I'd walked away and broke contact. Like I say....it could be a beautiful girl who'd regained her confidence, met someone else, or just decided she could do better but we'd been together for a year, and she could see all along how much it meant to me. But what I don't understand is that even if you're marking time, but want to make a realistic fist of still being interested (perhaps just up to the holiday) why text me on Xmas day saying you never wanted another one without me? Why make someone a wonderful scrapbook (just buy a little present). Why talk about the long term when I was so sure she wanted out I wasn't bringing anything like that up? Why still introduce me to her kids again when there was no need and it hadn't been scheduled? And even though she was cold and looking like she was going to bolt in the week beforehand, why still be organising things for afterwards with my friends? Why ask me about kids on the weekend before (even though she was more detached)? And why, if she'd met someone else or didn't want me anymore.....how could she want to have passionate sex with me before she went night and morning - surely she wouldn't have wanted to. I know it may still seem like a deluded, over-thinking guy and an open and shut case - but the above things don't really make sense in any shape or form. Pointless I love you's, small gifts, semi-mushy texts...I wouldn't read into them. But saying the Christmas thing and being cold a few days later.....making me a scrapbook and talking about the future off her own bat, and telling me she was storing the weekend in her 'mind palace' and then telling she was 'truly madly deeply' the Monday morning......why do that stuff? I'd appreciate any thoughts. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Look Mr. Beamer, All of this is really irrelevant. The fact is, the relationship is over. That's all that matters. Now you need to NC and move on with your life. It's not necessary to understand every little thing she did or didn't do. That will not change the fact that it's over. The fact is that she sent you mixed messages, chances are she was confused herself. But ultimately didn't want to be in a relationship with you. Sorry but that's the only thing that matters here. It's over...
Satu Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I don't think you're deluded, but I do think you're an over-thinker who sifts through every little event in minute detail. The problem with that is that it can cause you to miss the big picture, which I think you have. I don't think she was ever into you as much as you were into her. I think she tried to be into you as much, but just didn't feel it. As PegNosePete said, you need to go NC and work on moving on. Stop (over) analysing all these little events. Turn your attention to yourself and make your own wellbeing your sole focus. Take care.
Author Beamer250 Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Thanks both - you're right of course. It just feels desperate right now - I'd had some good relationships previously but nothing like this, and sometimes when you're with someone with so much about them, confidence and experience to back it up, and I felt so "I'll-equipped" and boring, and I can't imagine ever feeling or having the chance to feel again. Also at the end she really did go for the jugular - even after I'd walked away. It was like she almost wanted to hurt me (and knew what would) and sent provocative messages until I reacted (which Id resolved not to do). She also said I was emotionally immature which hurts - perhaps I am and Ido analyse too much) but in all fairness I did try not to......I guess I've always tried to be fairly honest with people. I've said I love you when I ha ent - everyone has - but I guess what hurt is that she made out that she was mature and "sorted" and that everything said only applied in the moment (she also mentioned oxitocyn a lot!) I always felt that wasn't maturity but hiding from responsibilty....but maybe I'm wrong. I do think that I love you should mean something....and she said it am awful lot but then told me she never did. And whilst I do sift through detail - I do think saying "I don't want another Xmas with out you" isn't a light thing to say, you know? So I've lost someone I loved totally - and she seemed to make a virtue of ramming it down my throat, even when Id walked away with out argument. It hurts and she's made me feel like a total idiot when I think a lot of guys would have been taken in by the frequent stuff she said and did. How do you move on when you can't imagine feeling the same way about someone, particularly at 39 (she was a rare gem, the whole package who was only where she was because she had a bad time in her teens and twenties and married a much older guy)? She was so rare. Thus said I'm sure I was quite intensive to go out with (not in texts or time spent, but in looking for signals). Ironically our best time was when I was more realxed as I was concentrating on my job, that's when the tears, the "forever" stuff and her talking about living together came out without solicitation. Any advice on moving on would be great. I can't sleep or concentrate, even though I was always on tenterhooks, probably knew she didn't feel the same and thought is prepared myself.
PegNosePete Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 She also said I was emotionally immature which hurts - perhaps I am and Ido analyse too much) You don't seem immature to me, in fact quite the opposite, you seem well spoken and thoughtful and logical. But over analysing, yeah. How do you move on when you can't imagine feeling the same way about someone, particularly at 39 (she was a rare gem, the whole package who was only where she was because she had a bad time in her teens and twenties and married a much older guy)? She was so rare. Well for a start you have to just be single for a while. Forget about finding anyone else. Just live your life for YOU. That starts by NCing your ex. Do things you've always wanted to do. Go to the gym, get in better shape. Take up new hobbies, join a rock band, hike Kilimanjaro, go snowboarding, learn to cook a killer chilli or venison stew or duck a l'orange. Give yourself other things to be excited about. It will not be instant and you'll have up days and down days, but soon the down days will get fewer and the up days will get more numerous. Then one day you'll realize you haven't thought about her for a week and you can't even remember her birthday. THAT is when you start to think about finding someone new. And believe me, it's not as difficult as you think. I met my partner at age 40 after divorcing at 36 and being single for 4 years. There are plenty of great women in our age range. Plenty either haven't met the man of their dreams, or have split up from Mr. Wrong.
Satu Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 snip *Any advice on moving on would be great. I can't sleep or concentrate, even though I was always on tenterhooks, probably knew she didn't feel the same and thought is prepared myself. Concentrate on yourself. From my journal: Generally speaking, when someone is obsessing about their ex, that preoccupation causes the person to neglect themselves. Are you eating healthily? Are you drinking enough water? Are you exercising? Are you spending time with other people, family and friends? Are you getting out of the house enough? Are you getting enough rest? Are you avoiding drugs and alcohol? Are you doing fun stuff, just for enjoyment? Are you keeping up with all of your responsibilities? Those are the things you need to do before you do anything else. Take care. 1
Author Beamer250 Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 That's a great post, thanks. I should stress I have no contacted now for 6-7 weeks, and to be honest I wanted to as soon as she started sending nasty texts, but when someone's hurt you it can be difficult not to give in to wanting answers and at one point she sent me a blunt text (after dumping me by text) saying I want the tickets back I gave you on Valentines Day (they were only tickets to a local show). Unfortunately the vindictiveness caught me and I asked why she said what she said.....and I got a whole load of invective. I think the tragedy (for me) is that I met her at a time when I was not feeling great about myself and couldn't trust myself to be me - I'm not saying it would have made a difference, but natural and relaxed would logically have been better for someone in her position. And when someone has said "possibly forever" and been very attentive, it was frustrating that I ran with it like a done deal and probably killed it. I miss her terribly, she was wonderful although she could be very selfish at times. Some other lucky so and so is going to benefit form hhe post divorce her and it breaks my heart, and also that at the very minimum she can at least go out with more relaxed guys with more experience that can be fun and less intense - and she will get some top draw guys wanting to go out with her also. Thanks again, I'll take the Advice on board but it hurts like hell. 1
Satu Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Another journal entry: Carry on 'debriefing' yourself, and expressing your thoughts and feelings. Telling your story is an important part of the healing process. Its usually necessary to tell the story a few times over, as new insights and realisations come to mind. Carry on telling your story. Carry on until there are no more realisations and insights to be found in it. Keep on posting.
PegNosePete Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Some other lucky so and so is going to benefit form hhe post divorce her Or some other poor sap is going to get a barrage of abuse and a tirade of nasty texts when she dumps him for no apparent reason, and plunges his world into complete ruin, like she did with you. The best predictor of future performance, is past performance. There's 2 sides to every coin... 1
momtjc Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 hi, sorry to hear about your situation. i do think you blame yourself for things you had little control over. when this girl was hot and cold, it could have been because of her situation and really not something you should over analyze or blame yourself for. i'm sorry to hear that activities were scheduled and paid for and then cancelled. you don't deserve this. it sounds like she's not ready for a relationship and was not fair to you or respectful of your feelings. sometimes we want something (someone) more because we know we can't have them. this is your time to concentrate on things you like to do. i know it can be lonely, but force yourself to get out and do things. it's OK to "fake it until you make it". some day you'll look back at this experience and be so glad it ended....sending peaceful thoughts your way
The_Dork_Lard Posted April 13, 2016 Posted April 13, 2016 over NYE was cold, she told me I needed to not try so hard and not be so available (which hurt) Ironically our best time was when I was more realxed as I was concentrating on my job, that's when the tears, the "forever" stuff and her talking about living together came out without solicitation. I'd appreciate any thoughts. I think the first two quotes speak for themselves? I know they won't help you with this relationship because it's over, but this will help you in the future. In my experience (I'm 37) Women seem be warmer with men who are a little unavailable, and who demonstrate independence.
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