RazirisaNoob Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 (edited) This will be a bit long, so I apologize for it. I understand if you would not like to read it all. I'm a college student. I live with my adoptive parents and my sister. I have something different about me, something that affects me greatly. I have ASPD, more commonly know as Sociopath behavior disorder. Throughout elementary school, I was picked on oftenly for being very overweight and unattractive. I was made fun of ruthlessly and cried often. During the 5th grade I started exercising regularly with the help of my sister. As much as I despise her, she played a big part in my weight loss. By the time I got to middle school (7th Grade) I had lost more than 60 pounds. I was finally feeling confident about myself. But still, I was ruthlessly bullied for dressing "emo", having long straight hair and wearing dark makeup/nail polish. One kid from elementary school, was much shorter than me. He was the meanest to me. He still called me fat and homophobic slurs. But, I wasn't getting sad anymore. I was feeling angry. So, I let him have it. Pretty badly. No one looked at me the same. I developed a different personality. I never turned in homework, I swore a lot (Even at teachers), and would be generally a aggressive person. The thing that alarmed my parents however, is when I stopped smiling and stayed in my room all day. They sometimes went days without even seeing me. And I was even more toxic in high school. But now the main point, no matter what, I've never held on to a relationship. I'd break up with everyone within a month. I had no feelings for them, it was just a "social status". I've never had sex or my first kiss to this day. I wouldn't let any of them touch me. I've dated girls and boys. Often flip flopping my preference. Being alone is sad, especially when you're empty and people try to fill the void, but failing miserably. I've never been able to keep friends either. But, after I eventually found everyone disgusting, I stopped going to college. My sister became concerned, so she started taking me places. She'd often barter with me. She'd buy me a 12 pack of Mountain Dew a week if I spent time with my parents. But 2 months ago, she took me to a college party. I was awkward and just sat on the couch eating potato chips. I was harassed often by guys asking me to perform sexual acts. It further pushed my hatred of humanity. But eventually, a strange girl came in. She had pale skin and a weird haircut. She had slightly muscular arms, and she was taller than me. She looked around, not talking to anyone. I stared at her aggressively, I don't know why, and eventually she noticed me. She gave off a unpleasant smile and walked over to me. She talked to me in a strange voice. It sounded seductive in tone, but it was her naturally voice. It was a little soft, but she still managed to give off a unpleasant vibe. She said she heard about me. She heard of my trips to the hospital. I felt like sighing because I knew I was about to get roasted. But she seemed to be impressed, which was strange. She also always kept eye contact without breaking. That upset me a lot. My sisters boyfriend then came over, and to my surprise he basically told her to go away with a few vulgar words thrown in. She seemed to be amused and walked away. He then told me to stay away from "Cancer" like her. I was confused, why did he not like this girl. Eventually my sister and I walked outside to leave, when the strange woman come over and gave me a sprite. I don't like sprite, but I was thirsty so I took it. My sister looked annoyed, but didn't say anything. Eventually the woman gave me her number. Then insulted my sister before walking away. On the drive home, my sister randomly broke the long silence and called the woman a female dog and told me to stay away from her. I was baffled, why was everyone hating on this woman. I'll now be referring to the woman as "Lilith" so things are no longer complicated. A few days later, my sister and her boyfriend were cuddling and watching Breaking Bad on Netflix. I came in to ask them about Lilith, because I couldn't get her off my mind. This has never happened before. After asking, they explained she was toxic. Rude, mean, and hateful. She apparently took fighting classes, so she's very cocky. They then told me how in high school she'd savagely beat other girls. Not like hair pulling or slapping as her boyfriend said. She actually knew what she was doing, and I guess she was good at it. They said she beat many guys as well, leaving one guy with a broken hand. Apparently she'd taunt people until they attacked her, so then she'd have an excuse to hurt them. She even hurt a guy at our college. They told me never to talk to her, and... I had no intention of listening. I texted her that night, and the first thing she said was vulgar but basically meant she was waiting for my text. We talked all night, it was basically me just listening to her brag about how smart and talented she was. I hung up around 7am and slept all day. In the morning, she asked to hang out and that she would pick me up. I asked if she could pick my up two blocks away so my sister wouldn't see. I don't know why, but she fascinated me. While we hung out, I was very nervous, even scared. She was much stronger than me. She yanked me into a store and I moved like I was a little feather. I may be exaggerating a bit, but she was very strong. Anyway, she would know when it get nervous, and he she'd try to comfort me, complimenting me. Nothing crazy, just little things. I went home later, and realized I was about to go insane. I couldn't stop thinking about her. She amazed me. Every day I eagerly waited for her texts. I felt happy for once. But everyone hates her. I've come to you guys, to ask your opinion on the situation. Edited April 8, 2016 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Jabron1 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 (edited) I'm not sure what to make of that. So off the top of my head: 1. You are not a sociopath - just a bit stroppy 2. Sounds like your dating Mr T or Hulk Hogan 3. You should take life a bit less seriously 4. She doesn't sound like my sort of girl 5. But if you like her, don't worry about what anyone else thinks Edited April 8, 2016 by Jabron1 2
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I think you may have found a kindred spirit. I worry about some of things you said about yourself & encourage you to get into therapy. Self loathing is no way to go through life. But if you see something good in Lillith that you can connect to, explore that. Tell your sister that you think Lillith is misunderstood the same way you are & that you hope she'll keep an open mind. In grad school I met a woman who wore combat boots, talked tough, & was rather cranky. She fascinated me & we became friends. 1
loveweary11 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 That was a riveting story, my friend. You have nothing to lose by seeing what happens. A sociopath of all people should care less about what the general public thinks about your involvement with this girl. Do whatever you want. Sounds like an interesting girl who captured your attention.
LoveRefreshed Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Deal with them demons homie. <-- Addict parents. Didn't know mom. Fat, poor, unattractive, and consequently unpopular. Made fun of my whole life. No friends in grade school. Running from the bus to the building to avoid bullies who hit and spit on me. Deciding I'd had enough. Lifted weights and exercised. Lost 40 lbs but turned another 100 from fat to muscle. Became starting varsity athlete and very popular. Attention and friends seem shallow to me. No idea how to form lasting relationships. Never feel like I 'need someone'. I'm pretty indifferent when saying long good byes to friends, not really caring that much if we hang out because there's shallow people all around who will like me now that I'm not fat and poor. I recently have dealt with all of this. Or still am. You either need to think on it, read on it and practice changing things in your life to find happiness, or you need to see a therapist. I've considered the latter but never got around to it. I generally push people away before they can abandon me. You seem like you push people away before they turn on you. As far as the girl, **** what anyone else thinks. What matters is what you think.
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 One caveat -- if she gets violent with you or even around you, run & don't look back. Verbally lashing out because you are misunderstood is one thing. Breaking people's bones is another story. 4
GorillaTheater Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I think you may have found a kindred spirit. Me too, and I'm thinking that may not be a good thing. I'm concerned about you physically hurting each other, though of course the way you describe her it sounds like she's the one most physically capable of doing the hurting. What are you going to do if that happens? 1
preraph Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 You being diagnosed as sociopathic means you are low on having any empathy for others. Not sure how that happened, but your emotions are reserved mainly for yourself, feeling bad someone hurts you emotionally or whatever. Most people are able to weigh their actions against whether they would want someone to do the same thing to them or not and then have empathy enough not to want to make someone feel that bad. Apparently someone thinks you have no empathy. And obviously, you have had some bullying. If you grew up without much parental love, then you weren't taught love and empathy. If that's not the case, then I don't know what happened or if you've had a brain scan to rule out head trauma from an old accident that could affect you. Sorry to get off on this tangent, but be sure someone has had you examined neurologically just in case it would explain some things. Being bullied, you will either usually become the bully, which it sounds like you did, or you will have empathy because you know how badly it hurts and you will never be the bully. You gravitate towards this girl because her level of issues are a real severe like yours are. She is an outcast, and you are an outcast. I don't see how getting together can end safely. Yes, you may find someone who gets your lack of feelings and empathy, so that might make you feel understood, but if you're both mean as hyenas, it could just end up with one or both of you in prison because you are both pretty volatile. But there's no doubt that's why you like her. She's more like you.
kismetkismet Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I'm not sure what to make of that. So off the top of my head: 1. You are not a sociopath - just a bit stroppy 2. Sounds like your dating Mr T or Hulk Hogan 3. You should take life a bit less seriously 4. She doesn't sound like my sort of girl 5. But if you like her, don't worry about what anyone else thinks 1.) reading a single online post about someone on the internet doesn't make you a psychologist or capable of diagnosing someone 3.) This person struggles with severe emotional and psychological difficulties, that's pretty patronizing. I'm not saying that I can tell that the OP is a ASPD by their post either, but I don't think it's helpful to be so dismissive of someone's issues. OP Like someone else has said, it sounds like you have found a kindred spirit. I'm not sure if that's the best thing because adding someone violent and lacking in empathy to your life might not be helpful with your preexisting issues. But still, I'd see what happens in your friendship.. If you find that she brings out a violent and uncaring side in you then I'd avoid it, but all you can do is see what happens for now. Maybe you'll be able to help each other.
Buddhist Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 (edited) Well everyone hates her, you're well hated too and you like her. Seems like a match made in heaven. Are you actually diagnosed with sociopathic disorder or are you just assuming that's what you are? Having grown up with a sociopath myself you don't seem to follow that particular type of behaviour. I've no doubt though that you have issues which cause you to divorce yourself from feeling and personal connections. Forget what anyone else thinks, people are mostly sheep and popularity is no guarantee of suitability for a relationship. Some of the most popular people in the world are arses and I've often found kindred spirits in introverts who exist on the fringe of society very often. If you feel a connection with her then why not see if you two can create a bond? If nothing else you might have a friend. Just don't think a relationship will help solve the other issues in your life though, they generally exacerbate them. Best of luck to you. Edited April 8, 2016 by Buddhist
Taramere Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Wow, that was a really compelling read. You certainly know how to narrate the facts...in a very matter of fact way. That's probably part and parcel of thelow empathy of course. As others have suggested, it sounds as though you sense a kindred spirit in this girl. Somebody who would "get" you. While you describe yourself as having been toxic, your behaviour sounds hostile but I don't get a sense of you having been violent. This girl on the other hand, is violent. She's taken it to the next level. I should imagine that she would be violent and abusive to a partner...and my sense, just from the way you seem to perceive things and they way you write, is that you'd be interested in seeing what that was like. It's almost a cert that she will manipulate you, hurt you emotionally and possibly physically as well. I should think there's also a strong chance that she would lead you down a path that could result in you getting into serious trouble with the authorities. The dynamic you describe sounds as though you see yourself in her to a certain degree - but a more hard core, violent, female version of yourself. If you want to unravel the work your family have no doubt done to keep you out of trouble, getting involved with this girl sounds like a great way to accomplish that. But the thing is, who does somebody who has little or no empathy, and who despises most people, get involved with? I should imagine you've often asked yourself that question.
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) Why would OP being able to narrate the facts in such a matter of fact way, and imo such a compelling way so as to draw the reader in .... be part and parcel of low empathy? I would think it would mean the exact opposite! He (and I am only assuming OP is a he), also apologized in advance for the lengthy post, as well as understanding, sympathizing and identifying with this *hated* woman, which indicates at least to me high empathy. OP, you discovered each other for a reason. Who gives a hoot what anyone else thinks, I say go for it and enjoy! Edited April 9, 2016 by katiegrl 1
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) JMO as I am no shrink, but from everything you have written, and the way in which you wrote it, I think you may have been misdiagnosed. There are definitely issues for sure, stemming from such a dysfunctional childhood, but you sound very sensitive, not only with respect to yourself, but towards others as well (this girl) which is not indicative of anti-social (sociopathic) personality disorder (ASPD). I realize it is only one post, but your one post conveyed a lot about your situation and yourself. To me it sounds like you have been very very hurt, and as a result angry, and have lashed out, which is understandable. Again, jmo. Edited April 9, 2016 by katiegrl
Jabron1 Posted April 10, 2016 Posted April 10, 2016 I missed the point before, with regards to her being hated. If the question is 'should I date a woman that is hated?', my answer is that you should do so very warily. My ex was very disliked by a lot of people too - mostly other women. But I couldn't relate to it, because she was on her best behaviour to me, so what did I care for the opinions of others? I ignored the warnings. She was also rude and arrogant to staff when we were out - I can now understand why people see that as a big red flag. She was still great to me though, so what did it matter? It matters, because people stop being on their best behaviour around the 3 or 4 month mark. And that's when problems started. She would start being disrespectful to me - not quite enough to dump her over, but enough to p*ss me off. I'd bollock her about it, she'd improve for a few weeks, and then the cycle would start over. Eventually, I dumped her over something which she considers 'small'. But she doesn't realize that it was the straw that broke the camels' back. Now in my case it was just disrespectful behaviour. But in your case, it probably will be violence. And you sound like a ready made victim. Just something to keep in mind. 1
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