carinata Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Is there any advice you would give to an African pursuing an American girl? And what are some of the things I should consider for and during first dates in the US? I am clueless.
amaysngrace Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Is there any advice you would give to an African pursuing an American girl? And what are some of the things I should consider for and during first dates in the US? I am clueless. Treat her the same way you'd want to be treated and you will be fine. 2
Author carinata Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 How did you meet? I met her at work. I recently asked her out and she murmured something like "I would love to" but then changed her mind to say she would have to check her schedule and get back to me when I tried to fix the date. I genuinely believe the date time doesn't work in her favor but I don't want to leave her checking her schedule forever. She may never get back to me as she was very shy when I asked her out (unless I misread her). She's started to grow confident around me and I am becoming less of a talkative since that incident. I like this girl and want to know her a bit more (hence asking her out) and give it my best effort in making her my girlfriend, if she meets my expectation of a girlfriend. What should I do?
Author carinata Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Treat her the same way you'd want to be treated and you will be fine. I treat everybody with respect. But is respect enough for her to see that I am interested in her?
Emilia Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Shy people are tricky, you will need some patience. If she doesn't get back to you, she isn't ready. 1
Author carinata Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Shy people are tricky, you will need some patience. If she doesn't get back to you, she isn't ready. She is not a shy person. She was though when I asked her out.
elaine567 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 She is not a shy person. She was though when I asked her out. Her "shyness" may be a sign she likes you or it may be that she just finds it awkward to say no. I think you should try again, but if again she is rummaging through schedules and diaries and still no set date forthcoming, then you may have to give up.
amaysngrace Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I treat everybody with respect. But is respect enough for her to see that I am interested in her? If you ask her on a date she'll know that you're interested in her. I don't know how you can be any more obvious than that.. 2
Jersey born raised Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Where did you offer to take her? Did you offer to meet her there? I like to meet a woman somewhere I think we both would enjoy at midday with a clear understanding we will part early or late afternoon. This usually helps a woman feel safe enough to say yes. Remember neither of you know what is in each others mind.
Emilia Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 (edited) She is not a shy person. She was though when I asked her out. Then it could be as others said that she likes you or the complete opposite. You asked, the only thing you can do is see if she is interested. The more time passes, the less likely it is. There isn't the back n forth woing culture in the West as there is in Africa. Women don't act coy, they are used to being asked out. She might not be comfortable that it's work related though Edited April 8, 2016 by Emilia 1
Author carinata Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Where did you offer to take her? Did you offer to meet her there? I like to meet a woman somewhere I think we both would enjoy at midday with a clear understanding we will part early or late afternoon. This usually helps a woman feel safe enough to say yes. Remember neither of you know what is in each others mind. What is the right thing to do? Take her there or offer to meet her? How do I even bring that up again? I want to persist with her enough not make her dread seeing me. I think I know where that line begins but don't know what to do in the meantime. Since reading your response, I think I see why she changed her mind. I wasn't decisive enough. She asked a few questions about the date and I was giving some answers that wasn't all that good. I was nervous and started to make a direct translation of my mother tongue to English, some of which doesn't mean that well when said in English. I was trying to tell her what is on my mind and might have scared her off. I messed up bad!
Author carinata Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 Then it could be as others said that she likes you or the complete opposite. You asked, the only thing you can do is see if she is interested. The more time passes, the less likely it is. There isn't the back n forth woing culture in the West as there is in Africa. Women don't act coy, they are used to being asked out. She might not be comfortable that it's work related though You may be right about the work related part. I read a few things about work related dating on the web, and it seem most people were against it in the west. Back home, it isn't that of a big deal so I went with that instead of all the negativity associated with it in the west. She hasn't been cold to me since asking her out so I hope it is a good thing. It is me who has changed though and I don't like that. I don't know why I am going through all these emotions. I feel like I want to date her when I know the right thing to do is get to know her deeply enough with the intention of dating her AND then date her if I get enough green light. I don't know if that makes sense at all to most of you from the west.
Chris2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Don't blame yourself. If she's not interested there's not much you can do. You seen like you know what's right. No green light, no go. Find somebody else outside of work.
strawberryshortstack Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 She is not a shy person. She was though when I asked her out. Shy people can be outgoing, and shy only in certain situations. If she was shy when you asked her out, coupled with what she said, she probably likes you a lot and may just be nervous. Don't pressure her, but be friendly and persistent (it's a fine line between persistent and pressuring, so be careful).
katiegrl Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Is there any advice you would give to an African pursuing an American girl? And what are some of the things I should consider for and during first dates in the US? I am clueless. Why does it matter what color your skin is or what ethnicity you are? I would advise the same thing if you were both the same color and same ethnicity. Ask her out in advance, plan dates, be creative. Don't tolerate flakiness, or disrespectful behavior. Take your time. Relax, don't over-think and most of all enjoy the process!
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) Why does it matter what color your skin is or what ethnicity you are? The color of his skin does not matter but the ethnicity does. Depending on our ethnicity and culture we won't handle dating and seducing the same way. OP said he is African, not African-American. I assume he is recently here from an African country. I dated a couple of African men and they usually come on very strongly. They're heavy on the compliments, they try to sweep you off of your feet with both hands. They can be so intense that sometimes it comes across as fake. My experience is mostly with French African Countries. African women are very hard to seduce, an African man will have to try many times before she says yes to a date invitation. Her first NO means 'try harder', her second NO means 'maybe' and her third NO means 'I am considering it' and so on. African men need to understand that when a North American woman says NO, it means NO. I went on 2-3 dates with an man from Senegal last year. After those dates I told him I do not wish to pursue. He still kept on calling once a month in case I changed my mind. He's been calling for an entire year now. If an African man likes you he will never give up even when you tell him no. Again, it does not work like this over here. So depending on what country OP is from yes his ethnicity does matter. He needs to understand how dating (and women) date in north America. Edited April 9, 2016 by Gaeta 2
Emilia Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 Agree with Gaeta. Similar experience when I lived in Southern and East Africa. It's a very macho and emotionally immature mentality, what the woman wants really does not matter as she is disposable and fidelity does not exist. Wooing is largely based on a push-pull mentality and no isn't taken as an answer. When an African man got hold of my mobile number, I would get love messages from 4-5 different mobile numbers even though I never replied. The songs are religious or over the top 'romantic' ones. I kept out of it completely. 1
Author carinata Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 (edited) The color of his skin does not matter but the ethnicity does. Depending on our ethnicity and culture we won't handle dating and seducing the same way. OP said he is African, not African-American. I assume he is recently here from an African country. I dated a couple of African men and they usually come on very strongly. They're heavy on the compliments, they try to sweep you off of your feet with both hands. They can be so intense that sometimes it comes across as fake. My experience is mostly with French African Countries. African women are very hard to seduce, an African man will have to try many times before she says yes to a date invitation. Her first NO means 'try harder', her second NO means 'maybe' and her third NO means 'I am considering it' and so on. African men need to understand that when a North American woman says NO, it means NO. I went on 2-3 dates with an man from Senegal last year. After those dates I told him I do not wish to pursue. He still kept on calling once a month in case I changed my mind. He's been calling for an entire year now. If an African man likes you he will never give up even when you tell him no. Again, it does not work like this over here. So depending on what country OP is from yes his ethnicity does matter. He needs to understand how dating (and women) date in north America. I didn't want to argue with the person who said the ethnicity doesn't matter. Once I saw ethnicity and skin color in the same sentence I knew where this was going and I don't want to travel that road. There are some things that you said that I agree with and some which I don't... but I will leave it as such. Thank you. Edited April 9, 2016 by carinata
Author carinata Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Agree with Gaeta. Similar experience when I lived in Southern and East Africa. It's a very macho and emotionally immature mentality, what the woman wants really does not matter as she is disposable and fidelity does not exist. Wooing is largely based on a push-pull mentality and no isn't taken as an answer. When an African man got hold of my mobile number, I would get love messages from 4-5 different mobile numbers even though I never replied. The songs are religious or over the top 'romantic' ones. I kept out of it completely. This one made me laugh. "It's a very macho and emotionally immature mentality, what the woman wants really does not matter as she is disposable and fidelity does not exist".... for a while I thought you were talking about dating in the West. Heck, look at the posts on this site and you will find a trend. Sex sex sex sex sex or ditch him if there is no sex. I had to swallow my pride in order to post here because for the most part I didn't like the way the women were being handled on this site. Some post even had making out on the first meetings... ON THE FIRST MEETINGS and you talk about Fidelity? I am sure you hold the views of either of these 2 women in this video. Check this out.
Gaeta Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 I didn't want to argue with the person who said the ethnicity doesn't matter. Once I saw ethnicity and skin color in the same sentence I knew where this was going and I don't want to travel that road. There are some things that you said that I agree with and some which I don't... but I will leave it as such. Thank you. Whether you like it or not our origin dictates a lot on how we handle dating. Even I, as a white woman, found my share of difficulties in this dating world because I am of French culture. I view and handle dating differently than American women. I am not afraid of owning who I am, you shouldn't. I also have dated foreigners abundantly in the past 4 years and I know what I am talking about. My previous post about how African men handle dating is not only from my personal experience but it was also explained to me in details by African men themselves. So instead of being on the defensive lets just have a talk on how you may have come on too strongly with this lady. She did say YES to your invitation at first, then changed her mind. Something happened between her yes, and her no.
Author carinata Posted April 9, 2016 Author Posted April 9, 2016 Whether you like it or not our origin dictates a lot on how we handle dating. Even I, as a white woman, found my share of difficulties in this dating world because I am of French culture. I view and handle dating differently than American women. I am not afraid of owning who I am, you shouldn't. I also have dated foreigners abundantly in the past 4 years and I know what I am talking about. My previous post about how African men handle dating is not only from my personal experience but it was also explained to me in details by African men themselves. So instead of being on the defensive lets just have a talk on how you may have come on too strongly with this lady. She did say YES to your invitation at first, then changed her mind. Something happened between her yes, and her no. Its Ok. I already told you I did a direct translation of my mother tongue to english which doesnt even make sense in english because I was nervous... Thanks for your interest in my post. I will update when something new happens.
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