Break up or hiatus or last chance? Where do I stand?

[Nichodemus]

I am extremely confused and sad about my relationship now. I'm not sure if this is the right section, as we are neither here nor there. Please bear with me.

 

We have been together for a year now, though she has been on an exchange program for the past 4 months. She will be back in 2. We have fought in the past, and it's mostly because I was never sincere in my actions or love. I was immature, and thought that if I kept her at arms length, it would make her miss me. She felt that I only paid lip service to her, and that my love is shallow. She places a premium on trust esp because of her family past, and she has told me multiple times that she does not get into relationships easily.

 

She has given me multiple chances, and the month before she left, I put in alot of effort to placate her. I baked for her, took her out to many places, studied with her, and tried to calm her down in anticipation of her exchange, showed my concern in general. Her friends said that in that last month, she was happier with my change, and she herself told me that I was on an upturn for the better.

 

Four months in overseas, and I have been strained. The time difference is brutal and the lack of communication due to that and the lack of internet is hard.

 

Old problems recently resurfaced - The spark was when she fell really sick, I only asked her how she was, and then left it there. It was only after prompting from her side that I asked her what she was down with, and how she was coping. After that, she gave me the cold shoulder for a few days, and when I called her a couple of days ago she told me this:

 

- She proposed a hiatus, to be friends, but still to keep in contact via text. She wanted a hiatus for two months to think through a) For me to think what I wanted in the relationship, and b) what she wanted. But she wanted to meet up once she was back, and she felt that if we could actually see each other physically, then there was a better chance of patching things up.

 

- After speaking and my pleading, she agreed not to go on hiatus. I apologised deeply for what I did, and I think that convinced her. She called off the idea of a hiatus, and promised to give me one last chance (Rather firmly), any screw up and I would be kicked off. She says it is up to me to prove my sincerity to her, and that she does not know how things will go. It depends on me.

 

- She however, also said that she was still confused as to how to treat me, as a friend, something more, or as a bf, during these last two months. She said that we would communicate over text, but less of calling, as the calls always ended in anguish for her.

 

- I backed off all the old romantic names and stuff as I want to convey my sincerity, and sincerity starts through actions. She's a big fan of actions over words.

 

- When I texted her yesterday and tried to call her (Just to check on her and her wellbeing), she told me just to text her. She also said she needed personal space and that she was enjoying alone time.

 

My confusion now, is to a) What I should do, and b) Where do I stand?

 

I know alot of posters advocate the belief that a person who says they need a break and see how it goes, most likely are initiating the beginning of a break. is this the case? She had called off the hiatus and told me I had one last chance, and that we would still text to see how it goes, though she needs some personal space. Is this a better scenario than a person simply insisting on a break?

 

I also know alot of posters say that this is because she has found someone else. However, I think this is untrue - She's not the type of girl to make relationships on an exchange/on the fly as she is in it for the long haul. She's conservative, and comes from a conservative family - she's not the kind who would rush into a fling (She's the kind of girl who wants to save her body for a marriage, a real rare virgin gem.), esp when she's coming back in two months.

 

I am wondering in all this mess, what do I do to show my sincerity? Do I back off and give her space? Then I cannot fight to get her back. But if I keep communicating with her and she does not reply, is that not an intrusion on her space? I seem to be at a crossroads here. During the months she was away, I realised that my immaturity masked my true feelings - I do love her and want to keep the relationship alive.

 

I have done small things - I have requested a florist near her to send her flowers on our anniversary yesterday. (Unlucky timing, but I know she loves flowers). I have also sent her a care package with food supplies and a soft toy. (A few days before we fought). She hasn't received both yet, but would that at least help to show my sincerity and patch things up a bit?

Yours Sadly,

Nichodemus

Edited April 8, 2016 by Nichodemus

[LD1990]

Wow...she is just treating you like a child. Is this the kind of woman you want to be with for the rest of her life? One who constantly evaluates whether you're performing up to the level she expects, and lets you know that you're one strike away from getting dumped? Alright look:

 

Old problems recently resurfaced - The spark was when she fell really sick, I only asked her how she was, and then left it there. It was only after prompting from her side that I asked her what she was down with, and how she was coping. After that, she gave me the cold shoulder for a few days, and when I called her a couple of days ago she told me this:

 

Your actions were completely normal! The fact that she's getting mad at you for not asking enough questions is some drama queen BS. So is giving you the cold shoulder for a few days instead of just bringing up her problem. She was sick, you asked how she was, you didn't do anything wrong.

 

After speaking and my pleading, she agreed not to go on hiatus. I apologised deeply for what I did, and I think that convinced her. She called off the idea of a hiatus, and promised to give me one last chance (Rather firmly), any screw up and I would be kicked off. She says it is up to me to prove my sincerity to her, and that she does not know how things will go. It depends on me.

 

So she got you to plead for her forgiveness for a non-issue and then firmly told you to get your act together. Basically, she owns you, she knows it, and she's gonna take advantage.

 

- She however, also said that she was still confused as to how to treat me, as a friend, something more, or as a bf, during these last two months. She said that we would communicate over text, but less of calling, as the calls always ended in anguish for her.

 

- I backed off all the old romantic names and stuff as I want to convey my sincerity, and sincerity starts through actions. She's a big fan of actions over words.

 

- When I texted her yesterday and tried to call her (Just to check on her and her wellbeing), she told me just to text her. She also said she needed personal space and that she was enjoying alone time

 

So it's on you to prove your sincerity, while only being able to communicate with her through text message. Quite the rigged game here.

 

I also know alot of posters say that this is because she has found someone else. However, I think this is untrue - She's not the type of girl to make relationships on an exchange/on the fly as she is in it for the long haul. She's conservative, and comes from a conservative family - she's not the kind who would rush into a fling (She's the kind of girl who wants to save her body for a marriage, a real rare virgin gem.), esp when she's coming back in two months.

 

Sounds like she's the type of girl who sets ridiculously high standards that no man who isn't the hero in a Disney movie could meet. I'm wondering, does all this romance go both ways? What exactly has she done for you throughout this relationship?

 

By the way, virgin or not, she could very well have met someone over there. I'd put money on it. Sudden problems out of nowhere to create a reason to take this hiatus, and then she can see anyone she wants guilt free because hey, relationship hiatus.

 

I have done small things - I have requested a florist near her to send her flowers on our anniversary yesterday. (Unlucky timing, but I know she loves flowers). I have also sent her a care package with food supplies and a soft toy. (A few days before we fought). She hasn't received both yet, but would that at least help to show my sincerity and patch things up a bit?

 

Well, she's gonna enjoy the ego boost, but it's not gonna make her want you again.

 

Honestly man, this won't work out. She has absolutely no respect for you, because she has you at her beck and call. She can literally create any issue she wants and make you apologize for it. She basically gives you relationship performance reviews to let you know what you're doing wrong. You're her whipping boy. It's time to tell her to get a new one.

[Nichodemus]

To be fair LD, I was a dick/child to her throughout, hence her anger. Let me explain; I didn't really care for her needs in the first half of our relationship - 1) When she was sick previously and couldn't come to my house, I didn't even show concern, I just angrily told her that she had to find another day to come to my house.

2)When she was having crucial college exams, I didn't care, but the night before her finals, I even called her to complain about her not caring enough about me.

 

These are just two examples, and it has built up over time to burst the dam. Whilst that recent sickness example is minor, it was the straw that broke her back.

 

I think it goes both ways. Most of the reasons of our fights really stem from my own indefensible ways. Hence my cry for advice and help now.

 

She has been a brilliant and loving partner to me, it was only after I started being a rather heartless guy that she became confused and upset and hurt.

 

And re: The finding someone else thing...again I'm really quite sure nothing has popped up. She has told me even before she left that she had problems with my sincerity, and when we talked, she again told me that it was building up over and over, until that sick incident threw her off.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Nichodemus

[TaraMaiden2]

How old are you guys?

Because honestly? This sounds like a playground squabble between two kids - "I'm not your friend any more, so there!" Sulk, tantrum, stamp foot....

[Nichodemus]

How old are you guys?

Because honestly? This sounds like a playground squabble between two kids - "I'm not your friend any more, so there!" Sulk, tantrum, stamp foot....

 

Both of us are 22, into our first LDR.

[TaraMaiden2]

Ok, let me break this to you gently.

 

This isn't going to last.

First of all, you're both young, heavily involved in your own individual studies and this is way too heavy, with too much intense drama to be sustainable.

You're neither of you 'fully-cooked' yet, (and won't be for a few years) and emotionally immature and inexperienced in the ways of relationships.

 

In a nutshell, you had your faults (and you've owned them, which is great) but she has her faults too.

A relationship is give and take, but it sounds as if she wants you to conform to her ideal of a partner, rather than value and work with you, on who you are, and who she is.

The kindest thing would be to admit that you are not ready for this type of commitment.

You are young, you have the world at your feet.

This is way too early to have the kind of relationship where bending over backwards is the order of the day. You should be dating, free-spirited and going out and having fun (responsibly!) rather than building up anxiety over something of this measure.

 

Sorry, but honestly - this is too intense.

You need to relax, release the grip and enjoy your youth - not spend it tying your heart in knots.

LDRs are notoriously hard work, even for the most compatible. You guys don't sound on the same page....

 

Don't take breaks or hiatuses.

 

Honestly, I really would consider cooling this and not making such a big deal about it...

[Nichodemus]

Ok, let me break this to you gently.

 

This isn't going to last.

First of all, you're both young, heavily involved in your own individual studies and this is way too heavy, with too much intense drama to be sustainable.

You're neither of you 'fully-cooked' yet, (and won't be for a few years) and emotionally immature and inexperienced in the ways of relationships.

 

In a nutshell, you had your faults (and you've owned them, which is great) but she has her faults too.

A relationship is give and take, but it sounds as if she wants you to conform to her ideal of a partner, rather than value and work with you, on who you are, and who she is.

The kindest thing would be to admit that you are not ready for this type of commitment.

You are young, you have the world at your feet.

This is way too early to have the kind of relationship where bending over backwards is the order of the day. You should be dating, free-spirited and going out and having fun (responsibly!) rather than building up anxiety over something of this measure.

 

Sorry, but honestly - this is too intense.

You need to relax, release the grip and enjoy your youth - not spend it tying your heart in knots.

LDRs are notoriously hard work, even for the most compatible. You guys don't sound on the same page....

 

Don't take breaks or hiatuses.

 

Honestly, I really would consider cooling this and not making such a big deal about it...

 

Thanks for the long advice Tara.

 

What if the LDR is ending in two months and we can resume it? Should I still go for it? If I do, what should I do now to ensure she feels...safer with me. And that she can trust me.

[TaraMaiden2]

Thanks for the long advice Tara.

 

What if the LDR is ending in two months and we can resume it? Should I still go for it? If I do, what should I do now to ensure she feels...safer with me. And that she can trust me.

 

Obviously face-to-face relationships are 'better', but to be frank, resumption is a bad idea.

That said, taking breaks is just prolonging the agony.

 

Changing your temperament and character are up to you, and it's something you do, for you, not for someone else.

 

You change yourself to be a 'better person' for your own welfare and well-being, confidence and esteem, not in order to fit into someone else's ideal, of who they think you should be.

 

To be honest, I would - in your shoes - agree tocall this a day and go your separate ways, but consider your own contribution and work on aspects of yourself you feel are lacking.

But do it because you believe you can be a better person, that way, for yourself.

 

Consider this: if you feel you behaved in a 'bad' way to begin with, that tells me two things:

One, you weren't of a mind-set to be in a relationship that requires a committed, serious devotional constant.

Two, in a loving relationship, your partner partly inspires the 'right' attitude in you from the beginning.

If you were relaxed about your input to begin with, maybe she wasn't really the right partner to begin with. You're only addressing the problem now, because it's not so much that you love her desperately enough to keep her; it's more that you love being in a relationship.

 

There's a difference.

[Nichodemus]

Obviously face-to-face relationships are 'better', but to be frank, resumption is a bad idea.

That said, taking breaks is just prolonging the agony.

 

Changing your temperament and character are up to you, and it's something you do, for you, not for someone else.

 

You change yourself to be a 'better person' for your own welfare and well-being, confidence and esteem, not in order to fit into someone else's ideal, of who they think you should be.

 

To be honest, I would - in your shoes - agree tocall this a day and go your separate ways, but consider your own contribution and work on aspects of yourself you feel are lacking.

But do it because you believe you can be a better person, that way, for yourself.

 

Consider this: if you feel you behaved in a 'bad' way to begin with, that tells me two things:

One, you weren't of a mind-set to be in a relationship that requires a committed, serious devotional constant.

Two, in a loving relationship, your partner partly inspires the 'right' attitude in you from the beginning.

If you were relaxed about your input to begin with, maybe she wasn't really the right partner to begin with. You're only addressing the problem now, because it's not so much that you love her desperately enough to keep her; it's more that you love being in a relationship.

 

There's a difference.

 

Thank you for the advice again Tara, it is helpful.

 

I was relaxed at first...because I tried to follow all those pick up sites. Those that tell you you need the girl to come to you, not the other way around. I see that the was foolish of me.

 

It has been a hectic year for me, because apart from the relationship, I have been settling into my college life as a freshman, and she on her part, is worried with her future job, as well as worrying about her exchange (Which she knew about just after she got together, and that affected alot of our plans, as well as gave us loads to worry about. aside from the relationship).

 

Throughout the four months which she went away...I've done alot of thinking on my part, and I do think she is a great girl to settle down with. I think I've grown up a little, and she has also helped me grow up a little when she talked it over with me before she left.

 

Changing gears, if I do want to go ahead with the relationship, is there any advice you could give me? Especially now, in a temporary LDR and with her a little anxious/angry/upset/moody these few days.

[ExpatInItaly]

Look., she's very young (as are you) She's already lost interest to the point of wanting to be single for a while. You say she called off this "hiatus" but I get the impression she did that under pressure from you, not out of genuine desire to stay with you. None of this bodes well for a future together.

 

Personally, I would tell her to enjoy the rest of her time abroad and get in touch when she returns. See what happens after that.

 

If you insist on calling this a "break", respect her wishes to not call. She doesn't want to talk right now. She said she doesn't really consider you her boyfriend at this point, so don't push it on her. If she gets bent out of shape about it, then you need to point out that you're trying to respect her request. She can't tell you to do X, then expect you to do Y, you know?

 

I have a feeling she'll find a reason to end it regardless. Is she going to be dating others while on this break? Don't be so quick to dismiss the possibility that someone else has caught her eye. If she's seeing other guys, she needs to let you know so you can decide if you really want to stick around for that.

[Nichodemus]

Turns out she was highly stressed and distressed over her work and studies as well. All is well now haha yay!

[TaraMaiden2]

(Not for long.... I bet it will all blow up again... You read it here first. )