pppp Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Hi all, Please give me advice on my situation. I met this guy on dating app. He's 30. I'm 28. We did get along very well since the first day we talked for hours. He gave me number in case I wanted to talk out of the app. Next day, we started texting like non-stop for a week until we met. We texted about everything, and all the time; when he woke up, when he was at work, had lunch break, went home, and before he went to sleep. We liked each other a lot that we wanted us to work out. For me, he's just a perfect guy that I have always needed in my life. When we first date, everything went very well, better than we expected. We were just crazy about each other and want to be together more and talk more. We were so addicted to each other. On the second date, we hanged out at his apartment. We did not have sex. but made out all day. He said he wanted to have a long term relationship with me and he asked me if I want to be his girlfriend. I said yes. Third date, I spent a night at his apartment. We had no sex but we did other stuff. When I came back home on that day I told him that I have my time limit in the U.S for 1.5 years and there is a high chance that I might not be able to find organizations that want to support my visa which means I will have to go home. He told me that maybe we should slow things down, and that I should focus on looking for jobs so that I can stay here. He said we should be friends for now and see how things go down the road. We were together for 3 weeks in total. This is his background: He divorced about 8 months ago from 11 years relationship and was married for 5 years. According to what he said, it was just bad relationship that he knew it would not work out anymore. He told me he can't not start a new relationship with a huge question whether we will be together at the end. He said he just got out from a bad relationship and can't get hurt again. I was the first woman he kissed, made out, had me stay over, cuddle, and in relationship with since he divorced. The reason why I told him about my time in the U.S because I can feel how much painful he has been through from that 11 years relationship. Even though I know he is better living by himself now but I can feel that pain. All I want for this guy is for him to be happy; he deserves to have all the happiness in the world. I dont want to hurt him by telling him later on that I have to go home. I dont want to break him into pieces. Yet, I did not expect he would responded by shutting me out and having his guard up high. Some people might say that I should not have told him about my time limit but I feel like it's the right thing to do cause I can feel how much he likes me and we even said we loved each other already, and I just couldn't help but told him about it. I told him that it's like 1.5 years from now on which for me it's a very long time. No one knows exactly what gonna happen to me or even anyone when that time comes. I dont think anyone can guarantee anything for that long or even in weeks or months. I told him dont look at it as we are counting down to the end but just made the best out of what is in front of him. When that time comes, it doesnt mean we will have to break up, we can figure it out together later. I told him that dont let his past and fear scared his tomorrows with me and that it will hurt him the same. I told him it's not gonna be easy but it will be worth it for what we have been waiting for. He responded me by saying that "we rushed into this. We need to take a step back. We have to be friends before we become anything else. I am used to do things my own way. I need my own space. You're a great person. We should take sometime to think about what we want. Finish your paper. I have been very busy at work. It's hard to communicate while I'm at work at times." It just broke my heart. I have been looking for this kind of guy my whole life and I did not want to give up on him nor losing him but his cold respond made me feel that we are just over. How we are going to be friend when we dont even work at the same place? I even feel like he's mad at me that I just told him now. I dont talk to him anymore because I want to give him a space. I can't even date a new guy because all I'm doing is looking for another him. I just know in my heart that this is a kind of guy I want in my life. What I want to do is text him again in 2-3 months and see how things will turn out then. I really do not want to go anywhere because I have a strong feeling that he's worth waiting for. My question is Am I sound stupid to wait for this guy?
Satu Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 You're not stupid, but you shouldn't wait for something that might never happen. Just get on with your life as a single person, because that's what you are. It seems likely that he's not over the breakdown of his marriage. Take care. 2
strawberryshortstack Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Stupid, no. Perhaps a bit naive, though. It sounds like he was seeing other women, and realized that he committed to you too quickly, and doesn't want to stop seeing the other women. So he used your comments as an "out" so that he wouldn't have to break your heart. 1
hippychick3 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Don't wait for him, OP. He's not coming back. It was too much too soon and when you start that high that quickly, you crash quickly. We think because they're texting us all the time nonstop that they're getting attached to us. But just the opposite is true. Texting does NOT equal progress in a relationship and does not equal attachment. The intense thrill was never going to last and the fun was over for him. You telling him you were leaving was an easy out. He was probably waiting for one. Next time, slow and steady... It takes time in person to truly get to know one another and form a true attachment. Don't trust men who jump in so quickly and move so fast. It's up to you to slow down so you can evaluate. Move on and get back out there. 3
No_Go Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) If you want to stay in the US - take action! You shouldn't have told him that you'd be leaving for something so easily fixable. I was a postdoc on J1, within 9 months or so I got my green card via self-petition. It was a pain in the b*tt, and required a few grand of lawyer fees, but that's all. Seeing that you're writing a paper I presume you have skills/education. Is that the case? If so just google eb2-niw, apply, and solve the matter. P.S. For people from India and China this is not the route, there are other ways though Edited April 7, 2016 by No_Go Forgot something 2
No_Go Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Also: is he divorced or separated? To me the 8 months sound like super short time after 11 years. Are there any kids? Was he separated before (actually are you sure he's legally divorced)? 2
todreaminblue Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 too much too soon...you are the first girl he has dated since his break up.....so what he said to you rings true and that it went too fast...... you said that he is the right kind of guy for you....kind of guy......its good you now know what you want however..... dont believe he is the only guy that you want...be his friend if you can...to me it sounds like the friendship would be unequal in feelings........but see how things go..how you feel...but wait for no man...not him...nor any other... if a guy truly wants to be with you...there's no stopping him..if he is truly a man he is ready to commit and not changeable in how he feels towards you....whatever kind they are they should surely make it clear what they want from the very beginning .......take it slower next time...and really know the guy you want to date and know he wants the same things and same level of commitment as you do.......best wishes.....deb 1
Author pppp Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) Thank you so much! I agreed that he's not over his breakdown yet. Thank you so much everyone. I was blind and never thought about all of you guys comment. Thank you very much! Edited April 7, 2016 by pppp
Author pppp Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 too much too soon...you are the first girl he has dated since his break up.....so what he said to you rings true and that it went too fast...... you said that he is the right kind of guy for you....kind of guy......its good you now know what you want however..... dont believe he is the only guy that you want...be his friend if you can...to me it sounds like the friendship would be unequal in feelings........but see how things go..how you feel...but wait for no man...not him...nor any other... if a guy truly wants to be with you...there's no stopping him..if he is truly a man he is ready to commit and not changeable in how he feels towards you....whatever kind they are they should surely make it clear what they want from the very beginning .......take it slower next time...and really know the guy you want to date and know he wants the same things and same level of commitment as you do.......best wishes.....deb Thank you so much Deb. Thank you very much 1
basil67 Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Well, yes, he did rush into this. When I was reading the start of your post, all I could think was "wow, that's rushing things" The fact that he's asked you to be his girlfriend, you accepted and THEN you told him that you'll likely be leaving made him realise that he didn't know you nearly enough to commit. And frankly, you're probably right on the money that he's mad about you not having told him about possibly leaving much earlier. I'd be disappointed if I was in his shoes. I know you'd like to leave options open and worry about the future when it happens. However, he's perfectly within his rights to look for a woman who knows that she'll be around. The fact that you're not opposed to a stint of long distance if required doesn't mean that he should be OK with it. Lastly, it's still early days and you barely know this guy. Be careful not to put someone who you don't know well on a pedestal where nobody else can compare. For all you know, he could be the biggest flake on earth or have unpleasant behaviours which he hasn't shown you yet. Don't wait for him. Just move on. And next time you date someone, talk about the fact that you may not be around in 1.5 years before they get attached to you. 1
Buddhist Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 He probably thought you were looking for a visa sponsor and that is why he's bolted. You've only been dating 3 weeks that was far too early to bring something like residency up. Even though you were not expecting anything from him, he was probably wondering why you would broach the topic with him. It probably set off alarm bells in his head. If 18 months is a long time for you and you weren't expecting thing of him then just keep that information to yourself. You could find a way to stay in the country on your own. No need to burden him with that information at that stage. I don't think you should wait for him because he is always going to have it in his mind now that you are looking for a way to stay in the country. That is not going to go away now and he suspects it's the reason why you rushed into a relationship with him. I don't see how you can convince him otherwise if I'm being honest. 1
Author pppp Posted April 16, 2016 Author Posted April 16, 2016 Hello everyone, Please allow me to update about my situation a little bit. We talked a week later. He said he has been thinking about us a lot. I'm a great person that he still wants to know more of. He said he got scared that we got too close too fast. He wants to enjoy time that we have and hope for the best. We decided to start all over again but take thing day by day and at slow pace
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