elizabetk Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Hi everyone, thanks a bunch for reading this. I have been browsing online trying to find general information about norms and standards of "venting" to your significant other. I have always seen it as something to be avoided (perhaps due to past relationship) especially when it is not in person and partner is busy. Both my partner (30) and I (23) are abroad this week, it has been our first time apart (have been exclusively dating for a few months now) and being in different continents, preoccupied with work (he is on a business trip) and multitasking family time and work (my case). I have always had a complicated relationship with my father that has gotten better over the years, yet a large argument arose earlier today. My first thought was to share with my partner, yet as our only form of communication is via messages and we do not generally need to vent (perhaps as we are both very fortunate both career and family wise), I am torn - do I vent (considering he is busy and has plenty on his mind) or do I deal with it myself and mention briefly when we are both back home? All best
carhill Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Has your partner ever met your father and have you discussed your complicated relationship with your father with your partner before, in person?
geronimo Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 My honest opinion, and I get you guys are still in a fresh relationship and apart from each other, but if you can't go to your partner for consoling/venting whats the point of being in the relationship. For me a relationship is a safe haven where you can both be yourselves and come together to deal with issues and help each other with life but also build each other as people. I would message your partner and say something like "Hey, I know you're really busy but a few things have been going on with my father and I could really use your advice in the matter. When you're free would you mind calling me?" 1
kendahke Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I would advise that only if he wants you to go into it would I vent. I wouldn't call him up and just start dumping, especially if you don't know what kind of a day he's having and if he's in the frame of mind to listen to you complain. Call your girlfriends up and complain to them if you need someone to hear you out in that moment.
Author elizabetk Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 Has your partner ever met your father and have you discussed your complicated relationship with your father with your partner before, in person? Neither, my partner has not met my father yet as we live in a different country and is unaware of any particular details of the somewhat strenuous relationship with my father. My honest opinion, and I get you guys are still in a fresh relationship and apart from each other, but if you can't go to your partner for consoling/venting whats the point of being in the relationship. For me a relationship is a safe haven where you can both be yourselves and come together to deal with issues and help each other with life but also build each other as people. I would message your partner and say something like "Hey, I know you're really busy but a few things have been going on with my father and I could really use your advice in the matter. When you're free would you mind calling me?" Thanks. I also see my partner as someone I want to share the good (we have been lucky and it has been the prevailing emotion) and the bad (work matters, family/friends issues that are not directly connected to us) but wouldn't want to burden him.
kendahke Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 To add: There's a fine line between venting to your boyfriend and turning him into one of your girlfriends. 1
Author elizabetk Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 I would advise that only if he wants you to go into it would I vent. I wouldn't call him up and just start dumping, especially if you don't know what kind of a day he's having and if he's in the frame of mind to listen to you complain. Call your girlfriends up and complain to them if you need someone to hear you out in that moment. Haha, thanks. I usually don't vent or complain very often and as the matter is personal, I would much rather share with my boyfriend. Yet, even sharing with him feels like it could be overbearing due to his workload.
carhill Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Given the circumstances, IMO hold your counsel with your BF until you're together again in person and then, as applicable, introduce him to some of your complicated familial relationship. This kind of stuff is much easier for a guy to process in person and, as another respondent duly noted, guard against turning him into a girlfriend or therapist or receptacle. We all have stuff with our families. He probably does too. Open up a dialogue and see where it goes, when in personal, physical contact. 2
Author elizabetk Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 Given the circumstances, IMO hold your counsel with your BF until you're together again in person and then, as applicable, introduce him to some of your complicated familial relationship. This kind of stuff is much easier for a guy to process in person and, as another respondent duly noted, guard against turning him into a girlfriend or therapist or receptacle. We all have stuff with our families. He probably does too. Open up a dialogue and see where it goes, when in personal, physical contact. Thanks, I appreciate this. It seems like the best thing to do in this case.
d0nnivain Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Your fledgling relationship is already facing 1 test: being apart. Don't vent to your BF about family problems at this time. First it's too much intimate info too early. Second, men are fixers not listeners. Your GFs will listen to you spew just to get it out. A guy will want to take action. Since there is nothing he can do, telling him will only frustrate him. Keep it to yourself for now. When you get home you can unburden yourself about something else when your BF can at least give you a hug. Work your way up to family drama. 4
preraph Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 It's not going to burden him. He won't be emotionally invested like you are. You should be able to talk to him about this and anything else on your mind without fearing making a wrong step. Has he done something to make you feel like you are bothersome? 1
Author elizabetk Posted April 8, 2016 Author Posted April 8, 2016 (edited) Your fledgling relationship is already facing 1 test: being apart. Don't vent to your BF about family problems at this time. First it's too much intimate info too early. Second, men are fixers not listeners. Your GFs will listen to you spew just to get it out. A guy will want to take action. Since there is nothing he can do, telling him will only frustrate him. Keep it to yourself for now. When you get home you can unburden yourself about something else when your BF can at least give you a hug. Work your way up to family drama. Thanks, very wise advice. However, I did not listen and briefly mentioned last night as he asked if things with the family were alright, thought there was no point of being dishonest. Upon saying I had an argument with my father, questions flew and I could see he wanted to make sure all is fine. I was concise and we went on discussing work matters and upcoming wedding we have to attend. If he gets back to it when we are home, I would perhaps give him some more information, not necessarily about the current argument but relationship with my dad in general. Again, it truly depends on the direction in which the conversation is progressing. It's not going to burden him. He won't be emotionally invested like you are. You should be able to talk to him about this and anything else on your mind without fearing making a wrong step. Has he done something to make you feel like you are bothersome? Thanks. He has been an amazing boyfriend and constantly urges me to let go/not be defensive - he is all cards on the table type of guy and openly admitted (in front of me and his family) that he has never loved anyone like this before (mind you, he had a 6 years LTR that ended a couple of years ago). I think my issues with sharing come from an ex partner and my nature in general. Anyways, I am glad I managed to open up. Edited April 8, 2016 by elizabetk
geronimo Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 Your fledgling relationship is already facing 1 test: being apart. Don't vent to your BF about family problems at this time. First it's too much intimate info too early. Second, men are fixers not listeners. Your GFs will listen to you spew just to get it out. A guy will want to take action. Since there is nothing he can do, telling him will only frustrate him. Keep it to yourself for now. When you get home you can unburden yourself about something else when your BF can at least give you a hug. Work your way up to family drama. Damn I gotta say this comment really put things into perspective and made me realize the fact about men being "fixers". As I said previously you should talk it out because thats what a relationship is, but from what I can recall in the past, whenever my ex gf came to me with family problems/other friend problems, etc etc I would always give her ways to fix it or suggest ways she can move past it or how I can help it/help her get over it. I remember we used to sometimes get into arguments when I would give her these suggestions, but now I realize why lol. Women usually just need a ear to listen to their problems and not the "solution" I was providing. Also like it was said, knowing the fact that you guys are away and theres nothing he can do, will frustrate him. I have been there where my ex and I were apart for a little while and things came up where I couldn't do anything because of us being apart and it put a huge toll on me and in turn our relationship.
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