NC or Being Friends?

[Miss.A]

So I have heard both success and failure stories about the NC rule, I was just curious if anyone had any success stories about staying friends with your ex or someone you know that stayed friends with them? Also I just wanted to see what everyone options were on NC v.s staying friends?

 

I know I've seen threads like this before on here, but not a very recent one. So i just wanted to see some new opinions and ideas!

[Satu]

NC is very helpful in recovering from a breakup.

 

As a way of getting someone back, it's not so helpful.

 

Changing a romantic relationship into a friendship can be difficult, and is sometimes impossible.

 

 

Take care.

[gimlynick]

For me it was very obvious that being friends was not possible. She, the dumper, really wanted to, but for me it's not an option.

 

Just think about what it will do to you if your ex starts hanging out ( or worse, start a relation ) with someone else... You don't want to see this and want to stay around as a friend.

 

Also if you keep on seeing the dumper he er she will stay in your mind.

 

If you want to move on you'll need to go NC

[PrettyEmily77]

I have a few stories of exes becoming friends but not one where the friendship starts as soon as the relationship ends, unless the feelings weren't genuine to begin with or after a very long relationship between two mature adults during which the couple just drifts apart, no other party involved.

 

You need time apart to get over the end of the relationship and get your head straightened out, and you can't really do that with the ex still in the picture.

 

So friends after a healthy period of no/low contact (variable) and zero animosity / lingering romantic feelings = possible.

 

Friends straight after a breakup when one still has feelings (any feelings - hope for starting afresh, bitterness, anger, fear of loneliness or of lack of other options) = extremely unlikely to develop into a happy friendship.

[jen1447]

I'm friends with most of my exes. They're generally not best friends or anything like that but they're friends.

[Miss.A]

I’m gonna make a long story short. My ex broke up with me 4 days ago. Last week sometime he mentioned he had a weird feeling and that he wanted to break up. During that talk we decided to give each other space for a few days without contacting each other to see if that’s what he really wanted. After the few days were over, he decided he truly didn’t know what was wrong but something in his heart was telling him he needs space and time. He is extremely stressed with work, school, graduating and moving that he said something inside him is telling him to cut me out. Its wasn’t a hard break up but it definitely wasn’t mutual. He said he needed time to figure out what was wrong and time apart. I tried to ask him if there was anything we could do to work it out and try to fix things. He said he wanted to figure out what was wrong, and when he did he would let me know if it was fixable or not. He also made the suggestion that we break up now, stay friends and stay in contact and when a month or two has passed and he is done with all the things causing him stress he would like to go on a date and try to start again, fresh. But at the same time he said he didnt wanna set a specific time frame on when he would like to try again because he doesnt wanna give me “false hope”. He also mentioned if we hopped back into a relationship right away he would fall right back into the same place, and that he knows it wont work unless we have time apart. So now we are officially broken up with the hope we might wanna try again when time has past.

 

I looked at all the sites like these which suggest trying the NC rule as a way to get your feelings in check and that it might lead to reconciliation. I tried it for 2 days and he texted me about his day first, which to me was a good sign. We also talked about if we think it is right to be friends after the break up, because it was raking my mind a lot the past day or two. And he said it wont bother him if we see each other as just friends. But, I still need a little time to myself. With our convo yesterday I asked him if he thinks staying friends would hinder or ruin any chance we have to get back together and he said “Being just friends wont jeopardize any chance”.

 

My plan is to stay friends with him because that’s what he agreed upon. But also not initiating the convo very often hopping that he will do that part. I don’t wanna stress him out too much or be to needy/ clingy.

 

Do you all think this is a good plan, or what are your thoughts? Basically I have never seen a situation like mine on the internet so hopefully someone has some advice for me here.

[LD1990]

He's making a lot of excuses so he can have you on the backburner while keeping his options as open as possible, and you're letting him walk all over you because you want to be with him.

 

Something that he conveniently can't describe is telling him to cut you out of his life, so he's gonna do that. But wait around for him for a month or two, because despite how busy he is, he's also gonna somehow pinpoint this indescribable feeling and then decide if he wants to be with you again. Scratch that, he doesn't want to set a specific time frame, so for all you know this could go on for eternity.

 

Notice how he has dictated all the terms of this breakup and gotten exactly what he wanted? You're waiting around, you're there for him when he wants and not there when he doesn't.

 

Here's a better plan: tell him you're worth more than being his "in case of emergency" girlfriend and that he can have all the space he needs, but you're not waiting around for him to figure his little unidentified problem out. Then block him and move on to someone who won't dump you just because he has a funny feeling.

[mightycpa]

You mean is it a good plan to get him back? No.

 

Or is it a good plan to cure your desire for him? No.

 

Being just friends won't jeopardize your chance at reconciliation because there is no chance to jeopardize. By being his friend, you'll see that in time, as he gets interested in other girls.

 

Not a good plan at all, unless you're trying to prolong the agony. Then it's a great plan.

[266696687]

No it's not a good plan at all.

 

He dumped you which basically means he doesn't want you in his life anymore. He has been clear that he no longer wants to be with you. He doesn't want to be committed to you.

 

There is a limited number of reasons why he would want to be friends with you immediately after breaking up with you.

 

1. He wants to alleviate any guilt he may feel from hurting you.

2. He wants to keep you around for sex. He knows you have feelings for him still because you've agreed (against your better judgement) to remain friends with him therefore he knows he can tap you up as a friend for some no strings attached sex should nothing else come along.

3. He is keeping you around as a back up in case he doesn't get any other options.

 

If he loved you he would be with you. If he wanted to be committed to you he would be. This guy has made it clear he doesn't want you as his girlfriend anymore you've been demoted. You deserve better. Never let someone demote you. If they don't want to be with you walk away. Don't stick around hoping him wanting to be your friend means he will change his mind. It doesn't. In fact it means he wants to string you along until he replaces you with someone else. When he finds a new girlfriend do you think he'll still want to be friends with you? What new girlfriend would put up with her boyfriends ex hanging around? Especially one that still has feelings for him.

 

When he find someone else your 'friendship' will cease to exist and the only one who will get hurt is you because he has already moved on from you which is why he dumped you. You are making a desperate attempt to keep him in your life by accepting less from him than what you want or deserve. He won't respect you for this.

 

You should tell him that you cannot be friends with him as you need to move on. Your relationship is over and any further friendship with him isn't in your best interest. Then go NC.

 

Staying friends is only hurting you. Staying friends is only delaying you moving on.

 

This friendship will only benefit him.

 

Don't be a doormat. Walk away!

[ExpatInItaly]

A big, fat no to this plan.

 

You will get hurt again.

 

Don't allow yourself to be Plan B. Being friends right doesn't matter to him because he is the one who broke up with you. He's already emotionally checked out, for whatever reason. This is detrimental to you and your healing.

 

What happens if after a couple months he tells you he'd like to go on a date..with someone else?

 

Just tell him you are going to take space for yourself now. And cut contact for a while. Focus on moving forward with your own life. People do sometimes reunite but you can't pin your hopes on that, as hard as that is.

[d0nnivain]

I think it's a terrible plan. You don't want to be just his friend. You want to be his GF. He has broken up with you & doesn't want you as a GF. Why are you settling for less? He's lying, btw, when he says he wants to be friends. It won't lead to a reconciliation. He's only saying it in a misguided attempt to soften the blow.

 

 

What's really going on is that he's moving into a next phase in his life -- post graduation, moving out -- and he doesn't want to take you or this relationship with him. In his mind he knows you are not his future wife.

 

 

NC is not a way to lure him back. Absence does not make the heart grow fonder. Time apart -- these so called breaks -- only allow the bad stuff to fester & prove to the person that they can live without you.

 

 

Keep your dignity. Make it a clean break so you can heal.

 

 

The idea that you can be friends is crazy. What are you going to do, give him advice about his next GF? Spare yourself the drama because when you two go on to form new relationships your new SOs will not be happy about the presence of an EX in the guise of friendship

[Miss.A]

Thanks guys for all the advice!

[PegNosePete]

Last week sometime he mentioned he had a weird feeling and that he wanted to break up.

He is talking a load of gunf and smokescreening you with this junk talk. He has said a lo of words but no actual meaning. People do not break up because they have a "weird feeling". He is obviously hiding something otherwise he would just be honest and tell you the real reason.

 

It sounds to me like he's trying to let you down gently. Giving you vague reasons for the breakup and telling you "maybe in a month or 2". Then in a month or 2 he will say yeah sorry I don't want to get back together. He's being a wuss, he can't just man up and tell you he doesn't want a relationship with you any more.

 

Your plan is terrible. Being "friends" with someone you still have feelings for, is torture. Tell him that you can't be friends because you still have feelings, then begin NC. Not as a trick to get him back, but because it's the best way for you to move on.

[Miss.A]

Thanks for the advice guys. I was just trying to hold on to something that clearly wasnt there anymore. Im gonna start NC and if he ever wants to reach out, then we'll see what happens.

[kztar]

Thanks for the advice guys. I was just trying to hold on to something that clearly wasnt there anymore. Im gonna start NC and if he ever wants to reach out, then we'll see what happens.

 

I will say NC and BLOCK him everywhere. That IF he ever reaches out might never happen. Trust me erase that IF from your head and think of this as forever. Someone who is checked out and only telling you these things, just doesn't want to give you real reasons.

 

I know what it is to have that hope, but the faster you let go of it the faster you will feel better and move on.

[Miss.A]

So grabbing drinks with my ex tonight and he told me hes slept with another girl and “might have feelings for her”and also told me he told me it was wrong what he did and said it was a mistake. He said he is lost and he doesn’t know what to do.

 

I was so disgusted by the news I of course told him how I felt and how I can never trust him again. He said he didn’t know what the future looked like and hes not looking for a relationship, but it just happened.

 

I just really need to vent that this is the most terrible thing that I could have thought to happen. I’m just so lost and I don’t know what to do. How can someone disrespect our past relationship (we broke up 2 weeks ago) that much, to do something like that. I know it is a rebound and that he is moving in 2 months so there is no point in him seeing someone else. But I just don’t know what to do guys, Im angry, lost, hopeless, and sad. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? I can give more back story if needed.

 

I just don’t see how him sleeping with someone else is helping him find himself.

 

Honestly, I never wanna be with someone like him again, because he disrespected me so much. But talking about it on here helps me cope.

[CarrieT]

He is an Ex so why are you still in contact with him? And what does it matter if he slept with someone else? You two aren't together...

 

The best way to get over him is to block him and go "No Contact" 100%. Then whatever he does won't affect you as much.

[ExpatInItaly]

]He is an Ex so why are you still in contact with him? And what does it matter if he slept with someone else? You two aren't together...[/b]

 

The best way to get over him is to block him and go "No Contact" 100%. Then whatever he does won't affect you as much.

 

This.

 

It's a tough lesson to learn; when your relationship is over, you can both do what you want which includes having sex with other people. This is why continuing to meet and maintain close contact after a break-up is generally a bad idea. It sucks, and it's hurtful to hear, but he doesn't owe it to you not to have sex with another woman.

 

You guys need to start behaving likes exes. No more drinks together. No more sharing details of your private lives. That's the only way you'll move past this.

[TaraMaiden2]

There is much I could say, as a co-scriber of the No Contact Guide (see my signature).

But really, all I need to do is to echo the two above posts.

 

He's your EX. He can do whatever the hell he wants, and you shouldn't be in touch with him, let alone assume you have any right to judge, or let yourself be affected by, his actions.

[Satu]

He's not done anything wrong.

 

He did something you don't like, but it wasn't wrong.

 

As a single person he has the right to have sexual encounters such as this.

 

Whether it was advisable or not is another discussion.

[urmysong]

I can feel You...it drives me crazy thinking about my ex sleeping with someone else but I pray and hope not because I still love him very much. we just broke a month ago and I am still hoping he will come back to me and realized that those were not enough reasons to give up on us.

but sometimes, my brain tells me too to let him go and let him be happy with someone else cause each of us deserves to be happy. but my heart says he still loves me.

[candie13]

Well... He ain't moving in your direction, Is he? That's the only thing that matters. Actually, he moves further away from You, but then sees You for ease and comfort. You bet he'll sleep with the new woman again.

 

Sounds like history to me. He's lost and immature. Start NC asap, he's using both of you.

[elaine567]

HE broke up with you.

Break ups happen for a reason, they usually mean that the person doing the dumping wants to see and sleep with other people.

If they truly wanted to work on the relationship, then they can do that within the relationship.

He breaks up with you, he sleeps with someone else, he is not "confused", he wanted to do that. If he has "feelings for her", then all this "confusion" is merely for your benefit.

If he is no longer emotionally invested in you, which is actually often the case with dumpers, then she is no rebound.

 

All this is telling you to move on, there is nothing for you here.

Grieve, heal and don't look back.

[Simon Phoenix]

So grabbing drinks with my ex tonight and he told me hes slept with another girl and “might have feelings for her”and also told me he told me it was wrong what he did and said it was a mistake. He said he is lost and he doesn’t know what to do.

 

I was so disgusted by the news I of course told him how I felt and how I can never trust him again. He said he didn’t know what the future looked like and hes not looking for a relationship, but it just happened.

 

I just really need to vent that this is the most terrible thing that I could have thought to happen. I’m just so lost and I don’t know what to do. How can someone disrespect our past relationship (we broke up 2 weeks ago) that much, to do something like that. I know it is a rebound and that he is moving in 2 months so there is no point in him seeing someone else. But I just don’t know what to do guys, Im angry, lost, hopeless, and sad. Has anyone dealt with anything like this? I can give more back story if needed.

 

I just don’t see how him sleeping with someone else is helping him find himself.

 

Honestly, I never wanna be with someone like him again, because he disrespected me so much. But talking about it on here helps me cope.

 

Why are you meeting your ex for drinks exactly? I mean, what he did wasn't wrong because you do not have a relationship. It's over. The sooner you realize that and actually take this breakup seriously the better you'll feel.

 

It sucks hearing the news you heard, but you put yourself in that position by foolishly staying in contact with him. It's time to actually do No Contact for real.

[Miss.A]

Thanks for the reply guys. We were meeting up because we have financial issues to deal with. If I could've had it my way I would have started NC from day one.

 

And I know I am never going to talk to him again because that's my choice, but not because he dumped me because he doesn't deserve my respect anymore. I know damn well that he can do whatever he wants and pleases him, were not together anymore. But it still hurts to see and hear, no matter what the situation. Im not looking to get him back, I know I deserve better than someone that disrespected our past relationship like that. I know hes having GIGS, because he started drinking, smoking and now this.

Edited April 24, 2016 by Miss.A