WasOtherWoman Posted April 9, 2016 Posted April 9, 2016 So, now that you have had that conversation, is there a compromise? I have to admit for me, that weekend does not sound appealing. When you say "at the lake" do you mean sleeping in a hotel, on a boat, in a tent? Is there some way that you could make the trip more attractive for her, still spending some time with your friends but some nice quality time alone also? i.e. nice hotel? close enough to drive home and just make a day trip?.. .something? If it were me, that sort of weekend would not appeal to me either, but I am sure that we could find a compromise that would. just a thought... 3
Author TrustedthenBusted Posted April 10, 2016 Author Posted April 10, 2016 So, now that you have had that conversation, is there a compromise? I have to admit for me, that weekend does not sound appealing. When you say "at the lake" do you mean sleeping in a hotel, on a boat, in a tent? Is there some way that you could make the trip more attractive for her, still spending some time with your friends but some nice quality time alone also? i.e. nice hotel? close enough to drive home and just make a day trip?.. .something? If it were me, that sort of weekend would not appeal to me either, but I am sure that we could find a compromise that would. just a thought... The compromise is I simply won't go the weekend of the 4th, when the scene will definitely be a lot rowdier and crazier. We are already heading up there a couple weeks prior as a family and renting a house. We will also go again some weeks after the 4th with my friends on a weekend that will be a bit less rowdy. At the end of it all, who goes where or to what lake was really not the issue. It was a trigger, based on her explaining her boundaries, and me reacting to the idea that we even NEED to be having these types of conversations. That sort of thing. Thanks everyone, and sorry Mods ( got my wrist slapped for this one. ) 1
Mr Blunt Posted April 11, 2016 Posted April 11, 2016 (edited) TrustedthenBusted Anyway, when I mentioned hanging at the lake for the 4th, my wife says " I don't want to do that." So I ask why not? " Because I don't want to get drunk all week with a bunch of rowdy naked kids." My understanding of your posts is that you and your wife do not get drunk. Furthermore, I have been to that Havasu and Glamis but do not remember any naked kids. I did see some women that were dressed that left very little to the imagination. I think your wife’s comments above are mostly related to her betrayal and she overstated her concern. If I went on the kind of weekends she goes on, I can't imagine she'd have any issue with it I do not blame your wife for not wanting you to go to those events by yourself. Although she overstated the issue there is a lot of skin showed, a lot of drinking, and an atmosphere of freedom and letting it all hang out at those events. You seem like a very social man that likes good fun action but you are not immune to temptations. Besides you may have a little bit of revenge left in you but I could be wrong. The compromise is I simply won't go the weekend of the 4th, when the scene will definitely be a lot rowdier and crazier. We are already heading up there a couple weeks prior as a family and renting a house. We will also go again some weeks after the 4th with my friends on a weekend that will be a bit less rowdy Great compromise!!! Congrats to you and your wife for problem solving! She did relay, on her own, and before I could even get to it, that it is very difficult for her to bring up boundaries where my activities are concerned, because she is well aware of what a hypocrite she must sound like doing it. But at the same time, she is trying to have those difficult conversations rather than not have them Your wife is not a hypocrite because she has over 5 years of proving that she has boundaries. If you are going to progress then you cannot let you or your wife’s failures of the past stop you from trying to promote good boundaries. Spouses are one of the best people to help each other with boundaries. All these years later, and that's still the best I can do. Sometimes I feel bad for her when I give this answer because I know how much she'd rather hear that I trust her 100% again. Your wife’s desire for 100% trust is too high and unrealistic. One of the consequences of betrayal is that most will never get 100% trust back. In fact, I do not think that 100% trust is wise in any case. I come to realize that all humans have weaknesses and that 100% trust is a great luxury that very few, if any, obtain. Everyone is capable of breaking trust IMO. You do not need 100% trusts to have a good marriage even after infidelity. I have over 20 years of R and I have a very good life and marriage and I have less than 100% trust and do not intend to get, nor do I desire to have, 100% trust. Edited April 11, 2016 by Mr Blunt 1
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