beezlebub Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Hey guys, Rather a long winded post! My GF and I have been together for almost 5 years now and had been friends for years before that. We have never been in a fight and rarely bicker, except over silly little things We share most of the same interests and sense of humor. Perfect match? Possibly. We are only in our early twenties, so time will tell! Anyways, she plays online games a lot and has gotten into recording and streaming! She is starting to do well in it and really likes what she is doing. Im happy and proud for her. A few months ago she met some new people that are quiet popular and she has become friends with them and plays many games with them. A few days ago she was invited by them to join them at a gaming expo in another country, as they had some spare tickets. The expo is two weeks from today, so there was no real way to plan for it. She has decided to go as it could be a great opportunity for her to network. I dont mind her going, since its something she really wants to do, though I do wish it wasnt such a last minute, impulse decision. There are other events she could go to during the year with better planning. The problem lies in the fact that she is going alone and she doesnt want me to go with her since I wouldnt know anyone and I would be bored, thus making her bored. She will instead be meeting the friends of hers that she has known for a few months, and has never actually met in person, at the expo. On top of that there is only one other girl in their group of 5 and that girl is already decided on rooming with one of the other guys. So the guy that invited my GF to come has offered my GF to share a hotel room with him, to split the cost. Just the fact that she is going there with people she barely knows and has never met, makes me very uncomfortable and worried. The fact that she would be sharing a hotel room with this guy on top of that, is making me very anxious and nervous. As a guy, I think I know what will be going through his mind the entire time, though I think my GF is oblivious to the idea. I trust my girlfriend I most definitely do not trust these people. Also there will be lots of drinking going on during the night times of the event. Honestly I dont know what to do. I dont think it would be right for me to get her to skip the event (I doubt I could get her to skip it, even if I tried anyways). But she also wont see reason in having me come along either. Her family as well as I, really do not want her to go alone. Its a foolish thing to do and I think she is being naive to completely trust these people, as she does. Her excuses are that I dont trust her and that we should trust her judgement on her friends, since shes an "adult". Am I wrong to feel this upset? Should I try and change her mind? Is she being dumb and unreasonable? I have never been in this situation before, so I do not know how I should be feeling! Thanks!
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Going to the convention: if you trust her then you need to trust her judgement. Sharing a room with a guy she has never met in person: not just no, but HELL NO! She is being very dumb and unreasonable. I would tell her that you are NOT comfortable with her sharing a room with a guy she has never met (or one she has met, either). If she really wants to go then she should put up the extra $$ for a single. 12
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 This is so unwise, does she even really know who these people are in real life? ...and as for sharing a room with a guy??????
smudge21 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Does she show any empathy to how you're feeling about this? I'm sure her attitude would be different if it were you going away with a group of unknown girls and staying in a hotel room with one of them. I would imagine she'd be a lot more angry than you're being right now. I hate the double standards thing that exists in times like these - you're supposed to just be okay with it, whereas there's no way she would be. The fact is, you're both committed to each other and that includes trusting and respecting each other. I wouldn't want to stop her going either, so me personally would probably invite myself along, get a nice hotel room for both of us and make a holiday of it. If she pushes you away from that idea then I'd be more concerned... 1
Author beezlebub Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 Honestly I do not know if she cares how I feel or not. She is a nice girl though so im assuming she does, or perhaps she doesnt truly understand how strongly this is upsetting me. She says that if she was in this situation, she would be perfectly fine with me staying with another girl. But how would she know that, if I have never put her in a situation anywhere close to this one. I dont even talk to other girls, let alone shack up with one in a hotel room. She is not letting me go along with her, thus far. I always wanted to go on trips with her, though this isnt my idea of a vacation, it is still nice to get away and explore the world. I have been offering to get a hotel room for the both of us. Originally she wanted to get her brother to come as well, so I wouldnt be stuck with her and her friends, and could go off on our own. But he cant get the time off work, so she decided for me that I wasnt gonna go.
ASG Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I go to A LOT of conventions. Like.. a LOT. A fe years ago, I was going to one suh con, on my own, and needed a room share. I saw on the boards for the event a guy advertising a room share. It would be to share a doible bed, not twin beds. I accepted. We spoke and added eaxh other on FB. We didn't meet until the actual con, when we were to share not just a room, but a bed as well. This was 6 years ago. This guy is now one of my best friends. Nothing untoward EVER happened. EVER. He never even hinted at making a move on me. We have since shared many many times. And my friends have many similar stories. So while I understand your worry, know that most of the time, it is absolutely fine and a great way to reduce costs! And make awesome friends. For the record, I have never hooked up with anyone I've shared a room with at a con, unless it was already hppenig before. 1
kismetkismet Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I think that her going to the convention on her own is.. while possibly not the safest idea.. not an affront to your relationship and not terribly unsafe either. Rooming with a guy that she has never met before though seems neither safe, nor fair to you. Has she refused to room alone if she won't bring you?
Author beezlebub Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 Theres a 30% currency difference between here and there. Sharing a room is just affordable, since you split the price, but a single room by herself would be too expensive I think. The prices are the same for both single or double rooms.
preraph Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Even if you pay for her a room, then the group is going to say now the other guy can't afford to go. You can't make her do anything, but I understand why you and her parents wouldn't want her to share a room with a guy she doesn't know. Have you thought about having her skype you into a face to face with this guy. Assess him that way. Probably he's a total geek or something. She's not going to like it, but if you could get the names of everyone, you could run background checks on them if you know where they're from.
LoveRefreshed Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I would not be okay with my gf sharing a hotel room with a man ESPECIALLY once she said I'm not invited. I would absolutely not be okay with that aspect and I wouldn't just make it known, but I would make it crystal clear that if she doesn't heed your input and concern herself with how you feel about it, that there would be consequences. My GF had an inappropriate boundary with an ex bf and she was traveling to his city for a conference. She asked if she could stay at his place, I said sure! Not a problem if you're single! However, I'm not cool with it and I can help with a hotel. Which would you prefer? I was as serious as a heart attack man and she respected my wishes. 5
kendahke Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Any reason why you can't go and just go do something else while she's networking at her convention? You can go take in the sites and do other things. You dont' need to be joined at the hip there, do you? 2
salparadise Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 That is the silliest thing I've ever heard. Terrible judgement. She doesn't know these people at all. Even if she did, sharing a hotel room with a guy is completely inappropriate. If she can't empathize and respect your feelings... heck, just the fact that you're having to deal with such nonsense is absurd. 1
kismetkismet Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I agree with loverefreshed.. While i think that laying down rules and ultimatums is destructive to relationships and only leads to resentment, it's 100% within your rights to say that the situation makes you uncomfortable both for her safety and for your relationship. If she loves and respects you she should care about those feelings of anxiety, particularly when there's a way around it - you go with her or maybe you help her pay for her own room. People that are a good match usually have similar ideas about what the boundaries in a relationship should be - not everyone is the same boundaries or should, but if you're a good match emotionally then they likely will be similar. It's still something that needs to be talked about though, you can't just expect them to mind read it. Have you told her you feel uncomfortable emotionally - not just for her safety - and asked her how she would feel if she were put in your position?
loveweary11 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 No way in hell. After seeing so many guys get whalloped in my life from these situations, I'd sooner break up with her than let her go open up a new world she's excluding you from. The only way a new thing opens up is if you are part of it. Share a room with her. You have to go. If not, this will end up like every other "my gf started a new job", "my gf went to college", etc... thread. The current dude is always dumped for a new one from the new world. 1
Author beezlebub Posted April 7, 2016 Author Posted April 7, 2016 We came to the decision that she would get a single room. I did kinda want to go though, but this is the next best thing Thanks for the help guys! 5
SugarLips72 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Sharing a room with a guy is a dealbreaker, unfathomable and absolutely idiotic on her part. If she cannot find a woman to room with she should suck it up and pay for a room on her own. I went out of the country once with some online friends 6 years ago. We were all a fan of an A list British actor who was doing a play in London. All of us were females and I knew who I was rooming with which was a 78 year old woman. I made friends and it was great fun and we actually wound up backstage meeting him it was awesome. Rooming with a guy who I don't even know is insane and honestly your GF has a screw loose. 1
Jersey born raised Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Huh? Just how do you know you just paid for a room for him and her to schack up in? I am not going to jump up and down shouting EA she using this to have a PA. I will say the odds of nothing happen are in the range of a pick 3 lottery. You have been living with her for several years. Are you engaged? 1
strawberryshortstack Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Even if you pay for her a room, then the group is going to say now the other guy can't afford to go. You can't make her do anything, but I understand why you and her parents wouldn't want her to share a room with a guy she doesn't know. Have you thought about having her skype you into a face to face with this guy. Assess him that way. Probably he's a total geek or something. She's not going to like it, but if you could get the names of everyone, you could run background checks on them if you know where they're from. Whether or not the other guy can afford a room is not her, or the OP's problem. However, I'm going to chime in along with the others who've said that sharing a room with a guy isn't necessarily a problem - unless he doesn't trust her, and that's a bigger problem than just this trip. If she's trustworthy and sets boundaries, sharing a room with a guy shouldn't be an issue. 1
PegNosePete Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 If she's trustworthy and sets boundaries, sharing a room with a guy shouldn't be an issue. If she sets boundaries then presumably sharing rooms with guys she's never met at conventions where there will be lost of alcohol, is most likely crossing those boundaries. 3
OnlyHonesty Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) We came to the decision that she would get a single room. I did kinda want to go though, but this is the next best thing This is not the next best thing, there is no best thing about it. I think you are so willing to look past her behavior because you are so afraid of losing her that you have not set boundaries, and you would be fearful of acting on those boundaries. Ask yourself what you would do in this situation if you were not afraid of walking away... That single room means nothing in my book. She has explicitly told you to stay away, why? Edited April 7, 2016 by OnlyHonesty 3
TooLegitToQuit Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 A huge part of being faithful is avoiding situations that even just LOOK really bad. Her sharing a room w a guy who isn't a blood relative looks HORRIBLE. I don't care if they don't lay a hand on each other (yeah right!), what she is doing is still cheating. I actually think she is meeting this guy to see if the in-person chemistry is as strong as the online chemistry. 6
kismetkismet Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I disagree with the others still raising red flags. If you aren't into gaming at all and wouldn't have anything to do at the conference then it might just feel like she has to entertain you the whole time - particularly if no one else is bringing their bf/gf It seems like besides this trip she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her. I wouldn't be super happy about it, but I don't think it's unreasonable. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 A huge part of being faithful is avoiding situations that even just LOOK really bad. Her sharing a room w a guy who isn't a blood relative looks HORRIBLE. I don't care if they don't lay a hand on each other (yeah right!), what she is doing is still cheating. I actually think she is meeting this guy to see if the in-person chemistry is as strong as the online chemistry. This was my initial impression, too. OP, she is keeping you away for a reason. You need to be very concerned about that. Even if you wouldn't enjoy the convention and gaming aspects, you could surely find other ways to fill your time while she participates in those activities. I am assuming there will also be downtime in which the two of you could have explored the local area together. I wouldn't be so quick to assume all is well just because she has agreed to a single room. She has still made it clear you are not welcome. Sorry, but this doesn't smell good at all. 6
ASG Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 If she sets boundaries then presumably sharing rooms with guys she's never met at conventions where there will be lost of alcohol, is most likely crossing those boundaries. People keep making assumptions, but how many of you have actually been in a similar situation? I go to cons a lot and yes, there is a LOT of alcohol. It has never made me hook up with my room mates. And quite often they are male. One, *shock horror* I didn't even meet until I got to the hotel and was to share a double bed with!!! We've since shared a room (and bed) countless times. I think the most "action" between us was when one of us was turning in our sleep and accidentally brushed against the other. And even that doesn't happen these days, as most hotels have king size beds with plenty of space! A huge part of being faithful is avoiding situations that even just LOOK really bad. Her sharing a room w a guy who isn't a blood relative looks HORRIBLE. I don't care if they don't lay a hand on each other (yeah right!), what she is doing is still cheating. I actually think she is meeting this guy to see if the in-person chemistry is as strong as the online chemistry. WTF?!?!?! This says a lot more about you than it does about the OPs GF. Seriously, the fact that you can't even comprehend that people DO share rooms without any ulterior motives is, frankly, quite baffling. I disagree with the others still raising red flags. If you aren't into gaming at all and wouldn't have anything to do at the conference then it might just feel like she has to entertain you the whole time - particularly if no one else is bringing their bf/gf It seems like besides this trip she hasn't given you any reason to doubt her. I wouldn't be super happy about it, but I don't think it's unreasonable. I have to agree. There is nothing worse than having to entertain someone who tagged along to a con without any interest in it whatsoever. You feel torn, because you don't want them to feel bad/bored/whatever, but the end result is that you end up not really having that much fun. 1
ASG Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 This was my initial impression, too. OP, she is keeping you away for a reason. You need to be very concerned about that. Even if you wouldn't enjoy the convention and gaming aspects, you could surely find other ways to fill your time while she participates in those activities. I am assuming there will also be downtime in which the two of you could have explored the local area together. I wouldn't be so quick to assume all is well just because she has agreed to a single room. She has still made it clear you are not welcome. Sorry, but this doesn't smell good at all. Gaming cons are usually 24/7 deals. People literally game for days, sometimes without sleep (or showers... it can get messy and very very smelly!). And if you aren't playing, you're partying with the rest of the gamers you met. There is NO "exploring the local area" during a convention. And if OP has no interest in gaming and that's what they'll be doing and, quite possibly, talking about, when they're not gaming, then his presence would just be a massive hindrance to her enjoyment. 1
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