ardenxia07 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) I am a freshman at college now. Like most girls, I wanted to date, have a boyfriend and experience love. I liked this guy from the same club immediately after meeting him. We have so much in common, personality, humor, and even our siblings have the same name. I was a female pursuer. I tried to engage in conversations with him whenever possible and participated in all the events he went to. He fit most of my ideal other half standards: bright smile, religious, plays sports, funny, respectful to parents. I was really sad when he had to study abroad for a semester because I didn't get to say bye to him. However, the night he went on his flight, he messaged me. And our message went on for months until now. We used to message each other everyday 100+ messages, send Snapchats and even call each other. I used to laugh like all couples in love do when receiving his texts. All my closest friends know about him, and he is all I talk about for more than 5 months. A few weeks ago, a friend of his told me that he confessed his feelings about me before he left. Knowing that he liked me as well was when things began to go down the spiral. I realized I was a bad woman. I want to have things I cannot have. I like the feeling of liking someone, but I don't like it when they like me back. Two days ago, I woke up panicking. I was so scared. I don't want to see him. Most people in our club know about us messaging each other, so they often tease me about it. And he definitely knows that I like him, (at least I did in the beginning). He thinks our feelings are mutual for each other. Part of me just want to do a plastic surgery, look completely different, and move as far away from him as possible. I am so afraid of commitment. I love freedom and I don't like to be tied down. I don't want to date anyone right now. In the beginning of the school year, my mind was too focused on finding a boy, but now, after calming myself, I don't know if he is a good fit for me anymore. He is more than one foot taller than me. He is definitely a good guy, but he doesn't have good postures, and is too skinny for my taste. I think it's completely my fault here, falling in love too quickly and regretting. I probably need several years to overcome my commitment phobia. My heart races so fast, and not in a good way, when I think about meeting him next semester. I don't want to crush his heart, but I also don't want to start a relationship soon. What should I do next semester? Should I tell him let's just start off as friends? Should I be mean to him or just act cold so he knows my feelings toward him? Edited April 7, 2016 by ardenxia07 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 The problem isn't him, it's you. You need some form of counselling or therapy to establish why you have this fear/insecurity about commitment, otherwise this is a story that will repeat time and again in your life. Get help. And be honest with him about it. It will be a major step in the right direction. 4
ExpatInItaly Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Do not be mean or cold to him. That is not an appropriate way to treat someone, whatever fears and issues you may have. Be honest with him and tell him you don't feel you are in a position to be in a relationship right now. And I agree with TaraMaiden2 - the problem is within you. I would also strongly recommend you seek some counseling to understand this overwhelming fear. There is a difference between realizing the person isn't right for you and waking up in a panic and wanting to run away. If you don't, you will inadvertently hurt a lot of people and not afford yourself the chance to experience true intimacy. 1
Zippy2000 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 You need to work out and find out what you want. You discuss about "finding a boy" but what happens when you find him with your commitment fears? Youre not going to get a second chance in finding him going in circles like this. You want someone but yet pull away when they come to you. What will happen is you`ll find someone who you really mile and a great match only to find out you lost him due to your unavilibility. Have you tried counselling or books to read read about about commitement fear? 1
spriggan2 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 (edited) Knowing that he liked me as well was when things began to go down the spiral. I realized I was a bad woman. I want to have things I cannot have. I like the feeling of liking someone, but I don't like it when they like me back. Lol...that bug seems to be going around. My last GF was super hot on me until the point she realized I genuinely liked her, and that's when things went downhill. She's about to turn 28 years old. I just don't get it. I'm inclined to believe more women than would admit it behave like this, which is why I find success when I act cold and aloof and half-interested. They don't want relationship security. Very mature. But maybe Im just bitter. OP just tell him your problem and don't put the blame on him with 100 reasons why he's not right for you. Edited April 7, 2016 by spriggan2 1
elaine567 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 What should I do next semester? Should I tell him let's just start off as friends? Should I be mean to him or just act cold so he knows my feelings toward him? You tell him just now, today, this minute that your feeling have changed and you do not feel the same way abut him. Don't wait until next semester and waste his time, do not go cold or mean as that is just cruel. Be an adult, talk to him and tell him the truth. 2
LydiaLong Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 There's no getting around the fact that dealing with this situation is going to be painful for you and for him. It's ok not to want to be tied down. You like your freedom. You like the chase, the dance, the ritual. But in the end you don't want to be attached to someone permanently. Put on your big girl panties and tell him the truth. It will save you a ton of money on plastic surgery. 2
LoveRefreshed Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Typically speaking, I think their is a root cause for this type of behavior. In my experience of dating, girls who flaked after you actually showed interest grew up with family problems, and in two cases that I have experience with, fathers that left their mothers. There's some sort of drive for them to keep guys from leaving them irrespective of feelings. If you don't let them satisfy that need, they'll go looking for it elsewhere. I find it particularly sad but don't know how to address it openly with someone. It's really a subjective opinion and I did mention it to them but not in full context. Just that this need existed for them. They both acknowledged it but I never related it back to their past traumas. They need to have a realization and understanding of themselves. An objectively critical introspective look or a therapist might help. My mother left me when I don't remember it. I was introduced to her when I was 8 years old. At the age of 31, I can tell you that I've only recently dealt with this. I found myself clinging to two different unhealthy relationships and only moving on once I found a replacement girl. I had to really think about my behavior and why. I realized I'm afraid of abandonment, not so much of being alone because I'm fine with that but the actual act of them leaving me because they didn't love me was troublesome. Only once I realized how in love they were with me did I even take a moment to evaluate "am I happy with them?" I struggle so hard to find a woman who loves me that I don't even focus on if I love them or how to accept love. I understand where you are coming from OP, but if you ever want to find happiness, I think you really need to slay some personal demons. 2
Standard-Fare Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Although your freakout is suggesting some deep-seated issues you need to get to the roof of, I do think it would be healthy to step back from this extreme BUILD-UP you two have created. You acknowledged your interest in each other on the very night before he headed abroad. That's dramatic in itself. You've had intense interactions since then, while he's been long-distance. 100 texts a day is just insane, I'm sorry. In the meantime, you guys haven't spent any time in person actually getting to know each other in a more genuine, realistic way. It's become a fantasy, loaded with expectations. I think it's actually the RIGHT THING to tell this guy you need to scale back. Tell him the long-distance intensity is too much for you to handle ... suggest that you cut down your communication and focus more on yourselves for a while. You can see where you both stand when he's home from abroad, but it shouldn't be an automatic expectation of "We're a committed couple." 1
madyg88 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 i see two things here. maybe you are just too young and must live freely now,meet different people and live your life,you know.so it can be a normal experience,you still have to grow.there's nothing wrong at your age to have a crush on someone and seeing it fading quickly. or maybe you must be helped by a professional because it may affect your future love/social life badly,but nobody of us can tell you this with certainty.try to have just a talk with a pro psychologist and see if you feel like you must be helped or just grow up. i think anyway you should be honest with this boy.you should tell him he's great but that your feeling now is that you can not have any kind of commitment. 1
Satu Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I don’t feel good therefore I am bad therefore no one loves me. I feel good therefore I am good therefore everyone loves me. I am good You do not love me therefore you are bad. So I do not love you. I am good You love me therefore you are good. So I love you. I am bad You love me therefore you are bad. - RD Laing, Knots.
truth_seeker Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 I am a freshman at college now. Like most girls, I wanted to date, have a boyfriend and experience love. I liked this guy from the same club immediately after meeting him. We have so much in common, personality, humor, and even our siblings have the same name. I was a female pursuer. I tried to engage in conversations with him whenever possible and participated in all the events he went to. He fit most of my ideal other half standards: bright smile, religious, plays sports, funny, respectful to parents. I was really sad when he had to study abroad for a semester because I didn't get to say bye to him. However, the night he went on his flight, he messaged me. And our message went on for months until now. We used to message each other everyday 100+ messages, send Snapchats and even call each other. I used to laugh like all couples in love do when receiving his texts. All my closest friends know about him, and he is all I talk about for more than 5 months. A few weeks ago, a friend of his told me that he confessed his feelings about me before he left. Knowing that he liked me as well was when things began to go down the spiral. I realized I was a bad woman. I want to have things I cannot have. I like the feeling of liking someone, but I don't like it when they like me back. Two days ago, I woke up panicking. I was so scared. I don't want to see him. Most people in our club know about us messaging each other, so they often tease me about it. And he definitely knows that I like him, (at least I did in the beginning). He thinks our feelings are mutual for each other. Part of me just want to do a plastic surgery, look completely different, and move as far away from him as possible. I am so afraid of commitment. I love freedom and I don't like to be tied down. I don't want to date anyone right now. In the beginning of the school year, my mind was too focused on finding a boy, but now, after calming myself, I don't know if he is a good fit for me anymore. He is more than one foot taller than me. He is definitely a good guy, but he doesn't have good postures, and is too skinny for my taste. I think it's completely my fault here, falling in love too quickly and regretting. I probably need several years to overcome my commitment phobia. My heart races so fast, and not in a good way, when I think about meeting him next semester. I don't want to crush his heart, but I also don't want to start a relationship soon. What should I do next semester? Should I tell him let's just start off as friends? Should I be mean to him or just act cold so he knows my feelings toward him? It's women like you who make me want to go gay.
preraph Posted April 8, 2016 Posted April 8, 2016 I had a chihuahua growing up on our acreage. She was positively voracious and would chase anything that would move. One day I happened to be some distance behind her when she took off chasing a bunny. Then the bunny just stopped and turned around and looked at her, and my silly chihuahua turned tail and ran back to me. You have an emotional glitch that you need to work out with a therapist. You only like then as long as they're not being too available. I don't know if you have some abandonment issues or what, like an unavailable parent. But that is an example of what can cause it. Low self-esteem can also cause it. Then you keep trying to get guys, being outgoing about it, which is fine, but it could be to prove to yourself you can and raise your own self-esteem. The danger of it is that you may latch on to someone who doesn't treat you well and holds you at arm's length like my friend did, because she's subconsciously always trying to recreate and fix her relationship with her dad. So that's why you need to go to your college psychologist or counselor and talk to them about it and see if they're willing to help or may refer you to someone if they feel it's out of their job description. This will take some insight to find out how you got that way. Like Groucho Marx famously said, "I wouldn't want to join any club that would have me."
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