Girlfriend visits OBGYN, her demeanor suddenly changes, she breaks up with me

April 7, 2016

My girlfriend broke up with me two days after Christmas.

We were together about five months. The entire time it was obvious I had the upper hand in the relationship. She was always insecure and nervous that I would lose interest in her. I assured that was not the case.

The first week of December I got sick.....VERY SICK. I assumed I'd get better in a week's time but I didn't. I was in denial that I was sick, and I tried to go on dates with her, but she sent me home. One week of illness became two weeks.....then three weeks.

I finally felt better after three weeks and was able to go with her to her company's Christmas party. She was ill at ease the entire time. I chalked that up to the fact she was giving her two-weeks notice the next day. She had a daughter. The father was a deadbeat who never paid child support and she had to take a job she didn't want but one that paid more and she needed the money for her daughter.

The next day I left the state for a week to spend time with my family for Christmas. She and I continued texting each other as we often did. Two or three days into my trip she texted me and said she was at her yearly OBGYN appointment. She wanted to know if I wanted kids. Well, when we first met online her dating profile clearly said she was open to having more kids. I felt comfortable saying yes, at least one child (I held back on saying more because she already had a daughter and she was 36-years-old).

She sent back a quick acknowledgement saying OK, and that was that. I thought nothing of it......but from that point it was obvious something was wrong. She was far less enthusiastic to talk to me. We had agreed to exchange Christmas gifts once I got back home on Dec. 27, but she texted me to say she didn't want to do that anymore. That's when I got nervous. I should have asked her then, point-blank, if something was wrong, but I didn't. I didn't want to ruin Christmas with a breakup.

On Dec. 26 I drove 500 miles back dreading what I presumed was about to happen. On the way she started texting me regularly again, as if everything were normal. I started to feel better and thought my paranoia had just gotten the best of me. We agreed to meet the next morning to spend the day together.

The next morning she texted me to say she wanted to take a break from dating......it turns out that bad feeling I had was right all along.

Her reasons — it had been so long since we'd last seen each other (BECAUSE I WAS SICK SO LONG), plus she was so exhausted from her job and raising her six-year-old daughter and she didn't know if she had the energy to date. This was a complete 180 from how she felt about me only seven days prior.

We did agree to meet at her place to exchange gifts. I told her very politely that if she didn't know what she wanted by Feb. 1 then I'd have to move on. One hour later she texted me asking that we hang out the following weekend. I purposefully decided I'd wait two full hours to respond to the text (to give myself time to think and not to appear too eager to answer).

About 30 minutes before I planned to answer she said she knew I was mad and that's why I wasn't responding. I told her that I didn't know if it was a good idea....because I thought she needed space to decide what she wanted. She said she had cold feet about us and that was what was driving her decision, but she thought she'd snap out of it and everything would be OK afterwards. Ultimately, I buckled and said I'd meet her next weekend and that we'd decide a time a little later.

She never got back with me on that. She had plenty of time to go out with a male friend of hers the following week who was around 50 years old. She tagged herself at a few public places with him. She told me before we came exclusive that she'd had a friends with benefits relationship with a man that age, although I don't know for sure he was the guy.

She texted me a few more times during January, and I politely responded. After that, she just disappeared.

My initial hunch is she went to the OBGYN and found out she couldn't or shouldn't have more kids.....and she was too afraid to tell me, so, in lieu of that, just broke up with me on the spur of the moment.

Or maybe there was another guy in the picture. I asked her if that was the case. She quickly said no, so I left it at that.

She and I haven't talked since.

Last week she posted a picture of herself on a date with another man on her Facebook page. I didn't care to see it. I unfriended her.

For a time I was afraid she found out she had an STD and that maybe I gave it to her (because OBGYN's do those type tests).

I had myself tested and I was completely clean.

Any theories as to what happened here?

A female perspective on this would help tremendously.

April 7, 2016

Maybe the 50 year old guy she started seeing wasn't as concerned about "having the upper hand", deliberately 'waiting to text back to not appear to be too eager', issuing ultimatums and

simply enjoys being with her, without all the game-playing and figuring out who's on top

and she enjoys that way of *being in a relationship* more?

That's what I got from it, anyway.

Oh, and if you're this upset about it 3+ months later, it doesn't look like you had the upper hand as much as you believed you did...nor that she was nearly as insecure about losing you as you thought.

Next time you meet a woman you like, try being a little more of yourself and little less like who/what your PUA-guru tells you to be.

Good luck, OP!

April 7, 2016

I think she's a complete nutcase. At best, she's heartless. There's just no excuse for treating someone the way she treated you. It's possible that she screwed around with the guy while you were gone and felt bad about it. Or it's possible that she went to the dr and found out she was pregnant. Instead of having the child, she opted to get an abortion.

The truth is, who knows what happened? But my guess is that it's something you wouldn't be able to forgive and she already knew that. So, instead of having to explain herself and look really bad, she ended it with you.

April 7, 2016

I think she's a complete nutcase. At best, she's heartless. There's just no excuse for treating someone the way she treated you. It's possible that she screwed around with the guy while you were gone and felt bad about it. Or it's possible that she went to the dr and found out she was pregnant. Instead of having the child, she opted to get an abortion.

The truth is, who knows what happened? But my guess is that it's something you wouldn't be able to forgive and she already knew that. So, instead of having to explain herself and look really bad, she ended it with you.

She was on birth control so we did not use condoms. I hope and pray

she wasn't pregnant because I would have wanted the child.

April 7, 2016

Five months isn't long enough to be anything...

And, if it ended after Xmas, then you met her just before the end of Summer and at the onset of major holidays (Labor Day, Thanksgiving, Xmas) - where people kinda get wrapped up in spending time with family, friends and the ability to bond gets interfered with.

So, it could be any of those things you mentioned. When I go on OLD and see that a guy's profile says he may want kids, then I go onto the next one. Why? Cuz, not sure if I want kids and not gonna waste some guy's time if he's dead set on having kids. So, it could be the kid issue, it could be STDs, it could simply be that it didn't work out.

Why not contact her and find out?

April 7, 2016

Or, yeah...what bathtub said. She's crazy, cheated on you, got pregnant and had an abortion

so you're better off without her.

That's pretty much what it typically is when a woman no longer wants to see a guy, anymore.

April 7, 2016

Maybe she is just smart, maybe she doesn't want to be with a guy who is concerned about having the 'upper hand' in the relationship. Maybe she felt you kept her insecure and not seeing her for 3 weeks was part of that. Maybe she isn't as submissive as you think.

April 7, 2016

Perhaps the "OBGYN" she claimed she saw, was actually a psychologist/therapist who advised her to dump you... for reasons other posters already mentioned (your need for upper hand, etc).

My guess is she had been very unhappy for a long time.

I know I sure would be ... feeling insecure and off balance all the time ... being with a guy like that, always needing upper hand, issuing ultimatums, what's up with that anyway?

Just a thought.

Edited April 7, 2016 by katiegrl

April 7, 2016

Maybe the 50 year old guy she started seeing wasn't as concerned about "having the upper hand", deliberately 'waiting to text back to not appear to be too eager'!

Maybe she is just smart, maybe she doesn't want to be with a guy who is concerned about having the 'upper hand' in the relationship. Maybe she felt you kept her insecure and not seeing her for 3 weeks was part of that. Maybe she isn't as submissive as you think.

Perhaps the "OBGYN" she claimed she saw, was actually a psychologist/therapist who advised her to dump you... for reasons other posters already mentioned (your need for upper hand, etc).

My guess is she had been very unhappy for a long time.

I know I sure would be ... feeling insecure and off balance all the time ... being with a guy like that, always needing upper hand, issuing ultimatums, what's up with that anyway?

Just a thought.

Healthy relationships are about equality. Nobody has, or thinks the have, the 'upper hand.'

Maybe she wanted something healthy, and this wasn't it.

Take care.

Edited April 7, 2016 by Satu

April 7, 2016

I think you're putting far too much emphasis on this OBGYN visit. You're framing that as a "riddle to be solved" to understanding the breakup. But clearly there were a lot of other factors at play here.

In fact to me it sounds not so much like the OBGYN visit was what nudged her toward a breakup, but more the extended period away from you where she had more time to think about things (and... possibly... more time to spend with this other man?)

I'd have to imagine that if either STDs or infertility came to light at the OBGYN visit, she would have communicated that to you as a justification for the breakup. Pregnancy--well, it would take a seriously cold woman to not tell you about that.

One other possible scenario is that the OBGYN emphasized to her that, at 36, if she wants another child, her time to do that is now. So that might have got her thinking more seriously about whether you were the right guy for her.

April 7, 2016

Obviously I can't answer this riddle in any definitive way, but I wonder if she had to decide whether to get another IUD implanted at the OB visit. Do you know if she had an IUD? I can't imagine why else she would need to know your feelings about future children before seeing her OB. As a woman who has already had a child, it's unlikely that she would have suddenly become infertile, nor that this could be assessed in a quick OB visit.

And then, if my wild guess is correct, I'd wonder if the whole idea of having kids with you made her reevaluate your relationship with more seriousness.

The bottom line is that she decided that she doesn't see a future for you two. It's unfortunate that she wasn't more clear about why, but you can be sure that that's where you stand. I encourage you to move on to find someone who's ecstatic to be with you every step of the way.

April 7, 2016

No, she was on the pill.

I appreciate the polite responses I've received.

As for the impolite ones....well I came here in a good faith effort to seek advice. There are more diplomatic ways to tell me that me "having the upper hand" was a poor choice of words. I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect and any attempts to say otherwise are not appreciated.

April 7, 2016

We are seasoned posters with a lot of life experience. Therefore many of us don't take for granted what we read. Someone's turn of phrase, especially regarding power over others, is noted.

April 7, 2016

One other possible scenario is that the OBGYN emphasized to her that, at 36, if she wants another child, her time to do that is now. So that might have got her thinking more seriously about whether you were the right guy for her.

That was my first thought.

That, plus the month apart, being a single parent raising her child on her own, and starting a new stressful job altogether might have made her realize that your relationship wasn’t for her.

… "having the upper hand" was a poor choice of words. I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect and any attempts to say otherwise are not appreciated.

It isn’t how you said it but that you think that way. Lots of people don’t want to be in a relationship with someone who is concerned about who has more power.

April 7, 2016

No, she was on the pill.

I appreciate the polite responses I've received.

As for the impolite ones....well I came here in a good faith effort to seek advice. There are more diplomatic ways to tell me that me "having the upper hand" was a poor choice of words. I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect and any attempts to say otherwise are not appreciated.

Well you are the one who opened that can of worms re your believing you had "upper hand".

Your own words.

So being this is an advice forum, wherein posters provide advice and opinions, we opined re that.

Not sure how more diplomatic or polite we could have been and get point across... that your believing this, and her feeling insecure and off balance as a result, played a role in the demise of your relationship.

I mean what was your point for even mentioning it? If it had no relevance in your mind.

Genuinely curious. You would have been better off leaving that entire paragraph out. Since it had no relevance in your mind. Not warranting any opinions.

In any event, my apologies if you took offense.

Edited April 7, 2016 by katiegrl

April 7, 2016

My take on it is that she was not forthcoming with her feelings, and that her thinking and decision-making were emotionally driven. The result of that is almost always going to be irrational ambivalence and changing mood and behavior from day to day, week to week.

It was some combination of her not knowing what she wanted and you not having captured her imagination enough to drive obsession to the degree necessary to maintain attachment. In other words, she flaked on you and you'll probably never know why... and neither does she.

I had several dating escapades (3-5 mos., minimal attachment) and when they ended I had my cognitive mind instruct my emotional side to just let it go and chalk it up to not such a good fit. In hindsight I think that's a pretty good strategy. It's just not productive to retrospectively analyze another person's whimsical direction changes based nothing more than feelings of the moment.

So if I were in your shoes I'd just affix the "flaky" label to her image in your mind and develop some sensitivity for flakiness to enhance your people picker.

April 7, 2016

No, she was on the pill.

I appreciate the polite responses I've received.

As for the impolite ones....well I came here in a good faith effort to seek advice. There are more diplomatic ways to tell me that me "having the upper hand" was a poor choice of words. I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect and any attempts to say otherwise are not appreciated.

Exactly,

Believe it or not, it is a "fact" that in some relationships one person may have qualities, stuff, etc. about them that puts them in a superior and/or advantageous place over the other.

IMO, taking a look at these differences doesn't mean "arrogance"...it is a necessary issue that needs addressing.

For example, in older/younger relationships of course the older person is gonna have the "upper hand", cuz they're more experienced in life, they probably even have a better job, money, etc.

On Dateline last nite, I was watching a show where this female military officer married an enlisted dude (before they tightened up the fraternization rules on officer/enlisted dating). Well, she had more money was older, was more serious. He was reckless and just wanted to party. After their first kid, the marriage started falling apart cuz they were'nt at the same level and didn't want the same things in life. Oh, and he killed her 6 months preggo with his 2nd child after he knocked up a 19 year old mistress, moved in his loser brother, and was partying while she was deployed.

So, in the OP's case, she may have backed out cuz she felt inferior in the RL...in the military I remember one guy who dumped me for this loser 21 year old and told me that he didn't feel good around me ...From then I learned a hard lesson stop dating guys who aren't at my level. When am I gonna learn that lesson. He did try to get back with me a year later, but I don't want someone who doesn't see themself as the same level as me. He was the one with the insecurities - not me.

Edited April 7, 2016 by Gloria25

April 7, 2016

Some good comments.

You don't seem to mention her daughter much.

In my case the clear thing that came up - all those years ago when I was in my late 30's and dating a woman with a child (and a deadbeat ex)- is that I wanted to have a child, but I was also very happy to be a dad to her child. Once I stated interacting with her child (3 months after dating) it was clear we (her child and I) bonded very well. So it was a win win for all involved, and then she decided to have a child with me on top of it all (late in life)

If your GF did not really see you as dad material for her own daughter, and/or she simply did not want another child and/or a father figure for her child - probably best choice for her was the 50 something FWB/FB for sex and occasional companionship and then raise her alone.

36 is kind of late for another child, but plenty of women having them up an until early 40's these days, but its huge life change to have more kids that late in life.

Just some thoughts. May not apply to your case.

Edited April 7, 2016 by dichotomy

April 7, 2016

A good relationship should not be as difficult as you describe.

I don't see that you were playing games so much as she was.

IMO, she maybe does not want any more children and that is why she is dating a 50 year old instead of an age appropriate male. Most older men likely don't want children or any more children.

In any case I agree with the other poster that said "she sounds like a nutcase"

No great loss, IMO. You can do better.

Chalk it up to experience and find someone new.

My girlfriend broke up with me two days after Christmas.

We were together about five months. The entire time it was obvious I had the upper hand in the relationship. She was always insecure and nervous that I would lose interest in her. I assured that was not the case.

The first week of December I got sick.....VERY SICK. I assumed I'd get better in a week's time but I didn't. I was in denial that I was sick, and I tried to go on dates with her, but she sent me home. One week of illness became two weeks.....then three weeks.

I finally felt better after three weeks and was able to go with her to her company's Christmas party. She was ill at ease the entire time. I chalked that up to the fact she was giving her two-weeks notice the next day. She had a daughter. The father was a deadbeat who never paid child support and she had to take a job she didn't want but one that paid more and she needed the money for her daughter.

The next day I left the state for a week to spend time with my family for Christmas. She and I continued texting each other as we often did. Two or three days into my trip she texted me and said she was at her yearly OBGYN appointment. She wanted to know if I wanted kids. Well, when we first met online her dating profile clearly said she was open to having more kids. I felt comfortable saying yes, at least one child (I held back on saying more because she already had a daughter and she was 36-years-old).

She sent back a quick acknowledgement saying OK, and that was that. I thought nothing of it......but from that point it was obvious something was wrong. She was far less enthusiastic to talk to me. We had agreed to exchange Christmas gifts once I got back home on Dec. 27, but she texted me to say she didn't want to do that anymore. That's when I got nervous. I should have asked her then, point-blank, if something was wrong, but I didn't. I didn't want to ruin Christmas with a breakup.

On Dec. 26 I drove 500 miles back dreading what I presumed was about to happen. On the way she started texting me regularly again, as if everything were normal. I started to feel better and thought my paranoia had just gotten the best of me. We agreed to meet the next morning to spend the day together.

The next morning she texted me to say she wanted to take a break from dating......it turns out that bad feeling I had was right all along.

Her reasons — it had been so long since we'd last seen each other (BECAUSE I WAS SICK SO LONG), plus she was so exhausted from her job and raising her six-year-old daughter and she didn't know if she had the energy to date. This was a complete 180 from how she felt about me only seven days prior.

We did agree to meet at her place to exchange gifts. I told her very politely that if she didn't know what she wanted by Feb. 1 then I'd have to move on. One hour later she texted me asking that we hang out the following weekend. I purposefully decided I'd wait two full hours to respond to the text (to give myself time to think and not to appear too eager to answer).

About 30 minutes before I planned to answer she said she knew I was mad and that's why I wasn't responding. I told her that I didn't know if it was a good idea....because I thought she needed space to decide what she wanted. She said she had cold feet about us and that was what was driving her decision, but she thought she'd snap out of it and everything would be OK afterwards. Ultimately, I buckled and said I'd meet her next weekend and that we'd decide a time a little later.

She never got back with me on that. She had plenty of time to go out with a male friend of hers the following week who was around 50 years old. She tagged herself at a few public places with him. She told me before we came exclusive that she'd had a friends with benefits relationship with a man that age, although I don't know for sure he was the guy.

She texted me a few more times during January, and I politely responded. After that, she just disappeared.

My initial hunch is she went to the OBGYN and found out she couldn't or shouldn't have more kids.....and she was too afraid to tell me, so, in lieu of that, just broke up with me on the spur of the moment.

Or maybe there was another guy in the picture. I asked her if that was the case. She quickly said no, so I left it at that.

She and I haven't talked since.

Last week she posted a picture of herself on a date with another man on her Facebook page. I didn't care to see it. I unfriended her.

For a time I was afraid she found out she had an STD and that maybe I gave it to her (because OBGYN's do those type tests).

I had myself tested and I was completely clean.

Any theories as to what happened here?

A female perspective on this would help tremendously.

April 7, 2016

No, she was on the pill.

I appreciate the polite responses I've received.

As for the impolite ones....well I came here in a good faith effort to seek advice. There are more diplomatic ways to tell me that me "having the upper hand" was a poor choice of words. I treated her with nothing but kindness and respect and any attempts to say otherwise are not appreciated.

I knew what you meant when you said upper hand and could tell you didn't mean that in a particularly malicious or arrogant way.

April 7, 2016

I think there is some relevance to her OBGYN appointment, otherwise why would she have specifically made a phone-call to you about it? Asking if you wanted kids.

It's very possible that she was told something there, that mad her questions the future of your relationship and whether or not she wanted kids and the health risks of having them at a certain age.

If she can't come clean and be honest with you, then there's little point in it all.

I don't know how old you are, but if you do want kids in the future, then I would advise you to look for a younger woman. At 36, by the time you got to know her well enough and have a child with her, it could be another 3 years and she's close to 40. Egg production starts declining in women, in turn affecting fertility. You don't need the stress of trying for a baby, as it will affect your relationship.

I know women have had kids in their 40's, but it' a lot harder.

Mrs T

April 7, 2016

...I don't know how old you are, but if you do want kids in the future, then I would advise you to look for a younger woman. At 36, by the time you got to know her well enough and have a child with her, it could be another 3 years and she's close to 40. Egg production starts declining in women, in turn affecting fertility. You don't need the stress of trying for a baby, as it will affect your relationship...

Actually, he'll want to go even younger.

Linking Fertility Rates and Age | Attain Fertility

"...A woman’s fertility is at its peak in her 20s. Fertility begins to decrease in a woman’s 30s, with about 40 percent of women getting pregnant in the first year. The chance of pregnancy drops to 35 percent by 35 years old..."

Oh, and human females have all the eggs they're ever gonna produce, at birth, so really there's no 'declining of egg production in women' at any age.

April 8, 2016

Caveat - I've only read the original post. Just wanted to provide comments on what struck me from that.

There were a few choice phrases used by the OP that tell me there was a power struggle going on in this relationship that was hindering real honesty.

'I knew I had the upper hand......she's insecure.' Followed later with comments like 'I purposefully waited 2 hrs to reply' etc, pepper that with the obvious feelings of tension and inner knowing this was over on behalf of the OP and I think we have the answer.

Although things seemed to be progressing on the dating front I think these two people just never created any real intimacy between them due to both with-holding and protecting themselves from potential pain and rejection. Hence the reason why she did a 180 in the space of 7 days. She had no real connection and therefore no real sense of security with the man she was dating and he had an inner knowing about this hence the reason why he also saw the breakup coming. It's not about judging the OP or assuming he was bad to her. It's just very clear that neither of them were fully invested emotionally to begin with and both had a foot out the door the whole time.

This happens very commonly in relationships, the couple fail to properly bond and then some trivial event brings the whole house of cards crashing down. I'd hazard a guess it had nothing to do with her OB appointment, she was just looking for an excuse to bolt anyway because she knew that what they lacked was a real bond. It's easy enough to stage a likely 'escape' from a relationship you know is the Titanic. I actually think that's what's happened. She's implied some plausible reason so she doesn't have to confront the fact they just won't open up fully to each other.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Buddhist

April 8, 2016

Strange behavior after visiting the OBGYN sounds to me like she found out new information at the doctor.

1. She found out she was pregnant with your baby.

2. She found out she was pregnant with someone else's baby.

3. She found out she couldn't get pregnant.

Any of those scenarios would conceivably prompt her question as to whether you want kids or not, especially considering the breakup right after.

I see no reason why other posters are jumping down your throat because you called her insecure (many people are insecure in relationships, it's just a fact) and that you had the upper hand in the relationship. It's a a good short hand barometer to understand relationship dynamics and useful information. You don't sound like a domineering jerk.

Anyway, you are probably still hurting and confused. I don't think it will be easy to get the answers you want with 100% certainty. Keep powering through it and try to move on with your life. I believe you have dodged a bullet here big time, and with time I believe you will reach that same conclusion both with your heart and mind.

April 8, 2016

Reltubsirch0412, I don't think you have enough information from her for any of us to figure out even close to what happened between the two of you that led to this "growing apart" that ended in a breakup.

After reading your first post it seemed to me a lot of the time you communicated during the period your R ended was spent texting. To me, being with someone face-to-face while communicating, (eye contact, body language, voice intonations, etc.) especially at a time in a R as this was (tapering off), is very important in order to know what's going on with the other person and also to convey one's own thoughts and feelings.

It sounds as if you really cared about this woman. To me, five months dating someone I care about, especially if intimacy was involved, is a full-blown relationship, a serious one. But, then, I'm not one for ONS or casual sex. (Don't mean that sarcastically, not pointing fingers at anyone, just explaining my perspective).

Why don't you call her and arrange a coffee date or a time you can meet up and do something conducive to having a conversation face-to-face?

Edited April 8, 2016 by LivingWaterPlease

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Girlfriend visits OBGYN, her demeanor suddenly changes, she breaks up with me

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