Broken up with twice in one month by the same person

[mcandi]

I'm new here and I think I need some perspective on my recent breakup. I know it's going to be long but anyone with some patience could make the world of difference to me right now.

 

I met my ex nine months ago through Tinder. We had some issues a couple of months in because of my past relationship with an emotionally abusive guy. I didn't realize they were issues until I started dating and certain things would trigger reactions in me that he didn't like. I feel like we eventually came to overcome these things but we still had problems getting into arguments over tiny things.

 

He has problems communicating anything, good or bad and would wait until things were nearly past the point of fixing them to let me know if there was a problem. I found that frustrating as I have no problems communicating anything. It felt like when we were tense with each other, it was hard to understand each other but once things were calm again, we both got it.

 

Anyway, about eight months after a great night out we were laying in bed and he told me that he just didn't feel the same about me as he used to. I was thrown way off as it felt out of the blue for me. To make a long story short, he told me that this usually happens around this time in a relationship for with him or the other person. He also said that I had a younger personality. He told me that he hadn't been ready to talk about any of this but because he had been brought up, he was done with us.

 

Three days later he contacted me telling me he had been thinking about me all weekend. I replied and we talked through text until he told me that he wished that he had brought up his feelings and handled it in a way that still had is being together. He told me that he was developing strong feelings for me and had wanted to take a step back and that he didn't know how to handle his emotions well. We eventually spoke on the phone and he told me that it felt like he had lost a family member or best friend and that it just felt like something was missing. Long story short we got back together.

 

Things were okay. At times really good but because of what happened I was having a hard time trusting his feelings for me and was afraid of him just changing his mind about us. I was feeling insecure and unsure at times. When I would bring this up to him he said he just wished things to go back to the way they were. He would seem annoyed or frustrated to talk about my concerns and didn't even really put in any extra effort to reassure that he did really want to be with me. I was full of anxiety and I think I started to overcompensate for his lack of effort to get past what happened. I probably brought it up more often than needed but I felt like because of the way he reacted to it, I would stop before anything was resolved.

 

Last Sunday he came over and we had a pretty good argument. I told him that I didn't think I was getting what I needed concerning that situation, not in general and he got upset that we were talking about it again. He mentioned how he was just going with the flow, something he always says, and I asked him when does going with the flow end and the start of working on soemthing more serious start? I mean, relationships take work and we had a issue to overcome that he created and I felt like I was doing all the work trying to fix things.

 

Anyway, two days after that I suggested getting together. He invited me over to his place, forty minutes away. As soon as I walked in the door I could tell something was off. He normally greets me with a kiss and he didn't. He stayed back and sat down with his arms crossed leaning away from me. I had to push him to tell me what was up because he kept saying nothing was up but his actions were creating a weird atmosphere for us. It was making me uncomfortable. Finally he told me that he didn't feel comfortable around me anymore. That he felt like I had backed him into an emotional corner and he didn't like the way it felt. He said that I had basically told him that he just doesn't cut it. I tried to explain that the feelings I was talking about a couple days ago were very specific to how I was feeling about us breaking up before. That I don't feel that way all the time. He usually makes me very happy but sometimes I just needed that extra reassurance from him.

 

He went on to say that he couldn't give me what I needed. That I was into the relationship more than him and that he could have gone another week without seeing me and been fine. He said that he doesn't feel the way about me that he things he should at this point in our relationship. More words were exchanged but that's the main part of it. I walked away and drove the forty mins back home feeling like a moron.

 

I guess the biggest thing I don't get is how do you go from feeling like you lair a best friend and having strong feelings for someone to I'm just not that into it anymore after only a month? The month after getting back together wasn't too bad in my opinion. We had fun and were able to be normal with each other like we were before except for the handful of times I brought up my feelings of being unsure about how he felt and for one week of that month he was away on business and things were fine while he was gone.

 

I'm just so confused and anyone I talk to about it just tells me he's an ******* or whatever and that doesn't help me to look at the relationship in a healing way. Right now I just feel like I did everything wrong and should have keep my mouth shut about how I felt. I feel like I pushed him away and have so many regrets but at the same time I also don't feel that I should. I'm confused beyond confused and any views that could shed some light would be greatly appreciated as it could be right in front of my face but because I'm so "stuck" in it, I can't see it.

 

Tl;dr

 

Dating for eight months. He broke up with me because he didn't feel the same way as he used to. Three days later told me he felt like he had lost a best friend or family member and felt like something was missing. Said that he was probably scared of the strong feelings that he was developing and that he didn't handle his feelings well. For the month back together there were ups and downs, one down being two days before he broke up with me. We had an argument about trust issues due to our previous break up. Fast forward to a month later, he breaks up with me again because he's just not into it anymore. He felt like I had backed him into an emotional corner and he didn't like the way he felt. He said that I had basically said that he just wasn't cutting it for me and even with me trying to explain that that wasn't the case, he still wanted to end it. He feels like he should feel differently about me at this point in our relationship and that I'm into it more than him and he can't give me what I need when all I needed from him was a little extra effort since getting back together to help me feel more at ease and to be able to trust his feelings for me again.

 

I just need some perspective on what the hell happened in the last month that made his feelings go from what he said they were when he wanted to get back together to "I'm just not into anymore".

Edited April 7, 2016 by mcandi

[preraph]

I think he may have a fear of commitment. He told you he kind of got scared. That's not really unusual. You get feelings but you're not ready for obligation and responsibility. It happens to people, or can, right up until when they finally get he urge to settle down -- and that never happens to a lot of people.

 

Then once you had to start talking about all this, he felt criticized, through no fault of your own. You get to tell him what's not working for you. He isn't good enough or comfortable enough to stick it out and really communicate well, because that's all part of obligation and he'd rather not take on obligation, which isn't good. So he says he'd be just fine seeing you once a week (guess what for!) Because that is his comfort zone. No obligation or reciprocation. He gets scared when it gets real. He might flip a switch when he approaches 30 is he's still young, but if he's past 30 and still like this, not a good sign he's going to grow into good partner material.

 

I doubt he'd like you to be dating other men. In fact, there's some guys that only end up marrying to keep another man from getting you. If this thing about him being okay with once a week comes up again, why not counter it with, "Okay. Well, so you want me to date other people?"

Edited April 7, 2016 by preraph

[mcandi]

He doesn't want to see me once a week. He has completely ended it. He had said that he could have gone another week without seeing me and been fine as the week prior he was gone for work and we didn't see each other. He was basically saying he could have just continued on from that week of not seeing each other and it would have made no difference to him.

 

It's so confusing to have someone tell you that you are something special to them and make me feel like he felt enough for me to not walk away from to do just that only a month later, saying he just wasn't into it. It's tough for me to wrap my mind around.

[mcandi]

We had texted back and forth for a day after we broke up because I just couldn't understand what happened and couldn't believe it was happening again so soon after the first time.

 

He has told me that I deserve better, way better. That his confusing and mixed emotions weren't healthy for me or the relationship. He said that he couldn't understand them himself, so how could I? He said it wasn't an issue of me not being good enough for him, that I was more than good enough, too good in fact but that he couldn't give me what I needed right now. That he cares about me and always will. Blah blah blah.

 

He never replied to anything I sent about how things could change so quickly for him. I feel like he was just blowing smoke up my ass to try and make me feel better about being dumped, again.

 

I just can't help but feel like I screwed everything up in the last month but I'm not even sure how. Like I made his feelings change that fast by trying to talk about our problem. It's like he didn't think dumping me was a big deal. Like I should have just welcomed him back with open arms and completely trusted that he still cared just because he said so. Moved on and blindly trusted that everything he said was true with no real action behind it to back it up. He acted the same as he did before we broke up but after the breakup, I feel like there should have been some sort of extra effort on his part to show me that what he said was true. I don't know. This whole situation confuses me.

Edited April 7, 2016 by mcandi

[mcandi]

Anyone? I have been driving myself crazy thinking about all of this

[Satu]

He sounds a bit 'dim.' Someone who doesn't understand himself, life, or you.

 

I wouldn't waste any more time on him.

[PegNosePete]

Sorry to say, the fact is, this relationship is over. He has made that quite clear. Now you can debate the how's and why's and wherefore's until the cows come home, but that will not change the fact that he doesn't want to be in a relationship with you any more.

 

Now what you need to do is to go NC with him and begin the process of moving on.

[Zahara]

It's so confusing to have someone tell you that you are something special to them and make me feel like he felt enough for me to not walk away from to do just that only a month later, saying he just wasn't into it. It's tough for me to wrap my mind around.

 

It's not actually -- their feelings are shallow. When he's telling you that you're special -- don't project what that means to you on him because to him, it may not have equal depth. That is why it's so easy to go from A to Z. Those emotions he feels aren't deep and mature enough to sustain. So it's easy to flip from this to that -- there's no real commitment to you or his emotions. And most times, it's just words.

 

Stay NC. If anything, he'll likely buzz around again at some point when he's bored or needing attention or feeling "emotional". Don't let him back in because he'll drag you again for round three.

Edited April 8, 2016 by Zahara

[mightycpa]

We had some issues a couple of months in because of my past relationship with an emotionally abusive guy. I didn't realize they were issues until I started dating and certain things would trigger reactions in me that he didn't like. I feel like we eventually came to overcome these things but we still had problems getting into arguments over tiny things.

 

He has problems communicating anything, good or bad and would wait until things were nearly past the point of fixing them to let me know if there was a problem. I found that frustrating as I have no problems communicating anything. It felt like when we were tense with each other, it was hard to understand each other but once things were calm again, we both got it.

Have you ever thought that instead of you having "issues" because of past relationships, that there's just stuff you don't like, and you hang on too long, even though you see these things in a guy?

[elaine567]

It's so confusing to have someone tell you that you are something special to them and make me feel like he felt enough for me to not walk away from to do just that only a month later, saying he just wasn't into it. It's tough for me to wrap my mind around.

 

Its because feelings and "love" can turn on a sixpence, they are NOT never ending.

Relationships have a time frame, we hope that time frame will be long if we love that person, but sometimes the other person has other ideas.

 

Your man split up with you the first time as he just lost that loving feeling, he tried to get it back in that month when you got together again, but he just couldn't get it back.

The "strong feelings" he had after he split up with you the first time, were most likely just based on the panic of losing you and worry about what he was actually doing.

One month later in reconciliation he realised he was right the first time and he didn't need you after all, so he splits up with you again.