Lesbian but I like a man?

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Alright Loveshack. I came here more than two months ago because I was devastated over my ex-girlfriend breaking up with me. I was desperately seeking answers and didn't know where else to turn and stumbled upon this community. I never thought I'd be coming back here for love advice, MUCH LESS love advice about a guy.

 

But here I am. I have identified as exclusively lesbian for six years. I have had three, 1+ year committed relationships with women in that time plus multiple other shorter relationships and flings with women. I haven't liked a guy or even actively dated one in more than seven years, so imagine my surprise these last few weeks when I've found myself wildly crushing on one.

 

That in and of itself is a topic I'm partly avoiding and partly wanting to explore. I'm not sure what I am anymore, but I like him so much that it doesn't really freak me out. The hard part will be that if anything ever comes of my crush, I have the burden of explaining to all the people I painstakingly spent half a decade coming out to that I'm still gay, but with a guy. Or something like that. Anyway, that's a bridge to cross if and when I get there.

 

So this guy. He's in a local cover band that's pretty popular and plays frequently in town. There are 10 or 11 people in the band and most of them are studio musicians, have other musical projects on the side, teach lessons, or have regular/unrelated jobs. There are a few "fan favorites" in the band whom the audience always chant and cheer for, but this guy (I'll call him Dave) isn't one of them. He's the backbone of the band, plays more instruments than anyone else, but sort of stays in the background. A few years ago I started going to almost all of their shows because I really dig them. They play maybe 10 or 15 shows in town a year. Last summer, Dave messaged me on Facebook (I had previously never spoken to him) and he said that since I seemed to enjoy their shows so much and took the best videos (that I posted on Instagram), he had talked to their booking agent and they were adding me to their guest list for the rest of the year.

 

We exchanged messages intermittently for the rest of 2015, mostly about the shows, the crowds, the setlists, etc. He would message me to remind me that he added me to the guest list before each show. When the New Year came, he messaged me again to say that none of his friends really wanted to come to the cover band shows anymore, so he always had spots on his portion of the guest list and he would automatically add me from here on out. Their shows are anywhere from $15 to $75, depending on if it's a holiday, the size of the venue, and if you buy early tickets or not, so he's really saving me a ton of money.

 

Not long after this, I went through my breakup. It was my turn to message him back but I didn't for a few weeks because I could hardly function so when I finally did, I explained that I had been dumped and apologized for it taking me so long to reply. That sparked us talking about more than just the shows.

 

We have exchanged messages about music in general, the other bands/projects he's in, college, jobs, etc. I told him I felt silly going to their shows alone and hoped he didn't think I was weird. He told me he never once thought I was weird but that he considers it brave to do things alone. He also said "don't worry about going without a date. In fact, you'll probably get hit on a lot, if I had to guess."

 

From summer of 2015 until a few weeks ago, we had only conversed over Facebook messenger and he always smiled and waved from the stage at the shows. But a couple weeks ago I saw that one of his original bands was playing a (much smaller) show and I decided to go. I ran into him outside beforehand and he seemed elated to meet me. He asked if he could hug me and said how good it was to finally meet me in person. After the show I saw him again as I was leaving and we talked a bit and he asked to hug me again before I left. The next day he messaged me to say how great it was to finally meet me and get to hug me and he hoped I had a great time.

 

This past weekend they had another show I went to. The day before I had sort of geeked out on some of his other projects and ordered their vinyl records from the websites he had provided me. I messaged him and told him he could bring me the records at the show if that was easier than shipping them. He said he would, and to flag him down on stage if I had to leave early. After the show, he came off the stage and jumped the barricade to talk to me. The cover band shows draw a big crowd, 400 or 500 people, and there were lots of people around that looked surprised that he came to give me something. I felt special! He asked again if he could hug me and handed me the package and then we parted ways.

 

The next day he messaged me and said he forgot to tell me he included another record in the box (I had only purchased two and he gave me three). He said it was a special colored pressing and he "thought I'd like that." Then he said it's always nice to see me and he should type more but he was exhausted and felt pretty worthless at the moment.

 

That was this past Sunday evening and I haven't heard from him since. I don't want to get my heart too involved for a number of reasons: I did just go through a bad breakup 2.5 months ago and he may just be being nice. But I am starting to crush pretty hard on him. I don't know what to do - wait a bit longer for him to message me since I was the last one to message him, or should I try and strike up another conversation? It's not unusual for there to be days or even weeks between our messages since we started talking last summer, it's just that now that I am crushing on him the past three days have felt very long, hahah.

 

So basically, does it sound like he's interested? And if so, should I message him or wait or...? It's been so long since I was in a hetero relationship that I am confused as to whether I play the "girl" role and wait on him or if I just sort of lay it out there that I am interested and see where it goes. In theory that could be totally casual but of course my insecurities make me fear that would ruin the cool friendship we have going.

 

EDIT: A couple things to add - he doesn't seem like a flirtatious ladies man or anything. He seems kind of shy even though he's a great performer. He doesn't have a twitter or instagram and only has about 200 friends on Facebook. He's talked more to me in messages than he's posted on Facebook for the past two years (yes, I've done a little stalking, but there isn't much there so it didn't take long).

 

Also, I am slightly concerned that he may think I'm gay and not want to make any sort of move. He only knows that I had a girlfriend, I've never explicitly said I was gay or anything to that effect, but I still wonder if that's cause for me to be a little braver/bolder.

Edited April 6, 2016 by blackbird_brokenwing

[preraph]

Sounds like he likes you. Of course, guys in bands, especially local bands, are always pretty grateful for their fans. But he sounds nice. Whatever you've been doing seems to be working. I'd just be nice and smiley and dress to whatever your best level of femininity is and let him make any more moves. But I mean, you can always go to gigs, invited or not. Good luck!

 

Sometimes when attraction is there, anything goes. A certain "Ms. Oklahoma," a very good looking man, once had a bunch of chemistry with me. Only the fact that we both loved our mutual acquaintance kept us off each other.

[blackbird_brokenwing]

Thanks for the reply! I think it's a great idea to go to his shows, but the next one I know for sure isn't until the end of May. There will probably be something before then with one of his projects, but I have no idea when.

 

The thing I worry about most is that I've been super casual, almost purposely showing disinterest, up until the last few weeks just so he wouldn't think I was weird. I made a point to mention I was dating someone, then a point to say it was a girl, and when I'm at his shows I try not to look at him too much. I always did this so he wouldn't think I was trying to be a crazy groupie (even though he approached me first and almost always initiated the messages) but now that I've developed a crush I am regretting some of my former actions and wondering if I need to actively counter this instead of just responding to him.

 

I guess I just need to be patient, huh...

[preraph]

Next time you get a chance to talk to him, tell him you have recently discovered that you are fluid. haha.