soul2soul Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 My partner of 10 years broke up with me in September after a woman started working in the canteen at his work showed and interest in him. I am 45 and he is 40, we have owned a house together for five years and prior to that we lived in my flat for 4.5 years. We had been going through a bad patch as I am going though the menopause and have found it extremely difficult to cope. I have always let him have his freedom and have never been a clingy girlfriend and I think he sometimes abused my kind nature by just pleasing himself. Anyways, within three weeks of her working there we were over. Eventually he told me there was someone else but nothing happened while we were together. I was devastated, although we had lots of ups and down and over the years I tried to leave on countless occasions, he always persuaded me to stay and that we were meant to be together. I suppose I just made idle threats so that he would buck up his ideas. We had a really strong bond and I suppose 10 years is a long time to just forget. I asked him to move out when he told me about her and he did. He would come round every other week to get stuff and I could see he still loved me and I think it was hurting him that I was trying to move on. Apparently he had moved in with her and then when he found out she lived in her Exe house he then shared a flat with a friend. She is 24 and is the complete opposite of me, age being the first and she is a loudmouth brash and makes out she is confident but I see a very insecure person with very low self esteem, she is a social media fanatic and posts selfies most often. I made sure I was unavailable to him when he wanted to come round and he would always wait until I said I'd be in, I do believe this made me attractive again. After five weeks of him moving out he came round and we really talked, lots of tears and I feel we really connected, he apologised profusely and said he had wished we'd just taken a break. I text him after this and said he needed to get rid of her if we were ever to be reconnected. He turned up at my door the following evening in tears and apologised again and I held him in my arms and we talked all night. He told me it was always me and he wasn't serious about her and I really feel deep down this was genuine as I knew that she didn't seem to have much substance to her - or perhaps I was in denial. I do know he had been very disrespectful to her on occasions as people I know had seen them out together. Not the basis for a loving relationship. He stayed over and we talked about fixing the situation. He ended it with her and we tried to make it work but I had turned into this weak, vulnerable clingy person and had suffered extreme weigh loss due to the whole situation and I believe he could not handle the fact he had caused so much damage. I could feel him pulling away from me and after a month he didn't want to have sex with me, this was the first time ever he had pulled away from me and this sent me into panic mode even more and I was tearful and questioning him if he really wanted this. He said he didn't know how he felt. I couldn't believe This was happening and started to blame myself when in fact he should have been more understanding and wasn't giving me any reason to feel safe. I know deep down I was stupid to think it would be a bed of roses and he has absolutely messed me about. She was definitely still out of the picture. Fast forward to February and he was going out a lot, ignoring my texts and I felt he was worse than the person he was before. I couldnt believe I was putting up with such disgusting behaviour and I started to question my own self esteem and abandonment issues and that is why I'm writing this. I ended it and he said he felt it was for the best, however I had an operation which meant I was immobile for four weeks and he agreed to stay and look after me. Those four weeks were so peaceful and we got on really well and I wished we could work it out but knew I would get kicked again and there was no point in forcing something that wasn't there. We kissed good night every night and said I love yous but at times I wondered if this was just a forced habit. At the beginning of March he was away to get paid off from his current job and I emailed his cv to two companies that are about 150 miles from here. His job is specialised in the oil industry so he needs to go where the work is. Shockingly he got a start almost immediately. He went to stay with his parents as the job is near them and I heard from him the first few days and then nothing. I text and asked if I was out of sight out of mind and he said it felt weird contacting me as we are finished. I have since found out the 24 year old spent last weekend with him. I am so upset about this, how could he put the knife in me again. We spoke last night and he said they started talking when he left and they weren't in contact when we were together. I asked if he thinks she's the one and he said she could be. I was really upset and crying and he too and said he was sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. We are going to sell the house but I am left here to decorate it before we can do that. It seems he just ran away and hopes that I am going to take of everything. I know I should know better but it's extremely hard to try and move on from this when I am living here with every memory of our relationship. I have thrown out his toiletries but all his clothes are here and other things. I was doing really well until I heard she was back on the scene but now I feel I am a nervous wreck again, I'm crying constantly as I can't understand what I done to warrant such horrible behaviour to me. I'm sure I must have abandonment issues but I don't know where to start. I want to work on me but I feel so lost and helpless. I don't have many friends as they all live away from here. I really do miss him and I am hoping that she is a rebound or replacement but I would like to work on myself so that I don't have any issues in my next relationship. Ideally I wish we could be apart for a few years and then see how we feel but I know I may be in denial. I do believe he loves me but it's more emotional than sexual. I would really appreciate some advice as I am at a loss. Why can I not let go of such a horrible person? 2
d0nnivain Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 You can't let go because you have had health issues to deal with & he was kind during that. You also are forced into the role of the adult who has to deal with the house. You are walking around a space that reminds you of him. Once you are out of that house, things should get easier with the passage of time. Can you get family or friends to help you with the sale to ease your burden? 2
Author soul2soul Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 You can't let go because you have had health issues to deal with & he was kind during that. You also are forced into the role of the adult who has to deal with the house. You are walking around a space that reminds you of him. Once you are out of that house, things should get easier with the passage of time. Can you get family or friends to help you with the sale to ease your burden? My mum is too old to help but she has offered. I'm reluctant to ask my sister and the friends I do have as they see it as his responsibility. I have a decorator coming in three weeks to do one room which he is paying for, as he says he can't take time off to travel here. I need the front and back stairs painted also. I would like to leave asap as everywhere I look it's "us". I do have a plan to move away from here so I am being proactive but just feel stuck. 1
TaraMaiden2 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Get a lawyer to send him a letter, stating that the house will be sold, and the proceeds will be split 50-50 but he will receive a sum, less half the amount of the costs incurred to decorate and make the place presentable. Keep every single receipt and/or invoice marked 'paid in full' in order to prove the costs he will have to fork out money for. 3
Satu Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Get a lawyer to send him a letter, stating that the house will be sold, and the proceeds will be split 50-50 but he will receive a sum, less half the amount of the costs incurred to decorate and make the place presentable. Keep every single receipt and/or invoice marked 'paid in full' in order to prove the costs he will have to fork out money for. ^This^ Exactly this. 1
Author soul2soul Posted April 6, 2016 Author Posted April 6, 2016 ^This^ Exactly this. Thank you, i do have an appointment with a lawyer next week. It's nit the road I want to go down but this is hindering my healing. 1
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