Nova1969 Posted April 6, 2016 Posted April 6, 2016 Need some advice: My ex and I have had an on again, off again relationship for 3.5 years. Both sides have broken it off and both sides have come back to each other. Friendship in between which drove the escalation back towards each other. We have some issues that have prevented us from actually sealing the deal and starting something. 1. On her side, she is recently divorced, digested it, life is good again and she doesn’t want anything too serious . . . yet. 2. On my side, there would be some relocation to bring us together. Major life changes for myself that I just haven’t been able to commit to. We broke it off again in February 2016. Decided to be friends and see if our situations would align in time. She started dating. Said it was just casual. It hurt but I knew in my heart of hearts she still had feelings for me. She said as much and that if changes were made we could have a conversation about us. I played it cool and acted like it didn’t bother me that much. Last weekend, I traveled to a friend’s 30th birthday party. She showed up with her date. Seeing them physically together sent all kinds of feelings through me . . . That she was over me . . . That she had moved on and I was too late. I was upset, but met the guy and started nothing. My ex and I talk every single day. All day. We have for 3.5 years. Since the party we didn’t talk for two days because it was slightly awkward and she could tell it bothered me. She called me a couple of nights ago and we talked about it. She said the relationship wasn’t too serious but she didn’t want anything complicated and that she enjoyed his company and was just seeing where it would take her and that it could lead to a relationship. She reiterated that she still had feelings for me and that if the situation changed that we could have “the discussion” and that for now we should maintain our current situation of being friends and texting and staying in each other’s lives. In the heat of the moment, I told her I thought it would be too hard for me to know in the back of my mind that a relationship was brewing and that somebody was getting the best of her. I told her I don’t think it would be a good idea to be friends. We stopped talking. I know her. If I ask her not to contact me, she won’t. I am sure she will miss both our friendship and our quasi-relationship and does in some way want to be with me ultimately. I do believe that it would be hard for me and it would lead to fights eventually. I don’t think I can play it cool for that long knowing. I am still working on the changes because I love her and want to be with her. My question is, should I stick to my guns and ask her not to contact me? In my heart of hearts, I said no contact because I was hoping that she would realize what she lost if I dropped out of her life and eventually, in time, she would contact me to maintain something. No contact is for healing and moving on and I don’t want to move on. I still love her. Should I contact her and tell her that in the heat of the moment I said don’t contact me but now I realize I don’t want to slam the door on us? What level of contact should I try to maintain if I don’t want her out of my life and hope to get back together in the future? We have only not been speaking for two days. It is not fatal damage at this point. I know that if I said I did still want to be friends, we would eventually get back to some form of friendship and we could maintain. The options are: 1. Stick to my guns, no contact, make the changes in my life and try to rekindle something down the line all while having no contact. I am concerned that like 1-3 months of no contact would kill everything but I have heard that isn’t really too long. 2. Stay in no contact and hope she starts to miss me after sometime and reaches out to me and then we could try to maintain a friendship and take it from there. 3. Double-back on what I said, say that I don’t want to slam the door on us, maintain some form of a relationship (there would have to be some chasing on my part), hope the relationship doesn’t turn serious, work on my issues and then hopefully finally be together. 4. Has anyone went no contact for 1-3 months and then reached out and friendship/romance was rekindled? Thoughts?
AlexDream Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Need some advice: My ex and I have had an on again, off again relationship for 3.5 years. Both sides have broken it off and both sides have come back to each other. Friendship in between which drove the escalation back towards each other. We have some issues that have prevented us from actually sealing the deal and starting something. 1. On her side, she is recently divorced, digested it, life is good again and she doesn’t want anything too serious . . . yet. 2. On my side, there would be some relocation to bring us together. Major life changes for myself that I just haven’t been able to commit to. We broke it off again in February 2016. Decided to be friends and see if our situations would align in time. She started dating. Said it was just casual. It hurt but I knew in my heart of hearts she still had feelings for me. She said as much and that if changes were made we could have a conversation about us. I played it cool and acted like it didn’t bother me that much. Last weekend, I traveled to a friend’s 30th birthday party. She showed up with her date. Seeing them physically together sent all kinds of feelings through me . . . That she was over me . . . That she had moved on and I was too late. I was upset, but met the guy and started nothing. My ex and I talk every single day. All day. We have for 3.5 years. Since the party we didn’t talk for two days because it was slightly awkward and she could tell it bothered me. She called me a couple of nights ago and we talked about it. She said the relationship wasn’t too serious but she didn’t want anything complicated and that she enjoyed his company and was just seeing where it would take her and that it could lead to a relationship. She reiterated that she still had feelings for me and that if the situation changed that we could have “the discussion” and that for now we should maintain our current situation of being friends and texting and staying in each other’s lives. In the heat of the moment, I told her I thought it would be too hard for me to know in the back of my mind that a relationship was brewing and that somebody was getting the best of her. I told her I don’t think it would be a good idea to be friends. We stopped talking. I know her. If I ask her not to contact me, she won’t. I am sure she will miss both our friendship and our quasi-relationship and does in some way want to be with me ultimately. I do believe that it would be hard for me and it would lead to fights eventually. I don’t think I can play it cool for that long knowing. I am still working on the changes because I love her and want to be with her. My question is, should I stick to my guns and ask her not to contact me? In my heart of hearts, I said no contact because I was hoping that she would realize what she lost if I dropped out of her life and eventually, in time, she would contact me to maintain something. No contact is for healing and moving on and I don’t want to move on. I still love her. Should I contact her and tell her that in the heat of the moment I said don’t contact me but now I realize I don’t want to slam the door on us? What level of contact should I try to maintain if I don’t want her out of my life and hope to get back together in the future? We have only not been speaking for two days. It is not fatal damage at this point. I know that if I said I did still want to be friends, we would eventually get back to some form of friendship and we could maintain. The options are: 1. Stick to my guns, no contact, make the changes in my life and try to rekindle something down the line all while having no contact. I am concerned that like 1-3 months of no contact would kill everything but I have heard that isn’t really too long. 2. Stay in no contact and hope she starts to miss me after sometime and reaches out to me and then we could try to maintain a friendship and take it from there. 3. Double-back on what I said, say that I don’t want to slam the door on us, maintain some form of a relationship (there would have to be some chasing on my part), hope the relationship doesn’t turn serious, work on my issues and then hopefully finally be together. 4. Has anyone went no contact for 1-3 months and then reached out and friendship/romance was rekindled? Thoughts? Well, first of all - relax. Now time is playing on your side. The reason of your issue is that you've been just a friend for her. Now you should change yourself, change your mind. Stop discussing your never-existed-relationships. Don't dramatize. Nothing happened - both of you were just friends! Forget about your love to her. You can remember it only when you are in her bed and both of you are naked. Not earlier! Now: enjoy your life, hang out with your friends, be as positive as you can. Go to a gym, improve yourself. She must see that you are not longer the same 'friend' she knew. Go.
smudge21 Posted April 7, 2016 Posted April 7, 2016 Sorry bit lost on this one - do you want to be her friend or her lover? You clearly still have very strong feelings for her so I reckon being her "mate" will only end up with you hurting more and more each day. She doesn't want you as a lover, but seems okay with having you around as a friend. Sounds like someone wants her cake and to eat it too. Plus she's off playing the dating game and having possibly full on relationships with other men. I know first hand how cruel and painful it can be to still love someone who doesn't feel the same way. You think that accepting that breadcrumb of a friendship will not only keep them close but also lead to something better. However, that's normally not the case. The fact remains, if she wanted a relationship with you, then you would have one. Plus when you accept the friendship you simply tell her that you're okay with the way things are, you're happy and you're happy for her to carry on living her life, seeing other people. You also got to think about you most of all. What is best for you! Not her, but you and you alone. She's moved on, she clearly isn't hurting or upset, she's off dating others and having a great time. Where are you right now? Right here feeling low wondering what the hell to do. You have to decide what you want to do, but weigh up everything and make that decision knowing it was the right one at the time. I truly do think you're heading for more pain should you keep her in your life as just a friend and many on here will tell you to go no contact and move on. You're right, maybe she will miss you, but often it's more that they miss the ego boost they get from having someone chase them and agree to their demands. The fact is, you just let go, move on, go heal, work on yourself and if she does come back, does show interest, you are then in a better frame of mind (and heart) to judge the situation better and decide what is best for you.
Recommended Posts