Good sex, awkward kissing, weird chemistry, and down goes the ship

[anderZ]

Ok, so Ive been seeing this girl for the last few weeks. I wrote a thread about our first hook up a couple weeks back. Like others and myself had kinda surmised, things seem to be starting to run their course. I’m ok with that, but also not ok with that. Why? Because I just hate not understanding situations Im in.

 

Me and this girl get along well…and the sex itself is good…but there’s something missing. From the get-go she hasn’t been too affectionate or kissy. She has awkward ways of showing affection…like little pushes…or holding my hands for a few seconds before letting go. Also she’s not much into making out, hello kisses, or goodbye kisses.(Im used to even flings enjoying all that) Ive had casual flings in the past, and this is the first girl who doesn’t even kiss much during sex.

 

 

She rocks her body the right way….she grabs me, moves with me, and runs her hands across my body perfectly. The way our bodies mesh in bed is some of the best Ive had…but the lack of kissing and even eye contact in bed always gave me the sense that she wasn’t that into me. Honestly, if we clicked when it came to our lip locks, I could put her up there with some of the best sex Ive had.

 

 

 

But the lack of decent kissing, and avoidance of eye contact while we have sex is just strange to me. Ive never experienced that with anyone based on all my recollection. Even girls who I knew for a fact only barely liked me, didnt get me so confused about this stuff.

 

 

But the thing is, we’ve been sleeping together the last 3 weekends. This past weekend we laid together and she had her legs wrapped around me at one point while she slept. And she was a lot more touchy than she normally is. In my head, Im thinking “if she wasn’t enjoying what we do at all…couldn’t she have bailed the first time we had sex? Couldn’t she not have spent the night with me?”

 

I really don’t get it. Ive slept with girls in the past that I didn’t have the most amazing chemistry with, or who I wasn’t that into….but even with those girls were into kissing, affection, and enjoying the experience. This girl Im seeing now just throws me off. And I even asked her the other day if I was too kissy for her…and she said its not me…but she’s awkward like she told me…and that she used to like that stuff but feels like shes changed somehow.

 

 

Im just chalking it up to a girl not really being into me. But I wanted to see if other girls have treated a guy this way.

 

Like I said, this wouldn’t bother me if I could simply say to myself “ok, shes not into me, theres no chemistry at all…lets chalk this up as a loss”. But Im telling you, its kind of a mind-fudge to have your body be so in tune with someone in bed, but still lack passionate kissing and some of the nice affectionate aspects in and out of bed.

[Emilia]

You seem to be reading a lot into things after 3 weekends of sex. Homestly, you seem quite insecure.

[anderZ]

You seem to be reading a lot into things after 3 weekends of sex. Homestly, you seem quite insecure.

Well we have had good dates. And I do like her a bit. So yeah, maybe a tad insecure. I normally don't care this much. But being unable to read this girl well had thrown me for a loop.

[central]

She may like you just fine, but isn't the type to want or need as much emotional intimacy as you'd prefer. Her love language is different than yours, at least, but once you understand what she needs in a relationship - and vice versa - you may be able to resolve this. I'm not a big fan of this particular theory (the five love languages), but it may apply here.

 

 

An alternative is that she may have mild Asperger's, and has trouble connecting emotionally.

[smudge21]

I'd go with the flow and see if things improve... what have you got to lose right now? It's only been a few weeks and I have milk in my fridge older than that (I should really do something about that).

[anderZ]

I'd go with the flow and see if things improve... what have you got to lose right now? It's only been a few weeks and I have milk in my fridge older than that (I should really do something about that).

I guess. I just don't wanna waste time and potentially get attached or more feelings for someone who I shouldn't.

[jen1447]

Bad or no kissing mojo is a dire sign for longevity. I don't think a happy relationship has ever come out of two ppl who don't enjoy kissing each other.

[Eternal Sunshine]

Kissing is more intimate than sex. I have only enjoyed kissing with a handful of men and it's with those that I have felt strong physical and emotional chemistry. Sex is actually less intimate and if she knows a few moves, she can do them on autopilot. It's a lot harder to fake eye contact and kissing.

 

As for why she is with you? Many, many women want the companionship and safety of being in a relationship even if they don't feel a real chemistry and excitement.

 

 

I don't know what the future holds but at this point in time she is probably "meh" about you.

[smudge21]

I guess. I just don't wanna waste time and potentially get attached or more feelings for someone who I shouldn't.

 

 

Have you talked to her about how you feel? Asked her why she doesn't kiss or show that level of intimacy/passion with you, in and out of the bedroom?

[anderZ]

Kissing is more intimate than sex. I have only enjoyed kissing with a handful of men and it's with those that I have felt strong physical and emotional chemistry. Sex is actually less intimate and if she knows a few moves, she can do them on autopilot. It's a lot harder to fake eye contact and kissing.

 

As for why she is with you? Many, many women want the companionship and safety of being in a relationship even if they don't feel a real chemistry and excitement.

 

 

I don't know what the future holds but at this point in time she is probably "meh" about you.

Sounds very true.

 

But it still makes me think"why couldn't she go be meh about someone else?" It's not like this girl doesn't have options, so it does bug me that I was chosen.

 

And like I said before, this is the first time I've had a girl act so lackluster about kissing and eye contact. Even girls who I didn't like much or who didn't like me much would kiss better or I could look them in the eye during sex. Hence why this all seemed so odd to me at first.

 

I'm just gonna not pursue her and let her put in the legwork if she still wants to hang. I thought to bail earlier because I sensed she wasn't that into it, but was confused by the sex and affection in bed.

 

She certainly doesn't seem like she's on auto pilot when I'm inside her. Oh wells

 

Thanks.

[anderZ]

Have you talked to her about how you feel? Asked her why she doesn't kiss or show that level of intimacy/passion with you, in and out of the bedroom?

 

Like I said in the OP.I asked her if she thought I was too kissy... and she said not to worry about it and that it was her bring awkward. And that she used to like that stuff but that she's changed somehow

[central]

Bad or no kissing mojo is a dire sign for longevity. I don't think a happy relationship has ever come out of two ppl who don't enjoy kissing each other.

 

I'd agree, if it persists. My longest and best FWB started out kissing like a roto-rooter trying to remove my tonsils while simultaneously swallowing my face. A little retraining got the kissing on track, and everything else was good.

[SammySammy]

Kissing and eye contact represents a different level of intimacy for this girl. To dump her because you haven't reached that level after three weekends is shortsighted in my opinion.

 

Relaxing and trusting her - showing her that you respect and appreciate her - may be the key to that final door.

 

We live in an instant society. We want everything quick and fast. Sometimes, love takes time.

Edited April 6, 2016 by MidKnightDreams

[jen1447]

I'd agree, if it persists. My longest and best FWB started out kissing like a roto-rooter trying to remove my tonsils while simultaneously swallowing my face. A little retraining got the kissing on track, and everything else was good.

 

IME kissing quality is usually a function of nerves and comfort. (On the surface anyway - it's much more complex underneath, bscly like a non-verbal language.) I've found I can 'make' ppl good kissers pretty much just by getting them to relax, and if they have style challenges or issues, getting them to take a passive role temporarily and letting me show them how to do it. Getting to that stage - the initial "ok, nerves are gone and we're actually two ppl interacting here" doesn't usually take a lot, no more than say 30 minutes most of the time. So I think you can see what the future holds pretty quickly in most cases. If they're still fighting you and crashing teeth after 30 minutes of one-on-one instruction, the prospects aren't good.

 

Almost no one fails at that level tho, bc w/most ppl, if you can interact at all (not socially crippled), you can kiss. Eventually.

 

The main limiter is that ppl usually seem to go into it thinking it's a skills competition. It's not, and that only leads to forming an environment that doesn't actually favor good kissing. Kissing's really just interaction and communication on a prerational level, so when you treat it like that and not a sporting event or a job skills fair, good things will happen.

 

Ha ....I lectured on kissing.

[PacificPlain]

Kissing is more intimate than sex. I have only enjoyed kissing with a handful of men and it's with those that I have felt strong physical and emotional chemistry. Sex is actually less intimate and if she knows a few moves, she can do them on autopilot. It's a lot harder to fake eye contact and kissing.

 

As for why she is with you? Many, many women want the companionship and safety of being in a relationship even if they don't feel a real chemistry and excitement.

 

 

I don't know what the future holds but at this point in time she is probably "meh" about you.

 

 

I actually kind of agree with this. Just to throw my own two cents in--eye contact during orgasm is a super bad way to emotionally get yourself attached to someone. The neurotransmitters in your brain do it. It's a bonding thing.

I understand her "I use to be like that but I'm not anymore"--people can train it out of you. I use to like romantism I guess. I was then taught NOT to want to hold hands, because some men shut me down. And if I'm having an orgasm with someone even fooling around, I make very sure not to make eye contact during orgasm to avoid giving myself any more bonding mechanisms than possible, because then it sucks even more when they leave.

 

 

If you like this chick, give her a chance. She seems strong and independent and not overly emotionally. That should be Most guys dream.

[anderZ]

Kissing and eye contact represents a different level of intimacy for this girl. To dump her because you haven't reached that level after three weekends is shortsighted in my opinion.

 

Relaxing and trusting her - showing her that you respect and appreciate her - may be the key to that final door.

 

We live in an instant society. We want everything quick and fast. Sometimes, love takes time.

I don't want to dump her. I just don't think she's that into me given the awkwardness, lack of communication sometimes, and lack of affection.

 

So it's not like I have a choice. Im not chasing an uninterested person.

[LivingDeadGrl]

Not every woman is kissy touchy feely.

Also, the whole eye-contact thing while you're doing it can be extremely awkward if you're not 100% comfortable with someone and at this stage I doubt she is. I was with a guy for 5 years and we hardly ever did eye contact while doing it.

I am not always all over someone I first start dating and it's usually because I am still trying to feel them out and don't give them my all that quickly. If you're so worried about it then talk to her about how she feels about you, or find someone who is more affectionate.

[soph-walker]

Kissing is more intimate than sex. I have only enjoyed kissing with a handful of men and it's with those that I have felt strong physical and emotional chemistry. Sex is actually less intimate and if she knows a few moves, she can do them on autopilot. It's a lot harder to fake eye contact and kissing.

 

As for why she is with you? Many, many women want the companionship and safety of being in a relationship even if they don't feel a real chemistry and excitement.

 

 

I don't know what the future holds but at this point in time she is probably "meh" about you.

 

I'll be honest, sounds like you're describing the way I was with a guy I saw last year. I liked him and despite us having an intimate relationship, I just didn't have 'the feels' for him..really wasn't emotionally attached but found him very handsome.

 

It can happen. Maybe stop over thinking and take things as they come.

Good luck.

[Emilia]

I don't find kissing more intimate than sex but agree on eye contact. The thing is though, I've found that not seeking super intimacy during sex in the beginning isn't necessarily a bad thing.

[Gloria25]

She sounds like me...

 

She's into you, but probably fears intimacy - not fear in the sense that she's gonna dump you and/or jump from guy to guy, but it's gonna take a while for her to open up and let you in...once you're in, it's like getting to the chewy center of a pop - worth breaking through the hard shell.

 

It took me years to be able to look at a guy during sex and I do feel like the eyes are the window to the soul. Funny how, I can stare a person that I don't care for in the eyes to convince them of a point I'm getting across to them when in fact I'm pretty much not telling them the truth - but I can't get away with that with someone I'm into, I avoid eye contact a lot until I can trust them.

 

And yes, you might think it's weird that the sex is great and how in the world can she have sex (something intimate) yet not connect with you in other ways...Well, it's how chicks like us roll. Give us time and trust me, when we fall for you, we'll fall hard and you'll get smoochies, huggies, cooking, etc...

[anderZ]

She sounds like me...

 

She's into you, but probably fears intimacy - not fear in the sense that she's gonna dump you and/or jump from guy to guy, but it's gonna take a while for her to open up and let you in...once you're in, it's like getting to the chewy center of a pop - worth breaking through the hard shell.

 

It took me years to be able to look at a guy during sex and I do feel like the eyes are the window to the soul. Funny how, I can stare a person that I don't care for in the eyes to convince them of a point I'm getting across to them when in fact I'm pretty much not telling them the truth - but I can't get away with that with someone I'm into, I avoid eye contact a lot until I can trust them.

 

And yes, you might think it's weird that the sex is great and how in the world can she have sex (something intimate) yet not connect with you in other ways...Well, it's how chicks like us roll. Give us time and trust me, when we fall for you, we'll fall hard and you'll get smoochies, huggies, cooking, etc...

I'd like this to be the case...but I really do think she's not into me. We haven't talked much since the weekend, and Im not going to push it either. I'm just gonna let things fade. If she wants to hit me up, she can.

[SammySammy]

I'd like this to be the case...but I really do think she's not into me. We haven't talked much since the weekend, and Im not going to push it either. I'm just gonna let things fade. If she wants to hit me up, she can.

 

You're going to face this again. Some women need more time. Need you to create an environment they feel safe in before they fully open up to you. It may not be kissing or eye contact the next time, but learning to get to that next level of intimacy - a deeper level of connection and trust - is highly rewarding.